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Bénédicte's Illustrated FML

"If drawing stuff is the food of love, then get a better pencil." That's not a real expression, I just made it up because I needed a good opening line. It's not even that good of an opening line, but this week's illustration is quite good. However, this week's artist is a bit of a loose cannon, temper-wise. Everything's going to be fine, don't worry, I'm just warning you. Put on a helmet or something.


"Anyway, when I've got some spare time, I go out to party, I drink way too much alcohol, I smoke joints and I piss off the people I meet."

Self-portrait Bénédicte by Bloutouf

I have to admit something. I know this week's artist personally. Don't accuse me of nepotism, she really does have talent. As a human being, she's awful, a real pain in the ass. To put up with her for more than a few hours I have to take medication, so to get through this article I'll focus on her drawing talent. Because she does have talent. To convince yourselves, check out her blog, the illustrated FML she made, or for those of you who want to keep in touch regularly, she has a Facebook page (in French). She's also done an illustrated FML before.

Her name is Bénédicte, her nickname is Bloutouf. She's from Lyon, but lives by the ocean in the south west of France. I won't say the name of the town, because she says I'm rude and "did I ask you if you sleep with your socks on?" See what I mean about her temper and stuff? What does she get up to? "Shit, mostly. If I have time during the day, I'll draw or do graphic-design for the shithead ecologists (of which I'm a part, I only drink organic rum) and I draw for kids, which I love." Bénédicte also works to making the planet a better place: "I first started working for a green association called Mountain Riders and its partners. That's how I got a reputation in the field, and then got to work with bigger associations like the Nicolas Hulot foundation and Corabio." She takes care of Mother Earth, which is honorable. I don't care, myself. I don't intend on having kids or leaving any trace behind on the planet, but Bénédicte has kids, which leads to an interesting anecdote when I ask her about what her current news is: "At the moment I'm working on a comic book. I got the idea the time my son took a dump in a fishing net. I thought that with all the stupid things he does, I'd have enough material to fill a book. So that's in the pipeline. I need time to finish it, and then I need a publisher." So, if there's a publisher out there...

She's an excellent cook, she makes excellent cookies. She recommends that we all make our own and, "STOP BUYING ABSOLUTE SHIT FROM THE SUPERMARKETS." Yes, she's anti-bad food and she's a bit tetchy. Can't say I didn't warn you. It is interesting to see that illustrators can work in areas that suit their political agendas, if that makes any sense.

Her passions are very much lady-like (her words), she goes for shoes, clothes, bags and "huge brightly colored things to attach to my hair". She says she loves bars. At any time of the day. "In the morning, 12 cups of coffee with my friends after having dropped my kids off at school, feeling real freedom! At the end of the afternoon for a quick drink in the last of the sun's rays. And especially at night because you get to meet weird, stupid or great people." By the way, her and I met in a bar one evening. I wonder which category she put me into... Speaking of which, her inspiration can come at any moment: "Usually, I have a small notebook on me to write down whatever thought pops into my head. I quickly realized that it was indispensable because the lifespan of an idea was pretty short. It's quickly replaced by another one. Surprisingly, I noticed that it was during drinks with friends that my ideas would come thick and fast... I wonder why." Yeah yeah, we all know why. Oiler.

Bénédicte has her own FML story to tell: "It was about 10 years ago, I was in Ghana for work and I found myself invited for dinner at the French ambassador's place. I wasn't really comfortable being around all those rich people who did nothing but talk about business and money. I was at the dinner table next to an older gentleman, who was quite kind. We started joking around, and, feeling at ease, I talked about the interior design. Mentioning a sculpture hanging on the ceiling, I said, "That for example, it's typical of people who've got too much money. Under the pretense that things cost a lot, they think they're buying something beautiful. But let's be honest, it's just a huge ugly piece of wood that a so-called artist has hung to the ceiling!" The man next to me burst out laughing, asked me my name, and then introduced himself: "Pleased to meet you, I'm the ambassador's brother." Like a slap in the face! His wife craned over his shoulder and said, "You're right though, it is ugly."

