Submit your FML story

  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
  • - CAUTION: Read your message over. Please don't use text language and avoid making too many spelling mistakes.
  • - Please note that spam and nonsensical stories will result in you being blocked from accessing FML.
Your nick:
Categories :
Man or woman?

Blog main page | RSS feed | All posts

Illustrated FML (276) - About FMyLife (39) - Videos (34) - Ramblings (15) - Books (9) - Competitions (6) - Special guests (6)

FML's guide to first dates

        Today, I was going on a first date with a girl I really like. We were going to see the new Harry Potter movie, and she told me she was getting all dressed up. It was only after I picked her up I realized she meant that she was dressing nicely. I was dressed as Harry Potter. FML

 
        Ah, dates, the dating world, meeting new people, getting to know more about people you’ve already been on a few dates with, then hoping to get lucky or at least get to first, second or if you’re really lucky third base and then a ride home. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, and it’s getting worse by the minute. "All the good ones are already taken" people say. People can be idiots like that, with their tired old clichés, but sometimes they can be right. But then again, they can also forget the FML factor that afflicts some of us. You know the ones, the unlucky souls amongst us who can’t seem to get anything right.


Not all first dates tend to go as well as this one.


        My worst first date started with one small mistake: just before leaving to meet her, I noticed that I’d missed a few whiskers while shaving, so I quickly dragged a dry razor across my cheeks, and rushed out of the front door. We met up in the rain, and made our way to the restaurant. Once inside, it became very clear that the place was hot and humid. I don’t do well in this sort of environment, and I start sweating profusely, partly from the heat and humidity, partly from nerves. Halfway through the stilted conversation, I left to go to the bathroom to freshen up and steady my nerves. Looking into the bathroom mirror, I realised that the impromptu shave had left two squarish red traces about an inch wide on each of my cheeks, making me look like a clown drawn by Picasso. I had two solutions, climb out of the bathroom window and flee into the rainy night, change my name and telephone number, or return into the dining room and pretend that I had “issues.” I did neither, and just plopped myself back at the table, admitting defeat and that I’d never see her naked.
 
        FML has a collection of similar horror stories about first dates, but also dates in general that have gone wrong. But first dates are the most stressful; you’ve met that person at the office, at school, at the supermarket, at the STD clinic, or anywhere you’ve managed to socialize. You’ve set up a date in a bar or on a park bench, and then you have to wait until it actually happens. And wait. And think of things to say. And wonder what’s going to happen. And get paranoid that you might say or do something stupid. But so many factors have to be taken into consideration. For example, first impressions are important:
 
        Today, I stepped outside to wait for a cute guy to arrive after arduously preparing for our first date. Just as he rounded the corner, I tripped over the last stair and landed headfirst into my mom's fresh pot of snapdragons. My mom uses compost and manure for her plants. FML
 
        Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying to be polite, I held in a fart until an intense, loud action scene came on. As soon as I let go, the scene went silent and my fart was clearly heard to everyone in the movie theatre. My date went to the bathroom. She didn't come back. FML
 
        It’s also important for the person you’re on a date with to behave themselves, but it seems it’s not always the case:
 
        Today, I went on my first date in nearly a year. A few minutes into the meal, he called me "scrumptious" and made animal noises for the rest of it. FML
 
        Today, I finally got the courage to go on a first date with this guy I had a crush on for months. It was such a big deal for me cause it was my first date ever. The first thing he says when we met was "I have to take a dump." I sat by myself for 10 minutes. FML
 
        Today, I found out that some men think it's ok to clip their fingernails, at the table, in a restaurant, on a first date. FML

        Sometimes, dates can be ruined by other people, especially family members:
 
        Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really like. He brought up that there was a person staring at us from a nearby table. That person was my mom. FML
 
        Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house to pick me up for our first date. As we were leaving, my father screams out "Do you still have diarrhea?" I don't have diarrhea. My dad thinks he's so funny. FML
 
        Today, my crush of over a year came over for me to take her on our first date. Today was also the day my drunken parents decided to dance the chicken dance in our front yard, naked. FML
 
        Of course, this shouldn’t deter us from trying again; first dates often turn into second dates, third dates, love, sex, commitment, IKEA furniture, lawns, kinky attire and much more. So, if something goes wrong, and you end up looking like a cubist clown in a sweaty restaurant, just kick back, enjoy the overpriced wine and play Boggle in your head. Maybe next time you’ll actually meet that special someone who doesn’t reach over to pull a hair from your head and use it to floss with, you’ll actually meet someone who makes you feel special, or just makes you feel yourself.
 
