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Illustrated FML (292) - About FMyLife (47) - Videos (34) - Ramblings (16) - Books (9) - Competitions (6) - Special guests (6)

FML's Harrowing Halloween

I was a teenage werewolf. No, not really, I was a teenage twit with acne and a bad haircut, but I’m guessing being a teenage werewolf was a bit more fun than my own ghastly condition. It certainly seems so, judging on the goings-on in the classic movie of that name. Anyway, as you may or may not know according to much you enjoy dressing up as a bat or a slutty gravedigger, it’s Halloween. In celebration of the agoraphobic pedophile’s favourite day, here at FML we’ve got an endless list of horror movies, scary situations and monsters that strike fear and unwanted urine ejection in even the most calm and collected person. 

Today, I was called to a house for a devil possession. I wound up getting covered in a young girl’s pea-green vomit and told that my mother is sucking cocks in hell. I need a new career. FML

Sent in by Father Karras

OK, I made that one up, sort of. This is from ‘The Exorcist’, the classic horror movie from the 70s. What could be more of an FML than being on the business end of a hissy fit from the Devil himself, set to Mike Oldfield’s wonderful ‘Tubular Bells'?

I already wrote an article about Halloween last year, with many examples of FMLs (click here to read it if you haven’t already), so I’m not going to do that again. Besides, I’m a bit frightened of Halloween. Well, not exactly frightened, more suspicious. I’m not saying I’ve become superstitious or anything, but last year’s Halloween was pretty rubbish for me. After I’d posted the article, I went out to a Halloween-themed party in a nice English pub in the south of France. I hadn’t worn a costume because I look pretty strange on the best of days so I was counting on my natural features being odd enough to let me off the hook with regards to the mandatory scary costume. The pub was decked out in all the classic Halloween trimmings and looked great; the staff were all in full costume and it’s owned by two of the most charming landladies ever so they all looked great, and the turn out was pretty impressive. I met up with my friends, and all was OK. Unfortunately for me, the night was about to turn a bit sour. Or should I say “bitter”, because beer then started flowing freely down my gullet as I tried to wash away the pain of being a sad sack single man who lives with two domineering cats. Everything was going fine up until closing time, and I got back to my place. Now, I know that drinking booze is not big, and it’s not clever, but I enjoy it so sue me. No, don’t sue me, please, I'm poor. 

Walking home, the streets were spinning around and I managed to push my sleeping cats out of the way and crawl into bed, alone again, naturally. Flashback to a couple of years before: I’d had surgery done to my nose due to a deviated septum, and one of the drawbacks of this procedure meant that I got a load of nosebleeds afterwards, which required me going back to hospital to get it fixed again and again. Back to present day: I fall asleep in my inebriated state only to wake up in the middle of the night with a nosebleed. I start to panic, thinking, due to my booze intake, that I’d have to go back to hospital to get it patched up, so I rush into the bathroom. For some reason, I decide to put my nose over the bathtub to avoid getting blood everywhere, and in my haste I hoist one foot over the side of the tub a bit too quickly. I slip, due having missed the bottom of the tub, my ankle goes "crack", I go crashing into the wall, smashing my nose in the process, then fall backwards onto the sink, hitting the floor like a sack of drunken potatoes. I decide to call it a night, and crawl into bed.

The next morning, my right ankle was killing me. I hobble about, crashing into the walls and doorframes, avoiding the cats who are typically terrified of anything out of the ordinary, so they’re hissing at me while I’m swearing at myself. Thinking I’d sprained it, I start calling doctors, but the 1st of November is a holiday in France, so nobody is available. I manage to get hold of a friend who takes me to hospital: one X-ray later, I’m told that I have broken my ankle and need to have an operation to get it fixed. The next morning, they knock me out and put metal parts into my bones to hold it together, telling me that I have to stay on crutches for a month and a half. The upside is I get to take some morphine home with me, but a limited supply and I’m in pain and very embarrassed about the whole thing. Remember, this happened on Halloween night. Was I cursed? Had I been staring at a witch’s cleavage for too long in the pub and she put a spell on me? Or was it just my fault for drinking beer? In any case, I spent 45 days in discomfort, hobbling about my apartment, having food delivered to me and having to get injections every day to avoid bedsores.

It made me realise that living alone can get pretty depressing if you can’t get about, stand up to cook meth or even go out to buy a newspaper. I won’t start getting all philosophical about the meaninglessness of life, love and how fragile we all are when faced with a slippery surface, I’ll just say to everyone to be careful when getting into a bathtub on Halloween. Oh, and extra bang to my FML here is that since I was an idiot and told everyone I know about what happened, now I can't get away from jokes about bathtubs. I'm a bathroom health hazard. I'm constantly reminded that I fell over and broke my ankle due to a bloody nose and a tub. 

That is all. Now go out and enjoy yourselves, it’s later than you think. This year, I'm spending Halloween dressed as the invisible man. As in, I'm not going to any parties or any social gatherings where the curse could strike again. Bring me some chocolate back; I’m staying home tonight to avoid spells, further injuries and humiliation.

 

#1414 - Ramblings - On 10/31/2013 at 10:07am by Alan - 23 comments

Clairikine's illustrated FML

Hi gang! This week’s illustration is brought to you from Berlin, via Lyon, Stockholm and many more. It was created by Claire Webster, AKA Clarikine, who is 26 and ¾, and as you can tell, she’s a bit of a nomad. As she states, “I constantly navigate between different cultures, different communities and different languages, and that all ends up in my comics.”

She likes switching between different tasks and workplaces. “There’s a part of me that is still 9-years-old and jumps up and down whenever I settle down to draw.” She would however like to have 36-hour-long days.

At the moment, she’s getting ready for the Berlin Zinefest and she’s also working on an order, which is Franco-German themed.

She went to school in Lyon in France, studied German, and then moved to Nantes to study international communication, and then a German town called Görlitz. Berlin next, where she ended up working in customer services, all the while honing her drawing skills. Since then she’s freelanced her way around the circuit.

Her main projects for the moment are the second part of her autobiographical comic book “Master of Survival”, which tell the tale of her first 9 months in Berlin. It should eventually become a book. “I’m also working on “Noémie, there and back”, a comic book musical project that I’m doing with Sarah Ehrenholz. It’s about an awkward teen who goes on a school trip to Germany. The idea is to "create a hybrid object with the comic telling the story and the music as accompaniment.” She’s also working on a webcomic about her caracters Anaé and Sasha, who were created between two lessons.

Right, onto the next part of the interview, the quickfire round!

Cats or dogs?

I prefer cats, by far. A cat can live its life, without asking you for anything, just a few biscuits every morning. A bit like me.

What were the latest things that you liked in movies, music, books and comics?

I don’t often go to the movies, due lack of time and money, so I’m more into TV shows. The latest one I liked was Elementary, the American adaptation of Sherlock Holmes. In music, I really liked the new Arctic Monkeys album, which managed to replace the last Tegan and Sara album as the album I most played to my roommates. I also recommend the new Phia single, who is from Berlin, as well as “All the way thru” by JD Samson & Men. As for books, I’ve just finished Max Dubinsky’s writings, an American author who drove around the States looking for God. In fact, I used his stories about homeless people as inspiration to illustrate this FML. For comics, see below.

Who are the main artists you appreciate, and whose blogs you check out regularly?

For the past 4 or 5 years I’ve been fixated on the Portland scene, in particular the work of Erika Moen and Natalie Nourigat. They gave me they impulsion to talk about my own life in comic book form. Through Erika Moen I discovered Lucky Knisley’s work, whose work is autobiographical too, and Sam Orchard as well, who draws a comic called “Rooster Tails” about his life as a trans man* in New Zealand. And finally, via the Periscope studio in Portland I came across the work of Lucy Bellwood, an artist who draws ships and whose motivation is 100% contagious. Other than that, I read Octopus Pie, Girls with Slingshots, Nimona, and Kate or Die.

Tell us what you enjoy in life, your passions, pastimes, vices and everyday pleasures.

I enjoy cycling around the city, around the Siegessäule, le column to the west of the Brandenburg gate. It reminds me that victory is close. Other than that I like cooking and watching TV shows with my roommates, the Feierabendbier (the beer drunk after work) and long walks with an iPod and a sweater. I write in an almost compulsive manner since school in a notebook that I carry everywhere.

Tell us a crap joke. Or failing that, tell us your worst FML.

I couldn’t get in touch with my friend Apolide (not his real name) so that he could give me a crap joke, so here’s my FML:

Today, my first day at a new job. My boss comes to my office to say hello. As we are shaking hands, I introduce myself: Frau Webster. He replies, “Thanks, you too.” He thought I was wishing him a happy new year in German. FML

Do you have a phobia? If so, what is it?

I have the phobia that my phobias will happen if I talk about them on the Internet.

To finish off, ask yourself a question you would’ve liked to have been asked, and then answer it if you want.

Q: Is there anyone in the audience you would like to say hello to?

A: Yes, my parents, my brother and my sister. “I’m not quite dead! I’m getting better!” Thanks!

 

And to see Clairikine's illustrated FML, click here!

 

That's it for this week. We're off to party the night away, and we hope that you are going to do the same. Take care and as always, be excellent to each other.

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

 

 

#1413 - Illustrated FML - On 10/25/2013 at 8:05am by FML - 14 comments

Philgreff's Illustrated FML

Holy birth control Batman, what a week it has been! The shutdown in the US, Parks and Recreation celebrated its 100th episode and Kitchens of Distinction have released a new album after a 20-odd year hiatus, and it's quite wonderful. Oh, and some other stuff happened all over the world where a lot of people disagreed with one another. Typical people.

Anyway, we’re here to present a new illustration to you, and this week it’s yet again another crossover with our French counterparts over at VDM. Let’s get down to business.

So, who is this guy? Well, his real name is Philippe Greffard, but goes by the moniker Philgreff. He’s 48 and lives somewhere in the sticks in France. He’s not currently up to much, being on “stand-by” as he puts it. He was formerly a letters painter for signs then a History and Geography teacher. He’s also done a ton of odd jobs. This situation leaves him lots of spare time to do what he has always done: draw. He would like some money thrown at him though…

What’s his latest news? “I’ve self-published three books through “Thebookedition”: a compilation of funny drawings called ‘That morning the traffic was heavy’, a comic book report about the 2012 Hellfest called ‘A day inside the festival from Hell’ and a compilation of short comics that appeared on my blog, called ‘Opus incertum’. At the moment I’m working on a children’s book.”

His school days? “I stopped high school early, but I went to college later in life, when I was in my thirties. Professionally I’ve had several lives, painter, teacher… I was a popular teacher but I still ended up cracking under the pressure.”

His main projects now all involve drawing, and finding a small job to pay the bills.

We'll now move on to the next part of the interview, the Q&A section.

Cats or dogs?

Cats! I’d like to be reincarnated into a big fat neutered cat in a posh house, spending my days scratching my head by a fireplace.

What are the latest things you enjoyed in movies, music, books and comics?

I haven’t been to see a movie for ages, but I really like the Coen brothers (my favorite film is “The Big Lebovski”). I read a lot; I loved ‘1Q84’ by Murakami. As for music I like blues-rock, at the moment I’m listening to a lot of Rory Gallagher and Blackberry Smoke. And I always have time to read the comic book “Back to earth” by Manu Larcenet and Jean-Yves Ferri.

Who are the main artists you like and whose blogs you check out regularly?

There are many, it’s hard to select any of them, but a big shout out to MC and Ztnarf, my colleagues at 30 days of Comics that I see like the Moebius and Franquin of the 21st century. And also Zugho and his very original universe.

Tell us what you enjoy in life, your passions, pastimes, vices and everyday pleasures.

I like rock, the sort that contains blues in it, a bit of basic “guitar, bass and drums”. Besides drawing, I also paint and play the guitar (very very badly). My little pleasures are also my vices: Belgian beer and American cigarette.

Can you tell us a joke, or failing that, your own personal FML.

Today (a few years ago really), I came home to see in the living room a twig, like a little statuette. Intrigued, I picked it up, and it was in fact a piece of cat shit. For my dwindling eyesight and sense of smell, FML.

Do you have a phobia? If so, what is it?

Actually, I’m afraid of everything… It’s quite unbearable!

To finish off, ask yourself a question you would’ve liked to have been asked, and then answer it if you wish.

