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April Fool's Headcase Special

Yes, that time of year is back. The 1st of April, with its good-humored japes and misleading statements aimed to confuse and trick people into believing absolutely anything. A couple of decades ago, BBC television in the UK transmitted a short documentary about “pasta trees”, in which we were shown spaghetti growing on trees, and people fell for it. These days, the tricks are more or less subtle. In France there’s a tradition of sticking fish on people, which let’s face it is a bit shit, and not that funny compared to slyly placing a piece of paper with “Kick me up the arse, I’m into that sort of thing” on someone’s back. People won’t always comply, but some will and merriment will be enjoyed all round. Aaah, April fool’s day, so good we should have it every year.


I’m not going to bore you with tricks you could get up to; we might get sued by people who are health and safety conscious (or just spoilsports who’d complain and try to sue anyone and anything if things aren’t up to their tight-assed expectations. Learn to roll with the punches, people). No, my aim for today is to go over some of the weirdly awkward submissions we have received over the years which have made many a moderator (both the in-house staff and the helpful people who use the auto-moderation system on the website) go “WTF?” Sometimes we wonder if these submitters are high, misguided or are just trying to wind us up. The tenuous link to April Fool’s day is that we are so baffled by these submissions is that when reading them we often wonder if we’ve time travelled to another dimension where every day is April Fool’s day.
 
Without further ado, here’s an example of what we received one day:

Today, i found OUT what shat meant. then i F my cat with my bedazzeled dildo. then i took a steamy piss in the kat box with my VaGINA. FML


See what I mean? It’s like someone threw a scrabble board against a wall and wrote down the result (which coincidentally is also how they wrote the last three seasons of Lost)
 
Sometimes we get submissions that are like little jokes, but they aren’t really jokes, fooling nobody:

Today, a monkey bit my weiner. Now it smells like a banana. FML


Thanks for that.
 
Other times we get submissions from totally disturbed people, stuff involving members of their own families and sexual encounters between them which are so odd that I don’t even want to consider posting them here. But we do get things like this:

Today, I had to get an abortion because I scewed my dog. It was a bitch. FML


Then there’s just the “stories” than make you want to face-palm in triplicate:

Today, I walked into my room to see my roommate staring intently at a snail. When she heard me, she jumped up, grabbed the snail, and shoved it into her pocket before rushing past me out of the door. She still hasn’t returned. It’s been 6 hours. I’m worried. FML


Today, while peeing, I noticed my pee smelt like mashed potatoes. I decided to drink it to see if it tasted like mashed potatoes. It didn’t. FML


I just asked my half-asleep mom if she knew which toothbrush was mine and she said no and I was like alright I’ll just brush with my hand and I started to brush with my hand and then I was thinking “WAIT WHAT IF THIS IS SOMEONE ELSE’S HAND” and I freaked out until I realized that wasn’t possible COOL.


Along the same lines we get totally absurd ones that make you lose IQ points just by reading them:

i managed to decapitate an ant by farting


Today my dick turned into a pretzel…FML.


Today, I stared at my turd long enough to realise it looked like a penguin. FML


Last night I got so drunk I fell off my dinosaur. He beat me home and ate my entire stash. Now I’ve got a T-rex in my room yaked out of his crayon….. FML.


Today, I was eating a pineapple when I realized it was really my hamster. Who has AIDS. FML


to day i found out that i have had a dildo inside my stomach since birth


jager bombs+ sauerkraut + applesauce + corn flakes= waking up with a super hairy back? Fml


 We also get stories that sort of start off like actual plausible FMLs, but then veer off into uncharted territory at the end:

Today i was hit by a car, it was being driven by some drunk babies FML

Today, I was hugging my mother, and then bubbles came out of my foot. FML.

