FMLs submitted from

Today, my neighbor at my apartment building told me water from my sink was leaking into his apartment. He told me to call maintenance to fix it, but they won't help unless he calls. He refuses to, and I can't do my dishes without feeling like an asshole. FML

by Anonymous / 03/04/2015 at 9:05pm / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother confused the terms 'necromancy' and 'necrophilia'. We had a great talk about why you shouldn't have sex with dead people. FML

by bobjope / 02/27/2015 at 11:14pm / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend was confiding all her problems to me over Skype. I pressed the mute button so I could let out a fart, forgetting I'd already muted it earlier. I broke several minutes of my own silence with a devastating wet one. Now she won't talk to me. FML

by MuteNToot / 02/26/2015 at 4:17pm / Miscellaneous

Today, it was the day my catheter was to be removed. The nurse removing it deflated the balloon, and then tried pulling it out. After me screaming in extreme pain, she found out she hadn't actually deflated the balloon all the way. She was trying to pull a small balloon through my dick hole. FML

Today, I decided to go all-natural and go to work without any makeup on. My boss swore I was on drugs, which I guess had absolutely nothing to do with the completely "random" drug test I had to take later in the day. FML

by vaylosa / 02/22/2015 at 3:36pm / Work

Today, I looked my boyfriend in the eyes and said "I love y-" He cut me off with, "Babe, a blowjob's worth a thousand words" and held eye contact until I awkwardly excused myself. FML

by bugger / 02/22/2015 at 12:31pm / Intimacy

Today, a guy attacked me and tried to steal my bag. I tried to defend myself by biting him as hard as I could. I then woke up to my husband screaming in pain. FML

by poncho55 / 02/21/2015 at 3:28pm / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad gave my younger brother condoms and a pat on the back, even though he doesn't have a girlfriend. This is after called me a whore after he saw me kissing my long-term boyfriend last week. FML

by Anonymous / 02/21/2015 at 8:46am / Intimacy

Today, I tried to stage an intervention for a friend who abuses drugs. I ended up with my hair on fire. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2015 at 8:34am / Miscellaneous

Today, I've been freezing in my office for days at work. When I finally complained about it to a coworker, she led me into my office, said, "Let me show you something," then pointed out the thermostat I'd never noticed was even there and turned it up with a pitying look. FML

by Anonymous / 02/17/2015 at 12:42pm / Work

Today, my thundercunt of a neighbor, who's hated me since I moved in, called the cops on me. He told them he saw me shooting up on drugs. I'm diabetic and was injecting insulin, which he could only have seen by spying on me through my living room window. FML

by Anonymous / 02/13/2015 at 3:24pm / Miscellaneous

Today, while correcting essays, I spilled ketchup on a student's paper. I managed to successfully turn it into a happy smiley face but when proudly looking at the result, noticed it was right next to the big "F" that I had graded it. FML

by tirf / 02/09/2015 at 5:58pm / Work

Today, while shopping with my 6-year-old daughter, she said, "Mommy, remember you wanna get duck tape!" A middle-aged guy nearby scoffed and told her: "DUCT, not DUCK. Dumb cunt." I ended up having to drive my bawling daughter home with no shopping. FML

by Anonymous / 02/08/2015 at 2:16pm / Kids