Back to business! Yep, everyone is back from their vacation, unless you're a rich, childfree, lovin' life-type of person who doesn't go on holiday when everybody else does, and can do whatever they want, whenever they want. Lucky you. We've put our beach towels and swimming costumes into storage ready for next year, and we're settling back into our old routine. Like, for example, being depressed, "watching the telly and thinking 'bout your holidays," bad personal hygiene and remembering the annoying neighbours and their shitty music blaring at 2 am, every night. To soothe the pain and suffering brought about by not being in a camper van near a lake anymore, let's check out this week's illustrated FML. So chic! 

RoSaCe'S ILLUSTRATED FML

Selfportrait RoSaCe by Croquis Sartoriaux
 

To feel like we're back in the saddle, RoSaCe has done an illustration for us. A new school year has begun, so we're overhauling the format a bit. Just a bit, though. 

His info:
Age: 32
Location: Paris, France
Website: His blog
His illustrated FML: The one about Asia

We asked ourselves what the people who come to this page would like to see? There are FML members who come here to learn more about the artist of the week, and to find out who the hell created the weird-ass artwork. Others want to see the illustrations we've selected to go with the article. So, we thought it would be a good idea to add a few more drawings and stuff by the illustrator, all taken from their website or blog. How great is that? For those of you who read the words I type out while I'm sitting in my hovel under a smelly bridge, it'll be more or less the same. The jibberjabber will be kept to a minimum. There will still be a bunch of jibberjabber though, and this sentence is proving my point because I can't think of a way to end this bit, so I'll just paste in a link to a animation, click on it. But if anyone has a suggestion for these articles, and/or something you would like to see featured on here, drop us a line in the comments down below. No requests for pictures of my arse, though.

Let's move on to this week's artist, because that's what we're here for. "I work for a headhunting company." Don't get worked up and start thinking he's talking about the shrunken heads of faraway tribes in weird places like Gloucester, it's got nothing to do with all that malarkey. He helps people to find jobs, even when said people aren't actually looking for one. Yes, it does happen. And does he enjoy doing what he does? "I enjoy challenges, the relationships I have with my clients as well as the people I'm hunting down (who can also become clients too!). In my artistic world, I like having ideas and then being able to make them into an illustration that will have an impact. This comic strip for FML is a new exercise for me, I usually only draw one frame!" Oh, yep, that sort of illustration wouldn't have made it past the rigorous selection committee that we have here at FML; studies have shown that one-frame comic strips are 61% less successful than the rest. I completely made that statistic up, but that doesn't stop it from being true. 

How's the rest of your life? "My personal life revolves around the fact that I love being with my wife and kids!" I should hope so, saying the opposite would've been weird (even if I know people who say the same, and mean it). 

RoSaCe's blog is quite unusual. Based on the world of fashion, his illustrations are original and I recommend you go an check them out, especially if you like fashion, and if you're a fan of subtle humour (although a degree in French is required). He's also created advertisements for clothing companies, which allows him to mix business with pleasure. Click here to check one out. 

Let's ask the usual question, what sort of things is he up to at the moment ? "I'm sort of 'specialised' in men's fashion, so I've done quite a few adverts for various fashion brands, as well as for some websites, and for some companies who needed corporate communication items. I should also be creating a cover for novel, a very exciting project for me." That's lucky, this weekend it's the Who's Next expo in Paris, and that's bang right in the theme of this article. It's almost like I did it on purpose. OK, I've already said something like that a few weeks back about an illustration that was in tune with Japan Expo, but still, it was totally planned. Like, totally man. Yeah.

What's your story, dude? Can I call you dude? "I studied law and went to business school. I stopped working for a year so I could concentrate on my illustrations, and I'm dipping back into the job world to support my family." That's honorable, family is everything. Or is it booze? I can never remember which one is which.

What are you inspired by? Was there someone or something that made you want to start drawing? "My daily life is my main source of inspiration, my exchanges with my readers give me new ideas. As I'm very much fixated on "men's fashion", it's a very active microcosm, where I've been able to use forum culture, ie. people who post on fashion forums and the main movers and shakers in the industry (companies, brands, bloggers, clients, etc.). As for drawing, I can't really remember starting. When I was 2 years old, my parents would find me at 2 am in the living room reading comic books, so I've always been immersed in it." I was also immersed in the whole genre, but I'm still as shit as drawing as when I took over this blog section. I did consider posting an illustration of mine every week, but my characters always end up looking like extras from the Walking Dead. I don't have that magic touch, unfortunately. 