        No, I don't mean fiddle with your knob in public, that’s a terrible idea for a first date. I should know.

#1322 - About FMyLife - On 09/10/2012 at 3:45am by Alan/FML Team - 25 comments

Pierrotlefou's Illustrated FML

Hi there! So, back from your holidays? Back to school, back to work, got the blues? Here’s the antidote: have you seen/heard the South Korean LMFAO? He’s called PSY, he’s very well known in his homeland and he’s got over 100 million hits on Youtube with his now famous clip GANGNAM STYLE. Crazy video, a choreography your gran could do and catchy melody, it’s got it all. Stick it on, get in the mood, and carry on reading this article.

This week will prove that age is just a number because our artist is 16 years old. He’s called Pierre Caroff, alias Pierrotlefou. He lives in France and describes his life as thus: “I sleep and draw, but sometimes I do other stuff, like going to high school, going to the toilet, putting my shoes on and other more or less amusing things.” 

So, he’s funny too. “What I like to do when I draw cartoons is to evoke an emotion in the person reading. To imagine that I’m making someone laugh on the other side of France, or even making them indignant at the crapness of my work is amazing! It’s even possible that I stopped someone from committing suicide, or pushed someone to commit murder without even knowing it! Maybe it’s because of me that François Hollande became President, who knows? Anyway, I like to set off emotions in people, however small they are (the emotions, not the people).”

Pierre reckons he’s good at drawing but lacks time to do so, but will find it eventually. His main problem is “coming up with decent stories.” His wish being to get people to feel emotions, storylines are thus important. We can speculate that this will come with time, at his age, ideas are continually rushing from one thing to another.

For the time being, Pierre takes care of his blog and takes part in a fanzine called Loboto’zine, of which the next edition comes out this month. He also has another fanzine project but which is a long way away from completion. As for school, he expects to go towards graphics studies, all the while saying that it seems “far away.” Not that far, dear Pierre! Have a good school year, you and our dear readers by the way!

“My projects are to get my high school diploma first, then get a job that makes me lots of dollars, then get a big house with three swimming pools, then become king of the world, then the universe, but first my high school diploma. And as I said, I have a fanzine project, but the way I’m going about it, it seems that the first edition will appear in 2023 so…”

We’re in no hurry then. Let’s slowly move on to the next part.

Cats or dogs?
Seeing as I’ve got a dog, it would be a betrayal to say cats.

What are the latest things you enjoyed in movies, music, books and comics?
I haven’t seen many things at the movies I really liked recently, except for the last Batman movie, which was good, but not much more than that. I saw an older movie last week called “Welcome to Gattaca”, that was really excellent! I was expecting a B-movie, but wham! A masterpiece! As for comics, I’d say “The fabulous autobiographical adventures of John Relom” by Relom, of which I’m a fan, and also “Batman: the court of owls” is really good. Greg Capullo is a genius and kicks ass!

Who are the main artists you appreciate and whose blogs you visit frequently?
Most of them don’t have a blog, but those that do would be Larcenet, Boulet of course, O.Texier, Eric Salch, Obion. Others too, but these guys are really good.

Tell us what you like in life, your pastimes, vices, and little everyday pleasures.
I like cassoulet, caramel, adding a figurine to my collection or a comic book to my library, I like Uncle Scrooge, zombies, car boot sales, I like finishing a drawing, I like ugly people.

Tell us a rubbish joke. You can also tell us your own FML instead.
- Do you know the joke about the guy in the toilet? No?
- Me neither, he’d locked the door!

