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Landvaettr's Illustrated FML

Here we go again! Yes, it's illustrated FML time again. This time, we're travelling to Paris, France, home of le croissant, le Citroën car and le rude waiters who tell you, "Oh you silly man, you can't have red wine with fish, nom de Dieu, were you born in a barn?" Here we go for a trip round the mind of a man with a strange nickname, here we go for a chat with...


"Why do ducks have webbed feet? To put out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To put out ducks on fire.

Self-portrait Landvaetrr by Landvaetrr

This week, it's Landvaettr's turn. I don't know why he's called that, it's not his real name. I'm not at liberty to divulge his real name, probably because he's a teacher and doesn't want his students to know his real identity. He's 26 years old and as I said, he lives in Paris. As all good illustrators, he has a wonderful blog for you to check out. He's made an illustrated FML for us, and it's quite fantastic. He's also answered some of my stupid questions in a patient and polite manner.

So, who is this guy, and what does he want? "I'm a high school teacher, I teach plastic arts. As for my spare time, I'm usually at home drawing, trying to finish my projects, trying to have some sort of a social life, or wasting my time playing video games." Hmmm, sounds like the members of the FML team. Except for me. I have an amazing social life, I hang out with the rich and famous, I jet-set around the world... OK, no one will believe that. Landvaettr claims that he loves the money that his job earns. Well, we all do. Who doesn't? It allows us to buy wooly hats and electric blankets. "I don't have much expenses, so I'm really raking it in!" he says. He also says what a lot of illustrators seem to say in that he lacks time to get things done. Drawing seems to take up a lot of their time, which is weird because the cat I drew last week only took me a few minutes.
Speaking of projects, he's got a small "minimalist" comic on the go called "Small Stories of Asgard", which you can check out on his blog. He's also working on a retro platform game for the Gameboy, as well as a table-top role playing game. He says he also wants to go into medieval reconstitutions, since now he's got the cash required to buy the equipment. Lucky guy.

He admires Ripley, the character played by Sigourney Weaver in the Alien movies, but he says, "the only thing I'll never understand about her is why she goes back to save a cat, risking her life in the first movie." I have two cats, and I'd probably do the same. Well, maybe not the cat that screeches in the middle of the night for absolutely no reason, because she's losing her marbles a bit. Cat Alzheimer's: it's a real thing.

For work, he's usually in front of his computer, even if he's using a traditional pencil and paper. He started drawing as a kid, and even though he's aware of the cliché, states that he "never stopped" as an adult. He's inspired by a bit of everything, comics, illustrations, music, "the girl next door's butt, etc." He name-checks authors and film makers such as Tolkien, J. Howe, Allan Lee, J.B. Monge, Miyazaki, Zemeckis, Besson, Gotlib, Moebius... The list goes on.

He enjoys Jaffa cakes, because he thinks they are posh. He really liked Breaking Bad and the last Daft Punk album. He's really passionate about scandinavian stuff. Mythology, mainly. He mentions a book called "Yggdrasill, the religion of the ancient scandinavians" by Régis Boyer", and I don't think it's a joke. He likes video games such as Chivalry by Torn Banner Studios. So what about artists and illustrators? He mentions the french artists Boulet, Tarmasz, Yohan Sacré and A.F.P. He also mentions that his main fear is the fear of dying. "That would piss me off". Well, that's normal... Isn't it?

It's on that particularly joyful note that the interview trails off into the distance. To take us back into the light, here's a song that always puts a spring into anyone's step (unless you're clinically dead inside). And why not have a .gif of a laughing duck? Until next week, remember, life is what you make it. Be excellent to each other, and get a cat if you're lonely, they're bundles of fun.



What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to [email protected] but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1440 - Illustrated FML - On 03/18/2014 at 11:08am by Alan - 6 comments

Kiyan's Illustrated FML

As Rebecca Black once said, "Quick, hide the gear, my Dad might see you." Oh, right, no, she sang, "Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards," or something. That's more or less where we are now, which means it's illustration time here on FML. In keeping in with that jolly, boisterous and boosted spirit, we're once again going over to Belgium, home of many comic book heroes such as the Smurfs, Tintin and Johnny Hallyday. This week, we're getting to know a young man from Brussels... Here we go.


"I'm against the tyranny of cute kittens, even if no one can resist them (and I'm allergic, yuck)."

Selfportrait Kiyan by Kiyan


This week, it's Kiyan's turn to delve into FML's collection of stories to come up with an illustration for us. And what an illustration it is! You can check it out right here. So, who is this guy? As I said, he lives in Brussels, which if I remember correctly is in Belgium. Yes, yes it is. He's 30, and like all good illustrators he has a blog. What does he do for a living then? "I'm an animator in an animation studio. I work on animated TV series. I'm more at ease on 3D animation, but I sometimes work on 2D animation, which I'm doing at the moment. I also draw my little stories on my blog, on webzines and fanzines, and other comic book platforms." When I was a kid, I used to watch a lot of cartoons, especially the Hanna Barbera ones, so this sort of work I can almost understand (as I've said before, I'm terrible at drawing, for proof, go here), and the crazy world of Hong Kong Phooey influenced me a lot when I was growing up, which probably explains a lot about why am I the way I am. But I'd never imagined going into this line of work, but Kiyan did: "Animation is a dream I had as a kid, comic books too. I do the first one professionally, the other as an amateur, but I hope to one day step it up a notch and become a professional comic book creator. In any case, I'm completely happy in what I do, generally. Not a lot of people can say that they have the job of their dreams. If I'd been told as a kid that I'd be creating cartoons when I was older, I wouldn't have believed it!" What Kiyan is telling us is a lot different to what I've been hearing the last few weeks from other illustrators, who seem to have a hard time making ends meet. A refreshing change.

On the other hand, he says he lacks time and a social life. I'd say be careful, it starts out like that, then you end up being 42 years old, with two cats who you talk to about socks and floor polish. It seems that Kiyan is quite busy, so has he got time for other projects? Personally, when I'm very busy, my only projects involve cracking open a bottle of Jack Daniel's (yes, I'm giving free advertising in the hope that I'll be sent a truckload of the stuff as a thank-you) and dancing to New Order records. Sorry, I went off on a tangent about myself again, we're here to talk about Kiyan: "I've got loads of comic book projects in my head, I develop them bit-by-bit, but it takes time. At the moment, every month I post a new story on the website. In the coming weeks I'll be taking over the new versions of the Bohorg webzine and RAV magazine, and also a story to be released with a collective with other authors sometime in the year. I'll keep you posted!"

So, what are his likes and dislikes? We share a perfectly rational hatred and fear of wasps and bees. I mean really, wasps, what do they want? Can't they just piss off, once and for all? "I have a panic-y fear of bees and wasps. I can become insane if there are any too close to me." What he likes: "I must admit that I play a lot of video games (I'm a PC gamer, I don't own any consoles. There. I said it)." I'm not really sure what the difference is, I don't play video games, they annoy the crap out of me, I get all riled up and throw the controller at the TV and throw a hissy fit. As for the artists he likes, he mentions Timtimsia, Tony Sandoval and "Punk Rock Jesus" by Sean Murphy. Musically he told us about Billions of Comrades and Carpenter Brut. Oh and he seems to be addicted to chocolate, in a bad way.


That'll do for now. Don't forget to check out the illustrated FML that Kiyan did for us, if you haven't seen it already. I'm going to go back to my hovel and take some cold medication and chill out while listening to some Slowdive who recently reformed for a bunch of concerts. Next week we'll be back with another installment in our series of illustrated FMLs, this time, the cats who paint will be joining us with their take on the story about the man who got his penis stuck in a toaster. Or not. Until then, be excellent to each other.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to [email protected] but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1439 - Illustrated FML - On 03/14/2014 at 12:02pm by Alan - 6 comments

Grib's Illustrated FML

It's the end of the week, which of course means it's time for another illustrated FML (and just about time for some beer of course). This week we're travelling to Switzerland to talk to Thomas, AKA Grib.


"The best thing is when you've got a huge pack of nice candy while you're watching a great cartoon."

Grib's selfportrait by Thomas

Why Grib? It comes from the French slang for doodling ("gribouillage"). I don't know a lot about art (but I'm going to talk about it anyway) and some of it looks like doodles to me (and some of it doesn't even make it past the doodle stage, yes Jackson Pollock, I'm looking at your stuff), but then again, as I said, I'm not really an art collector. I'm just trying to understand how an idea becomes a piece of art. And I doubt an FML could really become a piece of abstract expressionist art. Or could it? Maybe someone will prove me wrong one day.

Thomas/Grib has created a fine illustrated FML for us, and it's also once again a crossover with our sister website in France. He's also answered a few questions, so we can get to know the person behind the art.

As I said, he's from Switzerland, and most of the time he's an independant illustrator. He also gives drawing classes for adults and children, but as in Matteo's case last week, Thomas seems to also struggle to earn a living from his passion for drawing. He's also taken a second job on as a messenger to be able to get by, "because despite the hours I put in drawing, it earns a lot less money than a steady job!"

You can check out his blog to see what his work is like, and to see where he's going to, work-wise. Speaking of which, where does he come from? The most surprising thing is that he was once almost a car mechanic, something his parents pushed him into so that he would have something to fall back onto if the whole drawing thing didn't pan out. Parents, eh, always the pragmatists. Mine still wonder when I'm going to get a real job... After studying in a Swiss art school, he reckons he's now "trying to survive in the domain". And what about cars? "I never touched a car again!" That's a shame, I know a lot of old wreck owners that would've been interested.

He says that he would quite like a "nice Cintiq". I went on to Google and found out that this is some sort of electronic drawing pad that a lot of illustrators use. His blog and the examples I've used in this article make me think that he doesn't really need it. But then again, maybe if we organized some sort of charity event... I can't chip in, I have no money and I have cats to feed and I want to spend the summer in a caravan by the beach. Sorry Thomas. Speaking of cats, he also has time for them: "You can play with them, cuddle them or mess with them when you want. If you don't have time to take care of them, they can take care of themselves." A bit like babies in that respect. What? Yes, I know, I should never have children.

And what about the blogs, music, movies, books and other stuff he likes? "I like Boulet and Cyril Pedrosa. I prefer to see the Art Books of movies and cartoons, to see the research behind them, etc. The last film that stood out and that I'd go see again is "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty". Great music, great images..." As for books, he's into Science Fiction, so not much in common with myself. He doesn't read many comic books either. What sort of cartoonist are you, Thomas?! "I'm very whimsical in my choices, and quite old-school." Oh, that's OK then, so am I!

So, what does a Swiss illustrator do to entertain himself? "Most of my spare time is spent going to the movies, drawing some more, playing video games, some sport (a little bit) and having drinks with friends. Nothing much different than everybody else! The best thing is when you've got a huge pack of nice candy while you're watching a great cartoon." I can understand that, if you replace "candy" with "bourbon" and "cartoon" by "depressing indie movie". And loads of cream and onion Pringles (yes, I'm hoping that by mentioning them, a truck-load will be sent to FML).

Anyway, don't forget to check out the FML Thomas has illustrated for us! As for now we'll leave you on that note, with the image of a weekend whiled away on candy and cartoons (and bourbon), and maybe next week we'll finally get round to the cats that paint. But probably not. We'd like to thank Thomas/Grib for his patience and for taking the time to create the illustration and answer all my questions. If you want to find out more about his work, please check out his blog, it's pretty neat (and he's a very nice person too).

Until next week, do be excellent to each other, remember to brush your teeth, floss if you can and may the strengh of a thousand Lemmys be with you. I'll be back with some more illustrated FMLs as soon as I can find my trousers.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to [email protected] but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away. 

#1438 - Illustrated FML - On 03/07/2014 at 8:21am by Alan - 4 comments

Matteor's Illustrated FML


"It was like I was eating butter, but on a beach, and that I'd let the lump of butter drop into the sea and..."

Matteor by Matteo



Hello everyone. I know, the illustrations section looks different. We though it might be time for a change. The illustrators will still be new people from France, the USA, from anywhere we can get our hands on, but we've decided to change things around a bit. The sentence at the top is just an out of context sentence, taken from the artist's interview. So don't worry, no, we haven't had a breakdown and started writing random sentences chosen from a book on a shelf. The picture on the right is this week's artist. It's obviously a self-portrait. Well, if that's how he imagines himself, well, does he have issues. No, he doesn't actually, he's rather nice!

So, who is this guy, and what does he want? His name is Matteo, and goes by the special AKA of Matteor. Which means he took his first name and added an R at the end. Clever. He lives in France, near Paris. Oh, I didn't mention this, but this is a crossover with VDM, our French website. This will be happening a lot. He told me all about his life, and he created an illustrated FML for us. He also has a pretty nice blog, full of all sorts of cool stuff, like the picture to the right there (so go and check it out in context, but be warned, it's all in French!). 

He's known since he was 5 years old that he wanted to work in drawing and illustration. Blimey. When I was 5, I just wanted to be Batman or stick pencils up my nose. He currently has an IT diploma, "so I could pursue my studies in something I really like, drawing." He currently has a job which allows him to feed his real passion which is drawing, cartooning and illustration. Of course, his job is illustration. He creates flyers, book covers, logos... but he has his own pursuits

So, where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from cotton-eye Joe? Sorry about that. Where was I? Oh yes. He went to art school called Arc-en-Ciel, which means rainbow in French, for 3 years. It specializes in comics and illustration. "I came out of it with better skills and with greater creativity." Since then he's gone from job to job, illustrating along the way.

So, what does he like? "What I like is the creative process, whether in comics or graphic design. Starting with sketches, looking for ideas, to the finished product. Knowing that I'm satisfied with what I've done after weeks, or months of hard work."

In the same way it works for FML, the internet is his perfect source of direct feedback for his work : "I like to share what I create, on social networking sites as well as with people in the flesh, and see their reactions, and hear their criticisms. Well, we certainly wouldn't want to meet the public, we'd be split into pieces by a baying mob. Slung up! But we applaud his courage. 

