FMLs submitted from Australia

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend at work. Because she was "bored and didn't feel like seeing me" she thought it would be funny to call security and claim that I was stalking her. There is now a picture of my face at her workplace, and anytime I "pester her again" the cops will show up. FML

by Darryl / 05/12/2015 at 8:53am / Australia (Queensland) / Intimacy

Today, I overheard my 14-year-old daughter telling her friend that she's saving money to get her hymen surgically removed so her first time won't hurt. FML

by Anonymous / 05/05/2015 at 11:31am / Australia (Victoria) / Kids

Today, at my job in a gas station, a customer who had previously driven off without paying came in to shout abuse at me because I had said in the police statement, "He looks about 60." He is apparently 55. He didn't come in to pay, he came in to swear at me. FML

by GotGasNotLuck / 05/05/2015 at 6:50am / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that me switching to "super" sized tampons does not mean I've been having sex with other men with bigger penises, and that my vagina hasn't been "stretched bigger". FML

by Anonymous / 05/03/2015 at 1:37am / Australia (Queensland) / Intimacy

Today, after recently getting my car fully serviced and fixed, the horn has decided to spontaneously beep. To stop the beeping I have to press the horn hard, making it look like I'm purposely doing it to piss people off. FML

Today, my father tried to excuse his alcoholism by saying that his stomach stops working, and he needs to drink vodka to get it started again. FML

Today, during my shift at work, I started to feel really sick and started throwing up. While I had my head in a bag, I had several customers ask me for directions and another customer abuse me for my lack of service. FML

by vomitgirl / 04/28/2015 at 1:24am / Australia (Queensland) / Health

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend having phone sex less than 10 feet away from me. FML

by Anonymous / 04/26/2015 at 3:09am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I got banned from my favourite online video game for calling a person on my team a "Baked Potato". FML

Today, I got up feeling refreshed and positive for the first time in ages, so I happily threw my window open to greet the beautiful morning. A bee flew into my eye. FML

by Anonymous / 04/15/2015 at 10:41pm / Australia / Animals

Today, I went into work early so I could get my work all done and leave on time, rather than staying back. The later shift starters had other ideas and called in sick. FML

by Devildrake / 04/15/2015 at 6:32pm / Australia / Work

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl showed interest in me. She sent me a text message saying she wanted to come over and fuck my brains out. This would've made me the happiest guy alive, if only she weren't my extremely drunk sister. FML

by Anonymous / 04/11/2015 at 4:55pm / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, I decided to do a good bit of spring cleaning. When my apartment was finally spotless I went to lie down. I woke up later to find my drunk flatmate passed out in a puddle of her own puke on the living room's carpet. FML

by pukeytimes / 04/10/2015 at 7:03pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous