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Yohan's illustrated FML

It's here, it's 2015. Big whoop. I'm told that the start of a new year is the appropriate moment to reflect on the year gone bye and ask ourselves why we did what we did, all the while thinking about our station in life. Is everything panning out for you? Is the coming year seeming joyful and harmonious, or is it another series of shitty events that are getting ready to pile onto your schedule? On FML, we know that any time of the year is open season for crappy experiences of all kinds. Heartbreaks that stretch over months at a time, screaming kids in long train journeys that are taking us home from stressful family Christmas vacations, thumping your little toe against the corner of the coffee table for the 15th time this week, the cat chewing through the Walkman headphone's wires… OK, a new year can mean a new start, but… why does everyone get all excited about it? This week, we shine a spotlight on a particularly crap New Year's Eve, and due to the submissions we've received, many of you have suffered through some this year.

YOHAN'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"My greatest fear is to be 50 years old and realise I've let my life pass me by!"

Self-portrait Yohan by Yposs

 


Yohan is also know by the nickname Yposs. I won't tell you his name, but it's easy to find out with a little guesswork, his nickname and Google.

His info:
Age: 30
Location: Paris, France
BlogEt alors ?
His illustrated FML: The one with the best friend


This week, we're celebrating the new year. Happy new year to everyone by the way. Yes, I forgot to say it. It's a social misdemeanour these days. You HAVE to say it. It's already been mentioned in the article we posted around midnight on the 1st of January, but this time I'm saying it in a calm and non-drunk manner. But on the other hand, last year I wished a happy new year to a lot of people who went on to have really shitty years, so maybe I have a curse, and I should say the opposite, just to even things out. So, to all of you, may you have a crap new year, and may things suck big time! 

Yohan is a graphic designer. Another one in this column. I get a lot in these parts. He "appreciates the creative aspect of the profession." And he's quite creative, you just have to check out his blog to be convinced. How did he get to where he is today? "I went to a graphics design and webdesign school in Paris, and I've had loads of jobs, from server, salesman to real estate negotiator." And now? "For a while now I've come back to my first love which is comic books, so I'm working on large scale comic book project." His main project is this a comic, but we don't know anything more about it. We'll just have to check out his blog now and again. 

His hero is the famous french cartoon character Gaston Lagaffe. But what made him want to start drawing? "All the comic books that I read in my childhood, I wanted to transfer the sensation I felt through my own drawings." 

What does he like? Any hidden vices? Any dreams? "My dream would be to go to sea for several months, or more. On a sailboat, alone against the immensity around us. A sort of homecoming, back to our roots. But before I can do that, I draw to escape. I have too many vices to list." Aaah, the sea. I lived near the sea for almost two years, it was wonderful. Even in winter. Especially in winter, when all the tourists have cleared off back home. There's something poetic about watching waves crashing onto rocks while listening to the Vengaboys on a Walkman. I now live in a huge city, and it's magical too, but in a different way. One day, I'll return to the sea, to the solitary life, just me and the woman I love. 

So, what sort of things are you into at the moment? "Lately, I saw Enter the Void, the film is old-ish but it's really good. I recommend it." And how about artists that you appreciate and whose blogs you check out? "Franquin, Claude Serre, Boulet."

To play us out, how about a personal FML? "Today it's late and I can't buy any cigarettes anywhere. I go out into the street, hoping to bump into someone who I can bum a cigarette from to roll a joint. By chance, I run into someone, and I ask him. He was very friendly, and with a smile he asks me, "Is this to roll a joint?" I say yes, and it turns out that I was right near the police station and it was policeman taking a cigarette break. FML" Oh, bad bad bad luck. Some people will say that you deserve it for smoking in the first place, but those sorts of people are as annoying as the people who smoke in public places where they shouldn't. Get off your high horses.

That's it for this week. We can go back to resting after the festive season. I don't know about you but next year, I'm getting a package deal with a plane ticket to a all-inclusive hotel in the sun, far far away. No more stress inducing family get togethers. No more waiting til midnight to jump up and down. Anyway, here's a picture which could metaphorically represent all of us going back to work, and a song by Gravenhurst to chill out to, which also doubles as an RIP because the guy sadly died recently. Next week, we'll be continuing the "Welcoming in the New Year" theme with another illustration along the same lines, a sort of "two for the price of one" deal. Happy New Year, and as always, be excellent to each other.

As always, if you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away

#1493 - Illustrated FML - On 01/02/2015 at 11:27am by Alan - 9 comments

FML's Message for 2015

WE'VE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK HERE AT FML SO WE'VE NOT GOT AN ARTICLE TO SHOW YOU
SORRY WE'LL DO BETTER NEXT TIME

 

WE ARE STILAT THE PARTY SORRY HELLO IT'S CHAMPAGNE TIME BYE!