Today, I realized I like to smell of my own eye fluid. FML

Today, I learned that Scotland is responsible for smelly farts and dried boogers. FML


A lot of them are based around sexual proclivities that make you wonder how many freaks are out there. Not so much because they actually do these things, but because they even come up with these ideas in the first place:

Today, I got aroused by watching a phone charger go into the wall. FML

 

I was abducted by Aliens, they wouldn’t even give me the anal probe!

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when my penis fell off and my girlfriend’s vagine blew up. I now know I should’ve paid attention in Sex Ed. FML


Today, while on meth, I brutally ripped of my penis in an attempt to kill a fly. FML


Today, I was castrated by a forklift.FML


 So there you have it. You now understand that for FML moderators, every day really is April Fool’s day. The weird and wonderful all flock to us to share their innermost thoughts and fantasies, and we have a hard time wondering why on earth they think that we’d ever publish their ramblings, or whether they’re actually trying to mess with our heads.
 
On another note, if these “FMLs” entertained you, don’t hesitate to join in the fun and click on our homepage’s “Moderate the FMLs” button; you never know, you might get to read some more of these wacky submissions. We’d certainly be grateful for the help separating the wheat from the chaff.
 
One last one before I go:

today my car keys were stolen, i found them in my brothers butthole…fml


You, my friend, have issues.
 
Feel free to use the comments section underneath this article to tell us your own insane April Fool's stories!

Enjoy yourselves, and be excellent to each other.

#1237 - About FMyLife - On 03/31/2012 at 11:45am by Alan/FML Team - 9 comments

The FML dream

USA, USA, USA; well, almost. Today we're not welcoming a French artist, not even an American artist, but an artist from... oh, you'll see! Are you in a hurry or something? Why can't we just sit down, have a nice cup of tea and talk about the future? Okay, I see some of you starting to fall asleep, I'll start the interview then!

 

-Idan Schneider hello, welcome to FML, introduce yourself to the audience, where do you live?
-Hey everyone! I live in suburban Tel-Aviv, Israel.

-How old are you?
-I was born the same year Star Wars was published. (The original one, not the special edition...) You do the math.

-(So you were born in year Awesome, nice). What's your job?
-My formal education is in software engineering, and up until recently I was a Product Manager in the software industry. A few weeks ago I decided that after almost a decade of non-stop work, it's time to take some time for myself, and so in a bold (stupid?) move I quit my job. On the bright side, this gives me plenty of time to do useless crap like this FML gig.

-FML vs. software engineering, what a beautiful fight. So how's life now that you quit?
-Pretty much the same, only now my life has a meaning and I can see colors again...

 



-And that is pretty helpful for an artist. Let's talk about your webcomic, C-Section, why did you create it?
-Well, I've been drawing ever since I remember myself, but I kept my art hidden in my desk drawer for most of my life. When I turned 30, I had a mini "mid-life crisis". Most people spend their mid life crisis on chasing whores getting drunk, but me, I decided to publish my art (to my wife's delight). I started a web comic without really knowing anything about web comics or blogging. C-Section comics started slow at first, but week after week it gained more and more fans. Then I published this cartoon about how iPhone, Android and Blackberry users see each other, which went insanely viral - and that gave a real boost to my readership. Ever since then my best cartoons have been published in sites such as TechCrunch, Geeks are Sexy, Make Use Of, CNET, (takes a deep breath) etc.

-What are your inspirations for this webcomic?
-Artistically-wise, as a kid I was inspired mainly by French comics - especially Asterix the Gaul (I have almost every book in the series). I also used to read a lot of Mad Magazine. Today with the internet you have access to almost any form of art out there so I can't really limit my current influences to anything particular. But if you'll ask me which three webcomics I enjoy most reading, I'd say Dilbert, SMBC and "Cyanide & Happiness". Will you ask me that?