A story doesn't surprise me at all. How many times has told me off for going to McDonald's when she drinks beer by the gallon. But I have to admit that she does have talent. I would never ask her to teach me to draw, because she'd probably hit me in the head for not obeying her orders or something. I'd like to thank her for taking part this week, so don't forget to check out her illustrated FML. Next week we'll be welcoming... you'll see. Until then, listen to this song, look at this picture, and try to get along with people. Everything will be OK.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to [email protected] but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1445 - Illustrated FML - On 04/10/2014 at 10:00am by Alan - 11 comments

The Best of the Worst #4

Hey, it's back! Remember last time we were here? We checked out a few crazy stories from the "never posting that on FML" collection. Well, we're going to do that again, because it's been a huge success all round. It was even mentioned on TV by none other than... no, no one has mentioned it on TV. But it might be one day. So if there's any top TV people reading this, feel free to mention that you really enjoyed FML's... 

Evaluating which FMLs to post is like science: you have to wear a lab coat and plastic glasses. That's about it. That's what we wear, and nothing else. We sift through the stories to find the interesting ones, and sometimes we find some, and sometimes we do. But not in the let's-publish-that-on-FML sense. It's more in a what-is-this-person-taking sense. So we take these other stories and put them to one side, to ripen like a good cheese. And then we put them together for an article, like this one. And here you have a collection of weird and wonderful submissions from way back since FML started. Enjoy the taste of the fungus.



Today, I realized that there actually is not a U.S.S. Enterprise and that Mr. Spock isn’t actually my friend. FML


She's lost control

Today, I realized that it is more likely for my mom to shit on the couch than it is for my dog. FML



Today, I realized today that I have a fetish for women’s armpits. I find myself fantisizing about licking them. Don’t like hairy armpits just the clean shaven ones. What do you girls think?


Something must break

the paster of my chuch his duter saw my dag of weed and tall the paster FML!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Love will tear us apart

Last Saturday me and my bestfriend maddie went to a Metro Station!!! I totally and completly LOVE TRACE he is soooo hot and I wot to marry him but anyways we got there and guess what my effin camera died so I got no pics of my future husband and we had amazing seats to it was like third row FML


Day of the lords

Today, as I was walking home some guy started talking to me I thought I was actually gonna get raped. But then he starts telling me about God, I got scared and listened for a while and finally told him I had to go. He gave me his number. I stood there while he talked about God for 15 mins. FML


A means to an end

Today, I masturbated to the thought of the naked statue in the hall. FML



Today, my boyfriend called me “Flubber”. Then he told me that my vagina feels like a toothbrush. FML



4 Weeks ago i was at the Doctor because i felt pain in my Dick. That Doctor says, its a rare form of Cancer, either we have to operate away your penis, or you will die in few days. So i got my dick operated away. short after I get a letter saying that i didn’t have cancer and it was a Error… FML!!



Today, I was at the cinema. This couple behind me started making out and I felt really uncomfortable. I tried to ignore them but suddenly he whipped out his penis which smacked the back of my head. FML


That's it for now. We hope you enjoyed reading them as much as we did compiling them. Although some of the writing made our brains melt a bit. Next month we'll be back with some more FMLs created in confused minds all around the world. Until next time, be excellent to each other.



Bonus not-really-hidden track:



Today, my boyfriend wouldn’t stop calling me ‘demon child’ because he thinks I’m anorexic. His reasoning? ‘Eating is natural and Jesus is natural, therefore by not eating you are the opposite of Jesus, demon child’. FML

#1444 - About FMyLife - On 04/07/2014 at 5:00am by Alan - 114 comments

Nino's Illustrated FML

Hey hey we’re the Monkees… No we’re not, we’re FML. And it’s the weekend, so it means it’s time to strap on a crash-helmet and step outside into the big bad world. Nah, just kidding. Stay inside, in your pyjamas, eat some delicious cereal 24/7 and check out this week’s illustrated FML.


"The guy is just awesome. He eats roadkill, sleeps in camel carcasses and drinks his piss… Actually, it’s weird to admire someone like that."

Autoportrait Nino by Nino


It’s 2014, it’s April, and this week we’re receiving Nino. No first name, no surname, just Nino. He’s a mystery man, not willing to reveal his true identity. In order to further my career as a budding illustrator, I tried putting my imagination to the test, and drew who I thought he might actually be.