And what about his work and personal projets? Matteo tells us that he's an illustrator by trade, so he creates logos and book covers as we said before, but he's also working on a comic book project that he's likely to get published. In that case, if there are any publishers out there who are reading this (hey, if I can lend a hand...). "Its content is based on small strips. The shorter the better." And what about his influences, his passions, his life. He says he really liked the last Daft Punk album, but we won't hold that against him. He enjoys a wide variety of French artists such as Gotlib, Maester, Coyote and Edika. He likes "Macadam Valley" by Ben Dessy. OK, fair enough, but what about his life, what is his thing? "Working on my comic book pages for hours while watching my favorite TV shows in a row, drinking a cold Coca Cola, while a lady gives me a thai massage." Sounds like our usual Saturday afternoon. He also likes to play video games, "even if I rarely play new ones, I prefer retro games. Because things were better before." That doesn't stop him from buying all the latest games consoles, "because I have to have them all." 

That's FML's approach to illustrators. We have to have them all. Even cats that paint we want them all. Having to interview them might be tricky, though. Anyway, we would like to thank Matteor and his wonderful illustrated FML, we really liked it. We hope that you did too. We'll see you all next week for another illustration which probably won't be created by a painting cat, but it'll still be cool anyway. We hope. Until then, be excellent to each other.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to [email protected] but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1437 - Illustrated FML - On 03/01/2014 at 12:17am by Alan - 14 comments

The Best of the Worst #3

Here we go again, time to delve back into the darkest recesses of the FML mailbag. Well, obviously it's not a real mailbag, don't be so literal, you out there. So, to recap: we receive thousands of FMLs every day, and a lot of them are quite odd. This is the third installment in our best of the worst submissions. We call it...

As we’ve already said at the time, looking for FMLs to put on the website is damn hard work. Harder than digging some roadworks. OK, maybe not. We're sat in comfy chairs, eating sandwiches and listening to terrible music. But sometimes our brains are blown right open (again, not literally, that would be awful) due to having set eyes on an FML that seems to have been written by someone having a huge mental breakdown. I could try saying "no offense to anyone having a huge mental breakdown right now", but people who start sentences with "no offense" usually are being offensive. Anyway, here's another selection of weird FMLs. Without further ado, here we go!


What she said

Today, my sister kept trying to convince me that the sun is a star. She is 18. FML


Heaven knows I'm miserable now

today my friend michael e went into my bathroom to take a shit. after about 4 hours in there he came out and told me he ripped his anus while taking his shit. he also said when he flushed my toilet exploded. my precious toilet!!!.FML


These things take time

Today, I realised that I don’t actually understand Pirates of the Caribbean. I’m 18. FML


Accept yourself

Yesterday me and my friend went to go see some EMO KIDS! With the dark hair and makeup like scary!!!! But anyway as we went there the two emo boys snuk up behind us and sprayed us with a water gun!!! But there wasnt water in there! We asked what is in it!! They said JIZZZ AKA LOOOOVVVEEE juice!FML


Unhappy birthday

Today, I was planning on getting new golf clubs and my dad really doesn’t care and thinks that people can decide for me what I NEED> Well hello, people really can determine what MY swing and MY feel is for the golf ball… Thanks alot dad for making me cry on my Birthday and making jokes about it


What difference does it make?

I barely had left my driveway on my bike when my stupid bike’s chain fell off and I fell of my bike! I was feeling real cool before cause I was wearing my 80s style shades and beanie; so I had to play it cool.


Handsome devil

Today tons of posters with fidel castro on them were distributed around the school. I was then told by 7 different people I look like him. I’m a girl!:( fml


Is it really so strange?

i am muslim, i can’t eat pork, and my parents are super-strict. they found a pepperoni pizza receipt in my jeans, cut off my penis, made it into little slices, put it on a slice of pizza, and asked me if i still liked pepperoni. i never ate pepperoni, the receipt was my friend’s. fml


Nowhere fast

Today, I was standing with two of my friends outside waiting for the bus. It was windy. FML


How soon is now?

My fucking parents { that don’t let me cuss } said that i have to wait another hour to eat! and i NEVER get to eat breakfast in the morning! and my class we don’t eat with people y age, no we have to eat with older students and i have not eaten anything in like 6 hours and 30minuites! FML!


That's your lot. We hope you enjoyed that. We did. Next month we'll be back with some more wonderful FMLs from the darkest corners of our submissions page. And don't bother sending in your own made-up ones, these date back from the website's creation! We've got tons of these things stocked away. So, until next time, be excellent to each other.



Bonus not-really-hidden track:


Girl afraid

Today, my friend gave me the mental image of Hugh Jackman yanking a 14-pound baby out of his ass. FML

#1436 - About FMyLife - On 02/24/2014 at 11:17am by Alan - 109 comments