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Illustrated FML (337) - About FMyLife (94) - Videos (34) - Ramblings (18) - Books (9) - Special guests (8) - Pictures (8) - Competitions (6)

Feeling shitty? Write to Auntie Bernie!

It's a new summer, so here's a new feature. OK, that doesn't mean much, but you've got to start somewhere. The idea came from the fact that we get sent a lot of FMLs that touch us, in our heart of hearts (because we do have them, we're not machines) but we can't publish them because they're just… sad. So, we got in touch with a specialist to take care of these cases, in her own inimitable way. But her main caveat was that she wanted to remain anonymous. We said OK, great, do what you gotta do, shroud yourself in mystery, take on a persona, get someone to create a profile pic (thanks Bénédicte over at Bloutouf) and we'll set the wheels in motion. And here we are.

OK, for those of you who haven't fully got it, here's the idea. We received this submission:

"Today I has sex with my girlfriend but when I tried to penetrate her my penis wouldn't go in. It was blocked. And my girlfried was like all excited on me saying, it wont go in!!! Please can you give me some help for it to slide in better? Thanks to those who will."

We thought it would be great to be able to advise this young man on how to stick his disco stick into his young lady, but only if a specialist did so. And give this specialist a regular column, every Friday during the month of August to start out, instead of the illustrated FMLs (the illustrators all being on holiday). So, if you're having problems, need advice in matters of the heart, have issues with your relationships, unrequited love, need sexual healing, send her a message. You might appear in the first issue! 

Her profile is here:

Auntie Bernie's profile

This link might not work on every media, especially on apps and smartphones. DON'T PANIC. She'll be the first to comment on the article, so all you have to do to send her a message, or add her to your contacts to send her a message later is click on her comment and then click on the arrow icon thing or whatever it is that allows you to send a PM to someone (it varies on each app, but it's usually the arrow).

Oh yeah, we forgot to mention something. Bernie's style of dealing with people's problems is very… odd. This is FML, so we don't beat around the bush and hold people's hands. If you were expecting us to tuck you into bed, you were very much mistaken. We aren't a bunch of hippies braiding each other's hair. She will pick you up and throw you into a ditch if you're not careful. You have been warned.

Right, get cracking, start sending her your trouble and strife, and expected the unexpected.

#1530 - Special guests - On 07/24/2015 at 11:58am by Alan - 31 comments

The Best of the Worst #16

Summer's here and the time is right, for Best of Worsting in the street! Yeah, alright, that doesn't mean much, but I love the Martha and the Vandellas song and so should you. Anyway, the Best of the Worst of FML is back, and it's number 16. You'd think that people would get sick of it by now, but it's become one of the most popular items on FML. Weird. It's like people enjoy taking the piss out of simple folk who can't spell, don't know simple words like "waitressing", let alone form a coherent sentence. Yes, I'm being patronising, but that's the way I roll with my gang. Let's get on with the show.

For the noobs: we get sent thousands of FMLs each and every day, whether it's Christmas Day or a regular Monday. We only publish a few because most are boring, as those of you who help out in the moderation page well know. Most are crap, then there are those which are from a different species altogether. This is a collection of some of the best of the crap FMLs that people have taken the time to write and send in to us. I wonder who they are, why they do this and what drugs they are taking (and can I have some?). Let's have a look.

Is there a doctor in the room? 

Today,Rock has drank himself STUPID!! He had a woman, “he just met”, who is in withdrawal from HEROIN, wanting to know if I’d “give her something”. I’m not running a methadone clinic! she’s a HEROIN JUNKIE!! He told me he brought her here because I am “a doctor.”.. Me?? No. FML


Today, it’s late,I’m in my feelings. he made me look dumb. I don’t even know if he liked me and he told ppl things about me, but what. Moral of the story don’t let a senior talk to you when you’re a freshmen. These fboys??ladies go chase that paper. My love for Franklin? gets stronger? each day


Today,I fell down the stairs and my mom licked the blood off of my nipples she said it tasted like ur dads juicy pustache (penismustache)

Whatcha gonna do?

Today,I got Fuken fired I got let go because I’m a bad boy salesman!!

Air freshener

Today, I was asleep in class and my teacher decides to write on my face. What did he draw? A pines. FML

Stand by your man


I'm in love with my car

Today, when I picked my date up and walked her to my Camaro, she yelled “A Corvette!” When I patiently explained that it was a Camaro, she replied, “A cawhatto?” FML

Swiftian wit

Today, in the morning I was listening to the radio looking forward to the day then they announced that her royal sluttyness (Taylor Swift) is coming to Australia, totally killed my day


Today, my doctor informed me that the curvature of my penis was caused by “excessive masturbation during puberty”. Needless to say, he refused to shake my hand on the way out. FML


Basket case


That's it for July, then. We'll be back next month with a some more weirdness, because there's plenty more from where that came from. You can probably catch some more by using the aforementioned "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these are all collected from the website since its launch, so don't bother trying to send in silly FMLs to try and get them published here, it won't work. See you next month !


Bonus track: People cannot write things, or even use their brains to make up a story that seems possible. A lot of what we receive is straight to /r/ThatHappened territory, and we never never publish something that seems way too implausible. But this one, well, it's on the fence.

This happens at FML, too

today my coworke..female..smiled at me and to meet her at starbucks after work..and I farted and said no..she slappes me..and said she loves me

#1531 - About FMyLife - On 07/22/2015 at 5:01am by Alan - 60 comments

Chiara's illustrated FML

Hi there, cool cats ! I'm glad to see you all again. Seeing you again means it's Friday; Friday is illustrated FML day (and it's also the weekend of course). It's not yet vacation time for everyone, so make the most of your weekend if you can, and the warm weather if you've got some, to do the things you like to do, with the people you like. Or tolerate. I'll be wandering the streets making obscene gestures at anything containing Minions, shouting at pigeons, and then ending up in front of the TV with a fan pointing at my naked body. Yes, I have weird pastimes. This week, we're searching for something, whether it's concrete (lost jewelry) or abstract (lost time). The illustrated FML that we've cooked up is somewhere in between the two, oscillating between the abstract and the concrete, a bit like Duchamp's urinal. Or something. Yeah OK, the heat is getting to me, let's just get on with it!


"My biggest phobia is Gollum. I'm deathly scared of him. I couldn't bring myself to use his image from the movie, so I took a picture from a Tolkien book."

Self-portrait Chiara by Kumy-san


This week it's Chiara's turn to have a manga-themed go at an FML. It's a little less pronounced than in the last two illustrations, so I'm not going to go overboard about it. 

Her info:
Age: 15 
Location: Paris
Website: Her DeviantArt page
Her illustrated FML: The one with the ring

Wow, Chiara is pretty young! 15 years old! I almost feel like joking that I've got bunions on my feet that are older than she is. I won't make such a corny joke because it wouldn't be very respectful, seeing as she's got quite the talent. You just have to check out her DeviantArt page and the few illustrations that are scattered around this article to see that she's good at drawing things. She says that she "loves to draw, of course, but what I prefer is colour things in. Give drawings life with colours is really cool. I lack technical skills of course, you can see it in my drawings, ha ha." That's not how I would've put it. In any case, she's quite busy in everyday life, because she's still in school, but still finds time to improve her technique: "I go to high school and I spend time working on my story. I've recently started working on a short story which is about 20 pages long and I intend on illustrating it one day!" Great news, but it leaves us wondering what the story will be, what the intrigue is, and what it will look like. It sounds pretty much top secret, so we'll wait and see.

What's her recent news? "At the moment, I've been trying to find the time to draw but it's not been easy with my exams going on and all the other stuff. I like it when things are going at a high pace, so I'm not too bothered!" Ah, exams, a long forgotten memory. The only exams I get these days are medical ones, to check whether I should stop drinking or sleeping around (answer to both questions: No way). So what's Chiara's story? "I'm in high school, next year I'll be starting sixth form tech, then I'll be doing literary studies. My dream is to write childrens stories and illustrate them." Quite a nice dream. I had a dream in high school. It involved drinking and sleeping around. I guess I've succeeded on that count. I suppose I could've been one of those boring twunts who waffles on about calories and lifting weights. Sod that for a game of soldiers. Follow your dreams, that's what I do

Any projects cooking in that young brain of yours? "For the moment, I'm trying to grab hold of the box of cookies that my mother has put too high up for me too grab. My 5 foot 4 can be a problem sometimes. I'm kidding of course." Hey, that's an ambitious project that I can get behind, and so can our readers. I'm lucky enough to be really tall, so I often help out the less fortunate amongst you to get things from higher places, especially in supermarkets. Grannies love me. Speaking of which, we recently got a complaint on Facebook about an FML which contained the word "Midget", which was deemed "offensive", but we agreed to disagree after I used the "Doug Stanhope Defence" regarding words that people find offensive. Watch the clip. Anyway, where were we? "I'd love to finish my story (how many times have I mentioned it during this interview? I don't know), finish my education, carry on drawing!" We still don't know what the story is about. Maybe she could create an account on FML and come and tell us about it, a bit like the follow-ups. 

What made you want to draw? What inspires you? "A while back, I was in a community where people create animations on DS. I started creating my own animations, then I started drawing better. When the community closed down, I swore to carry on drawing. I was given a graphics tablet, and I was set." And what a good idea it was to keep going, you should never give up.

Are there any other artists whose DeviantArt accounts you check out now and again? "I love Yamio and Yennineii on Deviantart, I lie prostrate in front of their drawings, crying, "Argh, will I be able to draw like that one day?" Of course you will, there's no reason why not. Where there's a will, there's a way (well, that's my mindset when I think about my unrequited love for the girl who works in the bakery across from my building, who is still unaware of my feelings). 

What are your pleasures, pastimes and vices in life? "I like to draw, write, go out with my friends, play tennis, run, eat caramels (I always have some on me when I draw, even though I know drawing a lot means my waistline is going to suffer)." Nibbling while working is another modern day problem. People used to smoke while working (I'm not going to suggest that Chiara starts a 20 Benson and Hedges a day habit, that would probably be illegal), but banning smoking in workplaces has caused people to start eating candy, Twix, kebabs and cocaine. Oh, that's illegal too. 

Do you have a personal FML to tell us about? "Today, I got the scare of my life. I had an arts history exam, and one of the examinators' phones went off when I was talking. I was so frightened that I fell over. FML" Falling over, that's so Ally McBeal, and… oh yeah, that's a very '90s reference. Ask your parents.

To finish off the interview, can you give budding illustrators some advice? "Practice, obviously. And show your drawings to other people, because they often have a more objective opinion than we do about our work." And choose the other people wisely. Don't show your stuff to your cynical friends, for whom everything has to be viewed ironically. They have self-esteem issues, and will drag you down with them. Good luck! 

Right, turn off your TV and go and do! Thanks to Chiara for here illustrated FML. It's Friday, it's summer, let's put the dogs in the car, stick a great song on the radio and let's burn anything with Minions on it. There. Next week, it'll be something a bit different. It's a surprise, you'll see. Be excellent to each other!

What about you? If you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to [email protected] but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1529 - Illustrated FML - On 07/17/2015 at 9:35am by Alan - 9 comments

Cécilia's illustrated FML

It's summer ! It's a heatwave ! I'm well aware of that fact because I almost fainted in the street the other day, and I had to hide in a supermarket and sit in the airconditioned neon glow and wait for the weirdness to subside. Last week we were sort of celebrating the Paris Japan Expo, and yes, I know, that's done and dusted, but we're keeping the spirit alive by having another Manga-themed illustration this week. However, this week I'm not dressed in a cosplay outfit, I've slipped back into something more comfortable. I've put a trucker's hat on, along with a t-shirt that says "Jesus is coming" above a Minion, so I can fit in with the 2000 American tourists in my neighbourhood. Erm, what was I saying? Yes, this week's illustration has its lines deeply drawn in the Manga camp. Right, let's check it out, cosplay or not. Oh, and remember to hydrate yourself if it's hot. Chop chop.


"I've already drawn on sheets of toilet paper or on my thighs in the bathroom to pass the time."

Self portrait Cecifolle by Cécilia


As I've said, this week we're staying Manga with Cécilia. And it rhymes, sort of. She also goes by the nickname Cecifolle, which roughly translates as Cecicrazy, but Cécilia is better for the purposes of this article. 

Her info:
Age: 24
Location: La Garde, France
Her illustrated FML: The one with the sports bag

As you can see, Cécilia really is Manga. As we did last week, we're staying for a bit longer in the Japan Expo theme, which took place in Paris at the time. We could've shown both illustrations at the time, but like precious metals or really sweet candy, you have to consume them in small doses because what's rare is expensive. Or something like that. Cécilia is on the road to educating, or more precisely, "I'm preparing the exam to become a nursery school teacher, even though I have some trouble with spelling…" Yep, that's going to be a bit of a problem. You can't be a teacher if you write school with a K. I'd better do a proper spellcheck on this article now I've written that. If you see any odd spellings, don't hesitate to tell me. It does happen to me a lot, I know. 

She likes to draw: "What I like is to provoke an emotion in other people, and give my drawings life with a few lines, which is why I like to sketch. What I'd like is a bit more self confidence so that I could create my own little world and then show it to other people." Saying a "few lines" shows a lack of self confidence, because she already draws pretty well from where I'm sitting, you just have to check out the few examples on this blog page. 

As for her news, it's obviously all about the kids. "For the moment, I draw for my own personal pleasure, but I'd like to make albums for children, as a sideline to my career as a teacher, but with more of an occidental style than a Japanese one I guess. My heart is torn between the two. I'd also like to create my own mangas, well, I've got a small project on the go which will short see the light of day on my blog, as soon as I've reached the right drawing standard." It's true that we'd like to see what she'd be capable of producing in a more "traditional" style, outside of the Manga style. Maybe she could come back at a later date and create another illustrated FML to show us what she can do? 

Where did you go to school? "I went to school from nursery school to high school in my hometone La Gare. I then went to Nice to study Psychology. I blew my mind. Once I got my third year diploma, I went to the ESPE (education school) to learn how to teach." Small world. I studied Psychology too, I got to the fourth year then got a job as a… sound designer. It can get you anywhere. And I know Nice a bit, too. I'm going back at the end of the month to… Erm, I'm not going to tell you my life story, we're here to talk about Cécilia, but I will say that it'll be the Guacamole festival. 

What or whom made you want to draw? What inspires you? "My grand-father, at first, who was a Disney fan. He always showed me his drawings and taught me to draw with circles. In middle school, I didn't know the internet or Mangas and all that, but I was given my first Manga DVD box set and I met some friends who were really into that sort of stuff. It was then in high school that I really got interested when I met a girl who had a lot of talent, she really motivated me, and I followed in her footsteps. I created a blog, she showed me the graphics tablet and it was a revelation. It was only by the end of my Psychology diploma, two years ago, that I started to draw seriously so I could make progress."

Besides the talented girl, are there any other artists that you check out? "Her artist name is Hadh. Otherwish, there's Nadou, Maliki and Mi eau. There are so many." 

What are your pleasures in life? "I love animals, I'm crazy about them, I should've been a vet… But other than that, I love doing nothing, being at home, drawing, watching TV shows… I don't really like going out. Maybe because I'm still a student, paradoxically I like playing life simulation games where you have to do lots of things, like administrate a farm (Harvest Moon). I don't really have a passion because I like everything: cooking, piano, TV shows, movies, but I consider them to be hobbies. I think I'm going to make my job as a teacher my passion." 

Do you have a personal FML to share with everyone? "Off the top of my head : Today, I've entered for the first time into my new apartment to take some measurements. I've gone out onto the balcony, closing the door behind me, but the bay door clicks shut. It's locked, it's January, my phone and my jacket are inside, I'm on the 4th floor. I'm cold. FML". Well done, the whole team agrees, you deserved it.

To finish off, can you give some words of advice to anyone starting off in illustrations and drawing? "Draw what you love." That's pretty succinct, but it's quite good advice. I've tried to teach friends how to play the guitar, and it's pretty much what I tell them to do. It can be quite pointless trying to learn songs they don't really know or like, the easiest thing to do is stick on a song they love and try and pick up the chords or parts of the song by ear. If they can do that, they're halfway there. I'm guessing that drawing works the same way. If you start by trying to copy the drawings you love, and you'll get there eventually. I should try it too!

That'll be it for now! Thank you Cécilia for taking part in. I don't think I've left any spelling mistakes, and if there are, it's your fault for being a terrible teacher! This weekend it's a train journey down the south of France for me, I'm going to see some friends and hang out. Next week we'll be getting another illustration, and the week after that will be a surprise! You'll see. Have a very funny Vine, and be excellent to each other until next week. We'll let Cécilia have the last word. Take care. 

What about you? If you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to [email protected] but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1528 - Illustrated FML - On 07/10/2015 at 8:22am by Alan - 9 comments

Angie's illustrated FML

Here we go again. This week I'm talking to you live from the Paris Japan Expo. I'm dressed up as Bernard from the Sailor Moon series, and I almost got kicked out because my katana wasn't the standard sharpness. So, as you've guessed, we're all about mangas this week. We're striking a pose, we're all anime and we're forgetting all about the heat wave by going on a cosplay spree, which doesn't make you feel the heat AT ALL. I'm guessing that a few people are going to get heat stroke during the exhibition, so friends, remember to rehydrate as much as possible. Let's start this week's interview!


"Watashi wa Ange Desu. Hajimemashite! For those of you who don't speak the language of the land of the rising sun, I'm Ange, enchanted!"

Self portrait Ange par Angie


We've got a case of split personalities this week. "I'm known on the internet as Ange de Cristal (Crystal Angel) or Ange Krystaleen (your guess is as good as mine), but my friends call me Angie. It's shorter, you see. Why this nickname? Simply because I believe in Guardian Angels. Yep, I like that sort of thing, and it's working out alright for me. As for the Cristal bit, it's because I like precious stones, and my aim at the time was to have a drawing style with colours that looked like shiny crystals, etc. Today, 10 years later, I'm told that it's pretty successful, and that my nickname suits my illustrations! So I'm happy. "Ange Krystaleen" has become the name of a character I've created to represent me on the internet, and that I like to play on role-playing games forums." OK, I get it. I'm going to stick to Angie for the rest of the article.

Her info:
Age: "52, but you have to invert the numbers otherwise it doesn't correspond to my date of birth."
Location: "Château d'Olonne, France. A short walk from the beach. I can feel your jealousy!"
Website: Her Facebook page and her DeviantArt page
Her illustrated FML: The one with the kimono

Angie is as you can tell, quite manga. Her illustration style is quite obviously influenced by the whole genre. She IS the whole genre, and since in Paris we've got the Japan Expo going on at the moment, it's perfect timing. It's almost like it was planned. Anyway, Angie doesn't seem to want to live the way the rest of us do: "No, I don't want to find a real "job" (like some people like to say to artists, the same people who don't know that an illustration isn't something you throw together in a couple of minutes, computer or not) if it's to scowl when I get up in the morning." I think we all dream of this sort of utopia, but... you need to money to live and buy useless crap and deodorant. I didn't ask where she got her money from. "I don't have any wild ambitions, I like drawing for people, there's a lot less pressure, and being in contact with them is a lot more cordial. So my income is quite variable and quite low, but... at least I put all my heart into it, my job is stress free, people like the results and my clients call back!" That's cool, it's a bit like us here at FML!  

What is it that you enjoy about what you do? What do you need ? "I like everything. When I draw, I get to escape. Some people need drugs to do so, I just need my drawing tablet, or a pencil and paper. It clears my mind. And it allows me to organise myself the way I want to. If I want to get out of bed at 10 am, I can. If I want to draw until 2 am, I can. If I want to watch Hentai, I... Erm, no, forget about that one. What I need? Not much really. As long as I can draw and that I've got my PC, internet access and my tablet, no need for anything else! (And thanks to my parents for supporting me, for understanding my passion and encouraging me)." I think that my parents would have booted me around the garden if I'd asked them to support my drawing career, but then again, I'm shit at drawing. 