So, who is he really? He’s done a very nice illustrated FML for us, so check it out now. He has a blog, which can tell you a lot about his work and talent, but what about the rest? He says that he’ll be 30 years old on the 7th of April, “BUT FOR NOW I’M 29, GOT IT?” OK OK, no need to shout! He lives in France.
He’s between jobs at the moment, and is more of an amateur cartoonist, which I suppose means that Nino can compete in next the Olympics. However, he says that “I should be starting a new job in charge of development in two weeks,” which is good news, because he reckons his bank account is in need of some assistance.

He publishes his artwork on the French website 30joursdebd, “and that’s a start… and I’ve also been asked to illustrate an FML. What d’you mean you already knew?” He’s also on his way to starting a comic book called “Fairyland”. It’s the story of Elliott, a boy who lives in the world of fairy tales, but who is the only character who hasn’t had his own tale yet. It’ll be a comic book in the ‘a gag per page’ format.” Two pages are already available on his blog.

Other than the usual heroes such as Batman, his other hero is Bear Grylls from Man Vs. Wild. “The guy is just awesome. He eats roadkill, sleeps in camel carcasses and drinks his piss… Actually, it’s weird to admire someone like that.”
He rates Back to the Future and Star Wars, and raves about “Caro Emerald, a dutch jazz singer. Heavy stuff.” He likes TV shows such as Game of Thrones and Walking Dead, but seems to really like The X-Files, and even has an FML about it: “I have all 9 seasons on DVD, well, I did until my girlfriend threw out an old DVD player with one of the DVDs in it. It hurts just talking about it.”
He also recommended a few artists for us to check out: Ztnark, Piratesourcil, Stivo, Day le Dessineux, Piet Bulle Gorobei and Debyloo.
Nino and I have something in common: music. He plays the guitar and bass, as I do. But also, unlike me, “piano, drums, percussion and not at all the violin.” I’m wondering if he’s not actually some sort of one man band.

To finish the interview, he has his own FML (well, second) story: “Between the ages of 12 and 22, I would roller skate. When I started to get good and was able to do some stunts, my mom bought me a helmet and told me each time to put it on. One day, at the skate park, a guy turns up and starts taking pictures. The next day, my mom asks me if I still put my helmet on each time. “Of course, mom.” She then pulls out the local paper containing a great picture of me in the middle of a jump… not wearing my helmet.” 

The camera never lies. So, what have I learned this week? You can be talented in several areas, drawing and music. Then again, I’ve never heard Nino play. Oh, and I have to put my helmet on before going skating. Anyway, don’t forget to check out Nino’s illustrated FML. Next week we’ll be receiving a new artist, who might be George W. Bush, who knows? Until then, be excellent to each other... That is it for us today, I can't do it, dammit, the thing sucks, we'll do it live: To play us out, here’s Dave Lee Roth with a cut off his album.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to [email protected] but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.


#1443 - Illustrated FML - On 04/04/2014 at 10:24am by Alan - 6 comments

FML's Horoscope

OK, we lied. We're not lauching a new feature. There will be no pseudosciences on FML. Astrology will not be taking up any room around here, we just wanted to mark the occasion for April Fool's Day, and have some fun. Although, some of you seemed to enjoy this addition, the predictions were as believable as most, if not all astrology babblings out there. Maybe we should make this a permanent fixture, who knows what might happen in future. No one. No one knows. Take care now!


Since its creation, FML has never ceased to innovate. We've gone from strength to strength, launching innovative services like the online egg-whisk and publishing great stories from all over the world. You're probably wondering what our secret is. Well... it's pretty straightforward. We get all our information from looking to the stars. As the great man once said, "If you shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you end up in space with no oxygen."


That's what we do at FML, suffocate you in outer space with love.

As of today, we're launching this new feature, based on outer space and an ancient science that was born in the desert thousands of years ago: The FML horoscope. If you know your birthday, you know your star sign. Easy. Based on that, each month, we'll be telling you what's up with the planets and stars and shit.



March 21 - April 19

Watch your step around small children and satanists, you could be eating through a straw for weeks if you don't. Beware of anything blue. Eat more broccoli. Your love life is on the rise, maybe it's time for a new haircut and tire change on the truck. Favorite color: beige. Lucky number: 6.



