Blog main page | RSS feed | All posts

Illustrated FML (339) - About FMyLife (99) - Videos (34) - Ramblings (18) - Pictures (13) - Books (9) - Special guests (8) - Competitions (6)

Auntie Bernie replies #2

Hello again, it's time for my weekly whinefest. Yes, I'm back with more of your "wonderful" questions, and some frank and honest answers. I was mentioned in the New York Times* this week and they were saying that my style is somewhat unconventional and rather unhelpful. I repudiate that claim. My work here is mighty precious, and anyone says otherwise can come round my house and get a taste of my fists. Anyway, this week brought more crybabies and strife, so come on down all you lucky winners.

*not true

In case you are too thick to understand the basic premise: Two weeks ago, I asked those of you with problems of the heart or of any other organ to write in, so that I could give you advice. My advice is rock solid, based on decades of helping others achive various goals, achievements and orgasms. Hey, I may be old, but I've been around the block. Anyway, these days, people waste their money on "alternative medicine", which frankly is a whole load of tosh, and might as well be paid for in "alternative money" like Monopoly money or buttons. Anyone who has faith in Reiki can fuck off right now. Still here? Good. Anyway, I offer a back to basics deal, less bullcrap, more straight talk. Got it? Let's go. 


(The cat psychologist listening to his favourite patient, who smells of catfood)


So, you wrote to me. And what a load of nonsense most of it was. I still got a few "funny" messages, asking me how to get to outer space, request hand jobs or just telling me to fuck off back to whatever circus I came from. But I can't do any of that, because I've got a contract. So I read the realistic responses, got a few written agreements and now I can offer up this week's selection to the rest of you. Please bear in mind that this is for the good of the community, and is in no way a bunch of cheap shots at somebody else's expense. 
 

When is a door not a door


Our first question of the week is from foxytheologian :

"How do I make it so that I can actually open jars without my boyfriend's help?"

Hang on… Is this 1953? Are you stuck in a time warp? I know that the MRA idiots are going to start a backlash if I mention this but women can open jars just as well as men can. You don't need a man to open your jars. Just believe that you can open your jars, and stop being such a wuss. There's also tools you can buy to help you open jars these days, technology is just so wonderful. I know that when I was a little girl, we thought that the future was going to be hover cars and jetpacks, but a tool for opening jars is just as good. And besides, jars are tight because men make them tight. Don't give up the fight, sisters! Don't let the man grind you down. I was there in the '60s, burning my bras and fighting off the oppression of the patriarchy, but nowadays it's creeping back. Don't let it. Don't be fooled by any of it.
 

The affair


An anonymous source needs advice now:

"Auntie Bernie, I need advice. I met this guy and I really like him but we live in different countries and he has a girlfriend.. I don't know what to do especially when he says dirty things to me because I feel guilty but at the same time I like the attention. Any advice?"

Now hold on a minute. What sort of question is this? You've met a guy who lives abroad, you feel sad and lonely and yet you admit he has a girlfriend? Didn't you hear alarm bells go off in your head, or did you just hear wedding bells? I think you need to sit your hiney in a bucket of cold water, AKA the OTHER Ice-bucket challenge. This is wrong on so many levels. This guy is using you a sexual plaything, talking dirty to you behind his girlfriend's back, and you're letting him! Don't be THAT PERSON. Get out, now. Tell him to stick his randy phone calls up his you know what and get on with your life. If you're that desperate for attention, get a wacky haircut and go wander around town. You'll get loads then. Do you need me to kick your butt? Because I will.
 

Who am I?


Another classic problem for liamwolf792:

"Hey Auntie Bernie, I'm 16 years old and I'm in a not so sexually active relationship. By not so I mean every time I try to have sex with my gf I can't see to keep my erection. I can get one from just looking at her so obviously this isn't a physical problem. She even laughed in my face last time I went soft, any advice??"

Hmmmm. Now. This guy has a famous soccer player as his profile picture. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with that, but it's well known that guys who are really into team sports are secretly a bit gay. I mean, come on, all that sinewy muscle, those toned, athletic bodies. Of course the spectators are watching for the short shorts and the cheeky smiles. So liamwolf792, have you ever thought about soccer players while... taking a shower? There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, I say go for it. I lived in a nudist commune in Austria in the '70s where life was a lot less concerned about worrying about labelling people, so I've tried all sorts of things. Or maybe you're not unknowingly gay, maybe you're just not that into her. Then again, that's never really stopped people from having sex. So what is it with you, huh? Just try something new for a change. 


The Not Knowing


A real heartbreaker from patts_

"Hi Auntie Bernie. So I have a crush and he is so adorable. When we are together, it's so great. So great , people thing that we're dating. But we're not. He is protective and kind and I adore him. Okay point is: I need advice on how to tell him I like him without ruining our friendship if he doesn't feel the same way. I wouldn't wanna throw what we have away but I don't wanna live with regrets. Thoughts? Thanks"

Oh, it's one of those situations. Patts, be very careful. You're not being a very good friend in keeping this from him. So there's two ways to deal with it. Either you tell him how you feel, and it can go either way, or you can say nothing, suffer in silence, eat and drink your feelings in fast food joints and eventually watch him get engaged to someone else, meet up years later, admit that you liked him "back then", he'll say, "why didn't you say anything?", you'll embark on a half-hearted attempt at an affair, but will ultimately fail because you both have children with other people, and that'll be the end of that. What sounds like the simplest solution ? I know, so get on and say something. Or just kiss the guy, stop being such a wuss! A small rejection is better than years of not knowing.
 

The Graduate


Last question from Angi22, who is being hounded

"Hey Auntie Bernie, do you think you can give me some advice on how to tell people to leave me alone and that I'm not ready to marry! I'm only 24, I got plenty of life left in me right? Who needs to settle down, I just can't find a way to tell folks off, any thing helps! Your the best?"

Angi22, you've come across a situation that is afflicting a lot of people these days. When you admit to not being "ready" for marriage, or for kids, or for whatever, some people can get really offended. Like you're criticising their life-choices. But you're not. The best thing to do is to tell them to back off, in a voice summoned from far beneath the ground. Or prepare some better comebacks. Tell them that you don't want to ever get married because marriage is an outmoded institution that you wouldn't invent if it didn't exist, because love is a spiritual thing that doesn't need a piece of paper or some else's blessing, be it another human or a mythological being. That'll shut them up. Maybe. People can be such dickwads sometimes. I never got married, I'm more of a free spirit myself. Don't tie yourself down, live life. Get on with it. Stand up for yourself.

There, that'll do for this week, I've definitely helped those youngsters. As I said last time, if you wrote to me and you're a bit sad that you weren't featured in this week's column, don't panic! You might appear next week. If you want to write to me to appear in the near future, my profile is here, or click on my message at the top of the comments under the article. 


Who are you? Who who?
 

This is last part: the profile pic. The people who wrote to me also have faces. I don't mean the people who cheat by using pictures stolen from Instagram accounts belonging to pretty people (when in doubt: reverse image search on Google) and who lie and claim "Yes, that's me in the photo!", I'm talking about the people who are brave enough to put their real face on FML. 

This week, we're taking a look at Hildy93. I don't where to start. The glasses? The hat? The t-shirt. Either this was St Patrick's Day, or he just likes dressing like a twit. I really hope he's from Ireland. There's nothing worse than someone from Long Island going, "Oh I'm Irish" based on the fact that their grandmother's great cousin once bought an apple in Dublin. It's a weird US tradition and it's got to stop. This guy looks like he knows how to party. Or get drunk after two weak beers and then fall over into a bush. With a bit of luck, he lost that hat and those glasses, or he got beaten up by some angry leprechauns. It's not going to do, is it? I hope by next week he has deleted that profile pic, and put on a suit and tie, the green-infested tosser.


 

That's my second column over with. I hope you don't mind if I leave you in peace now, it's time for my medication. Don't hesitate to write to me if you need help seeing the light and/or need advice on how to lead your love life. I'll try and help out, in my own special way. Take care, young people everywhere.

Auntie Bernie is dressed by Bénédicte of Bloutouf

#1534 - About FMyLife - On 08/06/2015 at 6:06am by Alan - 30 comments

FML with pics? That's FML Pics

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words. We reckoned pictures could be worth 300 characters, which is why we launched FML Pics. The name says it all, really: it's an FML app, only with pictures instead of words. It really is that simple. But wait, there's more! Actually, there isn't that much, but stick around anyway, we're going to show you the best of what we've been sent so far.

So, what's been going on since FML Pics was launched? Well, people have been taking pictures with the app, editing them, adding the FML logo, text, writing captions, voting and commenting on each other's pics… It's a bit like the FML app. Which is funny, because weirdly, we made both.

Anyway, we thought we'd have a hit parade of our favourite user submissions so far. We've thus created what we boringly call the FML Pics Top 4 Best Pics! What? What's wrong with a Top 4? Why should it always be a Top 3 or a Top 5 or a Top 10? This is FML. We never do things like other apps. So Top 4 it is, and each picture features the user's caption underneath, if one was supplied.

