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Illustrated FML (337) - About FMyLife (94) - Videos (34) - Ramblings (18) - Books (9) - Special guests (8) - Pictures (8) - Competitions (6)

Essa's illustrated FML

Yesterday was labor day in the US. FML is international, and and specifically US-centric, but we still sat around doing nothing because we'll take any excuse to do anything. We'll endorse any national vacation, religious holiday or ritual cleansing as an excuse to shirk or responsibilities. So the illustrated FML is being posted on a Saturday instead of a Friday, just because yesterday we were all sat around smoking doobies while listening to Pink Floyd and Kraftwerk in our undercrackers. We do work 365 days a year to provide you with shits and giggles though, because FMLs are posted each and every single day of the year. Yes, there are 365 days in a year, most years. So even on your birthday, we post FMLs. You're welcome. This week, we're delving into the murky underworld of pets and the assholes that they are. I know from whence I speak, because right now, a medium-sized cat is grizzling at me for no apparent reason from my lap, and making it hard for me to think of things to type. So let's move on.


"I'm the sort of person who tries to do a thousand things at once! And take the time to do my perineal re-education, as well..."

Self-portrait Essa par Essa


So, it was labor day. The good/bad excuse to do celebrate work by doing not a lot. But Essa doesn't hang around doing nothing. Let's take a look. 

Her info:
Age: 32
Location: Chartres, France
WebsiteSur un coin de page
Her illustrated FML: The one with the poo

Essa is her real name, I think. She does seem to have used to pseudonym, but then again, she might not have told me her real name. So she might be Batman, or Supergirl. In any case, in everyday life she's "an illustrator, but most of all the mother of 4 children for the moment." I don't know if that means that she intends on making more children, or if she's thinking of being something else than an illustrator, or both. "I was born with a pencil in one hand and a book in the other. I love creating, projects, dreaming and the discipline the job requires! I essentially work in the evenings, if not at night, as I'm a mother and a developing illustrator, I have to face up to challenges and better myself, and I love it!" Working on illustrations surrounded by 4 kids must be quite difficult, especially if they want to take part, but as a source of inspiration they must be great (cf. Bénédicte's interview, more of whom later in the month). 

How did Essa get to where she is today ? "I did a high school diploma in art, I went to college, which I found deeply boring, and I quickly entered the job market as a salesperson in luxury items, then a waitress, then hostess in an agency in Paris. It was my longest experience, but also the most fulfilling and stimulating! But the pace between work and home was exhausting, I was very frustrated because I wasn't totally there for my kids. And there was a sense of unfulfillment with regards to illustrating, I've got it my blood, it became obvious that I should give it a shot !" And what a great thing she did, because just looking at her illustrated FML and her blog, you can see that she's got talent, and can draw in several styles with ease. I was impressed enough to give her a gig on FML anyway.

As for her current news, she's quite the mother hen, but not just that : "I'm on a parental break, so my day is mainly focused on my 4 kids, but I also work on personal project, writing articles for webzines, orders from various people and I take part in reading committees. But I'm open to any offers." As usual, this column is a platform to advertise our illustrators, so if anyone needs Essa to illustrate something, don't hesitate to get in touch. She's got talent and imagination. As for her projects, she wants to, "continue to develop in my domain, to perfect myself, learn other languages and learn stuff! I love to learn, by any means necessary." 

Usual question: did something or someone make you want to draw?  "Disney's "The Little Mermaid". I cried from the emotion when I saw it at the movies, I was literally moved. I left the theatre saying, "THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO!"" But... if you were literally moved, could you still see the screen? OK, sorry, shite joke. I just have a pet peeve about people who misuse the word "literally". You're literally using it in the opposite way it's supposed to be used. In any case, Disney will have launched loads of careers. The amount of mediocre rappers who have stolen their look from the Genie out of Aladdin is beyond the pale.

What do you enjoy in life? "Ah, I love life! I savour if, I bite into it, I get joy out of many things, I laugh a lot, often and everywhere! And there are 2 big things which take up a big place in my life: animal rights and spirituality. I've always been shocked and horrified by the suffering of animals. I've always picked up the distressed animals I've come across. Now, I've got 3 cats and 2 dogs, all rescues, and if I could, I'd have many more. And I'm really interested by a subject that's quite taboo and ridiculed (which is a shame): the survival of the soul of matter and the possibility of existence on other plains of consciousness, a vast and serious subject, despite what people might say..." Indeed. I must admit that it's not a subject that we come across very often in this blog, but then again I have trouble remaining serious about anything, except maybe the horrible day when Marathon became Snickers (people in the UK know what I'm talking about). As for animals, I can totally agree, since I'm mind-controlled by two cats who have set up residence in my house. 

Do you have a personal FML to share? "I have a big flaw: I'm always late for appointments. It seems that I have a mistaken appreciation of the passing of time, I don't know where I am, and no matter how hard I try, I always turn up late. Today, I have an appointment with the neurologist, it's an important appointment and I had trouble getting it. I get there right on time, almost 5 minutes early. Proud of myself, I present myself at the reception desk. The secretary stares at me, mystified and mute, then says, "Yes, you did have an appointment at 3pm, but the appointment was YESTERDAY. FML." I think the worst thing about this story is that the appointment was with a neurologist. Symptoms much? 

Any final advice for budding illustrators? "Be well informed before and during it! Work on your drawing, over and over again, get a network going and learn to take criticism and plans that don't pan out. Otherwise, I hear that naval yards are hiring." 

OK, we can go back to the weekend. Thanks Essa for taking part, it was brief but good. It's Saturday, so let's go out to dance to some old funk records that have been sampled 2948 times. Next week we return to our regular scheduled programming, I hope. Be excellent to each other and look both ways before crossing the street.

What about you? If you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to [email protected] but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away!

#1516 - Illustrated FML - On 05/01/2015 at 9:40am by Alan - 4 comments

FML's Question Time #2: School

We tried this before and it went pretty well, so here's another blog section for everyone to have give their opinion on a popular but controversial subject. OK, we're not debating a really controversial subject like the death penalty or how Ariana Grande managed to become so popular despite sounding like a boring font, but still, we want to hear (or read) what you have to say about this month's topic, since it's something that concerns quite a few of you. Take it away Pink Floyd.

To sum up the idea behind this column:  we'll be asking you a question every month or so, and all you'll have to do is give your opinion, back it up with facts, anecdotes or something you overheard down the local pub.  What we are looking for are debates, exchanges and stories that'll set off more comments than a viral video of a guy tripping over a cat on a skateboard. There are no limits, feel free to express yourselves. 

This month's QOTM: 

Are exams elitist and stressful exercises? 
Is school simply conditioning us to
conform like robots to work in society?

To get the ball rolling, we've asked a few people to speak their brains.

"I hate exams. I was shit at all of them. I couldn't even pass my driving test, I crashed a Ford Fiesta into a wall and had a hissy fit." - Darth Vador

"Going to college and studying is really important, you have to learn from history because otherwise you are doomed to repeat it. A lot of young people these days are all over the place with regards to social values, they're ignorant about social struggles from the past and take everything for granted. You got any hummus?" - my neighbor, the sociology student 

"I could be a school. I am a school. I should plug my brain into the matrix and then everyone could learn to be me. Stay in school, kids. Don't do drugs; do Kanye." - Kanye West

You get the general idea. Tell us your worst exam stories. What you think of higher education. You've been to school, so how was it for you? What do you get out of it? If you're at school or college right now, what's it like? If you've got a massive amount of diplomas, is it easier to get a job? Or did you quit school at a young age and now run a successful business? Tell us everything, we want to hear about your life. This is FML after all.

Come on, procrastinate. It's Friday, work can wait.

#1515 - Ramblings - On 04/23/2015 at 10:52am by Alan - 149 comments

Elaillce's illustrated FML

So, did you catch the game this week? You know, the one with the ball, the scoring and all that stuff. Isn't that how you're supposed to talk to people? OK, I know nothing about sports and teams, but I noticed a lot of people wandering around town with flags and face-paint, or hogging public transportation while bellowing things like, "WHO ARE YA?" I just hid behind my copy of Clifford the big red dog to avoid being seen. I wasn't wearing the right colours I think. These people are very attached to the right colours. To take a break from all the hassle, this week we're going up north to talk about clothes and fabrics, as well as the dangers of on-line shopping. Let's get started. 


"Spiders, my worst phobia, there were loads of them in my parents' garage and as luck would have it, the freezer containing the ice cream was in there with them!" 

Elaillce by Alice


This week, you might be surprised by our guest's nickname. There is an explanation, though: "I decided that Elaillce meant Alice in English." Yes, this doesn't make much sense when translated from French into English (as this interview was), but don't worry, it doesn't make much sense in French either. 

Her info:
Age: 27
Location: Montreal, Canada
Website: Elaillce, from Paris to Montreal
Her illustrated FML: The one with the dress

Alice's nickname is messing with my head. I can't write it down without looking at it and copying it. That probably says more about my declining mental faculties that anything else, but still, what a strange idea for a name. Elaillce it is, then. She has quite the unusual past from some of the illustrators we've had on here, but it's the kind of story we hear a lot about from young french workers: "I studied for 4 years in graphic design and illustration in a private school in Paris. Then I got my first job in packaging, but I didn't enjoy it at all. And seeing as I couldn't get a job in anything related to the internet, I decided to leave France to try my luck in Quebec, and it worked!" Canada, the promised land for many French people, with its *insert usual lazy stereotypes about Quebec, its food, colloquial use of French and the rest.* Go check out her blog, it's very funny and she talks about her life in Quebec as someone who knows what she's talking about. 

So, what does get up to? Is it fun? "I'm an internet graphics designer, I design websites and apps. I love graphics and the internet as much as illustrating. The problem when you're in an agency is that you don't have total freedom in your choice of projects. That's why I created my blog, where I could do absolutely anything I wanted." So, she was right to move all the way over. A lot of people have done the same, but have regretted it. I know a few, some did OK, others came back after 6 months, homesick. 

Her projects are quite defined, and centred on one in particular: "I would like to open a shop on-line with my illustrations, and especially I would like to find a way to get my book back in print again : Le Québec tout en émotions. (Quebec, all emotions)." You've probably guessed what I'm going to say now. If anyone reading this can help her out, don't hesitate to contact us, or Alice directly, it would be great thing to do, and your karma points will increase. I don't believe in karma, but I'm sure that I'll be coming back as a toilet brush or a cockroach if it does. 

Recurring question, but intriguing one: was there an event or a person that give you the impetus to start drawing? "When I was little, I spent a lot of tome drawing with my grandmother who drew a lot herself. It was more or less obvious at the end of middle school that I was going to study applied arts. It finally clicked when I saw the movie Princess Mononoke (a huge slap in the face for me at the time) by Hayao Miyazaki. It seemed so beautiful and poetic. There was also The Nightmare before Christmas that was huge influence for a while." 

What do you get up to in your spare time? "I like simple pleasures like drinking a beer outdoors with my friends, or eating a tub of Haagen Daazs in front of a girly movie. Drawing is also a pleasure because I don't do it during working hours. As for my vices, I must admit that my weak spots are food, wine and shopping! As for comics, I recently enjoyed Tchao Günther by Lili Sohn. It's an autobiographical by a woman from Montreal who tells the story of her struggle with cancer, but with a certain sense of humour. The second comic book is The Crocodiles by Thomas Mathieu, a book about sexism and women being hassled in the street. I like the book, because it's a subject not a lot of people talk about, unfortunately. I love fashion blogs, my two favourites are Et pourquoi pas coline and Sincerely Jules. As for illustration blogs, I still love Diglee whose posts are more and more concerned with women's everyday struggles and I like it! I'm also a big fans of 130 cartonsElise Gravel, or Charlotte du jour."

A personal FML? "One morning during clothes sales, I went shopping. I bought a nice pair of jeans shorts at a really nice price. In the afternoon I went to a music festival so I put on my great new purchase. After having travelled across Paris, a woman stopped me in the subway to tell me I'd left the "Nice price" sticker from the shorts and that it was dangling from my butt. It's a good thing that female solidarity still exists, phew!" 

Some last advice for budding illustrators? "You just have to give yourself the means to get there. It's by practising that you make perfect. Sometimes, the strength of an illustration isn't in the the drawing but in the content, and that's what I try to do. Find your style, and it'll work!" Great advice. One day, maybe even I'll find my style.

That's it for this week. Thanks to Alice/Elaillce for taking part, it was a real pleasure. Good luck with the book. I'm pretty proud of having written all this without any crappy puns about Canada, Quebec and Poutine. I must be getting old and wise. Definitely old. It's now time to piss off on weekend, have a good one. Unless you work at the weekend, in which case, hang in there. Be excellent to each other and don't eat too many figs. 

What about you? If you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to [email protected] but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away!

#1514 - Illustrated FML - On 04/17/2015 at 8:57am by Alan - 8 comments

The Best of the Worst #13

Yep, it's back, finally. We couldn't post another instalment of the Best of the Worst too soon after our April Fool's prank, you guys needed some time to recover from the onslaught of bad spelling and general nonsensical FMLs. But now, it's time to check out some more weird and wonderful submissions from the FML postbag. This time, unlike April Fool's, they're not computer generated mistakes and grammatical blunders, this was all written by actual people. If you can call this sort of thing "writing". Anyway, that's enough jibber-jabber; time for the weirdness to be let loose.

