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How To Bag A Geek

Ladies, sometimes in life you need to lower your expectations. You're close to (or already in) your thirties; your hormones are screaming out, you're ready to procreate, and yet you're still single? You need a man.

Once you're in this particular age group, you need to stop deluding yourself. You'll have to pick someone from one of two categories:

- the damaged, who's just realized after a 7 year relationship with his high-school sweetheart that she was cheating on him all along with his best friend. Which sucks. He's lost all faith in love and will soon start collecting rifles or develop Klismaphilia.

- the geek. However, I'm not talking about guys with an iPhone, who kick ass at Plants vs Zombies (they're just naive hipsters). I'm talking about a real geek, with a scraggly mess of hair, poor home-furnishing organised around network cables and RAM strips, and who - his mother excluded - talks to two girls a month, and that's when it's time to grab some food like frozen pizza/coke/noodles at the convenience store. The single and rather cute geek is a relatively untapped resource and somewhat neglected, so GO FOR IT GALS.

I won't go over the benefits of having a geek as a boyfriend and father, nor how to get one; it's all been done before. Instead, I'll give you a surefire guide on how to bag one of these shy boys and get him to do the previously implausible: try to hit on you in a clumsy but cute way.

              illustration by @toadscroack

 

1. Intro: using the network to get your net (to) work

You're used to using your skills on regular guys, and you don't go in for the kill until you've found out as much as you can about your target via Facebook. Unfortunately, the geek may have a rebellious streak (he may be really into being a private and untraceable fellow), and may not have signed up for an account. Your target nevertheless surely runs a blog, or has a Twitter account. Between two notes/rants on downloading regulations, or his last discovery on 4chan, you might find some precious information on him, his tastes, or his "world", as they'd say on American Idol.

2. Talk to me nerdy

You'll score big by talking to him. Remember: what's rare is priceless. But be careful, mistakes are easy to make. The geek values intelligence, even if he doesn't have much himself. He tends to put every girl into the same category: "mammal whose main activity is manicures, shopping, food, interior design, candy-pink themes, culture, Dan Brown and Twilight." Avoid these subjects. For the subjects that matter, check out the footnote. Don't forget to be funny. Geeks have a sense of humor too.

3. Be fully aware of geek culture

As you may know, there is a geek culture. Believe it or not, these people have read a lot in their lives, which might be difficult to believe due to the time they spend on their computers. Luckily for you, this likely took place when they were teenagers and had the time to do so, and these key books are still barely out of reach. After reading the first chapter of Foundation (Asimov), The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams, thin and cheap) or Dune, you'll be able to get to the fabled "someone I can talk to" status. One sort of nail polish is enough; let me remind you that the goal here is to create the conditions for inseminating intercourse, not talk all night. An afternoon in your local library will do it. If you don't have a library nearby, tell him that your favorite books when you were 12 were part of a thrilling fantasy adventure saga in which YOU are the hero.

4. Now play

Realize that geeks are just kids in adult bodies. In my opinion, a quality geek uses a PC, but let me remind you that you are looking for motherhood here. Don't be too picky, and just be content with someone who likes his games if need be, especially if he's a bit hot. It would be a good idea to get some facts about his equipment and memorise some key names. Especially some battle games that you can play together. Picture this: "So you have a X-Box? D'you think you’ll kick my ass at Soul Calibur?" Followed by a giggle and it’s in da pocket.

5. Mind your appearance

Just a small reminder: the geek is a shy and sensitive being. On the other hand, he's got used to the idea of ending up a long-term bachelor, or with a fat and hairy girl. So, you need to be feminine, but at the same time accessible. Choose between the low-cut top and the skirt, and forget about excessive makeup. Be the girl next door; fresh and smiley. No matter what, you'll never be as hot as Seung Mina.

6. Have a chainmail

The chainmail reveals two things. First, maybe once, you were been involved in a LARP (Live Action Role Playing, a kind of fancy-dress gathering of geeks), then you're ready to fight against a zombie attack. In other words, you’re ready to rumble AND you have strong practical sense, meaning you're the perfect woman, worth propagating his genetic heritage.

7. Use Sed to get him to concede

A perfect way to communicate with a geek is via IM. I'll give you my secret weapon, which is like catnip to any geek (a real one, the kind who writes code). It's sed. One day, eventually, you'll make a typing error. Instead of rectifying immediately like normal people do, just type this:

s/[word to replace]/[replacement word]/

It doesn't seem like much - any first grader can do it - but the effect is just pure magic. In practice it looks like this:

>Tenfloril: I love pizza. What's your fav meal?

>Ursula78: I could kill for peking fuck

>Ursula78: s/fuck/duck/

>Tenfloril: BUT

>Tenfloril: BUT

>Tenfloril: BUT

>Tenfloril: Marry me.

The Digital Economy State Secretary and the Population Explosion Ministry sponsored this post. If it's a girl, you can call her Hillary.

 

Article taken from our friend Megaconnard's (Big Bastard) wonderful website!

#891 - Special guests - On 04/09/2011 at 3:25pm by Cecile Flechon, French Journalist @kamacess - 37 comments

Chinese ice cream

Wake up for today's illustration, and make sure you put a shirt on! It's evening for today's artist, and she's all dressed up, so you don't want to look like a fool in front of her. That's right, our lovely guest Emilie lives in China, and it's from this wonderful, mysterious and censored country that she's answering our questions. Yes, I have to admit that here at FML we're overly-curious about guest artist's lives, almost like an FML Big Brother. Fortunately, Emilie was kind enough to humour us, and answered e v e r y single question. All but the weird ones, anyway.

 

-What's your name and surname?
-Emilie...Record.

-How old are you?
-30

-Where do you live? What's so great and lame about this place?
-Shanghai, China. It is unrooting, it is crazy and you have to forget all your culture, none of what you've know in the West can be applied here. And it is magically scaring how fast things are changing. You can almost do everything you
want if you get to understand a little bit the big picture. The past and the future of this city are nothing palpable. But there are this big strenght and rythm you can feel inside of your bones. Well, I get angry so often here, but I have to tell I am in love with this country...

-What's hardest, to read kanjis or to eat with sticks?
-Definitely kanjis, because the60'ssociopoliticalmovementwecannotsaythename reformed them a lot. What I learnt has probably absolutely nothing to do with them. And sticks? Wicked easy, and they are a great entertainment when you get
bored in a dinner or even at home.

-Did Kung Fu Panda really existed?
-Probably yes. Historians acknowledged the presence of schools of Panda Gong Fu 2,282 years ago.

-What's your story?
-Born, France, drawing, painting, reading, watching movies, architecture school, listening to music, drawing, reading, graduated, having an itch for change, living in Vancouver, travelling, painting, reading, living in China, meeting amazing people, pina coladas, graphic designing, watching movies, travelling, painting, illustrating, seeking for kick-ass music bands, doing, thinking, writing, staying in China, eating, loving, endlessly...

-Your job (artist) is it enough to pay the bills?
-I diversify, a lot, so yep it is enough.

-What are your projects?
-Series with Babel Underground project, a mix of live music and live animation. Sculptures of my "hang me up" series of pin-ups. Wallpapers. Finishing learning tattoing. Inner Mongolia in the summer. Brasil at the end of the year. Keeping on doing a million things!

-Why did you choose this FML?
-I could have done the same thing than the guy. I basically live for food, art, sex and travels (in this order).

-Do you have your own FML story?
-This morning I walk to my car, and I pass the compound's guard, he gives me an unusual big weird smile and stares at me, walking all dolled-up, in high heels. I get close to my car and I see. For the 3rd time in the week, a giant bird pooped on my rear window.

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 

Many thanks for your illustration, Emilie! Next week we're crossing the Pacific Ocean to visit the Golden Gate, and believe me, you don't want to miss it...

 

Emilie's website: http://www.emilierecord.com/

 

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send me an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DA. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#856 - Illustrated FML - On 04/02/2011 at 10:09am by Alice - 0 comments

Every one of us has to bring his own toothbrush

Maybe only the few people who saw (and enjoyed) Hair will be impervious to today's illustration. Yes, sharing the same air, the same food and the same bed is fun when you're young but it's not what we're concerned with right now, so please focus. What's great about today's art is that it makes you go "eew" and "omfg lololol" at the same time, and it was made by Scott Wold. And it's a great combination don't you think?

 

Hi Scott, it's great to have you on FML today. First present yourself to the FML audience, wait, what am I saying, to the world!
I'm Scott Wold!

How old are you?
26

Where do you live?
Roselle, Illinois
 
What's so great (and lame) about this place?
Roselle is great because it is a quiet, safe, small little suburban town that is about 45 minutes from Chicago. So you get both the peace and quiet of the suburbs, and the excitement, culture and activity of the city. What’s lame about Roselle? The winters, Chicagoland winters are brutal, but they toughen you up.

What do you do for a living?
Illustration and a little Graphic Design

Is it enough to pay the bills?
If you have little to no bills, but I am looking to change that. I just recently decided to pursue this full force. Illustration has always been my first passion, but it’s tough to get going, but when it pays off, it will be so much more rewarding, at least that is what I am hoping.

What's your story?
I lived in Roselle my whole life, went to Northern Illinois University to get an Illustration degree, then to the Art Institute to get a Graphic Design degree. I have known that I wanted to get into this business my whole life, but I am not the stereotypical art student. I watch sports, drink beer and love progressive metal bands. However if I’m not doing one of those things, I’m probably watching cartoons, go figure.


What are your projects?
Right now I am drawing political cartoons for websites, finding freelance work wherever I can, and building my portfolio in as many different ways that I can. I’d like to continue to work on editorial illustrations, maybe see if I can get a publication, or a comic. I naturally put a lot of humor into my illustrations, so I like to think that people would like to look at them at a little deeper level than just pretty pictures.

 

What inspires you?
Finding brilliance in creativity. It can be found everywhere. The perfect sentence in a book, the way a certain scene is lit in a movie, or a site gag in a cartoon. It’s those moments where I go “That’s genius,” or think to myself “I could never come up with that.” It then inspires me to try and come up with my own.


What makes you laugh the most?
My friends. It’s great to try to one up each other with a joke, even if that means just pushing out a bigger belch than the guy next to you did.

Why did you choose this FML?
It was truly a disgusting FML moment that implanted a disturbing visual in your mind that I couldn’t pass up illustrating. 

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 

Let me reassure you, your illustration is as disturbing as we could've wished for. Thank you for your participation Scott!

 

Scott's website that you can visit if you want to take a look at some genius illustrations: http://www.swoldart.com/

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send me an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DA. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#849 - Illustrated FML - On 03/25/2011 at 11:02am by Alice - 7 comments

Doug Savage, round 2

You don't want to miss our artist of the day's interview, because he's been working with chickens for six clucking years now and that's clucking impressive (and a little obstinate too). Ladies, gentlemen, Chicken Little, I give you Doug Savage.

Hey Doug, we're glad to have you back, so, are you still into chickens?
Yes! I'm still drawing mostly chickens! But I have been branching out lately, into cows and pigs and dogs. And drunken llamas, of course.


Doesn't PETA cause you troubles, because you're always making fun of such lovely, but useless, animals?
Heheh yeah I haven't heard from them yet! But I do keep hearing from chicken farmers who say that my chickens are very much like the real thing. So maybe I'm unintentionally portraying chickens accurately. Who knew? I suppose they are inherently goofy-looking birds.

 

Is your job as an artist enough to pay the bills?
It's starting to pay a good percentage of the bills, but I still have a day job too. Working as an artist is always tough because it's so unpredictable. But I can now more easily imagine a time when this will be my full-time gig.


Wouldn't it be more cost-effective to raise real chickens and sell their eggs?
Maybe! And Vancouver recently changed the local bylaws to allow people to raise chickens in the city, so it's an option now. And I could train them to write their own jokes. Not sure if I could handle the smell though.


What are your projects?
The big thing that I've been working on these days is my book, which was just published by Perigee Books, an imprint of Penguin USA. It's called Savage Chickens: A Survival Kit for Life in the Coop, and it's a collection of work-related cartoons and activities to help you make it through the workday. It was so much fun to work on, I can't wait to do another book! Then there's the daily cartoon, of course. And I'm looking into painting and new animation projects too.

 

 

 

How doyou feel being one of the few lucky artists to get featured twice on FML?
It is a great honor! And to do it with a vomiting llama makes it even more special!


Do you think Shakespeare would have been proud of you?
I hope so! Shakespeare was amazing at being highbrow and lowbrow at the same time. He could say something insightful about the human condition in one line and then follow it up with a goofy pun in the next line, so everybody ended up enjoying his work. He's definitely a role model for me; I try to include a little something for everybody in my cartoons.