“Would you like it if we gave you loads of money to stay at home and draw, listen to rock music and drink beer?” “Oh, yes please, thanks!”

 

And to see Philgreff's Illustrated FML, click here!

 

Nice guy. Nice drawing. So that’s it for another week. Next week we’ll be investigating what is in Area 51 while asking ourselves whether we’ll ever all be able to get along, as humans living in perfect harmony. No, not really. But until then, be excellent to each other.

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#1412 - Illustrated FML - On 10/18/2013 at 10:37am by FML - 7 comments

Dan Jones' illustrated FML

Gooooooood morning! What a great day don't you think? I'm in a great mood, I won't deny it. Let's be honest, how could I be sulking in a corner when today we're hosting one of the most talented webartists? Plus, Dan Jones is not only one hell of an artist who only publishes his art and then leaves you with no explanation, he also gives you gifs at every step of the creation. If you'd like to become an artist yourself or if you're just curious, it's more than pleasing to the eye. Let's start this interview, shall we?

 

-What are your name, surname and nickname?
-My Name is Dan Jones, and use the Nickname "CauseImDanJones" for anything on the internet. The name came from high school, though my friends called me DJ at the time. Whenever I would do something random, or stupid even, and someone would ask me, "Why did you do that?" I would come back with, "'Cause I'm DJ" and after college everyone started to call me Dan Jones, so it just changed to that!

-How old are you?
-I just turned 25 in August!

-Where do you live?
-I currently live in Orlando, Florida. Though I'm not sure how long I'll stay here! I've lived in Florida my whole life, and I think it's about time for a change.




-What's your job?
-I work full-time as a freelance artist at the moment, but I'm always keeping an eye out for any job openings where I could work in a studio alongside other creative folk!

-What's your journey?
-My journey is to enjoy life, and further myself and my art so that people can be entertained my work! 

-What are your inspirations?
-Heh I'm gonna combine these two questions into one. Webcomics are a huge inspiration to me, and are honestly the main reason for pursuing art in the first place! I really admire someone who can put out a steady flow of work, simply for others to enjoy. While there can be a career in webcomics, I'm still amazed with some of the content other artists release for people to read! Also my list of Webcomics is very long, but some of my current favorites are Johnny Wander, Paranatural, Fanboys, Boxer Hockey, and Ava's Demon. I'm always looking for new webcomics to read so let me know if there are any hidden gems out there! 


-Tell us more about "Scribe".
-I actually just started my own webcomic titled "Scribe." I've had so many stories I've wanted to turn into comics, but developing Scribe has been my main focus over the past few years, and I'm so happy to finally be working on the actual pages! As for why I created it, I simply want to share this story with others! It would be a dream to someday release printed books of the comic, but one step at a time for now!

-How do you work?
-I work from home, and I mainly use Photoshop for most of my work. Every now and then I'll turn to Paint Tool SAI, and Manga Studio if a project calls for it. I also upgraded to a 24HD Cintiq this past year after using a 4x6" Intuos 3 tablet for a few years.

-Why did you choose this FML story?
-I chose this story simply because it was hilarious and super depressing at the same time hahaha.

 

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 


Dan's Tumblr: http://causeimdanjones.tumblr.com/

 

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#1411 - Illustrated FML - On 10/10/2013 at 1:30pm by Alice - 10 comments

Online Dating with FML

     The world is a scary place. Every day you wake up and you’re confronted with the same old terrifying ordeals. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got to the point where my first reaction when opening my eyes in the morning is to emit a bloodcurdling howl while grabbing hold of my genitals, and then fleeing to the bathroom to check my reflection to see if I’m still human. I once read that Kafka novel about the bloke who turns into a massive beetle, and I’m still not sure that it’s not going to happen to me, although I’ve had hangovers that have come pretty close.

     To find some sort of self-validation, we get ourselves entangled in relationships with other humans (because relationships with beetles are pretty dull, and they never want to go down the pub or eat anything other than stuff from behind the oven), but finding other humans in these modern times is like trying to find a fart in a bubble bath. It’s nigh on impossible by conventional means. Going up to strangers in the street can get you a smack in the head. So what do we do, as a collective mass of cattle? We turn to the Internet.