-Yes, we can see the American influence in your drawings. But there's a question I'm DYING to ask you, and please be honest Idan, I know it's getting personal but, what are your favorite webcomics ?
-Well this interview is soooooo over! (Please don't end it, I'm sorry, I'll be good)

 

 

-You're such an artist Idan. Does living in Israel affect your creations?
-Not really, most of my cartoons are mostly about everyday topics that anyone anywhere in the world could relate to, like why your mom shouldn't be your facebook friend, or why we all hate going food shopping, or the differences between how men and women choose their underwear. In fact, most of my audience come from The States, Germany, India the UK so there's a lot of diversity here.

-What are your next projects?
-Well, I'm working full speed ahead on publishing new cartoons on C-Section Comics, so feel free to follow my cartoons on the site (www.csectioncomics.com) or on Facebook (www.facebook.com/csectioncomics). I'm also drawing personal caricatures which can be ordered at http://www.YourPersonalCartoonist.com .

-And now last question Idan! (I know, don't cry.) why did you choose this FML story?
-I wanted to reply to Mike Jacobsen. Plus it gave me a chance to draw my 3 favorite things: blondes, dogs, and blondes having sex with dogs. God, I need help. FML.
-Well, thank you for your honesty Idan, it was a great interview (and a funny way to find out that you need to see a shrink).

 

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 


Idan's webcomic :  http://www.csectioncomics.com/
#1233 - Illustrated FML - On 03/30/2012 at 1:52pm by Alice - 0 comments

R.I.P. FML

If the title got you here because you thought FML was going to shut up shop, then I'm evil. Of course, today's headline only refers to the great comic Pen Goto created for us! Speaking of today's illustration, no animals were hurt in the making of this comic, so no blubbing, okay? The little kitty is fine, he's just missing a tail now, but we all know tails are useless. Alan can confirm this. Pen Goto, here we come!

-Hello dear "Pen Goto", what's your real name?
-My real name is a mystery! I usually prefer to be called Pen.

-How old are you lovely lady?
-I'm 21.

-And where do you live? Because if you're a British citizen, you're just a middle-aged woman, and if you're from the United States, your life has only just started.
-I live in the United States.  I didn't know that about British citizens, that makes me feel young!

-Ooooh, it means I'm allowed to talk to you about alcohol, sex and drugs. And that's great because that's exactly what I'm NOT going to talk about! Are you a student?
-So I can't talk about raping the caps lock button, drinking root beer, and being addicted to the internet? Darn. Yes, I am a student.

-What are you studying?
-I am studying web design and animation. In animation I learned how to use 3ds Max, Maya, Mudbox, and Motion Capture.  And in web design I use Dreamweaver and Photoshop. I learn a lot about the programs so it's nice.

-Why did you choose animation over illustration?
-I love film and animation and I wish to pursue a career in that field.

-Neh, that answer is just too polite. We wanna know all the dirty secrets. We haven't welcomed many animators on FML, it seems like a difficult field, so, why would you choose it?
-To be honest, animating is difficult for me and I prefer to avoid it if I can. If it's 3d animation, I like to model and texture. If it's 2d, I like doing concept art and story development. It is hard work and a difficult field to get into... And my dirty secret, I just like telling a good story and presenting that story in a sequence of events.

-So, what would be your dream job?
-My dream job would be a director for an animated movie, like Miyazaki or Tim Burton.

-That's what I was going to ask, what are your inspirations?
-Miyazaki and Tim Burton. Their storytelling is full of magic and the message stays with you. You can watch their movies and hit replay all day long.

-We can see in the FML you drew that you have a dark side (Tim Burton's style). Why did you choose this story?
-It's a sad story, but the way the author wrote it is very humorous. It has that dark humor that I enjoy and it was very easily to visualize.

-And thanks to you, it's now easier for us to visualize it. Thanks for taking part.
-Thank you for having me and make sure I sound smart in this interview!