April 20 - May 20

The moon is on the rise over your pay-check, which sadly means that no more money for you. Then again, Mars is on the warpath, so avoid contact with linen and any Celtic tattoos. Drink more water. Leave a book on a park bench, it'll bring you luck with the ladies/gents. Favorite color: beige. Lucky number: 6.



May 21 - June 20

Stop smoking those cigarettes! And if you're not a smoker, don't even think about starting! Venus is in Mercury this month, buy some crystals to help fight plaque. Never jaywalk. Read a book about General Patton. Look at the moon and pray. A coworker is plotting something, investigate. Favorite color: beige. Lucky number: 6.



June 21 - July 22

Get up early this month, because the early bird catches the plane. The Bible can teach us a lot of things, but it doesn't have a good recipe for banana bread. Meditate on this thought. Help an old man to buy a car, Mars is in your quadrant. The moon is dissing yo momma, don't give up hope. Favorite color: beige. Lucky number: 6.



July 23 - August 22

Jeff Bridges day is almost upon us, please remember to floss. All Leos are reminded that their star sign is one of the worst at organizing birthday parties, so stay quiet. Drink less alcohol. At work, your boss is having a hard time understanding you. Eat more meat, especially if you are a vegan. Favorite color: beige. Lucky number: 6.



August 23 - September 22

The moon is influencing your decision-making this month, so fight the urge to buy a satellite dish. Be more friendly with your neighbors, they think you are a sociopath. Get a fedora. Stop talking to your car. Saturn and Venus are conspiring, so your love life should improve. Favorite color: beige. Lucky number: 6.



September 23 - October 22

Poor little Libra, lost in your own little world. You need a map and a compass to find your own butt. Don't worry, Jupiter is coming to save you. Get some yoga in your life to help channel your anger and frustration. Eat more beets. The goal of life is not money, it's more money. Favorite color: beige. Lucky number: 6.



October 23 - November 21

It's time to fix the aches and pains that your body has been trying to tell your body about. Go to the doctor, you need help. Then, buy a plane ticket to an exotic place. Your future has beaches and cocktails all over it. Mercury is influencing your need to stay put. Don't listen. Move it. Favorite color: beige. Lucky number: 6.



November 22 - December 21

You listen and you listen good: stop it with the waffles already. You need some exercise. The moon is in Venus, and your crystal energy is depleted, so realign your chakras, and get on the bandwagon. Listen to some late '90s funk. Learn to drive a stick transmission. Be nicer. Favorite color: beige. Lucky number: 6.



December 22 - January 19

The name of the game is LOVE this month. That guy/girl you like so much? Forget them. You've got what you need right in front of your nostrils, but you don't know it. Read more books about the Nazis. Switch the TV off. Eat some fruit. The sun king is rooting for you. Devil-may-car attitude, baby! Favorite color: beige. Lucky number: 6.



January 20 - February 18

Channel the spirit of Bob Marley this month, minus the toe cancer. Be at peace with the world. Good things are coming to you, and you deserve them. Drink more water, with a bit of lemon. Stop interrupting. Think about having children. A change of scenery is on the cards. Buy a map. Favorite color: beige. Lucky number: 6.



February 19 - March 20

Fish are notoriously bad at driving cars. This month, you can try your hand at flying light aircraft, because Venus is influencing your ability to steer problems away. Eat some cashew nuts. Try the Atkins diet. Go for a run. Get a dog, and call it Lenny Bruce. Dance more. Favorite color: red. Lucky number: 78.

#1442 - About FMyLife - On 04/02/2014 at 6:14am by Alan - 81 comments

Alx Factory's Illustrated FML

Asssiiiiiibooonangaaaaaaaaaa ! Why ? Why not. It's time once again to check out the deranged mind of another artist. OK, I only said that as a weak joke, but you have to admit that some artists are a bit odd. Van Gogh and his missing ear. Salvador Dali sending a pot of semen to his dad along with a note saying "we're even". Oh and the woman who tried to restore that Jesus painting, she was obviously off her rocker. But this week, we're getting to know someone quite respectable, I promise. 


"Everything is summed up in 4 steps: the milk, the white chocolate, the small buns and all 3 at the same time."