For those of you who are new to this: we get sent FMLs every day. Thousands. We only publish a handful, most are rejected for being plain. But then there's the tiny percent which are downright weird. This monthly collection is our way of saluting the people who dare to go to the outer limits of sanity, because we don't really know what they expect to achieve from sending these… things in to FML. Anyway, check out this month's batch. 


Modern romance

Today,my off got to drink and was trying to fuk me and she smiled like fish on top of that this shit is sick and going to get mad at me cause she stand like that flm

Get a room

Today, I finally realised why my friend’s fountain pen kept clogging. The ink I use (blue-black colour) contains an otherwise highly corrosive substance that would, in any higher amount, completely destroy the pen. This went on for weeks. Now I’m afraid the rust won’t ever come out. EVER. FML


Today, as I was driving this morning I ran over a squirrel and as I stop to see if it was going to be ok, it got back up and started to attack me, now I have rabbits. FML

Prince drives 4 U

Today, while carpooling with a Coworker to our office, he began to rant on about how my underwear are always purple. I block him out until I hit a lady crossing the street, who just so happened to be wearing purple underwear. FML

That's out of the window

Today, I found out that the girl of my dreams like blacks guys. And only black doors:( fml

The annoying kids you know

In the hall my friend and i were holding pinkys (thats just what we do we are wierdos) and we do this thing were we yell wooooooooooooooooooo and swing our arms backwards . so our friend victoria joins in and we do it and catherine falls right on her ass loooooooooool fuck her life

Misery doesn't love company

Ok, well im a misanthropist and i found out this girl i like loves guys who dont trust anyone, so i tell her that im a misanthropist, not realizing that she was really a blonde and didnt know what it meant but now her gay guy friend cant stop texting me asking if i want to chill or sleep over FML…

Taking care of buisineaes

Today, Internet Cable Electricity goes out 2ice n I have 2 buisineaes that I was working so I put my fist through 3 glass windows Fml to hell no one has a worse life than mine

Thanks, dartboy

Today, I shoot darts at a dart board to see if I’ll have a good day. I missed all 3 darts and my uncle passed away from lung cancer. FML

Anger issues

Im 11 and i read alot of fmls and one day i come across an fml that says blah blah blah blah i hate 5th graders! i say ugg whatever they are an a** licking ball sack mother fu***** co*k b!tch haha punk a** b!tch!!! FML

That's it for April. We'll be back in May with a new bunch of weird and wonderful non-stories. If you enjoyed reading these, you can try and spot some more by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. Oh, and as usual, these are all compiled from the website/app since the start, so don't bother trying to send in "weird" FMLs to try and get published here: we can tell. See you next month!


Bonus track: Sometimes, an FML can also tell a story of a man's triumph over the elements, over nature. Silver linings, and all that.

Small acorns

Today, I caught a cockroach without using any broom or bygone spray . YES n it’s my 1st time.

#1513 - About FMyLife - On 04/13/2015 at 5:47am by Alan - 100 comments

Kurt's illustrated FML

We've finally found out how those pesky "17 ways to please your cat that looks like Hitler's house" articles get you to click on them. It's pretty straightforward really. Right, now that that's done, let's get on with the rest of it. This week has seen the return of spring, a little bit of warmth and short skirts. Well, I've been wearing a lot of them, so what, don't oppress me dude. You can also pre-order the Apple Watch, so you can pretend to be David Hasselhoff in Knight Rider talking to his car via his wrist. No, I haven't ordered one. This week it's all about the cigarettes, which always lead to a healthy debate. Sorry. Some people want to be able to smoke wherever the hell they want, others want people to conform to their vision of whatever crypto-fascist state is flashing around their narrow-parametered brains. Well, that's what I gather from some debates in the comments sections under tobacco-related articles. We'll be having none of that on FML, OK? We're civilised people, we respect people's rights to choose to do whatever they want to do to their own bodies, good or bad, as long as they don't come round to do it in my living room while I'm trying to teach my cat to moonwalk. Let's get started.


"My phobia is fear of heights but it's most of all the fear of not having any cheese left in the refrigerator..."

Self-portrait Kurt by Thomas C.


This week it's a dude's turn to have a crack at an illustrated FML. The fact that the artist has a penis or not has no relevance whatsoever, but I needed a transition. 

