FMLs submitted from

Today, my pregnant girlfriend and I moved into our first home together, signing a 1-year lease. Less than 12 hours later, we've discovered that the place is infested with cockroaches and we have a mouse. The landlord won't let us out of the contract. FML

by Anonymous / 06/17/2015 at 8:14am / Miscellaneous

 Today, I had to explain to my little brother yet again that no, socks don't count as toilet paper. FML

by maggieyokoi / 06/15/2015 at 3:11pm / Kids

Today, I tried to get a piece of glass out of my big toe. After an hour of poking and prodding, I finally got it out only for it to fall on the floor where I couldn't find it. Not five minutes later, I stepped on it again. FML

by flipflap / 06/14/2015 at 2:35am / Health

Today, I found out that what I thought was my brother gasping and groaning in his dreams most nights is actually him jacking off. FML

by yuck / 06/05/2015 at 3:11pm / Intimacy

Today, I got kicked out of McDonalds for "skating" on the floor. The skating was actually me slipping on the wet floor and smacking my head into a table then getting bitched at for leaving blood on the floor. FML

by jared576 / 06/04/2015 at 11:01pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I received a beautiful, heart-felt text from my boyfriend detailing all the ways he loved me. He probably should have emphasized just how big his heart is though because he sent the text to three other women too. Thank you, group messaging. FML

by Anonymous / 06/02/2015 at 1:03am / Love

Today, I decided to get in shape for swimsuit season, so I went to the gym. I tried to lift a barbell up and over my head, which was fine, until I dropped it. Exercise earned me a concussion and a neck brace. FML

by crossfitter / 05/21/2015 at 8:22am / Health

Today, I received 46 emails from co-workers who were using reply-all to tell everyone else not to use reply-all. FML

by farf / 05/20/2015 at 2:47pm / Work

Today, my drunk grandma flashed me, after confusing me, a 19 year old girl, for my grandpa. FML

by Anonymous / 05/09/2015 at 4:50pm / Miscellaneous

Today, and for the first time in months, I woke up feeling well rested and ready to face the day. At 7pm. FML

by better late than never / 05/08/2015 at 5:32pm / Health

Today, I found my bike that was stolen a week ago in front of someone's house. Now this wouldn't have been a problem if my husband didn't steal it to go meet with his girlfriend. FML

by double trouble / 05/04/2015 at 12:04am / Love

Today, after a 2 month relationship, I realized two things: A) Dating a known psycho because "crazy chicks are great in bed" is a dumb idea, and B) What crazy chicks are actually great at is beating the crap out of you and driving you to alcoholism. FML

by Anonymous / 05/01/2015 at 3:26pm / Love

Today, my dad got over his aversion to tight pants, giving everyone at the DMV a good look at his package in skin-tight blue jeans. FML

by Anonymous / 05/01/2015 at 11:25am / Miscellaneous