If you're a regular on FML, it probably means that you're a member. Whatcha mean you're not a member? Right, for a start, run along and create yourself an account. Doing so will allow you to comment on the FMLs, chat with the other members via our messaging service, add FMLs to your favorites list and start collecting badges.
Yeah, OK. Now what?
As it's cold and depressing in most parts of FML (we can tell from the stories you send in, complaining about the weather) we thought it would be the perfect time to a little recap of all the badges that are available to collect, as well as the new ones we introduced during FML's sixth birthday.
For those of you who missed the meeting last time in room 143 on the 8th floor of FML Towers, here are the badges that you can get, old and new. Just so you know, the moderation badges are reset every three months.
The Gold badges
- Our top moderators: You are part of this month's 10 best moderators!
- Keen reader — Level: Godlike ninja: As of today, you have voted on 100% of the FMLs.
- Follow up: You commented on an FML that you wrote.
The Silver badges:
- Our top moderators: You are part of this month's 100 best moderators!
- Keen reader — Level: master ninja: As of today, you have voted on 50% of the FMLs.
- 100 quality comments: 100 of your comments have neither been buried or moderated. Well done!
- Gold rush: Looking for gold on FML? How about we run you a bath and give you a new car as well?
- One more and it's business time: You've received 68 likes on your profile. Kinky.
- The Thumb returns: You have thumbed 5000 comments.
- I moderated this!: In "Moderate the FMLs", you voted Yes on a story that was subsequently published. Well done!
The Bronze badges:
- Our top moderators: "You are part of this month's 500 best moderators!"
- Keen reader — Level: student ninja: As of today, you have voted on 15% of the FMLs.
- Happy ending: Brandon may have an FML, but he ended up marrying Jessica. You found this out by reading “FML, the follow up.”
- 50 quality responses: Clicking reply to a comment is a worthy thing to do. To do so without getting buried is even better.
- Picture this FML: You have left your mark on an illustrated FML’s presentation blog article.
- I’m your new creative director: You had to give your opinion on this new “art piece” that the whole world is talking about.
- Mobility: You are connected to FML via the mobile site or an app. How modern.
- The rules are the rules: Reading the comment rules is a really good idea. This badge is sponsored by Alan, FML's community manager, writer of this thing and person who will kick your butt otherwise.
- Socialite: You’ve used FML’s private messaging service for the first time. Will they reply? Wait and see…
- Perfectionist: Editing your comments can help you avoid embarrassment, and it might make you seem smarter.
- It’s in the can: Hey, you uploaded your photo, and you’re cute as a kitten!
- Beginner: You have looked through 5 pages of the website. That’s a start. (Only available on the FML website)
- I like your style: You've given a fuck to/about someone. How cute!
- The Mixer: You like to live life randomly, and we salute you.
- What'cha looking at?: You have put three pictures on your profile, not necessarily pictures of your profile.
- Profile completed: You’ve filled out the necessary details. Having done so will be much appreciated.
- A new Thumb: You have left your thumbprint on 1000 comments.
- The Thumb strikes back: You have left your thumbprint on 2500 comments.
- Tweet, tweet: You have shared 20 FMLs on Twitter, your followers love you and we can understand why. (Only available on the FML website)
- I like things a lot, 20 times in fact: You have liked 20 FMLs and your Facebook friends are going to like the FMLs that you have liked. We like that. (Only available on the FML website)
- Hard at Work: Voting on an FML from the Work category on a Monday between 8 and 9am, how ironic.
- Up and coming moderator: It is nice of you to help us sort out the submissions, using FML's moderate feature.
- I agree, their lives suck: 200 votes confirming that their life is crap. It’s what the website is all about.
- 50 favourites: Love knows no boundaries. You’ve already got 50 FMLs in your favourites list!
That's quite lot for a start, right? But to quote the guy who runs the ride at the funfair in the field near our offices every summer, who yells at random intervals: "D'you want more? Scream if you want more, ya bastaaaaards!" OK, let's talk hidden badges.
But Dad, what about the hidden badges?
We're getting there, sunshine. Here's a few clues on how to find the hidden badges that are strewn all over FML like a rash on a neglected baby. Obviously, we're not going to make it too easy for you. These are just rudimentary tools, like the ones cave men had to invent the wheel, fire and anal bleaching. You're going to have to use your brain cells a bit. So, as we're nice, we're going to list ALL the hidden badges from the very start, in a random order, including the old ones and the new ones, mixing gold, silver, bronze and chocolate. Oh, for the more dense amongst you, that was a joke: there are no chocolate badges, so don't start sending me messages asking how to obtain chocolate badges.
Hidden badge #1: You gave it a shot, but it wasn't good enough.
Hidden badge #2: You should be sleeping, probably. But instead, you're here. Are you drunk?
Hidden badge #3: Talking to creatures of the night is unhealthy.
Hidden badge #4: The answer to life, and also helping us out.
Hidden badge #5: Statistically, you've won the FML lottery.
Hidden badge #6: Are you living your sex life vicariously? (Only available on the FML website)
Hidden badge #7: A military feline. A colonel that miaows.
Hidden badge #8: Empathy isn't your thing, is it?
Hidden badge #9: I look good. No, that one's better. Or maybe that one?
Hidden badge #10: No friends, no family, or just a shitty end to the year?
Hidden badge #11: Learning the rules can avoid many grievances.
Hidden badge #12: Who's checking me out?
Hidden badge #13: Kids go looking for him in the sky at the end of the year.
Hidden badge #14: It's not a birthday, but sort of. You should get out more.
Hidden badge #15: Had a good ping pong match in the comments?
Hidden badge #16: The worm is waiting.
Hidden badge #17: A dream sequence with Leonardo.
Hidden badge #18: Push that fruit. A geek's favourite hotel room number. (Only available on the FML website)
Hidden badge #19: Who is flopping at the top of pops?
Hidden badge #20: Networking, socialising, you're everywhere. (Only available on the FML website)
Hidden badge #21: Moderating can be surprising, links are available. (Only available on the FML website)
Hidden badge #22: Empathy REALLY isn't your thing.
That's it for our badges for now. Don't forget our friendly tip: if you spot a badge you haven't got on someone else's profile, you can always ask them how they got it. But please try and ask politely. Don't be like some people and be so blunt that they could be high ranked in "Blunt and Obnoxious Magazine's most uninfluential people of 2015". Be excellent to each other, and happy hunting!