Do you have a phobia? If so, what is it?
Yes, a huge one. I’m very afraid of heights. This year in gym class I had to climb up something, and the teacher wouldn’t take into account the poor saps like me who had vertigo! So as a result I tried to climb like a weakling but I couldn’t help it. The mark depended on how high we managed to get. Then all of a sudden, gnrrraaahhh! It’s unfair. Is there no justice in this world?

There, that’s a bit of an FML isn’t it?

To finish off, ask yourself a question you would like to have been asked, and up to you to answer it or not.
Do you like bread?
Yes! Gnyahahahahahahahhahahaaa!

 

To see this week’s illustrated FML, click here.

 

I hope you’ve enjoyed this little presentation and the illustrated FML. We’ll go our separate ways with a video from the vaults. I don’t like dubstep, but I like the way this guy moves his body. I think you will too. See you next week!

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DA. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#1321 - Illustrated FML - On 09/07/2012 at 8:13pm by Julien - 0 comments

The FML surname

Oh no, God why, we're all doomed, it's happening, AGAIN, it's here, AGAIN, let's face it dear readers, September is back. Sure, it's time for short dresses vs. knee-high socks and scarfs, but even that doesn't help. September means October, and October means November, and November doesn't mean anything but wind, runny noses, cold-but-no-snow and eventually, death. I'm not pessimistic, I'm being realistic. Summer is leaving us, without much of a warning, even worse, by text message. We all received it this morning: "It's not you, it's me, it's better that way, plus autumn is making eyes at you, he's totally into you, you'll be a great couple." Damn, how much I miss summer already. Let's warm our cold hearts by interviewing today's artist!

 

-Sooooo, what's your name, surname, nickname?
-My name is Luba Pacyga and I'm still waiting on a nickname.

-We can try to find you one right now if you want.
-I think I'll wait until I earn one somewhere!

-Too bad, "Honey bear" would suit you. How old are you?
-I do like honey. I'm 20.

-Where do you live?
-I live in Seattle, Washington

-What do you do for a living?
-I work at a hair salon: assisting, working on clients, organizing . . .

-I have to ask you: how are you hair right now?
-Right now it's still wet! It's going to be colorful and covered in glitter later because I'm going dancing tonight. Well, it's kind of a rave actually.

-So tell us more about your DA account.
I first created a deviant art account when I saw some friends using it and it looked fun. I created an Etsy account when I went on a jewelry-making rampage. I made too many pieces of jewelry (even considering upcoming holidays), so I decided to sell them. Right now, I do not have anything for sale (not for long). I have been preoccupied with other activities. Normally, I sell organ jewelry, circuit board jewelry, and chainmaille jewelry. 

-A lot of people we've welcomed on FML are willing to become full-time artists, would that be your dream too?
-That would be nice! I do like my current job, but working from home as an artist would be fun as well. Although, many artists accept commissions and I hardly ever do that. There needs to be intrinsic motivation.

-What are your next projects?
-I'm working on a chewing gum "painting." After that there will be more jewelry. I would also like to try illustrating another FML, if possible. I had a lot of fun making that thing.

 

-What's your journey ?
-An art journey? I have been making art for as long as I can remember, mostly sculptures and paintings. I started making jewelry when I was 15. This is my first comic-style art project. 

-What are your inspirations ?
-It can be anything. Maybe other people's art or feeling awake. Sometimes I just get an image in my head.

-Do you read webcomics ? If so, which ones ?
-No, not really. If I happen to see something interesting on deviant art, I will look at it. 

-Why did you choose this FML story ?
-I thought of alternative reasons for why the guy might say, "Yes, Brittany." It seemed funny to change the image of his sister from an adult that he might be having an unconventional relationship with to a kid that is not aware of what her brother is doing. The other FML stories did not give me an image like that.

 

 

And yes, Luba is making awesome jewelry that she sells right here. Get in touch with her, she'll be pleased to make you one of her creations. Also, Luba is a painter, but her paintings are not for everyone, this is why there's no images in this article. But go on and check her DA account! 

 

 

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 

 

Luba's DA! Warning: it's PG-17 rated!http://divulged.deviantart.com/

 

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DA. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do! 