 

 

 

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 


 

#1229 - Illustrated FML - On 03/22/2012 at 2:01pm by Alice - 4 comments

The lost FML

USA, USA, USA, and more precisely Philadelphia. That's where we're landing today. When I first discovered Justin, on 9gag or an awesome website like that, I knew exactly this little guy was perfect to fit in the FML illustrated section. His crazy, crazy website burnt my retinas but I didn't notice as his hilarious comics kept my mind busy. Don't worry, today's illustration does not include vivid colors (and don't worry, it's not The Artist either). Let's start the interview and get a chance to know Justin Westover!

 

 

-So, are you ready for the interview?
-Yeah I hope so.

-Great, because the roller coaster you rode once before was nothing compares to what's following. You don't have heart issue do you?
-Oh dear… Hang on, I'm going to get my helmet for this. I'm sitting down so I should remain concious for the majority of this.

-Justin, welcome on FML! Before riding this monster (oh, wait, that does sound a little naughty.. let's say roller coaster instead) SO, before riding this FML rollercoaster, I must know how old you are.
-I am 22. I was an 80's kid for 14 days. I did the most cocaine in my life during that time period.

-Okay, we can continue this interview (and even recall some The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air memories). Where do you live young man?
-Well in West philidelphia, born and raised... I wish, I live in Stevens point, Wisconsin.

-Oh, sarcasm, nice. What is your job daytime/nightime?
-I work at the University I'm attending in the bookstore. Usually I'm a "customer service associate" but I'm currently the Web manager. Nightime is spent on comic strips because that's the only time I get.

-Which one would be the coolest, talking about the University or your webcomics?
-Haha. Well, some pretty crazy stuff happens at the University, but I'm sure you're more interested in the webcomics. I don't think you were perusing my student records when you selected me for my fmylife.com, haha. But as far University life goes, I'm going for a Bachelor of Fine Arts right now.

 

 

-Yeah yeah, studies, whatever, COMICS, that all we want to hear (read) about! Tell us more about your website.
-YEAH! Well as you know, it's Mrlovenstein.com, I update it every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It has no storyline or many reccuring characters like most webcomics out there. I've been doing this thing for about a year and five months now. Which is the longest I've ever stuck to one hobby ever.

-So your artstyle is pretty simple, and your humour crushing, what inspires you when you're creating your comics?
-It's really just a big amalgamations of all the little random thoughts I have throughout my days. I've noticed a lot of my jokes just tend to deal with taking standard, accepted acts of every day life and twisting them around. I'm also a fan of awkward moments because those are the instances when we are most vulnerable. I did a comic strip with my Left and Right characters where Right is talking about having a pepperoni from his frozen pizza get stuck to the wrapper and he almost threw it away. I actually told that story in real life and was met with a "cool story bro."

-("Cold story bro" would have been better) It's funny to see how life inspires artists. I have to ask. What's up with the fluorescent green Justin?
-Isn't it beautiful. When I designed this site, I was studying color theory. And I wanted to take the most obnoxious colors and try to bring them together in harmony. And to damage as many retinas as possible.

-Yuo fulyy succede. Whta aer you biggest insspitrat!ons?
-The first time I decided to try drawing comics in a webcomic fashion, I had just started reading Cyanide and Happiness when they were just getting started out. I came up with Left and Right and did about 50 4 panel strips with them. I didn't start taking the idea of running a website seriously until I read all the big webcomics that were actually successful. That runs the whole list from XKCD to SMBC to PBF comics to Penny Arcade. When I see they've been doing this thing for 5 to 10 years, comic after comic after comic, it really motivates you.

 

-Are you planning on publishing a book?
-Maybe some years down the road when I've earned it. It's funny how a medium that draws its success from existing digitally really shows how far it's come by being in print form. I need more experience, I need a larger library of strips, I need to mature more, I need to do a lot more things before I feel a book would be worth printing for Mr. Lovenstien.

-Last question Justin! I know, it's sad ... why did you choose that story?
-Aww man, and I just stopped shaking violently from nervousness. That FML jumped out at me because it seems like such a random and improbably event. And I love random and improbable events. And I wanted to highten the randomness and improbableness to new heights.

