Submit your FML story

  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
  • - CAUTION: Read your message over. Please don't use text language and avoid making too many spelling mistakes.
  • - Please note that spam and nonsensical stories will result in you being blocked from accessing FML.
Your nick:
Categories :
Man or woman?

Blog main page | RSS feed | All posts

Illustrated FML (276) - About FMyLife (39) - Videos (34) - Ramblings (15) - Books (9) - Competitions (6) - Special guests (6)

Monsieur K's Illustrated FML

Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours. Right, that's this week's Kylie Minogue reference done with, let's get on with the show. It's the weekend so it's time to delve once again into the murky waters of the world of illustrated FMLs, and I promise that no references will be made to that World Cup thing that everyone seems to be banging on about at the moment.

MONSIEUR K'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"I don't have a shitty life. Things just seem to look good to me. Or maybe I only remember the good stuff."

Self-portrait Monsieur by K.


This week, we're welcoming Monsieur K. OK, so all I know about him is his moniker, Monsieur K. I've left the French "Monsieur", because it sounds classier. He's a mystery wrapped in a shroud stuffed into a quandary, a bit like UFOs, Swedish girls and people who use homeopathy. But as I've learned, subjects such as those should remain unquestioned, otherwise men in black turn up in vans and rearrange your kneecaps with big sticks, so let's leave it at that.

A quick look at his details:
Age: 39
Location: Montpellier, France
Website: His Facebook page
His illustrated FML: The one about the neighbours who...


These last few times, I've welcomed a few young artists. I'm not saying that Monsieur K. is an old guy, it's just that when he speaks, you can tell he's been around the block a few times: "In my life I've done a few more or less useful things, little self-produced films, music festivals, an adorable daughter, a few low-end jobs to get by and some memorable hangovers, but recently, to avoid things getting too out of hand, I've decided to concentrate on doing only one thing: making comics." Like many artists and creative people, he uses his talent to escape the mundane: "Real life is not always exciting, more filled with trivialities and problems than marvelousness, so I like to hide away in a bubble we'll call fiction. Comics in particular are remarkable because I don't have to chase after money to move forward and I can remain master of my own domain, in front of my drawing board. I decide the rules without having to argue with anyone else than myself, and with no collateral damage or victims."

As for his news and projects, he's launching his first self-edited comic book called K-World, and you can get a copy if you contact him directly. As for projects, he's creating an alternate history story with Phil Barnson. "The first book is underway and is called "The shadow of the Beast." Its backdrop is history's greatest mysteries and the revelations will be astounding." 

Food and inspiration: He recommends diversity when selecting biscuits, which is a great way to live your life. When asked where his passion for drawing comes from, instead of replying "your mom" like everyone else would, he revealed that he was a bit like Newton and the apple: he got his inspiration from a fruit: "I've been drawing since before my memory can recall but what I do remember is copying old Tintin albums from the '50s, in Brussels,at my grand-mother's, eating raisin bread, with grape juice. So I think it all comes from grapes." 

What are the latest things he's liked? "Erm... the problem is that my memory is terrible so I repeat myself. Check out Kubrick's movies and read Franquin's "Dark thoughts" comic books. After which, it's like with biscuits, I suggest diversity. There's a lot of good things out there, you can't beat curiosity." I couldn't agree more. You can find some wonderful things by looking around and being nosy, instead of waiting for someone to dish it out. Something tells me that if I was to sit down for a pint with Monsieur K, the conversation would soon sound like two grumpy disappointed but passionate old men, and it would be great!

Speaking of being passionate, what about other stuff than drawing? More drawing I suppose, right? "All my vices and pastimes, passions and everyday pleasures have all been recently concentrated towards drawing. I stopped drawing when I was 20 to do a million other more or less constructive things (usually less) and now 20 years later I've decided to become single-minded. See you in 20 years to see how it worked out." I'll see you there! I'll probably still be grumbling at young people who still haven't listened to and loved the first three Velvet Underground albums, or considering that a house that doesn't contain a copy of "Psychocandy" by The Jesus and Mary Chain isn't a home. 