 

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! DONT WORRY DAD, WE'LL TIDY THE HOUSE!!!!


 
#1490 - About FMyLife - On 12/31/2014 at 5:51am by FML - 74 comments

FML's post-Christmas debriefing

Thank tinselled-Christ that that's finished! Christmas 2014 is finally over. We can finally stop grumbling about the endless songs about snow, put the presents away in a closet (or a dumpster) and start to digest the huge amounts of processed food that grandma has been force-feeding us. So, how was it for you? People on TV have post-match debates; here on FML we thought we'd have a post-Christmas debriefing, due to the anticlimax a lot of people feel, but are afraid to express out loud for fear of seeming ungrateful. Unless you're a teenager whining that you didn't get the iPhone 6, and telling every social network you can get your ungrateful mitts on that you now hate your parents and that you want to die in a sea of tears, you can tell us all about it on FML. Little kids certainly don't hold back.

Today, my five-year-old son wants to send a complaint letter to Santa, whom he claims left him presents, "so bad that even you dad wouldn't have done this to me." FML

Yes, the age-old present problem. Buying presents is a nightmare. Receving presents gives you nightmares.

Today, my mother-in-law purchased matching Christmas presents for myself and my sister-in-law to open together in front of everyone. Guess who are now the proud owners of matching metal tampon cases. FML

We've all struggled to buy presents for people, and we've all struggled this year too. Despite the internet making it much easier to order stuff in November, you still have to think about who you're buying things for, estimating the risk/cost ratio. What, you don't believe there's a risk involved? Some people go to extremes to avoid having to go through the rigmarole of buying a Christmas present.

Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML

OK, we don't know whether this last case was more due to the cost, or the risk side. But it's still risky, buying something shitty for someone who previously respected you. You lose that respect just once, and it's gone. The next year, they're giving you something that'll shit all over your apartment and life.

Today, my mother gave me a Christmas present for the first time in 15 years: a dog. Her 16-year-old, untrained, mean dog who wears diapers. FML

Remember, a dog isn't just for Christmas Day. You've got to keep some leftovers for sandwiches the next day. Badum tish. Some people are forced to spend Christmas alone. Some are forced to spend Christmas with other people. Both sides of the coin are equally tretcherous.

Today, I spent the day crying, and ate McDonald's for my Christmas dinner. FML

The trouble with an FML like that is the lack of details. Is this person alone because family and friends are far away, and/or are down on their luck? Or are they alone because they're a total twunt that everyone hates and they actually deserve to be alone in a MickeyD's, crying? No follow-up to this story, so we'll probably never know. On the other hand, another circle of hell could be described as:

Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how, "the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean." FML

No thanks. Luckily, most of us are somewhere in-between. Decent presents, well-meaning relatives, but somewhere along the line, Murphy's Law appears.

Today, my uncle got me a debit card and put one thousand dollars on it for my Christmas present. However, he forgot to activate the card. The receipt with the 14 digit activation code is in the garbage in Colorado. FML

Yes, I know, he got given a thousand bucks. A lot of misguided people will say, "But that's not an FML, his uncle is rich, yadda yadda yadda." Don't do that. You're missing the point of FML entirely when you do that. The point is not to score points in the "My life is worse than yours" contest. The stories are about facepalms, WTFs, headdesks and the things in life that suck. Christmas doesn't suck. And yet it does. The best thing about Christmas (besides "Last Christmas" by Wham! and Billy Idol doing "Jingle Bell Rock") is the warm, fuzzy feeling you get from all the family getting together. Or is it?

Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML

OK, that's not really a family atmosphere. This is closer to home, with a warmer feel than a randy Christmas parrot:

Today, I waited anxiously until midnight to open my Christmas presents. As the clock struck midnight, I ran out into the living room, super-excited to open them, only to discover that everyone in the house had already opened theirs and had all gone to bed. FML

So, a lot of disappointed/embarrassed/angry/sexy people over the years. We've been going almost 6 years now (our birthday is coming up, get us some presents please), so we've had quite a few Christmas stories. But we want more, so feel free to use the comments section to expand on your Christmas. How was it? Pretend this is a self-help group for the post-Christmas comedown.

We've got New Year's Eve to look forward to now. Shudder.

 

#1491 - About FMyLife - On 12/26/2014 at 10:13am by Alan - 49 comments

The Xmas illustrated FML

Here we go, final lap before Christmas is finally upon us. Although, you could say we've been subjected to quite a few strains of Christmas already. The decorations are up since mid-August, and certain family members are pushing and shoving to get things organised since around the same time, since, you know, these things have to be planned "properly". The plane tickets have been bought early so you could fly cheaply to spend Xmas day at Uncle David's with the rest of the family, the frozen cutlets are in the cellar, along with last year's presents, and you have to go grocery shopping as soon as possible, to avoid getting crushed by two fat guys fighting over a sponge cake. Here at FML, we love Christmas because of the eerie atmosphere. The feeling that's a bit like one you get when a large supermarket opens in a small town. 