 

#4: The OCD user

"Tilers didn't use T pieces T_T"

 

#3: The threatening fruit

"Meet my neighbourhood wolf spider who thought
introducing himself while I was sunbathing
was a great idea."

 
#2: The face

"I was taking a prom picture and
I saw a wasp. My mom posted it to
Facebook anyway."

 

#1: The haircut

This one didn't have a caption,
but it didn't really need one.

 

There. Convinced? If so, get the FML Pics app for your iPhone or iPad by clicking on the icon below, and join in the fun. It's free, it's easy to use and we're here for any questions you may have.


DOWNLOAD FML PIC
S

We'll be posting more Top 4 pics in due time, so get snapping, you may be featured in the near future.

#1533 - About FMyLife - On 08/03/2015 at 9:13am by Alan - 23 comments

Auntie Bernie replies #1

Hello all you crybabies, from Land's End to John o' Groats. Yes, I'm finally here my lovelies. Since last week, my inbox hasn't stopped humming with the noise of new mail dropping into it, letters full of words straight from the hearts of lots and lots of troubled young people. They all appear to be in great pain, and frankly, I've been waking up in a cold sweat ever since. What on earth is wrong with this spineless generation? Where are their parents? Whatever happened to dealing with things with a stiff upper lip? Right, time for this week's verdict. I'm at my desk and the dog is peering at me suspiciously from his basket. I hope you're ready for this.

This is what's going on right now: Last week, you were asked to write to me if you needed assistance with any personal problems you might have, with the promise that I might give you advice this week in this very same column. It was last week, people, get a grip. Don't you remember? Go back and read what my friends from FML wrote, then come back. Have a little musical interlude in the meantime. 


(Communist kids singing for their Red leader)


There, remember now? Up to speed? So, some of you wrote to me. And what a disaster it was, you young people certainly know how to depress the living daylights out of me. I don't what's worse, the comedians with their little "jokes" about my age, my looks or my dog, or the weird questions that smacked of "Look at me, I'm so random!!" Luckily, some of you sent me some actual messages that I could look into, even if they were so boring I had to take some extra medication to keep awake, I've selected a few that I can use today for your entertainment. I mean… that I can use as educational tools to help soothe the pain. 
 

Modern romance


Our first case of the week involves preggoeggo68 :

"My fiancé has no clue how to court me, or romance me and doesn't seem to understand that when a girl says I don't need that, it doesn't mean she doesn't want it. Even when I explicitly state things I want now he says he doesn't know how he would do that and gets frustrated. How do I get through to him without making him mad at himself?"

First off, what kind of a name is preggoeggo68? Were you drunk when you created your account. I hate that word, "preggo". It's so boorish. So that's bad enough, but dear… your man sounds like a real nitwit. Is he the kind of guy who calls his car "her" and who plays silly video games instead of taking care of your delicate flower? You need to get up into his grill, honey. Otherwise, he's going to walk all over your ass. Don't believe that something as subtle as stating you don't need something hoping he'll get the hint that you actually want it isn't going to work. And if when you say you want something, he doesn't bring it, well… cut out what he likes. Apple pie. Cleaning his dirty, piss-stained underwear. Hand jobs. I wonder what attracted you to this man in the first place. You need to reevaluate everything, sweetie. Otherwise I'll be coming round to kick his butt. And yours.
 

Mother knows best


KneeJerker has a question relating to grades :

"How the hell do I get my mom to not be a bitch to me? All she ever does is whine about how bad I look and my grades not being up to her par even if I try my hardest."

Listen sonny boy, I actually agree with your mother. You should dress up properly, look smart and work hard at school. Calling your mother a bitch is proof that you're totally devoid of any class. Think classy for once. Your mother cares about you. She wants you to succeed, to look good. She doesn't want you to be a hobo, or at least, she doesn't want you to look like one, you nitwit. Get down and do some work, get some help if you need it. When I was in school, they used to throw bibles at our faces if we stepped out of line. You can't hit noisy children anymore, unfortunately. You can however trip them up in supermarkets when their parents aren't looking, or push them into the frozen peas section. So, listen to your mother you ungrateful little tit, and do something meaningful with your life. Just don't do it in my living room when I'm trying to sew my dog a new swimming costume.
 

Qui pro qui?


A classic problem for milehigh52:

"Dear auntie Bernie, how do I last a long time in bed? I'm worried I might not last long enough to satisfy her."

I'm a bit conflicted about this one. When I read the name "milehigh52", I immediately thought of the Mile High Club, of which I've been a member since one memorable flight in a Boeing 707 in 1975. I digress. I thought, hello, here's a stud out to ask questions about sex and things of a carnal nature. Then I read the message. Oh, this guy is definitely a virgin. He must be. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Well, up to a certain age I suppose. Or for medical reasons. Some people are virgins for superstitious reasons also, that's fine. This guy, I don't know. He's worried he's not going to last long enough to satisfy "her". You know honeydrop, sometimes it can be over in a minute and be great for both partners. And sometimes it can last an hour and everyone's crotch chafes like hell, and no one came. There's no fixed required amount of time, everything is subjective, so stop listening to the stupid things your friends say. Don't be such a big baby and get on with it. Practice makes perfect, just talk to women. They're people too, you know? They have the same doubts and fears as you do. 


The Graduate


A different sort of problem from Peterchor, with extra lies and deceit: 

"
My grades have not been great, and here's the kicker, I've had to change my major really late in the college game. I've been making the right sort of strides vis-a-vis academic improvement, but personally, the same social insecurity that allowed me to care about my friends' opinions too much last semester continues to cripple me. I'm that ashamed. I continue to lie to my friends about how bad my grades were and about the old major. I'm anxious that people will find out or that they already suspect something."

Oh dear, Peterchor, what have you done? You gone and given in to peer pressure, to social anxiety and all that crap. It's garbage. When will you ever learn? I'm in half a mind to track you down and clip you round the earhole. Never listen to your friends, they're all idiots. How do I know that? Because you're sounding a bit like one too. Yes, I'm a bit blunt, but you shouldn't have changed your major, why on earth would you do something like that so late in the year. What you should've done was called someone with half a brain cell to tell you it was a bad idea. Grades mean nothing in the long run. When I was at Oxford University, I had terrible grades in the first year, but I stuck by my guns and I got my diploma in the end, and I'm now a qualified garden hose operator. So don't lose hope young man, stop being a wet blanket, don't listen to your stoner friends and do your thing like James Brown. Capiche?
 

There, I've fixed those young people's lives, that'll do for this week. If you wrote to me and you're a bit sad that you weren't featured in this week's column, don't panic! You might appear next week. If you want to write to me to appear in the near future, my profile is here, or click on my message at the top of the comments under the article. 


Who are you? Who who?
 

The last part of this column: the profile pic. The people who wrote to me also have faces. I don't mean the people who cheat by using pictures stolen from Russian models' Instagram accounts (when in doubt: reverse image search on Google) or who use pictures that have been floating around since Windows 95 and who lie and claim "Yes, that's me in the photo!", I'm talking about the people who are brave enough to put their real face on FML. 

This week, we're taking a look at Jovkid123. What on earth is going on in this profile pic? It appears that our FML member of the week is on the left, and she's posing with someone we should be recognizing. But I don't. Come on Jovkid123, keep your eyes open. Are you taking a nap? Are you having a stroke from meeting this person? It seems that the flash has broken as well, so we can't see shit. Did you fall over just 5 seconds after the picture was taken? You look happy enough, or was it the 8 pints of beer you had just before? I'm still wondering who the lady on the right is. She's obviously in the music business. Is it Cher? Is it the guy from Aerosmith? I can't tell these days, they all look the same. Open your eyes, godammit!!


 

That's my first column done. I hope you didn't hate it too much. I'll be back next week with more of the same. Don't hesitate to write to me if you need help seeing the light and/or need advice on how to lead your love life. I'll try and help out, in my own special way. Take care, young people.

Auntie Bernie is dressed by Bénédicte of Bloutouf

#1532 - About FMyLife - On 07/31/2015 at 5:43am by Auntie Bernie - 28 comments

Feeling shitty? Write to Auntie Bernie!

It's a new summer, so here's a new feature. OK, that doesn't mean much, but you've got to start somewhere. The idea came from the fact that we get sent a lot of FMLs that touch us, in our heart of hearts (because we do have them, we're not machines) but we can't publish them because they're just… sad. So, we got in touch with a specialist to take care of these cases, in her own inimitable way. But her main caveat was that she wanted to remain anonymous. We said OK, great, do what you gotta do, shroud yourself in mystery, take on a persona, get someone to create a profile pic (thanks Bénédicte over at Bloutouf) and we'll set the wheels in motion. And here we are.

OK, for those of you who haven't fully got it, here's the idea. We received this submission:

"Today I has sex with my girlfriend but when I tried to penetrate her my penis wouldn't go in. It was blocked. And my girlfried was like all excited on me saying, it wont go in!!! Please can you give me some help for it to slide in better? Thanks to those who will."

We thought it would be great to be able to advise this young man on how to stick his disco stick into his young lady, but only if a specialist did so. And give this specialist a regular column, every Friday during the month of August to start out, instead of the illustrated FMLs (the illustrators all being on holiday). So, if you're having problems, need advice in matters of the heart, have issues with your relationships, unrequited love, need sexual healing, send her a message. You might appear in the first issue! 