A final thing to say about his personal FML: "I don't have a shitty life. Things just seem good to me. Or maybe I just remember the good things. It's better for your mental health to believe that you're lucky... even if I always get the postman ringing the doorbell for me to sign for something on the only day I could've stayed in bed until noon." 

Yep, we're lucky. Think about it. We're reading FML, on computers or smartphones. Many of you are on vacation or are planning them. I'm not, though. No beach for me. As the late great Bill Hicks used to say, people at the beach are all tanned skin, white teeth; I'm all white skin, tanned teeth. No, this summer, I'm staying indoors and watching Big Brother UK, drinking non-alcoholic Jack Daniel's and cokes. Yes, they exist. I swear on the baby Jeebus. Anyway, time to go for this week. Here's the JAMC that I mentioned earlier to play us out. See you next week, and as always, be excellent to each other.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1459 - Illustrated FML - On 07/04/2014 at 11:39am by Alan - 9 comments

Loyd's Illustrated FML

So, how are the first few days of summer working out for you? OK, I know, the southern hemisphere isn't concerned by my opening statement, but it's hot where I am right now, and I'm self-obsessed. As much as I like Australian culture like, erm, what was that show about the school? Anyway, sorry, but it's summer over here. It's Beach Boys sort of weather. Speaking of music, this week's artist has a particular musician he likes to use as medication. Read on. 

LOYD'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"My hero is Johnny Cash. An all-natural anti-anxiety medication since 1932. Just a bit of Daddy Sang Bass, and I'm ready to roll again!"

Self portrait, Loyd by Théo

This week it's the turn of Théo, also known under the moniker as Loyd. I will only refer to him as Loyd throughout the article so I can pretend he's the guy from Entourage. 

Let's get some sort of bullet point thing going on:
Age: 19 ans
Location: Lyon, France
Blog: The world of Loyd
His illustrated FML: The one about the girl who...

OK, so, a strapping young lad of 19. A man with the world at his feet. People might be wondering why I've put the links in the middle of the article like that. It seems that reading about the artist is too much for some people, and that things need to be clearer for people in a hurry. I hope this will do. 

Loyd, then. He's entering his third year in an art school which specialises in illustrations/comic books/animation, where he went to to study comic books exclusively. "I'd say that it's beyond a choice, my passion is such an obsession that it's as if I didn't feel capable of studying anything else!" He says he lacks time to rest but would like to have more comic book lessons every week, as in more hours. Steady on there, pencil boy!  
He made a name for himself on 30joursdebd, and created videos "of exquisite humour and taste" with a friend, and they've created a comic book fanzine, "thanks to which we got to present and sign our work at the Franzine festival." Oh, and he makes cookies with his girlfriend. He says he was a cooks assistant for a week, so they should be good, right? Yes, we would like some please. 


And how about his projects? "For the moment I'm working on a comic book project that I'll be working on during the summer vacation and the send here and there in September. Fingers crossed. Other than that, with my video buddy, we're preparing a web-series with a real team of pros, so if you're interested it'll be called Failures and should be out at the end of September on our Youtube channel! In the meantime, you can check out our antics, there's twenty or so." That's quite a lot of stuff in store, good going! 

He says he was mainly inspired by Joann Sfar and that his favourite biscuit is "without a doubt the round, spirally cookie that's full of butter. You know, the one that's really rich and is a big mistake to eat a whole box of for breakfast. Good luck to anyone who has, and get well soon." 
The latest stuff he's enjoyed are Mandela, the long road to freedom, the movie about Morgan Freeman being constantly being mistaken for Winston Mandela after having acted in the movie about Winston Mandela.In comics he recommends "Blast" by Larcenet and "as for TV shows, I've just discovered True Detective and its... MY GOD WHAT A SHOW." Yes, it was OK, but as I've said many times before, it was not as good as Knight Rider. The original with the amazing David Hasselhoff. Was there a remake? There'd better not be. I'll start cutting people's bollocks off if there's a remake. Balls on the road, nim nim nim. Oh, and he recommends the wonderful, magnificent Glory Owl comic strips, "the best strips ever, after Calvin and Hobbes". 