THE XMAS ILLUSTRATED FML (by Bénédicte)

"We're going to have chicken with morels! Yummmm! I save up my supermarket points all year to be able to afford those goddamn expensive mushrooms!"

Self-portrait Xmas Bénédicte by Bénédicte

 


This week, Mother Christmas is back ! Yep, it's our faithful companion Bénédicte who is returning to give us a slice of cake. She's been on here many times before, such as here in this article, so there's no need for a presentation. This week, it's a bit like the last day of school, when you get to do whatever the hell you want.

Her info:
Age: 56
Location: Lapland, France.
Blog: Her page Bloutouf, which is full of stuff.
Her illustrated FML: The one with the game


So, what shall we do this week? Should we get our stuff together and put it all in a suitcase ready to take the plane home tomorrow? Put on some Christmas number ones from the past and play board games? The Christmas spirit is difficult to define these days because things seem to be slipping. The Christmas number one for example no longer really exists. There's also the problem the people tend to get offended on behalf of other people who don't really care, and will complain that talking about Christmas is offensive to people who don't believe in The Jesus, and we should remain secular, yadda yadda yadda. Bollocks to that. Pagan festival, mixed symbolism, dates moving around, bits taken from other beliefs, go to work on the 25th if you want and hey, IT'S CHRISTMAS OK? Get off my case, I'm not even religious. I believe in David Bowie, that's about it. Anyway, it's time to watch the same movies that we watch every year, the same feel-good movies like Love Actually, It's a Wonderful Life and Cobra. What, you've never seen Cobra with Sylvester Stallone? Get it now, it's brilliant.
And it's the only time of year you can dress in red and white and get away with it. All year round, people will say, "Hey, red and white, in June? Really? Are you pretending to be Santa on vacation?" Hey, that's not nice. I know I've got a bit of a belly going on, but still. Here on FML, we like the colours, the lights, the trees. There's a definite Christmas spirit on FML. But more about that next week.

People travel a lot for Christmas. It's very traditional to go to stay with family for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, even if you hate each others guts. It's required. It's an obligation. For Bénédicte, who has two children and a husband, Christmas goes like this: "We eat the chicken, we put the kids to bed, we drink more and more, then wham, we pile the presents under the tree once we've tested that the little lambs are out for the count, then we go off to bed, all the while knowing that we will be woken up at 6 am by two hysterical midgets!" That's the story of life. Well, the story of parents' lives I know what she's talking about, I've got two cats so it's technically the same. We're going to pig out on Whiskas, clean the litter tray, play with the wrapping paper which is always more interesting than the present itself then go out into the neighbourhood to catch mice. Same as each year. That's what years of moderating FML does to your brainbox. OK, I don't have such a sad little life. Almost, but not quite. I'm off to see my family too. And it's stressing me out. Luckily, there will be booze. I've pressed my shirts, made my suitcase and most importantly, I've got the presents ready for the kids (real kids, not cats).

To finish off, as a picture is worth a thousand words, I'll let Bénédicte do her thing. We wish you all a merry Christmas, filled with joy, presents, food, family feuds, because it wouldn't be Christmas without a little feud over the dinner table, that is resolved by the exchanging of gifts. Like most things. Next week, there won't be an illustration, but a post-Christmas special. A surprise sort of thing! Lots of love from Bénédicte and FML! 

 

As always, if you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away

#1492 - Illustrated FML - On 12/19/2014 at 5:07am by Alan - 9 comments

Malec's illustrated FML

Life is like a box of chocolate full of piece of rabbit droppings sometimes, isn't it? OK, I'll admit that's a weird way to start an article a few days before Christmas. Let me explain: you try and get to know people, to create bonds, to feel some warmth, to share some common ground with your fellow man. You find a place in a network, a circle of like-minded individuals. You even mistakenly try to find some sort of compassion and humility in the eyes of some lawyer you meet in a bar, a pub singer and a marketing expert. Then you realise that these links, these people, this "humanity" are all part of some underground caste of shape shifting lizards who control the world, and are all part of the Illuminati. What a bummer. So what do you do? You stay at home, thinking you're going to feel safe in front of the TV with your cats for company. But are you really safe. One man has all the answers. Let's meet him now.

MALEC'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"As for illustrations, nothing, zilch, nobody wants to know, so I'm releasing nothing at the moment (but I've got nothing to sell, so that's probably why…)" 

Self portrait Malec par Alexandre

 


This week, our feline friends are the subject of the illustrated FML. Malec, however, is the subject of this article. He is also known as Alexandre. Malec is his nickname, and that's how I'm going to keep calling him throughout the article. 

His info:
Age: 30
Location: Tokyo
Blog : His YouTube page Malec ne fait pas de sextape ('Malec doesn't make a sextape')
His illustrated FML: The one with the cats. Yep, not many clues there.


Malec, answered our questions with joy. You can tell he's the kind of guy who is enthusiastic about most things in life. He's a bit like a sort of lovable character who will talk endlessly about his illustrations, life and whatever you ask him about. He has already illustrated a VDM, AKA an FML for the French version of the Website, but this is the first time he's being featured on FML.

So, who is this wiseguy, and what's his role in the mob? "I'm a starboarder for cartoons, which means that people gives me stories (which are more or less well written) and then I make them into pictures. Afterwards, this storyboard is sent to China, after which we get pretty little cartoons (or not so pretty ones) like Totally Spies, MBC, Rekkit, Calimero, Casper, Wakfu, etc. for our kids on television in the morning. In fact, you've probably seen my name on screen while eating your breakfast cereal. In live in Tokyo at the moment because my wife (who is from South Korea) is studying to become a Japanese teacher. So we're currently living Tokyo-style, and it's cooool!" Wow, culture shock! I've always wanted to visit Japan. Can I come and crash on your futon? 

So, what are you hawking? "I'm currently working on a great project with my friend Régis Donsimoni, the guy who did the Invisible College and Angus, on a comic book project called "Space School". It's a comic book in a strip format about a kid who goes to a space school full of extraterrestrials. It's for kids and for not-so-kids and it's very pretty and very funny. We hope that people will like it and it will be released when it's all been put together!" Looks good from here, we can't wait.

What's this YouTube channel about? "I've put my world domination plans to one side to concentrate on my YouTube career. For the coming year, my goal is for our channel to become famous, for people to laugh at our stuff and that we all have fun. There's a lot of cartoons on it, and it takes a lot of time for me to make them, so next year I have only one project: my channel." OK, we'll all be checking it out. And the rest? "For those of you who want to check out my illustrations, follow my Facebook page, I publish drawings now and again. The blog is still going because I publish videos every time one comes out." This guy is determined and passionate. I like this guy. "I also do some turbomedia, animated comic books that my friend Balak invented. In the beginning, I did loads during my spare time, in fact, that's all I used to do. Then, after about 4 years, I'd had enough and thought I'd come back to my first love: comic books. And I also thought I'd mess around in front of a camera with my wife. So that's how our YouTube channel started. It's very geeky, full of WTF stuff, a mixture of cartoons and live material and we hope it'll work!" So do we. 

Now, we've talked about your work and projects… How are you? "Right now I'm reading the Game of Thrones books, they're really great! I'd been told about the TV show and so I'd wanted to read the books, and I must say they've done a great job adapting the TV show into books!" That's one cultural reference point I know nothing about. I've tried, I really have. It just washed over me like a tepid golden shower. Anywayyyy, do you have a hero you care to mention? "Without any hesitation Arnold Schwarzenneger. The guy is HUGE (physically it's a given) but also his life story. He started from nothing, he came from a country that was a bit naff (sorry to all the Austrians reading this) he got rich from construction work before becoming famous, was a global megastar and ended up a US governor. The guy probably could've been president if he was born in the US. It's magical. I love the guy." The wonderful Bill Burr shares this opinion, there's a short clip here, check it out, it's really funny. (Short plug for Bill, 'cos I love him, even though he doesn't need my help: his latest Netflix special "I'm sorry you feel that way" is the best stand-up show I've seen in ages). And then go watch Arnie in Last Action Hero, it's brilliant.

That's enough plugging. Do you have a personal FML to share? "During class, I went to take a dump. I created something so huge that when I flushed, it got stuck. I flushed again and the water started to rise, all tainted in brown. Then the bell rang and everyone started to leave their classrooms. I ran away, ahahaha. FML?" FML. We'll allow it. 

I think we can start the weekend now. Thanks to Malec/Alexandre for taking part, it was nice having you with us. Go check out his YouTube page, I know a lot of you will stumble on the language barrier or complaining that, "Hey man, it's not in English" but I don't like websites that talk down to people and think that their readers are uneducated buffoons, so who cares if it's in French, maybe it'll give you the opportunity to see some new stuff and broaden your horizons. Next week it's the week before all hell breaks loose, so be warned. And be excellent to each other. Take care. 


What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away

#1489 - Illustrated FML - On 12/12/2014 at 11:39am by Alan - 1 comments


FML's blog

  • Pauline's illustrated FML
  • Come on, no need to make that face ! Yep, it's sadly the last, mournful days of Summer. People are packing up their beach balls and flip flops, putting their caravans back into storage and trying to forget…

Friday 28 August 2015

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