FMLs submitted from

Today, my girlfriend found an enormous rose arrangement in the back seat of my car. The flowers were from my fire chief to his wife. I forgot to deliver them. I now have to replace them since my girlfriend thinks I got them for her. The arrangement cost $225. FML

by Dj sMoZ! / 02/15/2011 at 10:30am / Love

Today, I was in my car and stopped at a red light. A homeless woman then started to throw rocks at my car for no apparent reason. I drive a convertible. FML

by nakcba / 02/15/2011 at 5:21am / Transportation

Today, whilst nibbling on my husband's ear, I swallowed a lump of his earwax. FML

by Emily Salt / 02/15/2011 at 3:34am / Intimacy

Today, the lady running the pastry shop asked who I buy the second pastry for every day. I lied and told her that it's for a coworker. I eat them both. FML

by a fatty / 02/15/2011 at 1:25am / Miscellaneous

Today, I was posted with a very lonely gate-guard. From the second I arrived, I had to listen to him drone on and on, and now I know his entire life story. I was there for four hours. FML

by anonymous / 02/11/2011 at 4:54am / Work

Today, I opened my car door on reaching destination and my dog escaped. I never found him. My destination was the vet's office to get him micro-chipped. FML

by Jen / 02/11/2011 at 4:02am / Animals

Today, I cut my finger deep on an envelope at work and started bleeding profusely. When I asked my co-worker for a band-aid, she told me to get back to work and stop making up excuses to try and hit on her. FML

by alliwantisabandaid / 02/11/2011 at 3:27am / Work

Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML

by Zibby / 02/11/2011 at 12:51am / Intimacy

Today, I reported in for my first day at work. When I walked in they asked "Who are you?" I answered "Cassie, it's my first day today" with a huge smile. They'd meant to call and offer the job to the other Cassie they interviewed. FML

by theothercassie / 02/10/2011 at 9:55am / Work

Today, my mum got an electric car. It's so quiet that we could hear the bones of my cat break as we reversed over it on the driveway. FML

by flattened / 02/10/2011 at 5:58am / Animals

Today, it snowed a lot and my friends and I went outside for a walk. Someone drove by and threw a snowball at me, hitting me square in the face. Surprised, I side-stepped only to end up losing balance and roll down a hill into a ditch full of prickly bushes. FML

by onehitwonder / 02/10/2011 at 2:26am / Health

Today, I finally got a reply to the letter to a celebrity that I had to write for my English class. It was a restraining order. FML

by PrestonW / 02/09/2011 at 10:53am / Miscellaneous

Today, I got mugged. But luckily I had on my keyring the pepper spray that my husband had insisted I keep with me. Unlucky for me, my husband's co-worker, who borrowed my keys, emptied my pepper by spraying it on a brick wall one day when he was bored. FML

by Username / 02/08/2011 at 10:27pm / Miscellaneous