You did include a huge something for all FML readers. And I'm not being pervert, I'm talking about the laugh you gave us with your vomiting lama. What, you haven't see it yet?

 

 

CLUCK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML


You only need to visit Doug Savage's if you want to have a good laugh (and some tips on how to draw farm animals without buying the useless but modern "Art Academy" on Nintendo DS): http://www.savagechickens.com/ 

 

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send me an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DA. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#842 - Illustrated FML - On 03/19/2011 at 4:22am by Alice - 3 comments

Swallow this FML

Hello beloved readers, how was your week? Oh, for once you'd actually like to know how OUR was week? Well, it was pretty spectacular because we knew we'd be featuring Roman Muradov today. See, when in June 2010 he contacted us we immediately knew he was going to be one of those artists we'd love to promote so much that our heart goes boom just by looking at his website. Nine months later we're giving birth to his awfully awkward genius comic. Beloved readers, please enjoy Roman's interview and comic.

 



-What's your name and surname?
-Roman Muradov

-How old are you?
-25, mentally middle-aged since 4

-Where do you live?
-Currently in San Francisco, originally from Moscow, Russia.

-What do you do for a living?
-Full-time starving & whining about it. I hope that may change soon. Sigh...

-What's your story?
-I have a science degree from Moscow Oil & Gas University, at the moment I'm finishing my Master's at the Academy of Art in San Francisco.

-What are your projects?
-Mainly illustration. I try to play with different styles and themes, usually it turns out pretty dark no matter what. Lately I've been drawing with a brush most of the time. I also draw & write tragicomic comics, short stories and strips. Searching for humor to ease the horror of being alive.

-How can you be that talented?
-Oh dear, you're far too kind! I don't really know, but shoving various drugs up your behind every day is a good starting point.

 

-Can you tell us about your blog/website?
-http://www.bluebed.net is where I keep some of my illustrations, comics & stories, I try to maintain it as simple & minimalistic as possible. I have a tumblr here where I post almost everything from sketches to rants and occasional picture of myself looking decadent & dreamy: http://bluebed.tumblr.com/ and I contribute to Honk Fu blog along with five illustrators & friends: http://blog.honkfu.com

-What inspires you?
-My favorite writers at the moment are Stephen Fry, Raymond Queneau, Vladimir Nabokov, Alfred Jarry, Mihail Bulgakov, Boris Vian, Henry Fielding, Kingsley Amis, I'm mostly influenced by their novels and stories I think. In art/comics I was at different times inspired by Jamie Hewlett, Nicolas Nemiri, Nicolas De Crecy, Koji Morimoto, Jason, Daniel Clowes, Jiro Matsumoto and many many others. I'm not too keen on movies, it's awfully hard for me to sit through a full movie, though I love all Kubrick & Jeunet films to death. Music is a huge inspiration too, Magnetic Fields, The Fall, Tenniscoats, etc.

-What makes you laugh the most?
-I adore absurd comedy, Monty Python, everything by Chris Morris, particularly Blue Jam & Brass Eye, more mainstream shows like Alan Partridge and Black Books, comedy is definitely my favorite thing in the world. Books & plays by Ionesco, Ames, Waugh, Wodehouse & Wilde of course.

 

-Why did you choose this FML?
-It seems utterly sick & revolting and my original idea for it was far too gruesome to describe. Also, I'm a typical only child, so I have my memories of my parents' sibling disposal, but I'd rather not elaborate.

-Do you have your own FML anecdote that you can share us?
-Oh, my entire life is one endless FML, no wonder I'm depressed all the time. I have far too many, I try to keep track of my more monumental failures and draw them every now and then, but they just keep piling up. I'm pretty much a Failure Artist, my misfortunes have a pathetic, almost poetic quality.
I guess one of the most disastrous FML happened not so long ago, I was walking with a friends down the street and enthusiastically discussing how much I hate my roommate when after 2-3 minutes I discovered that he was walking right in front of me all the while. Needless to say, the was some considerable tension afterwards and eventually I had to move out. My next roommates hated me as well by the way. It's not funny in any way, but my mouth caused me quite a bit of trouble that time... And many other times.

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 

Thank you so much for your disturbing illustration Roman! 


Roman's website: http://www.bluebed.net

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DA. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with Alice (no, I'm not your aunt) who will tell you what you have to do!

#835 - Illustrated FML - On 03/12/2011 at 10:40am by FML Team - 4 comments


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