Her profile is here:

Auntie Bernie's profile

This link might not work on every media, especially on apps and smartphones. DON'T PANIC. She'll be the first to comment on the article, so all you have to do to send her a message, or add her to your contacts to send her a message later is click on her comment and then click on the arrow icon thing or whatever it is that allows you to send a PM to someone (it varies on each app, but it's usually the arrow).

Oh yeah, we forgot to mention something. Bernie's style of dealing with people's problems is very… odd. This is FML, so we don't beat around the bush and hold people's hands. If you were expecting us to tuck you into bed, you were very much mistaken. We aren't a bunch of hippies braiding each other's hair. She will pick you up and throw you into a ditch if you're not careful. You have been warned.

Right, get cracking, start sending her your trouble and strife, and expected the unexpected.

#1530 - Special guests - On 07/24/2015 at 11:58am by Alan - 31 comments

The Best of the Worst #16

Summer's here and the time is right, for Best of Worsting in the street! Yeah, alright, that doesn't mean much, but I love the Martha and the Vandellas song and so should you. Anyway, the Best of the Worst of FML is back, and it's number 16. You'd think that people would get sick of it by now, but it's become one of the most popular items on FML. Weird. It's like people enjoy taking the piss out of simple folk who can't spell, don't know simple words like "waitressing", let alone form a coherent sentence. Yes, I'm being patronising, but that's the way I roll with my gang. Let's get on with the show.

For the noobs: we get sent thousands of FMLs each and every day, whether it's Christmas Day or a regular Monday. We only publish a few because most are boring, as those of you who help out in the moderation page well know. Most are crap, then there are those which are from a different species altogether. This is a collection of some of the best of the crap FMLs that people have taken the time to write and send in to us. I wonder who they are, why they do this and what drugs they are taking (and can I have some?). Let's have a look.
 

Is there a doctor in the room? 

Today,Rock has drank himself STUPID!! He had a woman, “he just met”, who is in withdrawal from HEROIN, wanting to know if I’d “give her something”. I’m not running a methadone clinic! she’s a HEROIN JUNKIE!! He told me he brought her here because I am “a doctor.”.. Me?? No. FML
 

Turtle

Today, it’s late,I’m in my feelings. he made me look dumb. I don’t even know if he liked me and he told ppl things about me, but what. Moral of the story don’t let a senior talk to you when you’re a freshmen. These fboys??ladies go chase that paper. My love for Franklin? gets stronger? each day
 

Juicy

Today,I fell down the stairs and my mom licked the blood off of my nipples she said it tasted like ur dads juicy pustache (penismustache)
 

Whatcha gonna do?

Today,I got Fuken fired I got let go because I’m a bad boy salesman!!
 

Air freshener

Today, I was asleep in class and my teacher decides to write on my face. What did he draw? A pines. FML
 

Stand by your man

FUCK UGLY ASS CHIMPMUNK LOOKING BITCHES WHO STEAL BOYFRIENDS AND JUST YEAH…
 

I'm in love with my car

Today, when I picked my date up and walked her to my Camaro, she yelled “A Corvette!” When I patiently explained that it was a Camaro, she replied, “A cawhatto?” FML
 

Swiftian wit

Today, in the morning I was listening to the radio looking forward to the day then they announced that her royal sluttyness (Taylor Swift) is coming to Australia, totally killed my day
 

Quack

Today, my doctor informed me that the curvature of my penis was caused by “excessive masturbation during puberty”. Needless to say, he refused to shake my hand on the way out. FML

 

Basket case

I AM TURKOGLU OF THE ORLANDO MAGIC. LEBRON JAMES AKA MVP JUST SHOT A WINNING THREE OVER MY ASS!!!! AND I STILL AM WEARING MY STUPID SMIRK

That's it for July, then. We'll be back next month with a some more weirdness, because there's plenty more from where that came from. You can probably catch some more by using the aforementioned "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these are all collected from the website since its launch, so don't bother trying to send in silly FMLs to try and get them published here, it won't work. See you next month !
 

 

Bonus track: People cannot write things, or even use their brains to make up a story that seems possible. A lot of what we receive is straight to /r/ThatHappened territory, and we never never publish something that seems way too implausible. But this one, well, it's on the fence.
 

This happens at FML, too

today my coworke..female..smiled at me and told.me to meet her at starbucks after work..and I farted and said no..she slappes me..and said she loves me

#1531 - About FMyLife - On 07/22/2015 at 5:01am by Alan - 60 comments