 

 

#1318 - Illustrated FML - On 08/31/2012 at 1:57pm by Alice - 0 comments

Caroline Guillot's Illustrated FML

 

Hello everyone! We’re back for the latest installment in the continuing saga of the illustrated FMLs. This week, we’re totally relaxed. We’re chilling, we’re grooving, and we like to think of ourselves as totally open-minded. But wait a second; aren’t all babies supposed to be cute? What’s up with this little guy?

Let’s get started. She’s 29, lives in Paris; she’s an author-illustrator and goes by the name Catherine Guillot. She also has two websites: Chickens and Peas and Trash Cancan.

When asked what she likes, her reply is very poetic and straightforward: “Leaving my house with a bunch of crayons, telling myself that I’m off to work.” If that’s not enough to tell you that she really enjoys what she does, all you have to do is ask her what’s missing from her life. “Let’s see… no management, I set my own timetable, I’m working on stuff that I love, I have a workshop in the middle of Paris that I share with some really nice people, coffee on tap, cold beer down the street… I would probably be called rude names if I said that something was missing.” Seems clear enough to us.

He latest news involves two books that are in production, but she can’t talk about them unfortunately. She’s working on projects that will keep her busy night and day as of September, including games, cartoons, books, etc.

“To get to where I am, school took up a lot of time, because I had to find my way. I did an applied arts diploma, then several others in sculpture, design and environments, a Masters degree in interactive multimedia to wind up as an illustrator! Go try to find a link in amongst all that… Work-wise the journey was a lot quicker. I worked for a web agency as a graphic designer. One day I was asked to take care of a blog for some clients, and after understanding the ins and outs, I went on to live my life as a solo blogger.”

And Caroline is good at it! She’s deserved the right to answer the second part of the famous FML interview.

Cats or dogs?
Cats, definitely… I’m even planning to open a purr-therapy bar in a next life.

What’s the latest things that grabbed your attention at the movies, in music, books and comics?
Nothing much in movies, but I have great hopes for Rebel. As for the rest I love Les Tistics, Joseph Campbell is teaching me to screenwrite and Florent Chavouet knocks me out with his albums created with crayons.

Who are the main artists you appreciate and whose blogs you visit regularly?
Trying to be original, I’ll say Boulet and Bastien Vivès. There’s also Guillaume Long.

What do you enjoy in life, your passions, pastimes, and vices, your everyday pleasures?
Everything, I like everything. I think I can get pleasure by taking a cruise amongst the albino seals of Patagonia in the middle of winter, or by being given a book about Dodo taxidermy written in Latin.

Do you have a phobia? If so, what is it?
Everything, I’m afraid of everything. It’s so bad that I’m not allowed to see certain movies that could be too frightening and could give me nightmares. And I’m talking really scary movies like Harry Potter, The Little Mermaid or even Batman.

To finish off, ask yourself a question you would’ve liked to have been asked, and then up to you whether to answer it or not.
What are you doing for your holidays? I’d rather not reply, I’d get depressed.

 

To see this week’s illustrated FML, click here.

 

Not too bad for this week. Right, time for some videos and then we’ll be off, we reckon you’ve got some things to be doing, like putting away your summer stuff. Or winter stuff if you’re in the southern hemisphere. Yes, FML is global. We love you all, all over. Yes, erm, so, videos: Have you ever seen a crying baby be pacified by rap music? Now you have. Meanwhile, Katy Perry is playing the flute. Or is she? See you next week!

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DA. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

 

#1317 - Illustrated FML - On 08/24/2012 at 11:54am by Julien - 1 comments

151 FML

We all have our favorite Pokemon team. Mine? Charizard, Pikachu, Scyther, Mew, Magikarp and Snorlax. Those were the real Pokemon, I mean, how a Tepig can compete with a Squirtle? If you're (old enough) the type of person who likes things the way it was before the yellow version of the greatest game of all time, this article is for you. If you're not, well, we still love you and this article is also for you. Go read'em all!