His info:
Age: 31
Location: Roubaix, France
Website: Kurt's blog, and the Gronouille blog.
His illustrated FML: The one with the smell

I found Kurt on the Internet. I saw his blog while riding my virtual moped around the superinformation highway and I reckoned that he'd be a good fit on FML. I wasn't sure he'd be OK with us, because his style of comic is a little more politically charged than our usual fare, but to my delight he accepted. But first, he had to discover FML, because he was part of the planet who still hadn't heard of us. How is this possible? Has our world domination plan not reached his neck of the woods yet? Weird. 

"Press illustrator and artistic contractor." 
That's how Kurt defines what he does. After graduating high-school with a specialisation in plastic arts, he went on to get a diploma as a trainer-educator. After winning a competition involving freedom of speech as a press illustrator in 2014, he started to get paid for his illustrations, and now he also works in schools and social centres ("I've got to make a living!") 

And he likes his job: "I like the freedom that drawing allows. Being able to seize the daily news. I like being able to make people laugh with a drawing, caricatures, I like silly drawing, the absurd. Making fun of politicians and human stupidity. I'm also looking for a publisher! If you're interested…" I'm not a publisher myself, but we can use this space to launch an appeal. So, if there are any editors or publishers out there, don't hesitate to contact Kurt straight away. 

What's your current activity? "I create illustrations for Psikopat, Tendance Ouest, Sans Culotte 85 and la Brique. I draw the comic strip  Gronouille with drEvil who does the stories, and we're looking for a publisher." Yes, I think we've already mentioned that, but let's let it hang in the air one more time. Here's the link to Gronouille, just in case some of you are curious to find out what it is (it's in French, but it's easy enough to grasp, and besides, French is easy to learn, I did). And then send your publishing money Kurt's way please.

The usual question: was there someone or something that made you want to draw? "I've always drawn, ever since I was little. I coloured in the Tintin and Lucky Luke comics that belonged to my parents, and I drew stories that my dad would bind together, and I would tell him what to write as dialogue. I then filled thousands of pages and margins of drawings (the best drawing school there is, BTW). The fact that I could turn "pro" only became apparent recently, thanks to a press-journalism drawing competition that I managed to win. I put "pro" in quotation marks because as I do press drawings, very few newspapers are willing to pay for my work, a lot of what I do is volunteer work, but I see it as a first step into the very closed-off world of the press. The recent events at Charlie Hebdo really moved me and convinced me even more that I should persevere and believe in my dream, and live for my passion." The whole "working for free" thing has been a sticky point for FML sometimes, because we see the illustrated FMLs as a partnership, a showcase for people we think are talented. But have had a few… remarks! 

Watch out, Kurt is METAL! "Besides reading comics and drawing, I love metal music. I often go to concerts… MOTÖRHEAD ROCK!!! I'm a pseudo guitarist in a punk/metal band (Uncle Winster) without any particular ambition, it's all for fun! We play in bars now and again. I love rehearsing with my friends, play board games but also spend some time with my girlfriend, long walks, garage sales, etc." I totally agree about Motörhead (I have the same bass as Lemmy and I often put on Ace of Spades to motivate myself to do the housework). So, respect. 

Seeing as you're a musician, you must have a bunch of personal FMLs relating to technical issues? "I was recently burgled and my computer was taken, the very one I'd stored the illustrated FML on. So I had to do it all over again…" Ah, yes, that sucks. Luckily, the comic strip is here, so all's well that ends well, but still, it's the first time we've had an Inception-style FML occur while creating an illustrated FML. An FML inside an FML-related event. Spooky.

To end the interview, do you have any tips for budding illustrators? "Try to draw as often as possible. Start with simple things, try to enjoy enjoy yourself and above all, persevere." Persevering is the key. It's like playing an instrument, you don't just give up the guitar because you're fingers hurt and it sounds shite. You push through the pain until that barre chord sounds right. I guess.

That's the shop closed for today. Thanks to Kurt for his sense of humour, his drawings and everything. We hope that now you've discovered FML that you'll come back to do us some more illustrated FMLs. Because we see illustrated FMLs as a way to showcase talents. So don't hesitate to send in an application to take part, we'd love to hear from you. Right, weekend time, let's go celebrate things, celebrate the spring, celebrate you, celebrate me, celebrate us. Let's meet up down the beach, be excellent to each other and have fun! 

So, as I said, if you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to [email protected] but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away!

#1512 - Illustrated FML - On 04/09/2015 at 9:36am by Alan - 6 comments