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Illustrated FML (339) - About FMyLife (99) - Videos (34) - Ramblings (18) - Pictures (13) - Books (9) - Special guests (8) - Competitions (6)

FML is 5

A few years ago, an idea sparked in a young man’s mind...

His heart was pure, his hair was proud and made of 100% alpaca. His name was Maxime (AKA Kittenheart). He brought FML to the world. It spread like a rash at a swingers party. But that was then; this is now. Now is the time to rejoice. It’s been 5 years. Five glorious years of FMLs, mishaps, mistakes, laughs, guffaws and blood-curdling cringing. In his song of the same name, David Bowie sings of "telephones, opera house, favourite melodies. I saw boys, toys, electric irons and TVs." which pretty much sums up a large part of FML’s content. We’ve had so much fun supplying you with these stories that we’ve barely felt these 5 wonderful years fly by. So today, as we’re so happy to be living in an age of lists and robots, we’re going to treat you to some bits and bobs from us here at FML, things you might not know, things you haven’t seen, and things you might want to forget...


The 5 longest-serving FML mods, when they were 5

The FML mod team has had quite a few members, but the longest serving have been around since the beginning. They were all 5 once, so here are their mugshots, as well as their own personal FML from that year.


The 5 record-breaking FMLs

The most agreed-upon one

Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later I got a text saying, "I just dropped the b*tch off I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I asked him about it. He said, "I don't know what you're talking about, Megan". My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML
by thatsucks

The most deserved one

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML
by I_Am_The_Edge

The most commented on one

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
by RC3Welly

The most shared one

Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML
by offbeans

The most concise one

Today, I shat a magnet. FML
by mimi


The 5 secret facts about FML you shouldn’t know about

- At one time or another, the mods on FML have all been under the influence of booze, drink, or, to put it another way, have drunk drinks to a drunken state and picked stories and published them. It’s not big and it’s not clever, but it happens. Do you understand now why some stories make it onto the website?
- As the website is taken care of 24/7, it also happens that mods will access FML using whatever means they can get their mittens on. And in whatever place they happen to be in. On a bus, at a My Bloody Valentine gig, during dinner at a restaurant, and sometimes while sat on the toilet. Which may explain why FML is littered with references to “dumps” and “being dumped”.
- For every regular, polite message we get sent to our support e-mail address, we also get one which contains a barrage of insults. (Percentages of which are : assholes: 10%, fuck you: 50%, blow me: 10%, get a real job: 30%.)
- The mods don’t always agree on which stories should be published. There are often more insults traded between them than there are in the support inbox.
- Members of the FML team have tried time and time again to submit their own FMLs (crapola happens to us too), but have never received enough votes to justify them being published. So, to date, none have been published. 


The 5 reasons why you've been banned


Well, let’s take a look. It appears that the story starts with “Today”, ends with “FML”, and has been posted on a website called, after having been selected by readers and moderators of said website. How can it not be an FML? That’s the textbook definition of an FML. Don’t get us wrong, but do you question everything? Do you walk up to other people at their place of employment and question their professional judgment?
“Excuse me doc, but how is this the flu? My nose is blocked, my head hurts, I have a fever and I’m coughing. Surely it’s gout!”
“Excuse me cat, but in what way is this a hug request? You’re not doing it properly! I make the rules!”


It’s so obvious that you don’t even care about giving rational, thought-out arguments. Unless you have solid proof that a story is a fake, your opinion is just that: an opinion. And opinions are not facts. Onions are facts. Talk to us about onions, and then we’ll listen.

“OP is a **** ******! F*** you and your f****** mother, you ***** of s***!”

Do we really need to explain this one?

“But what about my freedom of speech?”

If you’ll excuse the use of a tired may-may: "Boy, that escalated quickly." Please don't repost or argue about a comment that has been moderated; it's like coming to a knife fight with a banana. Freedom of speech doesn’t apply to a website that doesn’t belong to you. Can we come over to your house and write stuff on your walls? Thought not.


Dammit, who let that “person” back in again?

The 5 FML members' duckfaces that made us giggle the most this week

Remember: these simply made us quack up, and we don't wish anyone to feel offended. So try to go easy with the comments, guys.

And now, on to the birthday party. Time to break out the non-alcoholic beer, get some streamers and confetti, put on some music, and start awkwardly dancing. Yeah, it’s party central at FML headquarters; we know how to get down and boogie. Anyway, it’s been a wonderful 5 years with all of you. We hope you’ve enjoyed them as much as we have, and that we’ll carry on in much the same fashion for another 5 (at least!).

Until the next instalment in our adventures together, be excellent to each other!

#1429 - About FMyLife - On 01/23/2014 at 9:19am by The FML Team - 231 comments

Jeff Mumm's illustrated FML

Hello everybody! First let me wish you a verry merry happy New Year - last time I saw you, we were in 2013, remember? Did you gain weight? Never mind. Let me introduce you to our artist of the day: behind the guinea pigs and giggle, you'll see how inspiring he is. Yes, I mentioned guinea pigs. Come on, what's not to like about them? And thanks to Jeff Mumm, they're not only adorable, they're incredibly funny at the same time. Let's not waste a minute more and get this interview started shall we?

-What are your name, surname, and nickname?
-My name is Jeff Mumm. My old screen name I used to use was “Wald Flieger.” I don't use it anymore except on Newgrounds, just because I don't want to change the account there. I actually stumbled upon the name randomly, when I was trying to name a character I was creating. I got “Wald” from “Oswald” and “Flieger” just popped into my head. Later on I realized that the name means “Forest Flier” in German. Since I was taking high school German at the time, I must have subconsciously taken two German words that I didn't consciously remember. That's probably why it sounded “right” to me.

-How old are you? 
-I'm 28.

-Where do you live? 
-Southern California.

-What's your journey? 
-I started drawing comics about my pet guinea pig Joe in the 4th grade, and started my website in the 7th grade. I drew and published Joe comics online until my senior year in high school. After that, I started experimenting with various comic series while I studied graphic design for a couple years in college. I didn't really like graphic design, and comics was what I had always really wanted to do, so I went to the Center for Cartoon Studies, a small school in Vermont for comics. Even though I'd always put comics at the center of my life up until then, going there really forced me to step up my game. I learned not to be so easily satisfied with my own work and to push myself to create more content than I had previously even considered possible. After I left CCS, I worked a full time data entry job for a couple years, trying to make a go of my graphic novel comedy project I had developed there about guinea pigs from space and 19th century Russians. The amount of work I demanded from myself was killing me, and I only got about four hours of sleep per night. Eventually I got burned out and realized I needed some more options. So I went to the Academy of Art in San Francisco to study traditional animation, which had always been a dream of mine. I went there for a few years and learned way more about my craft than I had ever even imagined possible. That really opened my eyes to just how much you can learn and grow as an artist. A year before I finally got my diploma (after about a total of seven years in school), the loan company I was using stopped supporting AAU and I wasn't able to secure another loan. So I went back to live with my family and started working on a massive Kickstarter project based on my webcomic that I hoped could at least finance a year of my life while I got my series off the ground. The project was a very involved platformer/adventure video game that I worked about sixty to eighty hours a week on for six months. I launched the Kickstarter and barely made 20% of my relatively modest target (in comparison to similar projects). That was easily the biggest wake-up call I've ever had in my life. It made me learn two extremely important lessons that I was too stubborn to accept up until that point. 1) Just because you spend massive amounts of time on something and invest yourself completely in it, doesn't mean anyone will care about it. 2) After over a decade of publishing comics online, I still had a LOT to learn. The aftermath of that was a pretty dark period in my life. It made me question everything I was doing and everything I thought I could do. But it turned out to be the most important thing that could have happened to me. It made me humble. It made me ready to push myself even further and grow more than I ever had before. It made me realize that no matter how far you come, there's always so much more to learn. Looking back, I'm actually incredibly grateful for that experience. I feel like before that happened, I was asleep, and I'm now finally awake.


-So basically you're trully an inspiration but what are yours?
-Brian Tracy has become a huge inspiration for me. His approach to personal growth and goal setting is amazing, and has really been what's helped me turn a dark time in my life into something extremely positive. Cartoon-wise, I've always been inspired by Calvin and Hobbes, the Tick, Sam and Max, Dexter's Lab, Spongebob. Animation-wise, old-school 2D Disney animation has become incredibly inspirational.

-You created your own but do you read webcomics? 
-I actually don't really read webcomics anymore. I used to love reading them, though. I think at this point I sort of don't want to think about webcomics on my time off. But my favorites used to be Dinosaur Comics, Chainsawsuit, Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, the Perry Bible Fellowship, Sam and Fuzzy.

-Now, tell us more about thos guinea pigs of yours.
-After doing my graphic novel series fTGP, I had been fooling around with a copy-paste comic using my old pet guinea pig Joe as the main character. It was really just a joke comic meant to be stupid and became a way for me to create comics without being stressed out. After a while, it became clear to me that there was something really raw and genuine about my sense of humor in that format that I had never been able to achieve before, so I kept developing the series. It's become my main focus. I've recently started making the comic art more involved than it used to be, and I'm making an animated web series based on it. I'm trying to make the animation as high quality as I possibly can. I'm basically just trying to create an awesome series now.

-How do you work?
-I try my best to stick to a daily eight hour schedule I've set for myself. I prioritize my work and make extensive use of lists to organize all the steps for the various projects I'm working on so I can clear my head and focus on one thing at a time. I make my comics and animations in Adobe Flash with a Wacom Intuos4 tablet.

-And last but not least Jeff, why did you choose this FML story?
-This seemed like the most fun one I could draw. It also immediately clicked with me as something my character Joe would do.


-Thanks for taking part Jeff!




Jeff Mumm's website



If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#1428 - Illustrated FML - On 01/17/2014 at 2:10am by Alice - 9 comments

Enutil's illustrated FML

Hello, you groovy playas and leaf-blowing haters, it’s illustration time! Yeah, girl you know it’s true. Anyway, before we get totally side-tracked by 80s pop music, let’s get down to business and present our artist of the day. He’s a guy who lives in France and goes by the AKA Enutil, which sort of means “Useless”, almost. Oh yes, because this week we’re crossing over again with the dudes from VDM, our French sister website, forgot to mention it.

He doesn’t work as an illustrator but is so pretty damn good at it that he should be. In fact, he says he wishes he had more time to draw.

His current projects include maybe finishing off something he’d started working on with a friend called “2 Spacymen” but for now he’s mainly focusing on his blog, on which he’s launched two series: Jean-Paul Parfait (John-Paul Perfect), “the story of a man who wants to do things right, but that always end up badly ; the other being the Al Killer series, “the story of an asshole killer. The problem with this one is that I know where I want to go with it, but I don’t how to go about it.”

So, what else can we say about Enutil? He’s more into cats than dogs, even though he finds them a bit snooty: “they’re arrogant, selfish assholes, but when they mess things up we forgive them because they’re so cuuuuute.” He doesn’t check out many blogs, because, “I like stories that are built from A to Z. Blogs don’t allow that, they’re things in which people shove everything randomly. I like to appreciate an author through his work, not a work through an author.” Well put.

His main passion in life is movies, and when he’s not drawing, he spends time with friends and family. Or making up puns, much to everyone’s annoyance!

His final statement to us was this. We asked him to ask himself a question that he would’ve been liked to have been asked, and then answer it himself. He went for this:

Q: These days, do you think that if the character in your drawing for FML had been a woman or black, some people would’ve called you sexist or racist?

A: No. People aren’t that stupid!



To see Enutil's illustrated FML, click here!


So there you have it. Another week, another illustration. Keep ‘em coming folks, we love ‘em all. It’s always interesting to see creative minds take over the stories we publish to see what they come up with. The more distorted and funny, the better. Anyway, time to sign off for now. We’ll leave you with a few videos, arbitrarily chosen by the person writing this article who has decided that 1- it’s Joy Division day, so here’s a fantastic live version of ‘Disorder’, and 2- Doug Stanhope is a fine American. 

Take care and be excellent to each other.


If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!


#1427 - Illustrated FML - On 01/13/2014 at 4:59am by FML - 11 comments

Did you enjoy 2013? No? Here goes 2014 anyway.


      So, 2014 is now with us… We'll dispense with the shockingly insincere New Year's wishes that are flying about right now, and get straight to it. To help you get through this trying time and the post-NYE party blues, here's a bunch of words. Bear with me. This article is actually a bit of a belated Christmas gift to you, with a bit of a feel-good element thrown in. Or should that be "a shocking indictment of the state of minds around the world, with some cynical clap-trap attached"? You know what FML is like, right? Anyway, we recently posted a selection of FMLs that we could never have been published on the website for being too weird. As a special gift, to welcome in the New Year, and before this sort of column eventually becomes a regular feature, here are some more!


"Today, I realized my stomach is so big I can clean my belly button with my tongue. It tasted bad. FML"

"Today, I stared at my turd long enough to realise it looked like a penguin. FML"

"today, i learnt the alphabet………………………….im 79 abcdfegihkjlmnopqrstuvwxynz FML"

(The FML garden, after the office NYE party)


      I’ve always been fond of the holiday season. The tinsel. The lights. Ringing in the New Year with friends. The message of hope and booze. The songs. The Phil Spector Christmas Album. The lights. The New Year's eve parties. The way Noddy Holder goes, “It’s Chriiiiistmaaaaas” during Slade’s Merry Xmas Everybody. The Tinsel. Mince Pies. Kissing someone at midnight. Flashing lights. But everyone is dreaming of a White Christmas. Maybe not this sort though:

"I thought i was skiing when i woke up irelize iwas jerking my boyfriend an his friend off in my sleep long story short i ended up iwas covered in white stuff thati thought was snow fml"

      The holidays are usually spent with your family, just after having a near nervous breakdown trying to work out what to buy them. Presents are the worst. Buying a present for someone without any specific guidelines is hard work, especially when the person you are buying for couldn’t care less, and can’t be bothered to put in the effort in return.

"My brother woke me up this morning and told me he was married to an asian foot doctor. Apparently they met while playing chess online. He has know idea how to tell mum and dad FML"

"I Saw My Mom’s Dick 2Day FML!!!"

"today my lil cousin ask me if my fish was thristy … and cried to my mom dat i wouldnt let her give he fish juice . and my mom yelled at me ."


What to do when the holidays with your family get boring:

You could always spice up your "special family time" with some fancy new activities for all ages to take part in. Here are a few I suggest:

-Organize a Fight Club in your garage. Easy to put together and the 8-year-old nieces and nephews are easy to deck to score points if you’re a grown adult.

-Naked Twister. Always a big hit with the old folks (no new-fangled computers to confuse them).

-Why don’t you all fuck off home: Stand in the middle of your living and scream, “Why don’t you all fuck off home?” until everyone leaves.

-Sit in silence and plan a mass murder. Or maybe not, eh? Just chill out.

We should include a "Happy New Year" card now. However, the arts department are all comatose under a table, and I'm all alone and am rubbish at Photoshop, so instead of a 2014 card, here's one from 1914:


(This card is 86% more cheerful than anything else produced today)


     I do hope your family is none of this lot:

"i managed to decapitate an ant by farting"

"today my friend was making out with his laptop charger, and i used his physics question answers =D….fml"

"Today, while peeing, I noticed my pee smelt like mashed potatoes. I decided to drink it to see if it tasted like mashed potatoes. It didn’t. FML"


(Here's a picture of a happy Ricky Martin, for no particular reason)


      Maybe I shouldn’t be so cynical. Maybe, as the philosopher Sophie-Marie Larrouy once said, we should slow our cynicism down. Remember, people are all someone’s children, parents, brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts. Yes, they may be simple folk who think wrestling is real, or can be nasty people who shoot woodland creatures in the face with rocket launchers, but they’re family. Your family. So maybe take the opportunity to get to know them better, engage with them. Have a chat; maybe you’ll learn something. But if they still act like tools towards you despite your best efforts, take a dump in their punchbowl and never speak to them again. Merry New Year everybody!

#1424 - Ramblings - On 01/01/2014 at 7:22am by Alan - 43 comments

Ségolène's illustrated FML

Hello everybody! We truly hope you had great holidays. For the next two weeks we're welcoming a French artist who brings us up to 2014 with a special New Year's Eve illustration. Also, I'm very proud to introduce her to you, as I've actually known her for twenty years now. Ladies, gentlemen, Santa Claus, please, welcome...



-Hello everybody, my name is Ségolène Derudder!


-So weird to do this interview with you. Anyway, how old are you dear Ségolène?
-I’m twenty three.


-Where do you live?
-I'm moving in a few weeks into a huge and bright loft with 3 flatmates in Paris, France.



-What's your job?
I graduated last summer from ESAG Penninghen, and I'm working as a freelancer while looking for a job in an agency. I design graphic charters for logos, business cards, greeting cards, web sites, mobile applications... I try to use my passion for illustrations in my work. I have illustrated a children book, which soon is going to be sold (already on I’ll be exposing in January the originals of my graduation project in a gallery.


-What's your daily routine?
-I wake up late, I put some music (it is indispensable), I look on the internet the new job offers and I call my clients. Then I work on my desk or on my bed... And then I go out to celebrate this.


-This I can confirm. What are your inspirations?
-I love Mac bess and Fabien Merelle. I often go to the Sergeant Paper art store to discover new illustrators/artists. That’s what I like about it, they expose illustrators as artists and sell their illustrations in frames. 



-Tell us more about your website
-I just put some personal works and school experiences. You can also go to my behance network. You’ll see new professional projects.


-How do you work?
-I work with a rotring pen which is really thin and deep black. I use my scanner, my computer software and my pen tablet to finalize. 


-And last but not least, why did you choose this FML story?
-A friend of mine lived the same story. Her brother set fire to her room lighting some fireworks. And of course because New Year's Eve is in a few days!


-Thank you very much Ségolène for taking part!





Ségolène's website



If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#1426 - Illustrated FML - On 12/28/2013 at 6:09am by Alice - 10 comments