As for your projects, what's going on? "Developing new collaborations; I'd like to work for press organisations." Let's hope that this column and his illustrated FML brings him some interest from prospective clients. 

What else do you enjoy in life? What sort of pastimes do you like? "Between my job, my drawings, my wife and rugby (I've been a rugby player for over 20 years), I'm quite happy with the way I fill my days at the moment! Other than all that, I like nice jackets, suits and nice shoes. It's a passion that can become expensive quite quickly, so I've become the king of second hand shops!" His passion for clothes is in tune with his blog, he's definitely a collector, and I can only imagine what it's like in his house. It must be like Ali Baba's cavern, but a bit more dandyish. With not much in the fridge because all the cash has gone on clothes and shoes! Be careful with your money, sunshine. It's all very well being nicely dressed and stuff, but you might end up being the best-dressed homeless guy in your post code!

Who are the main artists you like and whose blogs you check out? "The master Boulet of course and Laurel, whose Californian adventures I check out all the time. I follow Monsieur le Chien (Mr Dog) whose observations are very good." Do you have any heroes? "No heroes as such, but I like the literary works of people like Jean Raspail, Jean Christophe Rufin, Dino Buzatti… In the comic book world, I really like, in no particular order, Pratt, Manara, Trillo, Lauzier, Voutch, Sempé, Faizant…"

Got a personal FML you'd like to share? "I'll spare you the stories about babies and poop and vomit everywhere. I had a job interview at 2:30 pm and my shoes were at the cobbler's. I get on my scooter wearing a suit with some flip-flops, thinking I'd put my shoes on once at the cobbler's. I get there at around 2:10 pm to find he was on a lunch break from 2 pm to 3 pm. I was on the verge of having to choose between turning up for the interview in flip-flops, or arriving properly dressed but 30 minutes late. Luckily, it all turned out fine in the end." Now, great story, but riding on a scooter is dangerous. Not because it makes driving tricky, but because if you have an accident, you might end up with skinless feet. Damn, I've turned into a boring old fart. 

That'll be it for this week. We can now go off to look for clothes, shoes and a whole new visual identity. I'm sure that RoSaCe would be happy to give you advice, or more specifically, make snide remarks about your dress sense, you badly-dressed muppet! As for me, I'll see you next week. Remember to be excellent to each other and stay safe (no flip flops on your moped, capiche?).

What about you? If you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

Come on, no need to make that face ! Yep, it's sadly the last, mournful days of Summer. People are packing up their beach balls and flip flops, putting their caravans back into storage and trying to forget about their cheap holiday in other people's misery. But let's remember that it's also Friday, which means it's also the weekend for those of us who couldn't go off on vacation for two months, due to financial or logistical reasons. So let's plough straight into the first post-summer illustrated FML with gusto and cheese!

PAULINE'S ILLUSTRATED FML

Self-portrait Pauline by POLET'

 

This week, Pauline is with us to help transition back from our vacation into regular life. It's the second time she's been featured on FML, so you can be less kind that the first time, but don't be too mean. 

Her info:
Age: 27 
Location: Port-la-Nouvelle, France
Blog: Her blog and her website
Her illustrated FML: The one with the rubbish holiday

OK, I'll admit it, I'm currently a bit on vacation myself at the moment. Pauline had already created an illustrated FML for us all, you can check it out by clicking on this link. It was right in the aftermath of our April Fool's Day prank, you know, the really successful one that everyone loved (well, almost everyone). What, what do you mean you never saw it? Go check out this link here and have a laugh using the generator thing. It's really funny. Anyway, I digress. As I said, Pauline is back with an illustration that clearly represents the perfect vacation FML. But you guys who are reading this right now, how was your vacation? Did you get one this summer? Was it shit? Or was it dreamy. Tell us about it in the comments below, we need to know that someone got it worse than us, but also got it better. We need aspirations and inspiration! My summer was shitty, due to no money left after bad investments in bent skateboards and anti-gravity hoverboots that don't work.

What did Pauline do for the summer? "I worked, because the brave don't get time off (and there's no vacations for those of us who couldn't afford any, period). Between my job as an illustrator and my summer job, anything related to the sun, the beach and lounging around is put back to another year, or another lifetime, when I'll be filthy rich and able to afford to say "Hey! How about I did nothing for 2 months?"" Hey, sounds like me. 

OK, so if you could've gone on holiday, where would you have gone? Recommend a destination please. "A region? How about mine, it's pretty cool. There's the sea, smooth sand, loads of cheap wine, food dripping with olive oil and if you like castles and medieval festivals, we've got that too as a bonus. Oh and we're 2 hours away from Barcelona. OK, sometimes it can get quite windy. Your hair can get quite horizontal." I can confirm all that, I know the area. Add that wind to the sand, and you get a free face peel. But it's quite a relaxed place, if you ignore the monster trucks and hard drugs. Oh, sorry, that's just my house. 

Last time, Pauline was talking about projects such as "invest herself totally in drawing to hope to release one, or several comic books. I've had a million ideas in my head for over a year. But unfortunately, I need to find the time. I also need to find the time to stop biting my fingernails and have real girl's hands, like ones belonging to girls who get manicures." So, what about this coming September, what's she got lined up? "So, this school year, I'll be working with several publishers on different projects. And to add a bit more excitement in the panties area, I'm leaving France to live abroad for a little while. I'd rather not say where, it's really super secret. You know what fans are like, you have to control your information. I'm already stalked a lot where I currently live… And I don't even know why I'm moving where I'm moving, I don't even like Guinness." Aaaaah, she's moving to Spain! No one pulls the wool over my eyes, sister!

You must have a vacation-related FML, to fit in with the theme? "Hmmm, if I think about it, my FML spreads over the whole of the summer, really. I must remind you that I live 10 minutes away from the beach, but I had to work all season in the shade and in away from the warmth. And my working days ended at 6 pm, so even hurrying myself with my beach towel, the sunlight was leaving the beach as I arrived on the sand. Which means that my skin looks like it belongs on a jellyfish. Which is nice." I live in Paris, so it's pretty much the same thing. And I made the mistake of shaving part of my beard, which meant that my skin has two shades of crap.

Speaking of which, what sort of weather can we expect over the next few days? People are interested in the weather. "I know more or less what the weather is going to be like in my new country… I think the raincoat will suit my oyster skin tone." Right, this article is becoming too dark, rainy and depressing! We need more sunshine! Quick, start the promo machine! 

So, got anything to sell? Now's your chance to promote anything you want! "Yeah! I very often illustrate articles written by my friend Marine Gasc, author of Raconte-moi L'Histoire ('Tell me the Story'). We created a bit of a buzz a few months back with the history of the clitoris. She's a lady with bags of talent and who's full of talent and incredibly funny (and beautiful without makeup as well). Tell me the Story was published in 2 tomes (for now). I'm really hoping that one day Marine Gasc's books will be added to the very closed and stuck-up circle of the school books, I swear schoolkids would fight to be able to get into a history class!" Good, many positive thoughts from all of us, hoping that the dream comes true.

To finish off, besides huge success with Marine, what can we hope for you for the rest of the year? "I'd like to rule the world. With huge breasts. And I'd like to stop waking up with shitty music stuck in my head." Huge breasts are overrated. I already have two of them, I'd like to get rid of them but that would mean stopping McDonald's, and that's not going to happen anytime soon. As for shitty music on your internal jukebox, there's not much I can do because I'm afflicted with the same neurological condition. Sometimes it's good songs, like this one by Felt (for those of you who've never heard of Felt, check 'em out quick sharp), but most of the time it's crap stuff like… No, I won't mention anyone. Pauline, I hope you find a cure, and if you do, contact me.

That's it for this week. Good luck to all of you who are going back to work on Monday. As for the rest of you, enjoy the weekend, get the last rays of sunshine and don't feel down, things could be worse. They probably could be better, but they definitely could be worse. Until next time, be excellent to each other, and check your nuts for lumps. Hugs.

What about you? If you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

It's here! Yep, time once more to delve into the darkest corners of the FML postbag and check out the stuff that never would've seen the light of day, had we not had a vicious streak in our brains. It's still going strong, month after month, and it was even mention by President Obama during a speech at… OK, alright. Anyway, let's get down to business. It may be summertime, but that doesn't mean we should dilly-dally and get lazy now. On with the show!

For the people who are new to FML and this column: we get sent tonnes of FMLs every day. We only publish a few because most are tediously mundane, as those of you who help out in the moderation page will all agree. Then there are those that we receive which are from a different planet altogether. This is a collection of some of the best of the worst FMLs that people have sent in to FML. Let's have a closer look.
 

Candy shop 

get this, my girl ni wer just foolin around inbed,got me all worked u,kissing my ear she whisper asked me if she could “lick my lollipop”, i say yes, she then looks down at my “tent” and says not tonight im quite tired lays down n falls asleep.i was so hard but couldnt jackit dueto myarm b broke FML
 

Snek

Today, me and my friend adam went for a walk to fas mart to buy some drinks. As we walked down the side of the road, adam stood five feet infront of me as i spoted a black, yello striped snake. I Jumped back screaming OH SH!T While adam almost stepped on it i screamed SNAKE and he screamed sh!t.FML
 

Hard times

Today, in 7-11, I went to the case that held the donuts. I got an erection. FML
 

Hard times II

today i found out i was a porn star when a guy aproched me and told me how much he loved my work of corse i was confused cause i work for mcdonalds well it turns out my boy freind has been tapeing us doing it for over a year now.fml!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Over the top

OKAY MY BOYFRIN RAPED ME IN THE BUTT WITH A KNIVES SO MY MOM TRIED TO CLEAN IT OUT! SHE PUT IN 3 WHOLE GALLONS OF BLEACH AN IT HURT SO BAYUDDDDD! NOW I AM PICKING OFF THE SCABS AND THERE IS A GREEN SLIME COME OUT!
 

Deal or no deal?

Today I found out that the boy I liked likes meback so I went up to him and asked to deal he looked at me like if I was crazy. Then I heard my friend who told me that he like me snicker. I turned to her and she said April Fools and we are in May…..
 

Fear of girls

Today i was looking at some pictures on facebook of these girls , and i notice how they all are wearing tiny little dresses and their asses are fucking hanging out i almost puked , it was freaking discusting ! and then it hits me this is why ALL guys think girls are skanks …ugggh FML
 

Seizer Chiefs

Today,i found out i cant donate plazma cuz they put the machine on high and i passed out and started to have a seizer so they ban me
 

Take a punt

Today, i had to take a massive dump, it was the size of a football. But my anus was too small. So i spent 4 hours at the hospital. FML

Puppy love

Today, i regained my site and realised for the past 3 weeks i have been hooking up with my dog. FML

 

That's it for August. We'll be back next month with a some more atrocious grammar and spelling, because there's plenty more in the FML vaults. You can probably see some yourself by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these are all collected from the website since its inception, so don't bother trying to send in your own weird FMLs to try and get them published here, it won't work. See you next month !
 

Bonus track: People cannot write things, or even use their brains to make up a story that seems possible. A lot of what we receive is straight to /r/ThatHappened territory, and we never never publish something that seems way too implausible. But this one, well, it's on the fence. Or is it?
 

Beware of fakes

Today, I met Mariah Carey. I paid $150.00 to have her sign a photo. After an hour I remembered Mariah Carey is pregnant, and most likely on bed rest. The Mariah I met was not pregnant. I paid $150.00 to have an impersonator to sign a picture. FML

Hello again, it's time for my weekly mudslinging article. Sorry, I meant to say that it's time for my helpful article to return to FML. Last week I helped a lot of young souls in torment. I'm not saying that I helped them out of torment, but I gave them a few pointers on how to get from torment to miserable. I'm doing good work here, I'm feeling drunk with power, and I now understand how Jesus felt. I'm here to cure you, so huddle up all you cold and hungry masses so that I may anoint and heal your pain. I've read this week's mail, it got me down, but then I poured myself a stiff glass of Scotch, and I'm ready to get cracking!
 

The basic idea: A few weeks ago, I asked those of you with problems to write in so that I could give you advice. My advice is based on decades of helping others, and the fact that people spend all their cash on silly therapies which are all placebo-based just boggles my mind and pops my eyeballs out onto the floor. I offer straight talk, which you'll either like or lump. Got it? Let's go. 

(The members of One Direction use therapy to help them prepare to slide back into anonymity)

I've read most of your messages. Yet again, I got a few "funny" messages, that I quickly rocketed into outer space, and came up with a list of people to help. Please bear in mind that this is for the good of the community, and is in no way a bunch of cheap shots at somebody else's expense. Everyone featured on this page is a willing participant, and knows what they are getting into.
 

Genuine

Our first question of the week is from Miss_Chevious :

"Dear Aunt,
My friend and I have written three books, how do we get them published? No literary agent has answered us in two months as of yet"

I'm starting out with this one because it was pointed out by its author as a "genuine problem". That's right, all you others writing in have lesser problems than Miss_Chevious. How d'you like them apples? She certainly thinks highly of herself, but what can I do to help? It's something I can actually relate to. I've been published several times, in several languages, but starting out was tough, so I know it's hard to get your message across to publishers, editors and agents. Then again, if you go about presenting your issues and work the same way to them as you did to me, it's not surprising no one is picking up any options. I'd be curious to know what these three books are about, and who the friend is. If there's three books, and none is garnering interest, there must be something wrong. Three books is quite impressive. Not many people write more than one in their lifetime. Maybe the reason no one is answering is that the books are cack. 
 

Drop it like it's hot

Selkca needs advice now:

"There is this girl I know from school and have wanted to ask her out for months and when I finally did I ended up texting her since it was the summer and all and she did the same with someone else before so I didn't think it would be a problem. She said she wasn't going to date anyone for a while then dated someone a week or 2 later and then they cheated on her. I have been texting her for a while now but I don't know what to do any advice?"

At the risk of sounding really obvious, she's just not that into you. You're going to have to let it drop. A great philosopher once said, "It's not because a girl is being nice to you that it means she wants to have sex with you." Live by those words and you'll be OK. Don't be a walnut and keep texting inane stuff to try and seduce her, it's not going to happen. I'm not saying you should become one of those annoying pick up artists who are obviously afraid of women, deep down, and need some sort of technique to talk to them, but remember that women are people too. She's allowed to not be attracted to you in "that way". Just be an adult about it, chalk it up to experience, and move on. Texting is for friends, if something was going to happen between you two, it would've already happened. What's your plan? Keep on texting while she has sex with other people, then she gets married, has kids, and you'll be still waiting for your moment to shine? Nah, screw that, just get on with your life!
 

Look at me

Another classic problem for greensumpark:

"Dear Auntie Bernie. I am going into eighth grade and can't make my parents take any interest in me. I have honor roll grades and know how to do several things that are at a high school level relating to academics. I clean the kitchen and most of the rest of the house and often make dinner. But they just ignore me. I have been trying since I was 9 but they just keep telling me I can do better even though my dad went to juvie and my mom went to an alternative high school. It seems like all they care about is my sister who is constantly antagonizing me and gets me in trouble. I don't even retaliate. they are over joyed when she brings home a 70 percent or higher but they just ignore me when I get an A or even an A plus. I thought I was just thin skinned but I'm not sure anymore. Please help me."

You know what? Screw them. Do things for you. Don't do things for other peoples' attention. Not even your parents. It's a good thing that your grades aren't totally shit, because they've got nothing they can use as leverage against you, so keep it up. One day, you'll be old enough to move away from their house, with your own job and then go on to start your own family. Only this time round, you'll be the one paying attention to your kids. For the time being, get your head out of your ass and get some self-respect. I know that this hurts, but parents can be tools too.
Philip Larkin's famous poem "This Be The Verse" goes:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

They have their faults, but it's not your fault. Life sucks, put on a crash helmet. Remember, you're doing all this work for yourself, for your own benefit, not so Mom and Dad have something to pat you on the head for.

Mr Perfect

A classic from damnitstrue: 

"Hi Auntie Bernie. So my boyfriend is leaving to serve in the army soon, and will only be able to see me 30 days a year, and that's if he sees me every single day of his vacation days. I just wanted to ask you some advice on long distance dating and how to learn how to be an army girlfriend?"

Let me see now, 365 days in year, 30 days a year, that's less than 10% of the year spent together. What would you rather have, a boyfriend who is around 90% of the year? Yes, me too. Your current boyfriend has chosen the military over you. It's his decision, and you can respect that, sure, I mean, it's possible he hasn't enlisted just to be able to kill foreign people, but you can't sit around waiting for conjugal visits, like he was in jail. It's just not possible, especially if you're young. The whole concept of "army girlfriends" and "army wives" boggles my mind. In my youth in the 1960s, we were all anti-war, we wanted to dismantle tanks and bombs and grow flowers in grenade launchers. We had idealism and values that went beyond protecting foreign oil interests disguised as bringing democracy. These days, young people blow their tops if you just as much as talk about the army in a negative light. I'm not saying don't support them, but do it on a an individual, one-to-one basis. Your boyfriend has chosen this lifestyle, it's a choice, he wasn't born this way, so he can't shove it down your throat. You don't need to learn to be any sort of girlfriend, you just need someone who is there for you. Army, schmarmy. Grab yourself a hippie and go live in a yurt.
 

The Graduate

Last question from lex1459, who is feeling neighbourly: 

"Hey Aunty Bernie!
How can I impress my hot new neighbour? He just moved in and we've only ever said hi to each other. Help!"

They say you should dress to impress. Or is it dress for success? I can never remember. Anyway, why on earth would you want to impress your neighbour, hot or not? Do you want to become known as the town bike? Leave the guy alone, he's just moved in, you randy mare. Besides, if he's only said hi to you the previous times, he probably knows that you should never shit where you eat. Having desires or worse, sexual congress with a neighbour is a recipe for disaster. Have you never seen Desperate Housewives? You'll end up in a murder-suicide pact so fast you'll barely have time to say, "Can you water my plants while I'm at the hospital getting a wart removed?" I had a tryst with a neighbour once, he was married and so was I. We'd meet in his garden shed every Thursday afternoon for some cake and then eating it, if you know what I mean. We were found out one fateful Thursday when I forget to lock the door and the pool boy walked in and tried to blackmail us. Don't go down that path, stay courteous and pure. Neighbours is a bad idea, so don't try it. Any Australian will tell you I'm right. 
 

There, that'll do for this week, I think I've given them food for thought. As I've said, if you wrote to me and you're a bit miffed that you weren't featured in this week's column, don't panic! You might appear next month. If you want to write to me to appear in the near future, my profile is here, or click on my message at the top of the comments under the article. 

Who are you? Who who?
 

This is last part of the column: the profile pic. The people who wrote to me also have faces. I don't mean the people who cheat by using pictures stolen from Instagram accounts belonging to pretty people (when in doubt: reverse image search on Google) and who lie and claim "Yes, that's me in the photo!", I'm talking about the people who are brave (or stupid) enough to put their real face on FML. 

This week, we're taking a look at JustinJK. This guy likes his shirt, you can't see anything beyond the the flowers in the picture. I'm guessing he borrowed it from his mom, who bought it around 1988. Has he been messing with the contrast on his camera? He looks very pale and yellowish. What are you doing with your life, son? Did you catch hepatitis from a shared needle, or is it the shirt that's making you look jaundiced? And don't glare at people like that, it's not nice. I'm guessing you're supposed to look menacing, but it just looks like the face someone would make if they'd just taken a shit in someone's laundry basket by mistake. Is that what happened? Then you put on that shirt because that's all that was left to wear? Is that a your natural hair colour? It looks sort of nice, like a Labrador's fur. The shirt is still giving me a headache. Stop staring, you're freaking me out, I'm getting LSD flashbacks from the '70s.

That's my second column over with. I hope you don't mind if I leave you in peace now, it's time for my medication. Don't hesitate to write to me if you need help seeing the light and/or need advice on how to lead your love life. I'll try and help out, in my own special way. Take care, young people everywhere.

Auntie Bernie is dressed by Bénédicte of Bloutouf

Hello young whippersnappers, it's time for my column. I've carefully written down my replies to your questions onto some quality paper and sent it to the dogsbody person at FML, who then types it all into the computer. If there are any spelling mistakes, blame him. It's not my fault is today's young people can't read or write properly because they're all to busy staring at shiny rectangles, or gawping at the latest rap singer person. I once tried listening to some of your today's music, my young next-door neighbor hooked me up to FM radio so I could give it a go. It was terrible. I went straight back to AM radio so I could listen to wall-to-wall '60s and '70s classics like Paul Anka and The Incredible String Band to answer all your terrible whiny questions. Anyway, I'm ready to let loose on your unsuspecting eyes.

In case you are too drunk to remember the concept: Three weeks ago, I asked you to write in so that I could give you advice. My advice is better than the crap that you get sold these days. Women's magazines are full of herbal tea and people poking needles into each other's backsides, and the less said about men's magazines the better. I offer direct, back to basics advice, less needles, more straight talk. No charging a fortune for bullcrap remedies, just questions and answers. Got it? Let's go. 

(Janice and Sharon were already regretting their expensive Groupon impulse-buy)

So, you sent me some questions to me. It was like Saturday night at the Wailing Wall. Yet again I got a bunch of "comedy" messages, which I might compile one day and publish in Cretin Monthly. But some of the rest were actual problems, so I read them and came up with actual realistic responses, got a few written agreements and now I can offer up this week's selection. Please bear in mind that this is for the good of the community, and is in no way a bunch of cheap shots. 
 

What?

Our first, odd, question of the week is from ClockworkPoleaxe:

"My parents are getting mad at me for spending time with my waifu. What do I do??"

I had to ask my teenage neighbor what this question meant, and I'm guessing this piece of flippancy could be classified as a "comedy" question. But I've also been told that this is a growing phenomenon, and that a lot of silly young tits are becoming such losers of epic proportions that they are actually attracted to this so-called lifestyle. For those of you who, like me, don't really know what this entails, I'll explain. It appears that these oddballs are in love with pictures of girly-girls, and spend time worshipping false idols. Not in a religious sense, though. They have sexual feelings for girls that aren't real. Girls from Japanese cartoons. Don't start that "It's not cartoons, it's aminey" stuff with me, I don't care, it's all the same horse-hockey to me. I'm actually getting angry writing this out. Let me have a cup of tea. Right, that's better. So, what can I tell this person? You really need to get out more. I know the real world and real people are scary and assholes, and that you must be a bit weird and smell of pickles, but if you actually make the effort to talk to people, you might enjoy yourself. Otherwise, one day, you might wake up and realize that life has passed you by and you're still a virgin at 53. So get your skates on, you big girl's blouse. And lose that stupid beard.
 

Fat beats

A recurring question from hugoni2000:

"I went to the doctor not to long ago and found out I am a bit overweight. I really don't want to be but I still don't want to give up food... What do I do??"

Wait a second. You had to go to the doctor to find out that you're overweight? You hadn't realized it before? Is it that you're not THAT fat, or just that you were in denial and you look like a barrel on legs? I'm not that bothered about fat bastards, but then again, I also use my stomach as a shelf for my teacup and the TV remote when I'm watching TV. I'm not in denial, I've just reached that age when I don't care any more about stuff like that. BUT, how do you expect to lose weight without giving up a little bit of food? You can't stuff your face AND lose weight. Unless you stuff your face with toilet paper (AKA the Victoria Beckham diet). There's no miracle fad diet thing, just eat less calories than your body burns off. Then again, there's nothing wrong with being a "bit" overweight. Don't give into the fashionista Nazis who want everyone to be "beach ready", they're wrong about everything that makes people happy. Flip the bird to the people who think that skinny, or indeed any body shape, is best, we'll see when there's a global famine after Yellowstone finally blows, they'll be the first to die off, and it'll be the people with the fat genes who'll be repopulating the planet.
 

Dying alone

A question from dramaelf, who is on the edge:

"Dear Auntie Bernie, I am a 24 year old girl and I still haven't had a boyfriend. I had a date once, but he talked about nothing but Communism and used too much tongue. I'm starting to worry that I'll die alone, but at the same time I have no idea how to talk to people or make a real connection. What should I do?"

One date? ONE single date at 24, and with a commie? At least you got a kiss. Well, you mentioned too much tongue, so I'm assuming that was a kiss, because if it was something else, there's NEVER too much tongue! Sorry, I get randy after I've had some tea. Talking to people is easy, I don't know why people get so nervous about it. Maybe you're too neurotic about dying alone, that's somewhere to start. We all die alone, so you can forget about that, it's inevitable. Unless you're in a plane crash, you get to die simultaneously with others I suppose. Anyway, just go up to someone new, hold out your hand and introduce yourself. Just don't call them a cunt. Join a club. Find people who have similar interests. Sleep around. Show your boobs. That's what I do. Connections, schmonnections. Most people don't have a clue what they're doing, everyone is winging it most of the time, so don't worry about it. What I'm trying to say is stop being such a wuss. Find something interesting about yourself and use that as marketing tool. And if you're not interesting, make something up. There was a man in my hometown who never talked to anyone, nobody talked to him, and then one day everyone knew who he was, and he was the talk of the town. Well, he did kill and eat the postman, but I'm not suggesting anything that drastic.

Don't give up

A real classic bullcrap tale from _Tater_Tot_: 

"So I've been seeing this guy for a while now but he doesn't want us to be actually considered dating. He refers to me as his "Best Friend" and we have a sort of Friends With Benefits thing going on. It's gotten to the point that I stay over at his house at least 3 times a week and I have my own key and a toothbrush there. I also help him with his finances and he takes me out on dates and buys me gifts regularly. On top of that he gets jealous of other guys that I talk to. I told him I loved him and am ready for an actual relationship and he replied that he feels the same way but he doesn't want to say or do anything like that till he can promise me certainty. This has been going on for several months and I'm starting to think I should give up. What do I do??"

Oh boy, I hate guys like that. I've known my fair share. I used to date a famous musician from a fair-to-middling '70s rock band who was just like that, but his reason was that he was always on tour, so he would have groupies begging to suck on his knob from dawn til dusk, so "how can I commit to you, honey?" Is your guy a famous musician? I doubt it. He's just some twit who's afraid commitment. So it's up to you, do you want to be free of commitment yourself, because it's in the verbal contract, somewhere? Or do you want to tell him to clear off, and get yourself a "real" relationship with someone who'll actually be there? Actually, that sounds like terrible advice. This guy of yours sounds like a real idiot. Why do you put up with this bullcrap? It's like he's holding out for something or someone else, and if and when this other person turns up, he can can you without a second thought, because he's never said he was "certain". So shove him off a cliff, get some self-respect. Otherwise I'll do it for you, because you'll be the twit in this sorry tale. Get on with it.
 

The Loner

Last question from highmidnightjazz, who is at her wits end: 

"I'm the single mother of a 3 year old boy who refuses to talk. He also refuses to listen. He will outright ignore me when I say anything go him. And fight when I try to get him to look at me. I'm at my limit and going grey at 24!?"

I feel your pain. I really do. I have kids all around me. In my family. My friends have them. There's many in my neighborhood. They all talk about them, everywhere, all around me, I get dragged into conversations about them, about how hard it is to raise children, how tiring and difficult children are to deal with. And each time I do, I always say the same thing: "HAHAHAHA, I don't have kids, I never wanted any, and I'm glad I never did. I'm now going to go home and do whatever I want. Naked." Sorry, I shouldn't gloat. Your problem sounds terrible. Are you sure your child isn't just a little shit? He won't talk or listen, either he's a little shit, or he's deaf. Deaf kids can't learn to speak. I think. I'm not sure. If he's ignoring you, maybe that's because he can't hear you. Have you tried intimidating him by firing a shotgun in the house? I tried that once with an intruder, and it worked fine. My sister's kid was a bit like yours. He wouldn't listen, he couldn't talk properly, he had trouble reading, couldn't write, she kept losing him in supermarkets. He was a real nightmare. It was especially weird considering he was 28 at the time. Just give him time, he might just be ignoring you.
 

There, that'll do for this week, I've definitely helped those youngsters. As I said last time, if you wrote to me and you're a bit sad that you weren't featured in this week's column, don't panic! You might appear next week. If you want to write to me to appear in the near future, my profile is here, or click on my message at the top of the comments under the article. 

Who let the dogs out?
 

This is last part: the profile pic. The people who wrote to me also have faces. I don't mean the people who cheat by using pictures stolen from Instagram accounts belonging to pretty people (when in doubt: reverse image search on Google) and who lie and claim "Yes, that's me in the photo!", I'm talking about the people who are brave enough to put their real face on FML. 

This week, we're taking a look at ArcheryArtist. I don't what's going on here. Which one is ArcheryArtist? The red-headed nerd or the short ass whispering to her? I'm guessing it's the girl. Why is she talking to a bird? Is that your boyfriend? You do know that society frowns on that sort of thing, don't you. I'm guessing that bird is dead, or glued. Why do this? I'm not surprised the blinds are closed, you wouldn't want the rest of the street peering into your house and seeing what you get up to in your satanists lair. What sort of bird is that anyway? I'm sure it's got some stupid name like "Eric Estrada" or "God's Prophet the Third". Strange picture, you'll be attracting the wrong sort of attention with that. Is that what you want? "Look at me and my bird"? Is that code for the underground anonymous resistance to start overthrowing the government? God help us if there's a war. 

That's my third column done. Don't hesitate to write to me if you need help seeing the light and/or need advice on how to lead your love life. I'll try and help out, in my own special way. Take care, young twits everywhere.

Auntie Bernie is dressed by Bénédicte of Bloutouf