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My shitty New Year's resolutions

Perusing the FMLs recently, I came across a few related to the New Year. Happy New Year my ass, check out this sad case:

Today, I changed my 2009 new year's resolution to lose my virginity to my 2010 new year's resolution. FML — stillavirgin

Poor guy, I wonder if in 2010 or 2011 he actually got it on with another human being besides his own hand. You see, January is finally over, which means we can finally go back outside without having to avoid all the idiots who keep banging on about their new year’s resolutions. These people make me want to fry my own fingers.  What’s the point anyway? Once January is over, they forget all about them. Come February they slide back into their old obnoxious habits and throw the exercise bike and free-weights into the storage unit. Why should we have to wait for the first day of the year to make these sorts of commitments? I make these sorts of commitments everyday. Which doesn’t mean I actually stick to them. But in the spirit of the whole shebang, I’ll compile a list of my own, and try to stick to them. Here goes:
1)   Stop hitting on girls on the Internet
Ok, I’ll admit it, sometimes I’m lonely. So I scour the chat rooms and comments sections of various websites, and I try to engage with girls by talking about things I have absolutely no interest in to score points with these people. It never works, except that one that one time with the girl who actually thought I was The Situation from Jersey Shore. I should cut it out, now. It’s getting ridiculous, and besides, those pictures taken in bathroom mirrors they all have are so annoying, it’s like scraping my eyeballs with a stick.
2)   Stop trying to try to save the planet
I used to believe that we could all live in harmony, in beautiful fields, on beautiful beaches. Then I actually talked to actual human beings, and watched them build all sorts of contraptions that spew crap into the air, the sea and my eyes. Ever since, I couldn’t care less about the environment. We’re all part of a failing species, living on a lonely, dying rock in the middle of space. We’re going to die out soon or later (sooner would be better). So instead, I’ve thrown rocks at eco-friendly dune buggies. I’ve openly mocked hippies for talking to trees. But I guess I could do more to not save the planet. Punch a dolphin, burn tires, convert my car to nuclear fuel. I’ll think of something.
3)   Stop teaching my friends’ and family’s kids bad language and pranks
I’ve had many complaints from my friends and my brother’s miserable wife about minding my language around their kids. I can’t help it, children bring out the worst in me, and they make me want to wreak havoc in their brains. So I spread some evil. I teach them to put saran wrap over the toilet. I teach them rude words, and how to say them without getting caught. I have to stop doing it, because they’re at an age now where they’ve forgotten our friendship, they’re being rude to me, all because they now see me as an authority figure. Little shits.
4)   Stop drinking so much booze
Only joking.

(Although, like sticking a firecracker in your underpants, it's not very clever and is dangerous for your health. Even though it can be fun waking up in a ditch in an unknown location. With your nuts in tatters.)

5)   Stop correcting people’s grammatical and spelling mistakes
People are idiots. We all went to the same schools, had the same textbooks, pencils and teachers. So why can’t most people spell or conjugate? It’s not that hard to know where to stick an apostrophe. People who misuse it need a huge apostrophe shoved up their collective poo-pipes. As for your/you’re and there/their/they’re, it’s enough to make me want to hide under the couch and cry. But, in the spirit of not being such a pain in ass, I’ve decided to let it slide, be more flexible, let idiots and morons run the world. The thing is, most of us make up our own rules as we go along. One day, I made up the rule which dictates that I can't wear the same underpants more than three days in a row. So sometimes, when I’m drunk, I want to let people write whatever they want, as long as people can understand what each other are saying. And then I sober up, and fear the day will come when a President will mess up an age-old saying like “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”

I do however hope that you’ll be part of the 3% of people (I pulled this figure out of thin air, based on no scientific research whatsoever) who manage to actually stick to what you decided to do, make the world a better place and stop annoying me. I’ll probably never accomplish any of mine; I never do anything besides sit at my desk in my underwear and moan about stuff. I’m even surprised I’m writing this right now, and I’m almost disappointed in you for reading it. Now clear off before I call the taste-police on you.

#1201 - About FMyLife - On 02/06/2012 at 10:42am by Alan/FML Team - 13 comments

Inanimate FML

Okaeri! I hope you had a great week out in the cold (most of our southern hemisphere friends don't know what they're missing). Personally, since I discovered this website I couldn't have been better. This week we're welcoming an atypical artist since whisky and j-pop are on the menu. Forget everything you thought you knew about the Scottish living in Japan, James Grant will show you how it all fits together:




-James, it's great to have you on FML, why did you decide to contribute to FML's traditional illustrated Saturday?
-It's great to be here! I have been a fan of FML for quite some time, and after starting my own webcomic a few months ago I wanted to challenge myself with something different.