And what does he do for enjoyment? "What I like to do above all is eat sunflower seeds, and watch the empty shells grow into mounds besides my computer. It makes me feel powerful. And what I hate above all else is watching someone eat bread with nothing but mayonnaise on it. Just thinking about it makes me angry. Besides that, I like watching the sun go down over the horizon while humming a Jean-Jacques Goldman song while drinking some almond milk (I'm joking!)". Be careful Loyd, no joking about Jean-Jacques Goldman. Some of you, well, most of you are probably wondering who Jean-Jacques Goldman is. Well, he's one of the most popular french singers ever. He's written for dozens of people. He's made a fortune. He's... well, have a listen for yourself. I'm British, I grew up on the Beatles and the Smiths. Moving to France was a cultural shock. Speaking of phobias (no real transition there, but I'm drunk on power), any phobias? "I'm afraid of Scutigera coleoptrata. You don't know what they are? Have a look on Google Images and you'll soon find out. They're everywhere in the summer in my apartment and they can be at least 15cm long. They're AWFUL. And they can bite. And jump." Ew, I'd run a mile in broken glass on my cock to get away from one of those.

And to finish off, how about a nice little personal FML? "When I was twelve years old, I was getting ready to go to school with my best friend, until on the way there I realised that I was wearing my full pajamas, complete with blue and with bear heads, which complemented to a t my flip flops. Charisma like they don't make any more. FML"

Yes, that could've been on our list. That's all for this week, thanks to Théo/Loyd for his work and kindness. We're going back beside the pool to get a nice tan... No, not really. We live in a really shit part of town. There used to be a swimming pool round here until Fat Mark threw a Ford Escort wheel into the shallow end and the council closed it down. Our town is grey. Our underpants are grey. Life is grey, it's was great here in the '80s, now it's just... Oh sorry, wrong meeting. Next week we'll be receiving a pony that can paint with its dick because it can. Until then, be excellent to each other, don't call your parents because it's too much stress. Once a year is enough. Watch the World Cup, it's like, football. Oh and stop arguing that Football and Soccer are two different terms, or that Football is hand-egg and Soccer is the American name for the thing that was invented in Britain. Soccer is also a British word, it comes from Association Football. Rugby used to be called Rugby Football. Soccer, Rugger. Get it? So there, you've learned something totally irrelevant, maybe. Bye bye.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1458 - Illustrated FML - On 06/27/2014 at 9:29am by Alan - 3 comments

Calomiel's illustrated FML

Put down your pens, the exam is over. Come on, hand it to me. Don't you think I can see you in the back there? Yes, you, trying to add a few last touches to your illustrated FML. Stop it right now, or I'll get you suspended from FML's School for Lost Causes. Yep, in many parts of the world right now, loads of students are taking exams and parts of their anatomies are sweating profusely from the pressure. Nice image. Here at FML, we managed to find one high school student who had the time to make us an illustration and send it to us in time for the weekend. So, let's have a look.

CALOMIEL'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"As far as I'm concerned, store-brand budget chocolate shortbread cookies are fine by me,
ha ha."

Self-portrait Calomiel by Calomiel

This week, it's yet another bloody kid. Sorry, a kid. Yes, I'm a grumpy old bastard. Calomiel is 16 and she lives near Paris in France. She's currently taking her end of the year exam in French language and literature. Next year will be her final year in high school. She made this illustrated FML for us, and it's mighty spiffing as a character that Hugh Grant might play in a movie would say.
Of course, she has a blog which contains all her work and the usual bloggy stuff. It's in French so you might want to grab hold of your neighbour who talks with an accent to help you out with the jokes. I don't know her real name, though. She won't tell us. "I never give my real name, just to keep a certain mystery going." I'm guessing she means in relation to her illustrations, not say if she were driving around on a motorbike with a hole in the exhaust and no crash-helmet and the police pulled her over and started shouting at her. Or maybe she would say that, because she's absolutely bonkers. Who knows with these artists?