 

 

-What are your name, surname and nickame? And why did you choose this nickname?
-My name is Monica Ekabutr and I think I'm spelling that right. My username for my artsier sites is eelhips. I came up with it by looking up old 1950's sayings like "the bee's knees" and I came across "eel hips"  and it made me laugh. Most usernames I pick were decided because they make me laugh. I mean, I'm not sure if it was used to describe a good thing or an insult. Either way, I think I have to go by a surname and eelhips is way easier to pronounce than my last name.

-How old are you?
-I'm 23.

-Where do you live?
-I'm currently a desert dwelling native of Arizona but I'll soon be in Valencia, California for school at CalArts.

-What's your job?
-My job is to work on my various art projects and do something that contributes to my main goals everyday. Which could also be known as being straight up unemployed. 

-What's your journey?
-My journey's route has changed slightly over the past few years--all relating to the end goal of being paid for art. I've always had a passion for drawing and knew that making art is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I've always loved to tell stories through my art and there was a point in my life where I wanted to be a comic creator. I read a lot of comics growing up and in high school I became a huge fan of comedians. So I kinda loved every definition of the word "comic". Later when I entered college and I finally had a choice to learn about more topics and I allowed myself to explore my other interests such as fictional and script writing, improv and stand up comedy. I would eventually come back to my love of drawing and discovered that I could combine my new-found talents to fit into one occupation--and that was animation. It all seemed to click from there and I animated a short to make sure that I could handle the grueling redundancy of drawing frame by frame. Turns out I kinda enjoy it. My main goal through all of this is to be good enough to animate my idea to pitch it and ultimately be the creator and director of my own 2-D animated show.

 

 

-What are your inspirations?
-I'm really inspired by fantastical imagery with whimsical subjects and odd, bright color choices like those seen in comics. I was really into the whole anime/manga scene growing up. Sailor Moon inspired me to draw and create magical girl stories of my own. I dug how the Japanese pushed the definition of the mediums and told whimsical or mature stories I wasn't getting from anywhere else. A current inspiration is Pendleton Ward's Adventure Time. It's exactly what I think a kid's cartoon should be. I'm also pretty inspired by video games and the feeling I got as a kid while playing them. 

-Do you read webcomics? If so, which ones?
-Perry Bible Fellowship is a classic. Not only is the humor there but I like the perspectives he choose to write from as well as the different art styles he experimented with. Currently I follow Kate Beaton's work along with Madeleine Flores' and Adam Muto's Tall Penguin. I've also been reading Hitmen for Destiny recommended by Pendleton Ward at some panel for Adventure Time I saw on youtube. It all seems nonsensical at first but I got completely sucked in. If you can get past the art style (I grew to kinda love it) it's the most fun and unique webcomic I've ever read.

 

 

-Tell me more about your website and the creations you're selling?
-I created my Tumblr site because it's 2012 and who will know of my existence without one? Tumblr's actually a great tool for emerging artists. I get almost instant feedback when I post something and one of my comics got 16k+ notes on there. So I've gotten a lot of love from the Tumblr community. As far as my creations on Etsy goes, it's mostly a challenge to me--a challenge to see if complete strangers think the stuff I doodle up is worth them giving their money to me. In retrospect, it does sound like a crazy thing to want. But people have given me positive feedback by writing nice things on my Facebook artist page and purchasing my prints on Etsy. Illustrating is just another outlet to share my stories. Honestly, I'd love to be able to be some sort of illustrator on the side and sell prints of my work and I would love to contribute to a gallery like Gallery 1988 (which does a lot of pop culture related group shows) because just sitting down and making a drawing still feels good to me.

-Why did you choose this FML story?
-I choose this FML story because I respect this fella for reppin' the originals. The 151 are the eelhips, man.

 

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 

 

Monica's webcomic : http://flavors.me/ekabutr

 

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DA. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do! 

 

#1316 - Illustrated FML - On 08/23/2012 at 6:26pm by Alice - 1 comments


FML's blog

  • Malec's illustrated FML
  • Life is like a box of chocolate full of piece of rabbit droppings sometimes, isn't it? OK, I'll admit that's a weird way to start an article a few days before Christmas. Let me explain: you try and get…

Friday 12 December 2014

The whole blog

FMyLife, world tour

Available on: