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Online Dating with FML

     The world is a scary place. Every day you wake up and you’re confronted with the same old terrifying ordeals. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got to the point where my first reaction when opening my eyes in the morning is to emit a bloodcurdling howl while grabbing hold of my genitals, and then fleeing to the bathroom to check my reflection to see if I’m still human. I once read that Kafka novel about the bloke who turns into a massive beetle, and I’m still not sure that it’s not going to happen to me, although I’ve had hangovers that have come pretty close.

     To find some sort of self-validation, we get ourselves entangled in relationships with other humans (because relationships with beetles are pretty dull, and they never want to go down the pub or eat anything other than stuff from behind the oven), but finding other humans in these modern times is like trying to find a fart in a bubble bath. It’s nigh on impossible by conventional means. Going up to strangers in the street can get you a smack in the head. So what do we do, as a collective mass of cattle? We turn to the Internet.

Today, I met a really nice couple at a bar. We talked and the conversation eventually drifted towards online dating. I casually commented that hooking up through the Internet was sad and pathetic. Turns out they met on Myspace. FML

     The effin’ Internet. The place where dreams not only go to die, but then become pixel-shaped zombies that haunt you forever. It’s a great way to get into contact with someone on the other side of the world, to find out what they are having for breakfast, or to offer them the chance to become a mail-order bride. And that’s what we do now. We sit at home, typing away, staring at a screen, hoping for some sort of redemption through virtual love, only to wind up pouring money into some sort of scam where you think you’re going to meet Olga, the beautiful Russian maiden from Moscow, but in fact you’re probably going to get a brick through your window if you even think of calling the police.

     Here on FML, we get a lot of stories about Internet dating. Or lack of it.

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. After completing their personality quiz, I set the distance to a 60 mile radius of where I live. Then to the country. Then to the whole world. I got no matches for any of the settings. FML

     I’m guessing that if you’re on FML, you’re probably a bit a loner; you live with cats. You have one of those Peruvian hats that covers your ears that you bought one day when the wind was quite nippy. You don’t like going out to fashionable nightspots because you can’t hear what people are saying over that shitty music. You have too many sad pop music recordings… Oh, hang on, that’s not you, that’s me. Anyway, maybe you’re like me. But I’m guessing that maybe you’ve tried online dating, maybe even a dating website. I have. It was awful. I can smile about it now but at the time it was terrible. A lot of people out there are weirder than you could ever imagine.

Today, I was excited for my first date in a while, with a "tall handsome business man." Turns out he "doesn't feel emotions anymore", likes getting peed on, and "doesn't do condoms." Thanks, Internet dating. FML

     I’ve been there, sort of. Nothing as bad. But enough to make me want to give up. The Carpenters sang the wonderful “Goodbye to love”. I’d rather sing something along the lines of “Goodbye to Internet weirdoes”. A lot of people around me have the same sort of horror stories to tell. It’s like the Internet dating pool is a holding pen for the worst kind of individual: sexist idiots, crazy-eyed single mums, lonely, deluded people who are looking for an impossible ideal mate, My Little Pony fans, ego-driven nitwits with an over-inflated self-worth for whom no one will ever do (except mummy or daddy, hello Freud), people who find it acceptable to fart on a first date, people who will reject you for the most ridiculous reason (wrong hair colour, religion, car, boots, pets, attitude to cycle lanes…). It’s a twisted world out there.

Today, I went on a date with a seemingly nice guy I met online. He was drunk when I got there. Within the first 10 minutes, he had told me I was "like Hitler but with boobs", and I was "offensive to the ninja community." Then he said I just wasn't all he had hoped for and left. FML

     The Internet is obviously scam-central. Be warned: people are out to get you. No need to be totally paranoid, just a little bit wary. Don’t sign anything. Don’t give your credit card details. Don’t be an idiot. Keep an eye out for the signs.

Today, I overheard my mother Skyping with her new "boyfriend" about the $1,000 she just sent him. She barely knew what Internet dating was three weeks ago. FML

     The obvious traps are obvious. You should get to know the people online properly first before meeting them. Otherwise, this might happen:

Today, I decided to go meet up with a guy that I met online for the first time. All he could talk about was how he expects me to "clean, cook, and submit" my body for sex at least twice a day when we get married. FML

     If you stay true to yourself, talk openly and are honest, you should be OK. Despite crap experiences, I’ve met some wonderful people via the Internet. You just have to make sure you’re not talking to a complete nutcase by asking the right questions. If they start talking about their snow-globe collection or they mention Jesus every 10 words, you might be in trouble. It’s probably best to pretend that you have to go abroad to dig tunnels in a desert. However, writing to someone can strip away the superficial crap; it can bring out the best in people. The hardest part is sustaining the momentum when you meet in person. If you sparkle in writing but have the body language of a telegraph pole, you’re in trouble. But that’s a subject for another article. For now, you can use FML’s PM system to meet new people and engage in thoughtful conversations. Just don’t go hitting on people by asking them questions about their genitals. Not straight away.

#1410 - Ramblings - On 10/08/2013 at 10:02am by Alan - 59 comments

Eva Roussel's illustrated FML

Good morning folks! It's a lovely day to go and have fun outside, to let the sun burn your skin a little, and have a drink or two with your friends. Or, you could just stay at home and enjoy today's illustration, brought to you by our very French Eva Roussel. For our greatest pleasure, she illustrated a top classic FML. Hang on to your seat, let's roll out the red carpet for her.

 

 

-Hello Eva! Please introduce yourself.
-My name is Eva Roussel. I have no nickname or surname, Eva is short enough! But I named my blog "Les Cheveux emmêlés" (translation: "Tangled hair") because, well, I have hair issues!

-How old are you?
-I'm 24

-Where do you live?
-Paris, France.

-What's your job?
-I'm a graphic designer for a tutoring website. But I also do graphic design, web design and illustration as a freelancer.



 

-What's your journey?
-I did an Art school in the Nièvre, France. After getting my bachelor's degree, I went to Paris to study Illustration, in Corvisart. After that, I studied 3 years in Graphic Design, in Itecom Art Design school. I got my diploma and got hired in the agency that I still work for.

-What are your inspirations?
-I follow a lot of design blogs or websites about for web design to stay connected to what's made. I discover a lot of graphic designers or illustrators, and a lot of different styles which inspire me all the time. I'm also a big fan of great illustrators like Barbara Canepa, Manu Larcenet, Clément Lefèvre, Mc Bess, Mickael Knapp… But I don't know if we can speak of inspirations, they're too big for it !

-Do you read web comics? If so, which ones?
-I have to admit that I don't. I love the object too much. But in fact, I'm not a web comic expert at all.

 

-Tell us more about your blog?

-For now I just have a blog, and I recently subscribed to Behance. My blog is more for my illustration works and sketches. It's a space to share, freer than a website. My Behance account is a portfolio, it's more professional. But above all, it's a place to share, exchange and discover with other graphic designers or illustrators. I'm actually working on my website's design; I hope it be ready soon. Then I will have a professional space, a connected space and a free one!


-How do you work?
-Most of the time I do the sketch with a pencil, I scan it and finalize it with Photoshop or Illustrator. Sometimes I work directly in Photoshop. But I also like working with nib and ink. Anyway, I'm still trying to find myself!

-Why did you choose this FML story?
-I made a short list of the stories which made me laugh. Then I tried to visualize it. I chose the one I could really have fun with.

 

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 


Eva Roussel's website: http://lescheveuxemmeles.blogspot.fr/

 

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#1409 - Illustrated FML - On 09/28/2013 at 5:30pm by Alice - 4 comments

Cendres's illustrated FML

Hello everyone! It’s Saturday once again, so let’s delve into the murky world of illustrated FMLs and see what we can come up with. If you’re a Harry Potter fan, this will be right up your street as well. This week we’re crossing over with our VDM counterparts and welcoming a French artist called Sandre Lepile, AKA Cendres.

He’s 36 and lives in Angoulême, in the middle of France, a town famous for its Cartoon festival as well as being the place where the strawberry was invented in 1987. So, who is this guy? “I’m a journalist at the Daily Planet, specializing in culture: movies, expositions, novels, comics. But I like to be served coffee and croissants, I’ve been told that I do it rather splendidly, with a soupçon of arrogance.”

His school days were particularly terrible, so bad in fact that “if you mention them three times in front of a mirror, they appear in order to brutally murder you.”

His current projects include filling his blog with other 120 notes about the world of Harry Potter, but as he’s superstitious, he won’t let on about anything else he might have planned for the future.

So, we haven’t learned very much about Cendres. Maybe the standardized questionnaire that we’ve got here at FML will reveal some vital information. Here we go:

Cats or dogs?

I had written some sexual innuendo, but my wife found it very vulgar and demanded that I change it. I can only obey her upturned eyebrow, dilated nostrils and reproachful look, and answer seriously: both.

What are the latest things you enjoyed at the movies, in books, in music and comics?

At the movies, I recommend a French movie: Le Prénom (the Surname). It’s funny, intelligent and rare.

In music, unfortunately, I have bad listening ears and my choices may make yours bleed.

In literature, go back to a good old classic and read Prelude to Foundation by Isaac Asimov.

In comic books, of course you must read the latest one by Piratesourcil and Joueur du Grenier.

Who are the main artists you enjoy and whose blogs you visit regularly?

Piratesourcil, because as well as being a talented, he’s a nice guy.

Paka, because his tetchiness makes us want to latch on to him, and as a result, it makes him even tetchier.

Schmoll, because he likes to throw himself into huge graphic challenges.

Ben Dessy, because you just have to check out his blog to love him.

Tell us what you like in life, your passions, pastimes, vices, and little everyday pleasures.

To relax, between my work, my family life and drawing at night, I like sleeping. A lot. It’s quite a rare pleasure, but a very nice one. As for vices, I don’t have any, obviously.

Can you tell us a crap joke? Possible joker: if you don’t have a joke, you can tell us your biggest FML.

I have two jokes! Maybe you’ve heard them before, well, we’ll see.

The first one:

If after you got really drunk one night your wife makes you breakfast, massages your feet and lets you watch TV while she does the housework, it’s not because you’re still drunk, it’s because the day before, coming home, you got the wrong house.

The second one:

A guy wakes up at home, after a drunken night out. His wife has made him breakfast in bed, toast, a flower in a glass and all the trimmings. Surprised, the guy asks her why he’s getting so much attention. She says, “Well, last night, you came home so drunk that you destroyed the table in the living room, broke three vases and then crashed out in the bed with your clothes still on. I was furious, and when I tried to take your pants off to put you to bed, you shouted at me, “Don’t touch me bitch, I’m married!”

Do you have a phobia? If so, what is it?

I’m really afraid that Harry Potter fans will recognize me in the street and will savagely beat the crap out of me for what I dared to do to the saga.

To finish off, ask yourself a question that you would’ve liked to have been asked and then choose whether or not to reply.

I would’ve asked: Between 1 and 10, where do you see yourself physically? And I’d probably answer: 10. But all this is hypothetical, of course. We will never know.

 

Now, to see Cendres's illustrated FML, click here.

 

So, there we go, another illustrated FML is in the can. Thanks to Cendres for taking part, we had a lot of fun. Now it’s time to say goodbye for this week. Next week we’ll be recognizing the power of cats that can paint and then probably crying over the end of Breaking Bad.

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#1408 - Illustrated FML - On 09/24/2013 at 3:48am by The FML Team - 21 comments

Kat Gesiriech's illustrated FML

Hey hey hey! It's Saturday, which usually means no school or work today, and of course it means a brand new illustration brought to you by our one and only... Kat Gesiriech! Maybe you know her already, her kawaii-super Disney princess made a good impression on the world wide web lately. Well, she's not just really talented with kawaii drawings, she'll also blow your mind with her amazing sense of light. Let's get the chance to know her, shall we? 

 

 

-What are your name, surname and nickname? Why did you choose this nickname?
-Name’s Kathryn Gesiriech, but Kat for short. The very boring explanation is because I like cats a whole lot.

-How old are you? 

-The wide-eyed and tender age of 23.

-Where do you live? 

-Las Vegas, NV. I promise that it’s nowhere near as interesting as it sounds, and is a bit of a sinkhole for artists looking to break from the "Sin City" mold.

-What's your job? 

-I’m in the job-seeking business, as it were, while I finish up the last semester to complete my English degree. I worked as a writing consultant (fancy tutor) a few months ago.

-What's your journey?

While writing has always been a great passion of mine, I’ve been drawing for just as long. I’d go on to say that my journey hasn't really even begun, because I have so much more to learn and experience (being primarily self-taught, aside from a few high school courses). Putting my stuff online has definitely been a great encouragement, and I only hope to improve upon my skills in the upcoming years. Rather than looking at what I've done so far, I like to think more about the future, and what my journey will eventually become. So long as I'm actively creating and contributing to visual art in some way, I'll be a lucky duck indeed.

 


-What are your inspirations?
-I take inspirations from a lot of places. I've always loved Western style comics, so I definitely read a lot of those-- mostly DC, although I'm always looking for new titles. Anything with a lot of color and intricate detail, or simply just the mood and style I'd someday love to incorporate into my own work. Artists like Tim Sale, Dave McKean and Brian Azzarello all capture this vibrancy to their work I aspire to. Outside of comics, I really admire Kelly Bastow (Moosekleenex on devianart) and Sallamari Rantala (fushii on deviantart). I definitely recommend checking both of them out, if you haven't already!

-Which webcomics do you read? 

-I’ve always enjoyed Liz Prince Power and Lackadaisy. They all have very different styles and reasons for reading them, but I've never limited myself to any genre niche.

-Tell me more about your website (why did you create it, etc.) and/or the creations you're selling?

I don’t have any super-awesome-official websites, just a tumblr and deviantart because I don’t take myself very seriously. In the near future I'd definitely love to develop a serious portfolio and maybe shove up my own website, but for now I'm just having fun and doing something that I love. I've recently placed a few prints up for sale on Society6, but I guess you could call my internet presence in the construction phase. Bear with me.

 


-How do you work?
-Lately I’ve been pushing myself to work digitally so I can learn my way around different programs, although I predominantly work in a very old version of Photoshop and SAI. Every once in a while I’ll sketch and ink traditionally, and if I’m feeling really wild I’ll yank out the old oil paints.

-Why did you choose this FML story? 

-I wanted to draw a Stormtrooper crying, and I can relate much more to nerdy FML's.

-Thank you Kat for taking part!

 

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 


Kat's website: http://darkkitteh.deviantart.com/

 

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#1406 - Illustrated FML - On 09/19/2013 at 1:02pm by Alice - 4 comments

FML's Family Portraits

Inspiration for a blog article can come from all sorts of places. For instance, someone sent us a link to these pictures on Reddit:


Source

We’re not sure if the person who took them was thinking of us, but we’d like to think that we’re the ONLY FML IN THE UNIVERSE. Yes, we invented FML. We created everything. Backrubs? We thought of that. Rhubarb crumble? That was us. You know that white stuff angry people get in the corners of their mouths? We invented that so we could giggle at them to make them even angrier. OK, so we didn’t invent the helicopter, but we could’ve, honest. We’re THAT smart (not counting the time we advised Miley Cyrus to twerk her bony ass at Robin Thicke in public. It was a JOKE, Miley, you weren’t supposed to actually do it.).


Anyway, back to the pictures. Whether we like it or not, we can’t choose our family. Well, you can on the Sims, which is probably what makes the game so popular. No longer does your Dad have to be the guy who stands in the front yard in nothing but graying boxer-shorts and sandals waiting for the postman to deliver his latest copy of 'Guns and Trucks Monthly'.

On FML, we could almost create a whole new category called 'Family' due to the amount of stories we receive about them, whether it's parents being heavy-handed, kids being pains in the buttocks or just the general malaise of family life in the 21st century.

Today, I somehow managed to trap myself in a mosquito net. My dad "rescued" me by calling the whole family in and making a big show of cutting me out of it with his hunting knife. I'm never going to hear the end of this shit. FML

Today, I found out that I'm the creepy uncle of the family. FML

Sounds bad, huh? Being eyed with suspicion by the people who are supposed to be the closest to you; I’ve felt like that a lot of the time, but then again I’m single, I don’t have kids, I don’t plan on changing any of that, and I like to party (albeit in a mild-manned, very English sort of way). In a lot of family reunions, beyond a certain age, that’s ground for immediate dismissal. You’re an outcast. It doesn't matter that cousin what’s-her-name is cheating on her husband with a guy from work who chews gravel, or that Uncle thingy has been married three times and his kids are morons who steal hubcaps from moving cars; not adhering to the ‘ideal’ of marriage and the ‘nuclear family’ is somehow worse than standing up at a family gathering and showing your swollen genitals,  claiming that you caught something rubbing your knob against the neighbour’s dog. Not that I’ve ever done that. Or ever done this:

Today, I was chatting online with several relatives, discussing our family reunion. Bored out of my mind, I clicked to rename the conversation to "Boring shit with almost dead people." I didn't know it'd rename it for everyone. FML

What’s great about families is that they’re never embarrassing. Oh, the ‘never’ is ironic, for those who don’t ‘do’ irony. They’re not always embarrassing, but they can be a great source of shame, from the 'I was a fat ugly baby' pictures shown to a new girlfriend/boyfriend to this sort of thing:

Today, I brought my Japanese girlfriend home for dinner with my family for the first time. They all got drunk and made heaps of racist jokes right in front of us. My dad forgot her name and started calling her "Rice Ball" instead. FML

Today, I realized my family is the textbook definition of redneck after listening to my grandpa threaten to smash with an excavator the trailer that my uncle lives in behind our house if he didn't return the set of tires he had stolen and pawned from my grandpa's garage. FML

Families are also a great source of strife, hatred and tension, because most people can’t be bothered to get along. A lot of the hate is kept hidden, but if you dare to take a peek behind the curtain, you’ll soon see what people really think of each other and what is actually going on beneath the smiles and cucumber sandwiches:

Today, I was at a big family reunion at my aunt's place. Before dinner, I went outside in the garden for a smoke. Through the kitchen window, I saw my cousin spit in the soup. Twice. My aunt patted his back and continued stirring. FML

Today, my aunt and uncle stole $584 from me, since I'm moving out. Their reasoning? I stole things. When I asked what I'd stolen, my aunt looked me straight in the eye and said "Milk Duds." FML

And of course, your mum and dad. As Philip Larkin wrote in his famous poem ‘This be the verse’:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

On FML, they do stuff like this:

Today, I held a party for my family so I could announce my pregnancy. In the middle of my speech, my mother stopped me, saying, "Nobody gives a rat's ass, where's the booze?" FML

Today, my estranged father, who is a cop, decided to show up to my 17th birthday party. He immediately began arresting people for underage drinking. Way to mend fences, dad. FML

We could go on; the list of grievances is endless. Here at FML, we’re all inclusive, all encompassing: no matter what creed or colour you are, we’re just a bunch of like-minded individuals, a huge collection of slightly annoyed people. You could call us your family, your big, dysfunctional, badly dressed, halitosis-infected, clumsy, misguided family. And we love you for it. See at the next reunion; bring some of your famous-for-being-awful potato salad.

#1405 - Ramblings - On 09/17/2013 at 4:20am by Alan - 23 comments


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