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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It was during a sex scene that intensified the moment. The same sex scene from which emerged a sudden jump-scare. I now have bite marks on my penis. FML

#20547294
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28086) - you deserved it (49178)

On 03/17/2013 at 5:07am - intimacy - by Cliché... or Touché? -

Today, I finally got a tattoo of an alchemy symbol that I've wanted for years. I also found out later that symbol stands for urine. FML

#20539190
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8660) - you deserved it (45001)

On 03/11/2013 at 3:43am - misc - by PeeLeg (woman) -

Today, I found out that my wife makes mashed potatoes by using her dirty feet to crush the potatoes because apparently this is a "healthy, natural" way to make them, and it also cleans her feet. I've been eating her mashed potatoes at least once every week. FML

#20531751
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43777) - you deserved it (4241)

On 03/05/2013 at 12:25am - misc - by Anonymous (man) -

Today, my husband and I were fooling around in the shower. For some reason, I thought it'd be a good idea to grab his man meat and show him how to wash someone at a nursing home. He said he'd never be turned on by a nurse again. I'm a nurse. FML

#20515797
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10707) - you deserved it (36909)

On 02/21/2013 at 12:51am - love - by tomedicalforlove -

Today, while I was in the shower, my boyfriend decided to join me. We were really getting into it and he attempted to lift me up. Not only did I let out a massive fart, he slipped and fell on top of me. He won't stop laughing. FML

#20513159
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42830) - you deserved it (9364)

On 02/19/2013 at 3:35am - intimacy - by Anonymous -

Today, I was at an estate sale of my neighbor who recently passed. I recognized many items for sale that I had ordered or won on eBay from the past 8 years. Turns out the little old lady had been stealing my mail for close to a decade. FML

#20496903
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37711) - you deserved it (3400)

On 02/07/2013 at 10:24am - misc - by GarageSallin (man) -

Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML

#20495369
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33969) - you deserved it (2224)

On 02/06/2013 at 3:04am - love - by MyLife (woman) -

Today, an elderly gentleman came into my store complaining of a toothache, so I showed him where the Orajel was located. He then insisted on making a big scene, claiming that I really had the magic touch and if I would just stroke his cheek all his pain would go away. FML

#20464379
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27354) - you deserved it (2575)

On 01/17/2013 at 11:57am - work - by lifebecrazed (woman) -

Today, I came home to find my girlfriend crying. Concerned, I quickly asked her what was wrong. She told me tearfully that she couldn't understand why her pet lizards hadn’t grown into dinosaurs yet, and that pet store had cheated her. I’m still concerned now, but for entirely different reasons. FML

#20462136
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36485) - you deserved it (3820)

On 01/16/2013 at 2:52am - misc - by WTF (man) -

Today, I was the last person in line for going on the bus. Incidentally, I was right behind a guy way taller and wider than me. When he got on the bus, the bus driver immediately shut the door behind him. I was left outside chasing after the bus. FML

#20462065
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30631) - you deserved it (1999)

On 01/16/2013 at 1:42am - misc - by Anonymous -

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a bottle of champagne for my birthday. This is the third year in a row she has done this. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and she's well aware of that fact. FML

#20462057
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36911) - you deserved it (2731)

On 01/16/2013 at 1:36am - health - by Ari (woman) -

Today, my teenage son taught my five-year-old daughter how to fake her own death. I walked into the kitchen today to find her lying still on the floor, covered in ketchup. She laughed when I began to scream. FML

#20460540
134 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40350) - you deserved it (4213)

On 01/15/2013 at 9:41am - kids - by Nightmare (woman) -

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend to roll over while he was asleep. He snores loud enough to wake the neighbors and if he lays on his side he usually stops. Instead of rolling over, he stuck his leg in the air, farted twice, and laughed about it in his sleep. He's still snoring. FML

#20447496
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35673) - you deserved it (5167)

On 01/08/2013 at 2:44am - misc - by no sleep for me -



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