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The Best of the Worst #6

Hai its FML hear, welcom to da show! Ass yall now, we post everay months FLMS... oh no, sorry. It's just that reading submissions can sometimes wear my reading and writing skills. I lose all notion of what actual grammar is. Isn't he the guy who used to star in Frasier and Boss? Anyway, enough about spelling, it's time once again to delve into the weirdest and frankly most distressing FML submissions we've had over the past few years. I'll stop talking for a little bit now. Here we go. 

As I've said in past article, anyone can submit an FML, but not everyone can do it properly. It takes a certain sense of... What do you call it? Oh yeah, sense. Common sense, brains, coherence. Something like that. This article is all about the FMLs that we've received that contain none of that whatsoever. Things that could've been sent in by your neighbour who eats his own hair while listening to mp3s of gunshots. That sort of thing. Anyway, I'll stop interrupting, and let you get straight down to the nitty-gritty. Here's this month's selection of FMLs: 



today i fucked a cat, turns out it wasnt a cat. it was my grandma. this isnt a lie fml


Child soldier

Today my mom called me a good for nothing son and a failure in life I’m 13 years old and I write Poetry in my spare time I’M A PRODOGY. FML


Power of persuasion

Ok so ya c dis bitch waz in mai w8 room class at skewl. and im liek all buff and shiznit. SO i was on a masheen and da bitch walked up and i sliped and punched da ho. MAI BAD


Sleep dealer

Yesterday, I got out of a felony speeding ticket doing 105 MPH on the freeway, but 20 minutes later at my grandma’s birthday, I reflexively jerked my hand away from a dog I was petting because it was too smooth and felt like a vagina, inducing flashbacks. FML


Today i woke up and found my nipple was cut off and cut up into many pieces…i didnt know what to do so i got up and saw my boyfriend eating the rest of it.FML



Today, a repairman came to our house to fix our vacuum cleaner. He located the problem- the middle of the tube was blocked by high amounts of semen. For the past 4 months Ive been masturbating into it because it feels good and leaves no mess. Now my parents are sending me to therapy. FML






as i ws wlkin in2 wrk i nticd sum1 had lockd ther dog in a car as i turnd 2 wlk into the building i c ths grl i usd to work w/ w/ hr bf so i go up to hr and say “dsnt tht piss u off? that prsn shld b shot!” they glare @ me n i cntinu to wlk insid, as i trn bac i notis thm gettin in2 th car w/ th dog


Pelham Island road

Today I went to Germanys air port and got felt up by a 60 year old man because the metal detector went off. I also recieved a 16 year coke and threw up within the next ten minutes. I later asked fora chocolate chip cookie. He gave me muffin so politely told him he was wrong, and he said no u are.FML


Stress waves



That's it for now. We'll be back next month, same place, same weirdoes. We hope you enjoyed reading these, we certainly enjoyed compiling them. FYI: these are all compiled from the beginning of the website, so to all you clever clogs who've tried sending in stuff aimed at this page: Don't. Until next time, be excellent to each other and stop farting in elevators.



Bonus not-really-hidden, probably made-up track:


Describing bodies

Today, at work, I was getting to know one of my co-workers who i hadnt really befriended in the 3 years I worked there. We decided we would just tell eachother one random fact each time we ran into each other for a while. I told him once my mom was dead. He told me he was a necrophiliac. FML

#1454 - About FMyLife - On 06/04/2014 at 5:33am by Alan - 121 comments

Eddy Maurice's Illustrated FML

For many, the weekend means parties, fiestas and getting right royally ripped off your tits on booze with your mates. But beware, excessive drinking while only eating handfuls of peanuts can lead to embarrassing situations. We’re going to learn all about these easily-avoidable situations with our guest of the week.


"My projects? To carry on drawing Tintins as my grand-father used to say."

Self portrait Eddy by Laurent

Eddy is from Rouen in France and he’s 38. He’s been a graphic designer for the past 17 years, a “creative job which require a lot of curiosity”. As most of the artists that we receive, he’s got a blog, which is quite excellent. He’s done an illustrated FML which is also quite excellent and reminds me of a few times that I wish I didn’t remember, due to the fact that it’s about the bad side of alcohol excesses and the black outs that can happen if you over-do it. If you’ve never known the joys of waking up after a party and though, “What did I do last night?”, good for you. It’s horrible. You then have to call round and ask, “What did do? What did I say?”, then the memories come flooding back, out of focus at first then more and more specific until the point where you want to hide under a tarpaulin at the bottom of the garden. Never again. Until the next time.