No news for Angie, nothing seems to be going on. Oh, maybe one thing. "I ate an apple at lunchtime." But as for projects, things have been stirring, sort of. "If you'd have asked me two months, I would've answered that with a friend we tried to propose a text-based role playing website for high schools to use to help kids to learn french all while having fun. It was tested successfully in my old high school, teachers and students liked it. But once presented on the internet, it wasn't so popular. So now the idea is on stand bye, but we'll try it again in few years. So my current projects are just to make a living from my drawings." So, there you have it, if you need some special manga drawings done, contact Angie. 

What's your story schoolwise? "I did training over several diplomas to set up canine and feline kennels, because I wanted to start breeding huskies. These days I've got a husky, but breeding them is a long forgotten dream, thrown into a dumpster. Big problems, unexpected problems, so goodbye project." Raising huskies? Sounds like the start of a movie where a demented cousin starts a weird business and ruins the family reputation.

What made you want to draw, who inspired you? "I've been drawing since I was a child, with a great attraction for it, so nothing special really drew me towards it, it comes naturally. The manga style imposed itself when I was 10. I discovered Pokemon, and Japanese culture. I was off! I immediately caught on to the expressive faces of the characters, and the originality of the stories. And I grew up with it, with Cat's Eyes (I watched that when I was 6 or 7 but I didn't know it was Japanese at the time, it was my favourite cartoon), Pokemon, Sakura, Yu-Gi-Oh and others that were on TV at the time when I was a kid. Then when the internet arrived in my house when I was 15 made me want to share my drawings and thus progress by being inspired by other amateur artists, especially on Zelda fan art, and these artists are now friends. Then, during a difficult time of my life, that there was a way to make money out of it and nice people to meet via the web. So I began buckling down. Ten years later, I have no regrets." 

Speaking of other artists, whose work do you check out? "I follow people's work on Deviant Art. My favourites are Emperpep, an Indonesian artist who creates crazy watercolours, Bombay Piko, who is also Indonesian, qui makes beautiful drawings with crayons. In France there's Krystal, now known under the name Nacrym, who is the artist who REALLY inspired me in the beginning ! And to finish off, a real good friend of mine who has a manga style that I really love.

What are your pleasures or vices in life? "Besides drawing, talking with my friends, I take part in a lot of role playing games that take place on a forum via text and I really want to be able to expose my work in a convention, like Japan Expo and others because I really have fun doing so, I've already tested it by encroaching on the Fanzine Némesis stall (of which Alyciane and Nacrym are members). My little pleasures: candy and melted cheese. My vices: I don't have any, of course, I'm too perf... What? Oh, I shouldn't mention that?" 

Have you got a personal FML to share? "Today, I was sat on the toilet and I was thinking about the photo of a spider in the middle of a toilet roll that I saw on the internet. What are the odds that a nice specimen would also be inside my toilet roll and would fall onto my leg as I was trying to wipe? 0%? I thought so too. FML" Spiders are a classic source of FMLs.

To finish off, do you have any advice for budding artists? "Above all else, draw FOR YOURSELF. What you like, that inspires you. The best results are there. Practise as much as possible, there's no secret. Never give up, despite your level or bad criticism. Always try out new things and observe the drawings of the people you admire. Believe in yourself and your capabilities, stay motivated. Accept also that it's going to be tough if you want to do it full time. It'll work out, over time! And if you don't believe me, check out this video of my progress." Impressive stuff.

That's it for this week! Thanks Angie for your drawings and your talent, it's a good to have different styles on FML. It's now time to put on our bathing suits and to go and take a cold shower to get through the heat wave that is knocking our brains into submission. If it's cold where you are, well, use your imagination. This weekend I'm going to site in caves and listen to SunnO))) records, it's the only way to avoid the heat. See you next week !

What about you? If you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to [email protected] but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1527 - Illustrated FML - On 07/03/2015 at 5:57am by Alan - 9 comments