-And you're great at creating random and improbable events too.
-Yeah, you could say that's another standard of Lovenstein lore.

-I just read "love". Anyway. Thank you for taking part Justin, that was delightful!

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 


Justin's webcomic :  http://www.mrlovenstein.com/

 

 

 

#1225 - Illustrated FML - On 03/17/2012 at 4:58am by Alice - 3 comments

Théo Calméjane's illustrated FML

Hi gang! My name is Julien and I’m very happy to be with you for this week’s brand new illustrated FML. I’m so happy, I feel like rolling about like a turtle. This week, we’re trying something different. As you may know, FML was originally a French website, where FMLs are called VDMs, and is a huge hit amongst French-speaking people. This article and illustration are being published simultaneously on both websites, and we all hope that everyone will enjoy them. If it’s the case, this sort of occurrence may happen again in the near future.

This week we’re travelling all the way to Belgium, where our artist of the week resides. He’s 22, lives in Brussels and is called Théo Calméjane. “I’ve just finished my studies and I’m now working on cartoon and illustration projects and I’m trying to make a living from doing so. Besides that, I work in a small cinema.”

What is that you enjoy in what you do? What do you miss? “What I enjoy about cartoons is the relative freedom you have as a writer, no schedules, no constraints, only those that mean you have to drop in to work now and again, but in a really independent way. But at the moment I miss working alongside other people in a workplace.”

Amongst other news, Théo is a big part of the Les Machines, a publishing house based in Angouleme, a city in France where an international cartoon festival is held every year. “We oversee our own books in a completely independent way, from the creation of the story to printing, putting the book together, all the way to sending it out to bookshops and the festivals we take part in. With three other friends, we created the magazine CATAPULTE, which has just released its sixth issue.”

He went to art school in Angouleme and got a masters degree in cartoon design. “It was fun!” Now he runs cartoon workshops and would like to be published in the youth-orientated press. He’s also working on a project that contains several chapters, which he’d like to submit to a publisher. “It’s about holidays, fishing and walks in the woods…” We won’t fail to mention that our guest was nominated for the blog newcomer 2012 award, which is pretty classy. Right, next!

So, dogs or cats?
Cute cat.

What are the latest things you’ve liked, movies, music and cartoon-wise?
At the movies, Take Shelter and Drive! As for cartoons, the excellent “Clémence dans les cratères” by Cléry Dubourd and Didissque by Pierre Elahee from Na editions, a small publishing outfit I’d like everyone to get to know!

Who are the main artists that you like, and whose blogs you regularly visit?
I like Tom Gauled, Carl Bark, José Parrondo… As for blogs I often go to Bibliodyssey or Lezinfo, which are sites full of very interesting pictures.

Tell us what you enjoy in life, your passions, your hobbies, and your vices, and everyday pleasures.
I enjoy tennis, Ping-Pong, swimming, eating spaghetti, going to the beach, making snowmen. But the best is still a boiled egg in the morning.

Are you afraid of anything? If so, of what?
A classic phobia: spiders.

As an ending, ask yourself a question that you would’ve liked to be asked, and then it’s up to you whether you answer it or not.
Do you prefer Farfalle or Cannelloni? Cruel dilemma.

 

To check out this week’s illustrated FML, click here!

 

That’s it for this week: We leave you with some videos to have a look at while you wait for our next installment next Saturday. There’s a lot of talent in the US Air Force, even when singing Adele. I also wanted to introduce you to a guy who tastes ice cream in a really weird way, to conclude with a “That's a 10.” And as this week the illustrated FML is a bit exceptional, here is also a dad waking up his son in a Doom way. See you next time!

 

Got talent and want to take part in an upcoming illustrated FML? Send me and email to julien@viedemerde.fr, without forgetting to give me the link to your blog or some of your artwork.

#1221 - Illustrated FML - On 03/09/2012 at 5:06pm by Julien - 7 comments


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