Eddy doesn’t admit to having many projects at the moment, besides “to carry on drawing Tintins as my grand-father used to say.” For those of you who don’t know, Tintin is a famous cartoon character from Belgium and is well known around the world. If you’ve never heard of Tintin, what are you doing on the illustrations page? It’s like going on a music page and never having once listened to Revolver by The Beatles (hint, do it now, especially “Tomorrow Never Knows”, the ace up the sleeve of any Beatles fan when confronted with anyone who says The Beatles just were a wishy-washy pop band).

Anyway, that’s enough about that, what does Eddy like? “I haven’t liked any movies recently, but I have been eating up a load of TV shows. The biggest slap in the face was True Detective, and before that was the last season of Breaking Bad. I like The Walking Dead a lot, Game of Thrones and Homeland.” A man of refined taste, then. Except that whole Game of Thrones thing, I just don’t get it. Everybody talks to me about it as if it’s the second coming of Knight Rider (ie. the best TV show ever), but I couldn’t make it past the first 15 minutes of the first episode. I’m not a hater, I can understand that people enjoy it, but when I tell people I didn’t like it, it’s like I’ve said I don’t like chocolate, children and kittens. Help!

And what about Eddy’s favourite artists and stuff? “I still like Vatine and I love US comics : Madureira, Humberto Ramos, Travis Charest, Olivier Coipel, Dave Mc Kean and especially MIKE MIGNOLA !” And what about your personal life? “Right now I’m really into Hearthstone, Blizzard’s online card game, it’s by the creators of Warcraft. I’m totally addicted. It’s all I do on my iPad. I’m also a huge science fiction fan. And another fan who’s disappointed by the movies that have been released these past few years. The last movie I wasn’t disappointed by was District 9.” I’ve written that one down on a Post-it note for a forthcoming movie night.

And to finish off the article, how about his personal FML? Do tell all. “A few years ago, early morning, I was shaving when someone rang the bell at the foot of my apartment building. I’m not the kind of guy who shaves every day, despite my extreme hairiness. I was halfway through when the guy rang the bell, and I don’t know how but whoever it was managed to jam the bell, so it was continually ringing. I couldn’t take it, so I went downstairs in a hurry to unjam it, one side of my face clean shaven, the other still covered in shaving foam. I leave my apartment in boxer shorts and a t-shirt, and I slam the door… A DOOR WITH NO HANDLE. So, there I was, stuck outside, having to go to a nearby friend’s place in my underwear and t-shirt to call a locksmith. FML”

Yep, we’ll call that an FML all right. Thanks Eddy for taking part, for your great illustrated FML and yadda yadda yadda. Don’t forget to check out his blog. Next week we’ll be checking out a mysterious illustrator, who comes from a mystical place. Know who it is yet? Oh really? I don’t. Well, I do, sort of. Until next time, take care and be excellent to each other.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to [email protected] but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1453 - Illustrated FML - On 05/30/2014 at 12:38pm by Alan - 8 comments

Tom Cochien's Illustrated FML

It's Friday again, and all week we've had the Easybeats' song on our mind. So here we go, time to kick off our platform shoes, lie down on the couch, turn on the TV, watch some Seinfeld re-reruns and imagine a time when life wasn't so complicated, and people weren't so jaded. Sorry, I wasn't talking about you guys, you get jokes, right? We're all friends here, we can speak candidly, so let's welcome this week's artist and start the show.


"My hero is Angus McGyver, his wisdom, intelligence and humour embodied under a mullet and a bomber jacket."

Self-portrait Tom by Cochien

When I started writing these articles, I didn't know much about cartoons, drawing or art in general. But I do know what makes me laugh. I'm British, so I do have a certain sense of humour. A decent or shitty one, depending on where you're standing. As for cartoonists and comics, I was aware of the work of the mysterious Pierre la Police. No one knows who he (or she?) is, but his work has made me giggle for years, so when I came across this week's artist's work, I seemed to recognise a certain kinship between them, so I contacted him to offer him a spot, and he said yes and did this for us!

So, who is this dude? His name is Tom Cochien, he's from the south of France and he's 23. He's got a blog, a website, and you can even find him on Soundcloud under the moniker Koshrimp. He's a student, "supposedly learning how extract what's in my head onto 50x65 sheets of paper". He also works in a school as a monitor, "a job that consists of try to resolve conflicts between packs of enraged children at lunchtime in a primary school". He also has an interesting explanation of why he draws: "I can't really say that I like to eat, sleep or breathe, I just need to. Drawing is the same." He recently created a poster for the town of Aix in France, as well as illustrations for several books, "which should show up very soon! I'll talk about them on my blog. And every month there's my comic strip series 'In the primary school where I work" on 30joursdebd." His projects include "a story which includes supermarket aisles, a man with a balloon head, a cult and... I've already said too much. Watch this space." OK, we'll be here, especially since I often feel like a man with a balloon for a head.
Humour-wise, his work is somewhere between real life (with the stories taken from his job at school), but also sometimes flirt with surrealism and the absurd. This sort of humour is sometimes difficult for some people, who have a hard time understanding what's so funny about it. Too much hard work, you have to get your brain into gear. That or you just have to be twisted and damaged. A bit like a radio station you need to tune into by twiddling the knob with great care, Tom broadcasts his humour on his own personal frequency. I have the same problem with my own brand of jokes, if you can call them that. Sometimes I'll post a comment or an article poking gentle fun at shitty bands or mocking someone for not thinking things through, and I'll get death threats from some loons who totally missed the point and who haven't laughed at anything since 1998. I guess everything is subjective, so let's forget about it, otherwise I'll start crying again.

Tom studied to be a librairian, but preferred to switch and fill up books with his own stuff rather than lending books out. His inspirations include Winschluss, Cha, Hergé, Hugo Pratt, IAM, The Cure, Gorillaz, Edgar Allan Poe, Patrick Baud, "and music with booming bass and loads of reverb." I can dig that. He also mentions the TV show Black Mirror, which I recommend also, Charlie Brooker rules.

What about everyday stuff he likes? "My morning shower, drawing, watching weird horror movies, answering questionnaires, checking out obscure Estonian doom-sludge-occult bands on the Internet, drinking coffee and procrastinating." I'm still stuck on the last one. And maybe doom-sludge, with SunnO))).

To finish off the interview, what would his own FML be? "Today, I work in a primary school and all the kids call me Harry Potter. FML" Weird, a lot of people would consider that to be awesome. Anyway, thank you Tom for taking part. Everyone, remember to check out his illustrated FML, we'll certainly tune in to follow your carreer progression. Any last words before we go? "I've tried to become friends with the cockroaches but I guess they're still a phobia of mine." OK then. Same here. See you all next week!

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to [email protected] but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.


#1452 - Illustrated FML - On 05/23/2014 at 3:36am by Alan - 2 comments

Sev's Illustrated FML

It's the weekend again, and this time, the illustrations section is coming all the way from the countryside. Yes, FML is knee-deep in forests, animals, animal dung, and we think we might have spotted some of Bambi's relatives trying to steal our hub caps. Anywaaaaay, let's check out this week's illustrator, who's not trying to steal anything besides our hearts and minds.


"I've got an idea for a book for kids... floating around in my brain... but nothing concrete..."

Self-portrait Sév' by La Grande Nouvelle

This week, we're welcoming Séverine, AKA Sév, who also goes by the same "La Grande Nouvelle". This in French means either "the tall new girl" or "the big news". You can understand that, at first, when she wrote to us to offer to illustrate an FML, I thought it was a subset of the Jehovah's witness dudes back to talk about that dude on the cross or whatever it is they like to talk about. But no, she's a lady from Toulouse, France. I used to live there, but there's no favoritism at play here, I only just found out when asking pressing questions like a mad Columbo. She'll be 40 soon: "Big party happening in June. If my neighbors are reading this, I have to warn them: we'll be making some noise!" Good, we'll be there.

She's a freelance artistic director; I'm not sure what that means, but her current activity is "launching my blogs. Speaking of which, how do all the others bloggers get loads of happy people to read theirs?" Well, an article and an illustration on FML is a good start. She has a blog here, and a Tumblr here. Have a look, go on, do it, do it now.
She also has two children, but we can't really find fault with that, to each their own. Oh, but there's something that I can't let slide. She says she likes the music of Shaka Ponk. Now, to an audience outside of France, this name probably doesn't mean anything, but check them out if you need cheering up. Bad English accents, shite music, over-complicated-we're-so-kooky song titles. I hate them more than my ongoing itchy crotch rash.

As with a lot of illustrators, Sev' says she lacks time to do what she wants to do, but with two kids to deal with, it's understandable. "I REALLY like my job. My kids think I have fun all day with my electronic drawing pad, which is kind of true... I like images, colors, I like having an idea per second, doodling, things that go fast..."
I have to admit that during my badly thought out illustrator's career, I liked the idea of being able to quickly doodle a joke or something I'd just thought of. Sev's thirst for doodles comes from the same sort of place: "It's quite recent. I've always drawn for my job but the idea for my blog came from a weekend away with friends where we played Taboo, and I thought to myself that I could draw all the silly moments in life and make something funny, and it would force me to get better at it, to produce stuff, to draw. I still haven't found my 'style' yet." I think she's getting there, because we wouldn't have followed up when she wrote to us if she didn't have that certain 'something'.

So, what does she like, besides that awful band? "I love my husband!" I should bloody well hope so! "I like to party, very big parties!" Well, she certainly did the right thing by moving to Toulouse, then. "My passion, even though I've sort of stopped for a couple of years, is improvisation. I was part of the amateur league." She also admits that her vices include M&M's and Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream, but that's true of most people. She mentions the pleasure she gets from "kissing her kids goodnight, with rituals like the rock, the helicopter, the ripping of the blankie, etc., and being able to share truly funny moments so long as their childhood allows it." She also hopes to draw them as they grow up. So watch this space. Speaking of spaces, she speaks highly of our friend Pénélope, Margaux Motin and Mary Gribouille.

To end the interview, what would her FML be? "Recently, my son had 10 friends over for his birthday. We were all outside with some of the parents who had stayed for a drink, when one of them wanted to leave... Except that one of the kids had shut the bay windows from the inside, meaning that there was 15 of us outside waiting for a locksmith. Who arrived an hour later. All the while, the kids asking, "When do we get the cake?" Argh. Whoever did it never owned up. Little shits."

This is why I'll never have any children. That, and the fact that I can't get any action due to the fact that I'm useless at seducing women, with my penguin waddle and shite jokes. I leave all that to the specialists. Anyway, thank you Sev' for everything, I can live my life by proxy! Here at FML, we thank you for your illustrated FML. Next week we'll be receiving someone else. Until then, enjoy your weekend. Try not to be too sad about the cancelation of Legit, even though it was a great show. Here's Jim Jeffries on drinking, but try not to overdo it tonight. Ciao.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to [email protected] but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1451 - Illustrated FML - On 05/15/2014 at 11:48am by Alan - 18 comments

Missbean's Illustrated FML

Hello, and welcome to the show. This week, we'll be looking at ways to improve your sex life! Click on this link to quickly out how to make your schlong work overtime, or how to make your hips tell the honest truth like Shakira's. Right, now that's done, people might've clicked on this thing thanks to the all encompassing draw of the marketing world's titillation machine, so we can get on with the actual article. Illustration time!


"At one time, people said my work looked like the Rugrats cartoons and it would annoy me, but now I don't care."

Self-portrait Missbean by Marie

Missbean is her name, and gardening isn't her game. No, it's illustration. She's been on FML and VDM (the mothership site) for as long as it's been around. She's illustrated all sorts of stuff for us, stories, books, diaries... Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I wonder if my life is a Missbean drawing, then the cat moans at me for more cat biscuits and I realize it was just a dream-slash-nightmare-slash-alcohol-induced paranoid delusion.

Anyway, this week, she's sent us an illustrated FML all about hamsters.
I've never understood why anyone would want to keep a hamster as a pet. They're quite low maintenance and die pretty quickly, so I guess that's a good reason. Cats and dogs demand more of an investment. Kids require even more of an investment, but some scientists are now saying that kids and pets are different categories. Can't see it myself, but hey, what do I know?

Missbean's real name is Marie, she comes from France, and she has a website on which you can check out her work as well as buy some books. Yes, she's a published author; you can buy her comic books on Amazon and everything. She used to get annoyed when people compared her drawings to the Rugrats, but that was a long time ago, and she doesn't care anymore.

She doesn't have any current projects, besides raising her children.
I was only joking with the whole pets thing, Marie, I swear. Maybe she'll be like Bénédicte from a few weeks back, who gets a lot of her inspiration from the antics of her son. We can only hope so!

She's welcome to check whenever she likes, and can send us an illustrated FML whenever she wants. The one she did for us this week is very cute, and probably the greatest fear of most hamster owners. The sort of thing that would never happen to a bull terrier's owner. Unless you had one of those industrial-sized hoovers that can suck time back into the matrix. So, erm, thanks Marie/Missbean, you are as big a part of FML/VDM as the letter M.

Next week, we'll be welcoming someone else, we don't know who yet. Anyone can have a go, just read the blurb at the bottom! Until then, I'll be off sunning myself on my yacht in the Bahamas with Raymond, listening to some old reggae and drinking a fancy drink with a paper umbrella stuck in it. Take care, and be excellent to each other.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to [email protected] but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1450 - Illustrated FML - On 05/09/2014 at 8:04am by Alan - 4 comments