FMLs submitted from Australia

Today, my budgie learned to fly, having finally outgrown his clipped wings. He flew straight over the gate, out the door and into my dogs jaws. FML

by InsanityShard / 07/25/2016 at 11:26pm / Australia (Queensland) / Animals

Today, I spiced things up by lying on the bed and pouring melted white chocolate on myself. I called out to my fiancé to come in. He was 'checking' his favourite scene in Batman vs Superman and couldn't hear me. I was stuck unable to move for ten minutes until he finally heard me. FML

by Chocolaty / 07/21/2016 at 8:48pm / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, I thought my knee hurt because of over exercising in the gym. Then I remembered it was because I smacked it against my chair so hard I crumbled down and couldn't move for 5 minutes. And how I remembered? I did it again. FML

by rnw / 07/21/2016 at 1:34am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, I received an envelope with my name written in beautiful writing in my mailbox. I just moved in the day before and hadn't given the address to anyone or met my neighbors yet so I was a bit surprised by it, even more surprised to find nothing but a dick pic inside. FML

by ZeldaovaPeach / 07/05/2016 at 8:44am / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I set up a hidden camera in my room so I could prove that my sister beats me up when my parents aren't home, since they always accuse me of lying about it. When I showed them, they wasted no time accusing me of "provoking" her off-camera. FML

by Anonymous / 07/01/2016 at 10:10am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dog chewed up my $120 dildo. Goodbye, sex life. FML

by Anonymous / 06/26/2016 at 8:22am / Australia (Queensland) / Animals

Today, I lost my virginity. It was painful, but not as painful as my boyfriend asking afterwards: "Um... did you use to be a guy?" FML

Today, I was fired because my boss found out I had been looking for a new job. Then, I got a call from my only job prospect, saying I was overqualified and too young to work there as a waitress. FML

by unemployedaussie / 06/23/2016 at 8:35am / Australia (Western Australia) / Work

Today, my flatmate came home from a date with the same guy that I have been in love with since high school. As I type, can hear them having sex through our paper thin walls. FML

Today, I was once again called a "selfish bitch" because I don't want kids, even though I can't provide for them mentally, emotionally, physically or financially. FML

Today, I opened up my laptop to replace a faulty chip inside, which took me half an hour. When I closed it all up again, I saw the replacement part in its packaging on my desk. FML

by stupidassgeek / 06/15/2016 at 9:22am / Australia (Victoria) / Geek

Today, I walked into pawn shop and found a nice laptop which I inspected after I thought I lost mine months ago. Turns out my ex pawned it after having it at her place all this time. FML

by Al / 06/13/2016 at 11:37am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, the girl I'd been seeing for a few weeks lost her mind and yanked my car's e-brake while we were on the highway. Why? Because I said I wasn't really interested in having kids. Guess I'll cross that relationship off as a "hell no". FML

by Anonymous / 06/12/2016 at 6:00am / Australia (Victoria) / Love