Self portrait Alexandre by Alx


This week we're welcoming Alexandre, AKA Alx Factory. Strange name, I know, it reminds me of Andy Warhol's famous Factory, and the wonderful Velvet Underground, a band I love with all my heart. He's 29 ("I failed the entrance exam for the 27 club"), lives in Honfleur, France, and has a blog which is here, which is full of his very stylish stuff. He's done a great illustrated FML for us, check it out. 

If you remember from previous weeks, I'm shit at drawing. Here's proof. It's a drawing of Beyoncé on live TV eating a fig roll. So Alx's art boggles my mind. I'm guessing it's done with computers and stuff. Anyway, let's crack on and get to know the guy.

After high school and three months at university, he went to art school. Something tells me that the three months at university were a mistake, due to a broken GPS or a hostage situation. Once he got his diploma, he went to Brussels to study comics. He got another diploma there, and then launched himself into illustrating, and is currently working as a freelancer as a lot of illustrators seem to do.

What's he into? "The creation process! All the time spent creating a world beyond the image and losing myself inside of it until it is finished. Then, going on to another image, and so on. With regards to the job itself, without hesitation, the uncertainty of the future. Not knowing where I'll be in six months or what my contracts will be, and saying to myself that everything is possible." Wow, it's pretty rare to hear someone be happy with the things are going right now. I'm usually quite scared of not knowing where I'm going. That's why I take lots of drugs.

Alx's news right now is mainly about a 5 page article for the British magazine Photoshop Advanced. "It's an illustrated tutorial. It's not a huge deal, especially for my bank manager, but I've at least got the impression that I've passed a massive psychological turning point!" He says he has loads of projects, but won't tell me any of them, even under the threat of torture. I was even going to sing him my version of that sexist nimrod Robin Thicke's godawful "Blurred Lines" to try and get him to comply, but I didn't, no one deserves that.

Amongst his heroes, he cites Walter Sobchak, suggesting he should be president. As for his inspirations: "Banal response alert! Everything is a source of inspiration! To tell you the truth, I find out my inspiration sources at the same time that everyone else does, once I've finished an image. That's how I realize that certain movies, certain records or certain chance encounters have made an impression on me more than I thought. Sometimes, I realize after several hours of work that a picture that I was proud of was in fact way too influenced to be honest, and then I get depressed for the rest of the evening." 

He does end up by giving me the name of someone who influenced him, who gave him the impetus to draw in the first place, and thank God it's not Jesus Christ: "An illustrator/graphics designer neighbor who fascinated me when I was 10 years old. Him and his workshop which smelled good of cigarettes, jazz and oil-based paint. He had his own goals, his own work hours, his workshop. It was my definition of happiness, even though he worked like mad."

He tells me about the things he likes, and says he enjoyed The Grand Budapest Hotel at the movies, and Mysterious Skin by Gregg Araki gave him "a big slap in the face" (I concur, it's a great movie), as well as Morse by Tomas Alfredson. Music that gets him going is stuff like Hooded Fang, Warpaing, Pantera, Ghost B.C., and Die Antwoord (I really don't understand why so many people like them). "Drawing gives you a lot of time to listen to music, it must be hard to like drawing if you don't like music."

We end up this interview with his own FML-like anecdote: "I didn't want to take part in the annual school carnival. Officially, it was mandatory, so I had a brilliant plan: I wouldn't bring a costume! But I hadn't thought about my maths teacher, who had her heart set on seeing me in the parade so she set about making me a costume representing "the night", a garbage bag to be worn like a sweater and some charcoal for my face. I was thus good to go all around town with a smile!" Since then, he reckons he has a phobia of garbage bags, charcoal and math teachers.

So, thanks Alexandre for taking part in this week's illustrated FML section, it was a pleasure to have you with us. It's now time to go outside in the sunshine and live life in three dimensions. Before you do so, remember to go check out his illustrated FML. And remember to be excellent to each other. Talk to your neighbors in the street, in the fields, remember that other people are just as neurotic as you are, so don't be afraid. Make some friends. Be friendly. Be good. Have a great weekend.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to [email protected] but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1441 - Illustrated FML - On 03/28/2014 at 5:37am by Alan - 5 comments