Today, I met a really nice couple at a bar. We talked and the conversation eventually drifted towards online dating. I casually commented that hooking up through the Internet was sad and pathetic. Turns out they met on Myspace. FML

     The effin’ Internet. The place where dreams not only go to die, but then become pixel-shaped zombies that haunt you forever. It’s a great way to get into contact with someone on the other side of the world, to find out what they are having for breakfast, or to offer them the chance to become a mail-order bride. And that’s what we do now. We sit at home, typing away, staring at a screen, hoping for some sort of redemption through virtual love, only to wind up pouring money into some sort of scam where you think you’re going to meet Olga, the beautiful Russian maiden from Moscow, but in fact you’re probably going to get a brick through your window if you even think of calling the police.

     Here on FML, we get a lot of stories about Internet dating. Or lack of it.

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. After completing their personality quiz, I set the distance to a 60 mile radius of where I live. Then to the country. Then to the whole world. I got no matches for any of the settings. FML

     I’m guessing that if you’re on FML, you’re probably a bit a loner; you live with cats. You have one of those Peruvian hats that covers your ears that you bought one day when the wind was quite nippy. You don’t like going out to fashionable nightspots because you can’t hear what people are saying over that shitty music. You have too many sad pop music recordings… Oh, hang on, that’s not you, that’s me. Anyway, maybe you’re like me. But I’m guessing that maybe you’ve tried online dating, maybe even a dating website. I have. It was awful. I can smile about it now but at the time it was terrible. A lot of people out there are weirder than you could ever imagine.

Today, I was excited for my first date in a while, with a "tall handsome business man." Turns out he "doesn't feel emotions anymore", likes getting peed on, and "doesn't do condoms." Thanks, Internet dating. FML

     I’ve been there, sort of. Nothing as bad. But enough to make me want to give up. The Carpenters sang the wonderful “Goodbye to love”. I’d rather sing something along the lines of “Goodbye to Internet weirdoes”. A lot of people around me have the same sort of horror stories to tell. It’s like the Internet dating pool is a holding pen for the worst kind of individual: sexist idiots, crazy-eyed single mums, lonely, deluded people who are looking for an impossible ideal mate, My Little Pony fans, ego-driven nitwits with an over-inflated self-worth for whom no one will ever do (except mummy or daddy, hello Freud), people who find it acceptable to fart on a first date, people who will reject you for the most ridiculous reason (wrong hair colour, religion, car, boots, pets, attitude to cycle lanes…). It’s a twisted world out there.

Today, I went on a date with a seemingly nice guy I met online. He was drunk when I got there. Within the first 10 minutes, he had told me I was "like Hitler but with boobs", and I was "offensive to the ninja community." Then he said I just wasn't all he had hoped for and left. FML

     The Internet is obviously scam-central. Be warned: people are out to get you. No need to be totally paranoid, just a little bit wary. Don’t sign anything. Don’t give your credit card details. Don’t be an idiot. Keep an eye out for the signs.

Today, I overheard my mother Skyping with her new "boyfriend" about the $1,000 she just sent him. She barely knew what Internet dating was three weeks ago. FML

     The obvious traps are obvious. You should get to know the people online properly first before meeting them. Otherwise, this might happen:

Today, I decided to go meet up with a guy that I met online for the first time. All he could talk about was how he expects me to "clean, cook, and submit" my body for sex at least twice a day when we get married. FML

     If you stay true to yourself, talk openly and are honest, you should be OK. Despite crap experiences, I’ve met some wonderful people via the Internet. You just have to make sure you’re not talking to a complete nutcase by asking the right questions. If they start talking about their snow-globe collection or they mention Jesus every 10 words, you might be in trouble. It’s probably best to pretend that you have to go abroad to dig tunnels in a desert. However, writing to someone can strip away the superficial crap; it can bring out the best in people. The hardest part is sustaining the momentum when you meet in person. If you sparkle in writing but have the body language of a telegraph pole, you’re in trouble. But that’s a subject for another article. For now, you can use FML’s PM system to meet new people and engage in thoughtful conversations. Just don’t go hitting on people by asking them questions about their genitals. Not straight away.

#1410 - Ramblings - On 10/08/2013 at 10:02am by Alan - 59 comments


FML's blog

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