-Is FML different enough ?
-Of course! The situations and gags are already pre-written, but there was a lot of legroom to inject some of my craziness into the final strip. The best part was trying not to take the scenario too literally, and finding different angles to tell the same gag from, then just seeing what sticks.

-It ended up being quite awesome. Tell us more about you, how old are you?
-Pretty sure I'm 25 physically, with the mentality of a 12 year old. I'm currently living in Japan in order to improve my language skills and artwork. Oh, and I love drinking tea. My fastest record is about 26 seconds, hoho.

-In which city do you live?
-I currently live in Aomori, which is to the North of Japan. Aomori is home to Japan's, and possibly the world's, most delicious apples, the famous Nebuta Matsuri festival, and incredibly long, cold winters. 

-Japan, what a crazy adventure. Where were you from?
-I'm from Scotland originally. People used to run in fear when I told them this, but it turns out we aren't all caber-tossing, foul mouthed, skirt wearing, knife-wielding carnivores. We're actually a pretty nice bunch of people. Aside from the language barrier, dealing with culture shock was also a big hurdle for me, as most of my Japanese coworkers are incredibly quiet and extremely polite. Quite the opposite of what I am used to back home, haha.

-What's your job in this crazy country?
-By day I teach English at two Japanese High Schools, and by night I draw comics! One of the schools I teach at majors in technology, so it's a lot of fun being able to interact with the children through topics that I'm really interested in myself. Though, it kind of sucks getting your ass kicked by a 15 year old when it comes to playing Street Fighter.

-(Sounds like GTO to me.) That's a pretty huge decision you made by moving to Japan. What's the lamest and coolest part?
-(I actually dress like GTO and occasionally try to run over kids on my motorbike) I literally had to drop my life and go when I received the phone call confirming the job offer, but it was a chance I was willing to take if it meant living the dream! Speaking of GTO, the coolest thing that has happened to me was probably visiting Tokyo the day after I got my first paycheck. It didn't last long, and with no import taxes or delivery charges, neither did the thousands of games, DVDs, or figures that I've wanted to own since I was a kid. Ka-ching. The lamest thing would probably be never getting to see my family whenever I like! Tickets home are incredibly expensive, the preparation and 20 hours it takes to travel are a massive downer when I all I want to do is cuddle my dog!

*Side-note: James and I then spent 30 minutes speaking about our dogs, so let's just skip that part*

-Speaking of dogs, have you had the chance to meet Godzilla yet?
-While Godzilla is still on my "Massive Things I Need to Meet" list, I've been introduced to a life-sized Totoro, Pikachu, Laputa Robot Soldier, and recently, Hirosaki Castle's famous Mascot Takamaru-kun!



-What are your inspirations?
-Insert the generic "Well Alice, I've been into video games, anime and manga since I was but a wee laddie" line here, and we're all set. I'll try to be specific. I'm a big fan of manga works by Kiyohiko Azuma, Keiichi Arawi, and many other talented 4koma artists that have the ability to capture humour and timing perfectly. As for art, I am a massive follower of anime companies such as Gainax, Production IG and Kyoani. In particular, the visual styles of popular series such as Panty & Stocking, FLCL, and Gurren Lagann are all really big inspirations. I am also a long-time SEGA fan and have been inspired by the character and enemy designs of Kazuyuki Hoshino (Sonic CD/Sonic Adventure 2) as well as the graffiti-like style used in the Jet Set Radio games. I am trying to make Crazy Sunshine into a mix of Japanese-styled 4koma humour suitable for a western audience, taking influences from Japanese anime and infusing them with American classics such as Dexter's Lab and the Powerpuff Girls.

-Oh it's my last question already: why did you choose this story?
-I always seem to imagine that inanimate objects are actually alive and have feelings. Just ask my car. Anyway, when I read about a vacuum cleaner eating up someone's valuables, I had no choice but to give the machine a little bit of a personality as I started to imagine it scoffing down the poor woman's dog. That, and I think it's important to look at both sides of a coin. What if the women who wrote the story was actually a massive bitch (no offense, uh, Lauren from Texas, was it?) with a grudge against a shy, weak-willed cleaning lady who was forced into feeding a demanding little vacuum cleaner? I think it's a neat idea reading FML stories from two different perspectives, try it out!

-That's an awesome answer, thank you very much James for your participation, and for being kind enough to answer my questions!








#1197 - Illustrated FML - On 02/03/2012 at 8:38am by Alice - 2 comments

FML the hard way

Good morning lovely readers, I swear that today I'll write an introduction (I already used the SOPA excuse, so now I'm out of good ones). Today we're welcoming the author of a webcomic that's all about the joys of parenthood, and he knows what he's talking about as he's a young dad. Forget everything you thought you knew about kids, diapers and social services (my bad, that was last week) and let's start this interview:

-Dustin hello, it's great to welcome you onto the FML boat, where do you live?
-I live in Portland, Oregon. Been living here for about 1 1/2 years now and loving it. I actually grew up in Portland, moved away for a bit and came back when my daughter was born.

-What's your job?
-I am a freelance graphic designer and a full time stay-at-home dad. Which means I generally work when my daughter is sleeping, when Momma gets home or in the whee hours of the mourning.

-Tell us more about your webcomic.
-I do a webcomic called Plus One, which is the adventure of two friends and un-planned pregnancy. It's a progressive story, so it starts out with the woman saying "I think I'm pregnant" and includes the pregnancy, dirty diapers, telling family, moving to a new home and so forth. Right now, the daughter, Anna, is about 1 1/2 and is walking and learning to talk. It's a humorous story about being a parent (even when you aren't expecting it) and all the fun things that come with that.

-So, this story is inspired by your life?
-Loosely based on my life. I do have a daughter (that wasn't planned) with my best friend. There are details here and there that are different that I added for the sack of telling a good story.

-What (or who) are your inspirations?
-Growing up I read a lot of Calvin and Hobbes, Garfield and Far Side strips. I also read X men and Sonic the hedgehog comics. I remember learning how to draw from my older brother though. When we were little, we'd sit at the kitchen table and I'd imitate his drawings. Nowadays I love reading Kazu Kibushi work, my favorite being "Daisy Kutter". I also enjoy Jan Elliot's "Stone Soup" and pretty much any art from Mike Maihack.

-What is the future of "Plus One"?
-Plus One is an ongoing story, so I'll just keep making it until I run out of ideas. Since I'm using my life as a loose base for the story, I don't really see stopping it anytime soon. I do have an overall arc that will bring the story to a close when Anna turns 18. So by that calculations, I have about 16 or so years of left. Roughly speaking of course.

-What's better, being a graphic designer or a webcomic artist?
-Right now, graphic design simply because it's paying the bills and gives me enough free time to draw comics. My goal is to eventually make a living on comics and slow down on the graphic design part.


-Why did you choose this FML story?
-I chose this one because it made me laugh. I don't get to write too many boner jokes in Plus One, so this was a nice step outside of my normal joke realm. Not that I have anything against penis jokes, it's just that normally the boner comes first, then the baby comes second. And after that, you don't really have a lot of time for more boners. Sigh... the life of a busy parent.

-Ah boners, it's hard not to make a joke about them. Thank you very much Dustin for taking part!






Dustin's website :



#1193 - Illustrated FML - On 01/27/2012 at 11:36am by Alice - 1 comments

The FML wings

I really wanna do this introduction SOPA/PIPA style.

There. It's weird having the internet censored, right? Plus it's really a shame, I wrote some pretty cool jokes. Anyway, let's get on with the interview folks:



-Marcel Guldemond (what a strange name) welcome to FML! Due to the awesome illustration you made, I really want to make this sound as if I was a member of the social services. So that's what I'm going to do. What's your age?
-Oh dear, sounds like I've gotten myself into trouble.

-You think you could draw a comic for FML without suffering the consequences? Cute. How old are you?
-I'm not sure I want to divulge my age, so let's just say I'm on the downhill side of 35! Or another way to put it is I went to high school in the 80s.

-Oh, you want to play the mysterious guy, okay I'll unravel your secrets, where do you live?
-I live in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada

-As you may know, 80% of our readers are American, give us 3 reasons that proves Canada is a real country.
-Ha! Awesome question! Let me see...
1) Our money is all different colours
2) Our old people successfully invaded Florida
3) We have poutine and hockey! FYI, poutine is a food that originated in Quebec: french fries with cheese curds piled on top and then covered in gravy.

-Wrong, the right answer was "we invented Trivial Pursuit, burned!" Let's get to the next question. What's your relationship status?
-I'm married with one daughter and another on the way.



-Does she drink Redbull too?
-Dear god no! She's 2 and is 110% all the time, so she doesn't need any extra stimulus!

-"110% of the time", I see . Does she take drugs ?
-Nope, it's all natural

-... So do you take drugs?
-Uh, no, of course not... 

-Then why did you choose this FML story?
-Good question. There were a lot of good stories to choose from, but this one seemed to have good humourous potential, and I felt I could relate to it more because of my advanced age and being a father. A lot of the stories feel like they're written by teenagers, and I can't even remember being a teenager, and all that embarrassing stuff I did back then probably wasn't even me, and I'm sure I have an alibi.

-Speaking of teenagers, let's talk about your situation: "Artist", is that your only job?
-No, I do have a 'day job', which is working on computer programming/software development. It pays most of my bills and it's only 3 days a week, so I have time to develop my skills as an artist.

-I'm pleased you have a real job (if some lazy readers have only started reading from this point, I want to specify that I'm playing a member of social services here. Role-playing, I know, hot.) Tell me more "abot" (yeah, I had to do this) this passion of yours?
-Which passion? The one for setting things on fire? Oh wait, not that one. I mean, that's not one I have. At all. ... Ohhh, you mean for art. Well, I seem to have had that one since I can remember. I've always been drawing and making comics, telling stories with art. When I decided to go to school for computer science, I did that because I figured it would be a good way to pay the bills while still affording some time to do art.



-You're more of an artist than a comic artist is that correct?
-Yes, I made a transition from indie comic artist to gallery painter a few years ago

-Why is that?
-That's a good question. I really love comics, but the comics I was making were more philosophical and not very accessible, which made the market for them even smaller than the normal comics market. And then one year I made some paintings as Christmas gifts for my friends, and decided that I missed working with paint. Things kind of shifted from there, as I did some shows and realized that there was a market for my paintings.

-What are your next projects?
-I'm currently working on new paintings to send to some galleries. I haven't really planned any shows because we have another baby due soon, so that will keep me occupied for a little while. As well, I'm working on doing a short comic story with a friend of mine who's a professional theatre director and playwright, but that's still early stages, so we have no idea what's going to come out of that collaboration. I want to do a series of paintings with robots as the main characters too.

-Well, thank you Marcel, that was fun to do!









#1189 - Illustrated FML - On 01/20/2012 at 4:55am by Alice - 4 comments

Naked FML

Some shocking news has been revealed this week. It broke my heart, and I must talk about it. You guys deserve to know: Robert Pattinson is no longer sporting a dead raccoon on his head. I know it hurts, but please don't cry. It's the end of an era, but a new... wait, what? Oh you're not crying! You're laughing because of his new look? I can't blame you for that, folks. Now, let's get to business; grab your chopsticks and bring a gas mask, because we're visiting the most polluted place in the world. No, we're not in the United States; we're talking about China, where today's artist Kristina Stipetic lives!


-So good morning/good evening/I don't know what time it is for you/ Kristina! How are you?
-It's evening here, about 5pm. I'm pretty good, just finished a day of work and going to make dinner soon.

-Where do you live?
-I live in the gorgeous garden city Suzhou, in China

-Your name doesn't sound that Chinese... where are you from?
-I'm from America, actually, but I've been living in China for over a year. I wanted to have some adventure and this seemed like a good way to find it.

-Wanted to know how to eat with chopstick?
-Haha, I've already been eating with chopsticks since I was little. Plus there's a lot of Chinese restaurants in America

-Oh, so you're just feeling at home. Did you want to go to China because of your work?
-No, just for adventure. My husband is a teacher, so he was able to find a job teaching English here. I can use the internet to find illustration work, so it doesn't really matter where in the world I am.



-How old are you?
-I'm 25. How old are you? Or should I refrain from asking the interviewer questions?

-Oh my lord, it's the first time someone being interviewed has asked me a question! I wonder if I should lie to the readers or not. Oh what the hell. I'm 126 years old. How's life in China?
-It's either up or down. I'm always either having a great adventure or having a nervous breakdown. Some days it's really hard to be away from all your friends and family and not be able to speak much of the native language. Other days, I'm overwhelmed with the beauty of the gardens in Suzhou, or enjoying the excitement of the open-air markets. One thing for sure is, I'm never bored.

-And how does it feel to live in the next first world-power?
-I get pretty jealous, actually. The transportation infrastructure in China is something I wish we had in America. You can get on a train from Shanghai in the morning and be in Beijing that night. Even small villages are connected by a network of cheap and easy buses. It's very easy to live without a car because everything is in walking distance. Although if I was Chinese, I wouldn't be able to publish the sort of comics I like to make. It doesn't look like China will have the sort of freedom of speech that the US has, not any time soon at least.



-What are your American-orientated  and open-minded projects?
-Currently I'm writing/drawing a webcomic called 14 Nights which is about two men in a relationship, one of whom is afraid of sex. It's got around 130 pages so far, and I think there will be maybe 300 pages total.

-Thanks to you, and Saeko Doyle, it's boys love on FML. Now last question Kristina! Why did you choose this story?
-I loved the detail about sending the naked photo to Pizza Hut. That really made the story come to life for me.

-And now I want to eat pizza. Thank you Kristina for your participation!
-Thanks for having me! Man, now I want pizza, too. And it's very expensive in China. Damn.






Kristina's website :


#1185 - Illustrated FML - On 01/14/2012 at 3:28am by Alice - 6 comments