So, Calomiel, or whatever your name is these days,
 tell us what is that you like about your life. "I like starting from scratch, a simple white sheet of paper, to create little by little a character that I give life to, or an imaginary world that allows us to dream... It's this idea of creating, that's the main thing I like about drawing." This is an idea that is often mentioned by the artists and illustrators that I get to talk to in this column. It requires a talent for drawing which certainly don't have, as well as a hefty dose of imagination. Being able to draw people isn't enough, you have to be able to put them into different contexts and conjure up scenarios. Calomiel also speaks about the of the freedom she has to "invent anything, according to what I'm feeling at the time". It's true that it must be nice to be able to create alter egos and make them do whatever you feel like. For example, another "us" who would do whatever we don't dare do in real life. Without going too far, of course. Imagine your cubicle co-worker finding your doodles of her being run over by a steamroller; you might be misconstrued as a sociopath, no matter how good your drawings are.  

Her projects include travelling the world, but to be able to travel, you need money, and as she's really into procrastinating, she's a long way from getting on that plane. So, nothing really in the pipeline at the moment, she draws for herself, and that's good enough for us. She's always done drawings, and loved arts classes in middle school, "except my teacher in 6th grade who was horrible" (a big shout out to you Mr Horrible, then). "But a few years later I discovered the blog called Yatuu, and digital drawing, and I gave it a go. I haven't stopped since, and for the past year I've been practising realistic drawings, portraits, etc." And very good they are too. 

Speaking of favourite artists, she mentions Diglee, Margaux Motin, Miss Holly, Télégrammes, Marie Crayon, Barty and ZLGM. Carrying on into the theme of tastes and stuff she likes: “I LOVED: The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Superb. Magnificent. And then there's "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green. It's the first time I almost cried while reading a book, which is saying something. I can't wait to see the movie.” For someone as bitter as me, I like seeing someone so enthusiastic about something. The only times I'm that enthused about something is when I realise there's some hummus left in the fridge when I thought I'd run out, or when two guys start a fist fight in the street below my apartment, and they're too drunk to actually hurt themselves, and so unsure as to why they're fighting in the first place that it becomes funny. 

And to finish off the article, a personal FML maybe? “I was touching up some photos on my computer. Concentrated and inspired, I was doing things one after another, forgetting to
regularly save my work. Photoshop crashed and my work disappeared. Of course, it didn't teach me a lesson because I've done the same thing several times since." A classic mistake that we can all empathise with.

I thank Calomiel for taking part, I love your illustrated FML. Next week we'll be on a helicopter, flying over a large city, telling everyone though a loudspeaker about big pharma and chem-trails and... No, only joking tinfoil-hat brigade. As if. Until next weekend, have fun, be excellent to each other and fight the power.

 

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1457 - Illustrated FML - On 06/20/2014 at 8:44am by Alan - 7 comments

Léna's Illustrated FML

So, is it summer or what?  Can we get on with it now? It is June after all. I've got my jorts out, let me strut my stuff down the street and get my t-shirt wet from a fire hydrant or something. Anyway, enough whining about the heat, let's concentrate on this week's jungle-themed illustration. It's plenty hot enough in the jungle. Yes, there's a tenous link in there somewhere and I'm going to go with that. Let's meet this week's bright young artist!

LÉNA'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"I don't really have a hero because I'm already basically perfect and I'm a princess." 

Self-portrait, Léna by Léna

OK, I'll admit it: this week I was on holiday. Yes, sometimes I take short breaks. I need to take time to get away from the hustle and bustle of FML so I can recharge my batteries, find the true meaning of life, get in touch with the real me, all that horseshit. Anyway, I return after a few days away, and nothing has moved. The pens are all in the same place, the cat is still laying on the keyboard... So, let me pour a stiff drink and introduce this week's artist. 

