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FMLs submitted from Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past 2 years before she has sex with me. She said it was the only way she could force herself to have sex with me. FML

#4179719
136 comments

I agree, your life sucks (64112) - you deserved it (6588)

On 07/31/2009 at 11:10am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I saw this cute girl at a bar and decided to go and chat her up. After charming her with my usual crap for a while, I told her she was really pretty and asked for her number. She replied "You asshole, I met you here a year ago and gave you my number, and you never called me." FML

#4102567
163 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8644) - you deserved it (111009)

On 07/28/2009 at 6:55am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Australia (Western Australia)

Today, I decided I was going to dump my needy girlfriend. I was about to break the news when she stopped me. She showed me her new tattoo she had gotten. Our names, surrounded by a love heart spread across her back. She reckons I should get a matching one. FML

#4074077
246 comments

I agree, your life sucks (65094) - you deserved it (7757)

On 07/27/2009 at 4:12am - love - by DAMMit (man) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I went to the dentist to have two cavities filled. I hate the dentist. After he'd started drilling, I heard a "clunk" noise followed by an "Oops." My dentist had cut my tooth in half. Now I have to go to surgery to have the tooth extracted. FML

#4020266
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49947) - you deserved it (2567)

On 07/25/2009 at 12:21am - health - by Toothy. (woman) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I came home to find my dad crying. Turns out my parents are getting divorced because my mom had an affair. With a teacher at my school. A female teacher. And the school isn't going to fire her because she's a good teacher. Every day at school I'm going to have to see her. FML

#3949695
264 comments

I agree, your life sucks (72490) - you deserved it (3504)

On 07/22/2009 at 6:43am - love - by mylifereallyISeffed (woman) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I was in the living room with my brother and his two older, hot friends when my mother walks out from the toilet and tells me, "Honey, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie wipe the seatie." Need I say more? FML

#3949576
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46940) - you deserved it (15748)

On 07/22/2009 at 5:48am - misc - by Mortified (woman) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, my boss sent out an email with the subject line "Urgent". He accidentally left the body of the email blank. I replied to all staff "You're firing blanks Peter". I later heard that his wife once got drunk and told everyone that they couldn't have kids because he has a low sperm count. FML

#3949208
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37341) - you deserved it (10271)

On 07/22/2009 at 4:16am - work - by Anonymous (man) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I met with an important client to talk about his stake in the company. The guy was at least 80 years old. After taking care of business we spoke about my final year at the company. As he got up to leave he said "Good luck in your final year". Without thinking, I replied "You too". FML

#3899381
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32814) - you deserved it (13969)

On 07/20/2009 at 3:13am - work - by moutz (man) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I woke up feeling a tingling sensation on my testicles. I enjoyed it for a few seconds, then threw off the covers. Looks like there have been cockroaches in my bed. FML

#3852842
130 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52258) - you deserved it (9404)

On 07/18/2009 at 6:48am - misc - by fartypeepee (man) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I was getting a haircut. I had my foils in for about 10 minutes when the fire alarm went off. The building then started to fill with smoke and we evacuated. While outside watching the fire being put out, I forgot about my foils. I now have bright bleached yellow and orange hair. FML

#3826223
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38183) - you deserved it (5428)

On 07/17/2009 at 6:12am - misc - by 1danzo1 (woman) - Australia (Western Australia)

Today, at my sister's engagement party, my cousins thought it would be funny to get my nanna drunk. They regretted it when she told them, and everyone else at the party about her sex life and how she fakes orgasms with my grandpa. FML

#3821769
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39397) - you deserved it (9041)

On 07/17/2009 at 1:36am - intimacy - by Cyberella (woman) - Australia (South Australia)

Today, while working at McDonald's a car full of obnoxious teens came through. They had made a $30 order, and handed me a tin of small change, claiming that on a McDonald's ad they saw that we, employees, liked counting change. I had to count out $30 in spare change during a rush period at work. FML

#3659409
166 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50750) - you deserved it (4385)

On 07/11/2009 at 2:28am - work - by Meow (woman) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She's not actually a lesbian. She has been using our relationship to piss off her conservative parents. We've been together for over a year, and I've been in love with her for over five. FML

#3437520
227 comments

I agree, your life sucks (66934) - you deserved it (7934)

On 07/02/2009 at 9:33pm - love - by heart-broken (woman) - Australia (Victoria)



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