FMLs submitted from Australia

Today, I rolled up a newspaper and smashed a huge spider in my room. As I went to scoop it up with a tissue, it lurched away and fell near my bed. I can't find it, but I can sure as fuck sense the pure evil coming from it. Looks like I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. FML

by farksh / 03/07/2015 at 7:14am / Australia / Animals

Today, I saw my boss heading my way at work. He has a "no food in the office" policy, so I quickly scarfed down my pop-tart. I ended up choking on it so hard that I threw up. FML

by f*ck / 03/06/2015 at 12:41pm / Australia (South Australia) / Work

Today, at a music festival, some douche unzipped the back of my skirt, exposing my Ninja Turtle undies to everyone before running off. FML

by no touching / 03/06/2015 at 9:03am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went through the nightmare of having to go to my doctor so he could remove a living spider from my nasal cavity. FML

by Anonymous / 02/28/2015 at 4:04am / Australia / Health

Today, I am still finding glitter in my ass crack after a concert last night that had a confetti cannon. Thanks Marilyn Manson, I feel so metal now. FML

by frediqqq / 02/25/2015 at 11:21pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I got pulled over for speaking on my phone. I accepted the fine because I was too ashamed to tell the cute officer that I was actually trying to pop a huge pimple on my cheek. FML

by Anonymous / 02/25/2015 at 5:33am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was off from school because of an extremely bad barking cough. My neighbours called the police because apparently my cough sounds like someone torturing an animal. FML

by Animal cruelty / 02/19/2015 at 8:46am / Australia / Animals

Today, I went to an ATM intending to withdraw $150. I approached the machine, inserted my card, typed in my pin and followed the prompts. When my card came out, I removed it, put it in my pocket and drove off. FML

by kaailin / 02/19/2015 at 8:29am / Australia (South Australia) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, after being with the company for over 3 years, I realised nobody really knows my name. This was after my boss was walking around a new staff member and couldn't introduce me. Neither could my colleague, who's been sitting next to me for the last 6 months. FML

by lonergirl / 02/18/2015 at 7:35am / Australia / Work

Today, I received a bunch of flowers from my 'lover'. This would be fine except that I don't have a lover, and my boyfriend now thinks I'm cheating. FML

by anonymous / 02/16/2015 at 7:57am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I threw up on a police officer who was trying to do a random breath test. I wasn't drunk or hungover. I'm pregnant and suffering morning sickness. FML

by Anonymous / 02/15/2015 at 10:25pm / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous

Today, once again I tried to convince my dad to stop smoking. And once again, while I was speaking, he lit up a cigarette and smoked until my asthma flared up and I was wheezing so hard that I had to leave the room. FML

by =( / 02/15/2015 at 9:52am / Australia / Love

Today, while at the office, a surprise Valentine's gift arrived for me, the first I've ever received. It was a box of heart-shaped cookies. From my mother. I'm 39. FML

by FMAhole / 02/13/2015 at 10:49pm / Australia (Queensland) / Love