So, who are you? “My name is Léna, but I'm better known on social networks as Skyechu. I got this from the name Skye which I stole from a game, to which I added 'chu', it's an affectionate nickname that I decided to keep." So, that's that. She's quite young when compared to the illustrators I usually receive in this neck of the woods (she turned 17 on the 2nd of June, so a belated Happy Birthday to her) ans she lives in the Paris area in France. She's created a wild illustrated FML for us, and even created a fake magazine cover to go with it (in French, as all fashion magazines are). Nice work, and we appreciate her going that extra mile just for us. You can also check out other examples of her work here and there. When I was 17, I was only just learning how to badly play the guitar and annoy people (which I'm still good at I suppose), so seeing Léna so talented at such a young age is filling me with hope for her future, she probably won't end up like me, stuck in a small flat, with two cats, annoyed at the world, with bad B.O., no particular talents, certainly not a talent for writing blog articles, naked, addicted to Big Brother UK and... OK OK, I've said too much about my own life, it's become depressing now. 

Speaking of life, what's Léna's like? “I'm in high-school, in the year before last, in a scientific-maths class. I'm an average student, and I'm trying my hardest to get into art school after I graduate, if I do graduate, huhu." Wait, what? "Average"? "If I do graduate, huhu"? Léna, do you REALLY want me to come round with my friends from the art school to boot you around the playground until you get your ass into gear? What sort of attitude is that? Nah, that won't do. Then again, who am I to judge? I used to sit in the middle row of the class and just coast, waiting for the bell to go. After graduation, Léna is going to go on an illustration upgrade course, then choose between either graphic design or illustration diplomas. So, she has projects then. And after that? She wants to "publish a series of childrens books" for 3 to 6 year olds, illustrated the same way as her FML, with animals. She's already done one to teach colors, and hopes to do one next year about the alphabet and the world.

As for her drawing style, she reckons she lacks maybe a few "details" and knowledge of "her" anatomy. These are usually essential to make a character life-like, but in her case it gives her drawings a certain naive charm, and this quaint appeal will no doubt grow once she masters the few kinks in her style. We should keep an eye on her work! 

When asked which artists she likes, she mentions Charlène Tabary, alias Chane “who makes really nice watercolor illustrations”, and in general, her life revolves around her boyfriend (who she mentions a lot during the course of the interview, so he's a lucky guy), shortbread (the scottish biscuit things), a few video games (most notably MMOs and League of Legends), "animals and the color pink". Her passion: "drawing and maybe singing very badly". OK, but we'll avoid that last part though. She reckons that she has no flaws because she's a princess. Hey, so am I. YES I AM. She says she's arachnophobic, but most sane people are, aren't they? It's quite rational to see all spiders as being 3 feet tall. It's safer.

How about something you really liked recently to end the article? “I mostly watch animated movies and I must say that the latest thing I really enjoyed was a song from 'Frozen' (which I really didn't enjoyed by the way) called ‘Love is an Open Door” So, thanks to magic internet, we can share it with our internet friends so they can decide for themselves. We thank Léna for taking part, we liked your illustrated FML. The offer to come and boot your ass into gear, that was a joke of course. I mention that in case our friends from the NSA and the FBI are back on my case. They've already been in touch about my repeated requests to be sent Jack Daniel's stocks in exchange for mentioning them over and over (never worked, though). Next week it's another illustrator joining us for another illustrated FML. Until then, be excellent to each other, and remember to wish your Dad a happy Father's Day on sunday, he deserves it after having put up with your crap for so many years. Take care. Oh, and and maybe I'll mention the World Cup next week. Maybe. 

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1456 - Illustrated FML - On 06/13/2014 at 10:58am by Alan - 15 comments

Vinss's Illustrated FML

Summer's here and the time is right for dancing in the streets. Or maybe not, depending on where you live. Here at FML Towers, the weather is weird. One minute the sun has got his hat on, hip hip hip hooray, and everyone and his dog is out and about in the streets in t-shirts and shades, the next it's raining cats and dogs like Wales in... any month of the year, really. At the moment, it's nice enough to break out the choc ices, so we're going to make the most of the warmth and talk illustrations and exotic birds. Let's start the engine as we set off for a quite chatty encounter. 

VINSS'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"I smoke while I work, I drink Coke while I work, I use the empty cans as ashtrays... and sometimes I get them mixed up." 

Self-portrait: Vinss by Vincent

This week we're welcoming Vincent, AKA Vinss. He was recommended by a friend of mine, and usually, friend recommendations regarding artists are a bit tricky, and go, "Yeah man, my friend Jason, he so good at drawing man, he designed the car from Knight Rider and shit!" Then you check out this guy Jason's work and it's a few stick men and a smudge or two, and before you know it you're headed for an awkward conversation with your friend about how you can't use Jason's work due to "time constraints" and "deadlines". Yeah, people lie. Everybody lies. In this case, no lies were required. Vincent is good. You just have to check out his blog and the illustrated FML he did for us to be convinced. See what I did there? Con-vinced? Vince convinced us. Fine, be like that.

Vincent is 37, he lives in Paris
 and he's an “illustrator, cartoonist, freelance graphic designer and sound engineer for live shows in a pub." A complete artist then. I can barely play the intro to "The Boy With The Thorn in His Side" on the recorder. So Vincent, Vinss, how do you approach creating things? "Each day is different, the progression is endless and the fact is that being one day 'really' happy of your drawings seems like some sort of utopia." A sentiment that seems to be shared by many talented people. It's never happened to me, if you see what I mean.

His currect projects include a comic book called "Graoo", and is in the middle of creating a website/comic book blog with some other illustrators "so we can publish our projects without having to go through, or need, editors." I like this independent spirit, a bit like Postcard Record or Creation. Not sure what I'm talking about? It's not important, but you're missing out on some great albums and tracks.

As all of of us here at FML, Vincent has a thing for Clint Eastwood, sort of a hero-worship. But who wouldn't? Dirty Harry, come on, coolest badass ever (along with Jason King). He also reckons that he'd like to "sleep for a month, draw and live on 'love and fresh water'", which sounds odd but it's a French expression. I'd just make do with the sleeping for a month part. He admits that he goes out "way too much" and has "a tendancy to party with my friends which is slightly overboard sometimes." Here at FML, we won't be the ones to cast the first stone, since we're so decadent.

As for his passions and things he likes, Vincent recommends the comic book “Battling Boy" by Paul Pope, the book “Le Déchronologue by Stéphane Beauverger, the TV show The Killing and for music Gruff Rhys. Hey, I was just talking about Wales. Small world. His favorite authors are Franquin, Frank Miller, Alan Moore, “and many more.” And what about the authors he checks out regularly? "No one in particular. I look around the Internet, in shops, and when I find something I like it becomes a compulsion." I get the same way with a certain kind of animal-shaped biscuits, Vinss likes them too but I won't mention them because I've tried getting big corporations to send me free stuff and they never do, so no free advertising. How'd you like them bananas, big pharma, huh? Made my point. 

He says he was inspired to draw by his mother: "She would give me a piece of paper and a pencil whenever she wanted me to leave her alone. I've always drawn things." 

To end the article, Vinss doesn't have a particular personal FML, except that sometimes, while working he'll confuse the Coca Cola can he's drinking with the one he's using as an ashtray. Yuck. Anyway, your work is excellent: this week's illustrated FML is perfect. I'm going to leave you with the song quoted at the very start of the article because it's a good song and everyone should put it on loud and dance around, any version will do (avoid the Bowie/Jagger video, though). Next week, the weather will be all over the place, a new illustrator will be with us and we'll see how that goes. Until then, be excellent to each other, and may the force of David Hassellhoff be with you. 
 

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1455 - Illustrated FML - On 06/06/2014 at 11:42am by Ala - 7 comments


FML's blog

  • Malec's illustrated FML
  • Life is like a box of chocolate full of piece of rabbit droppings sometimes, isn't it? OK, I'll admit that's a weird way to start an article a few days before Christmas. Let me explain: you try and get…

Friday 12 December 2014

The whole blog

FMyLife, world tour

Available on: