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FML's Family Portraits

Inspiration for a blog article can come from all sorts of places. For instance, someone sent us a link to these pictures on Reddit:


Source

We’re not sure if the person who took them was thinking of us, but we’d like to think that we’re the ONLY FML IN THE UNIVERSE. Yes, we invented FML. We created everything. Backrubs? We thought of that. Rhubarb crumble? That was us. You know that white stuff angry people get in the corners of their mouths? We invented that so we could giggle at them to make them even angrier. OK, so we didn’t invent the helicopter, but we could’ve, honest. We’re THAT smart (not counting the time we advised Miley Cyrus to twerk her bony ass at Robin Thicke in public. It was a JOKE, Miley, you weren’t supposed to actually do it.).


Anyway, back to the pictures. Whether we like it or not, we can’t choose our family. Well, you can on the Sims, which is probably what makes the game so popular. No longer does your Dad have to be the guy who stands in the front yard in nothing but graying boxer-shorts and sandals waiting for the postman to deliver his latest copy of 'Guns and Trucks Monthly'.

On FML, we could almost create a whole new category called 'Family' due to the amount of stories we receive about them, whether it's parents being heavy-handed, kids being pains in the buttocks or just the general malaise of family life in the 21st century.

Today, I somehow managed to trap myself in a mosquito net. My dad "rescued" me by calling the whole family in and making a big show of cutting me out of it with his hunting knife. I'm never going to hear the end of this shit. FML

Today, I found out that I'm the creepy uncle of the family. FML

Sounds bad, huh? Being eyed with suspicion by the people who are supposed to be the closest to you; I’ve felt like that a lot of the time, but then again I’m single, I don’t have kids, I don’t plan on changing any of that, and I like to party (albeit in a mild-manned, very English sort of way). In a lot of family reunions, beyond a certain age, that’s ground for immediate dismissal. You’re an outcast. It doesn't matter that cousin what’s-her-name is cheating on her husband with a guy from work who chews gravel, or that Uncle thingy has been married three times and his kids are morons who steal hubcaps from moving cars; not adhering to the ‘ideal’ of marriage and the ‘nuclear family’ is somehow worse than standing up at a family gathering and showing your swollen genitals,  claiming that you caught something rubbing your knob against the neighbour’s dog. Not that I’ve ever done that. Or ever done this:

Today, I was chatting online with several relatives, discussing our family reunion. Bored out of my mind, I clicked to rename the conversation to "Boring shit with almost dead people." I didn't know it'd rename it for everyone. FML

What’s great about families is that they’re never embarrassing. Oh, the ‘never’ is ironic, for those who don’t ‘do’ irony. They’re not always embarrassing, but they can be a great source of shame, from the 'I was a fat ugly baby' pictures shown to a new girlfriend/boyfriend to this sort of thing:

Today, I brought my Japanese girlfriend home for dinner with my family for the first time. They all got drunk and made heaps of racist jokes right in front of us. My dad forgot her name and started calling her "Rice Ball" instead. FML

Today, I realized my family is the textbook definition of redneck after listening to my grandpa threaten to smash with an excavator the trailer that my uncle lives in behind our house if he didn't return the set of tires he had stolen and pawned from my grandpa's garage. FML

Families are also a great source of strife, hatred and tension, because most people can’t be bothered to get along. A lot of the hate is kept hidden, but if you dare to take a peek behind the curtain, you’ll soon see what people really think of each other and what is actually going on beneath the smiles and cucumber sandwiches:

Today, I was at a big family reunion at my aunt's place. Before dinner, I went outside in the garden for a smoke. Through the kitchen window, I saw my cousin spit in the soup. Twice. My aunt patted his back and continued stirring. FML

Today, my aunt and uncle stole $584 from me, since I'm moving out. Their reasoning? I stole things. When I asked what I'd stolen, my aunt looked me straight in the eye and said "Milk Duds." FML

And of course, your mum and dad. As Philip Larkin wrote in his famous poem ‘This be the verse’:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

On FML, they do stuff like this:

Today, I held a party for my family so I could announce my pregnancy. In the middle of my speech, my mother stopped me, saying, "Nobody gives a rat's ass, where's the booze?" FML

Today, my estranged father, who is a cop, decided to show up to my 17th birthday party. He immediately began arresting people for underage drinking. Way to mend fences, dad. FML

We could go on; the list of grievances is endless. Here at FML, we’re all inclusive, all encompassing: no matter what creed or colour you are, we’re just a bunch of like-minded individuals, a huge collection of slightly annoyed people. You could call us your family, your big, dysfunctional, badly dressed, halitosis-infected, clumsy, misguided family. And we love you for it. See at the next reunion; bring some of your famous-for-being-awful potato salad.

#1405 - Ramblings - On 09/17/2013 at 4:20am by Alan - 23 comments

Nicolas Rix's illustrated FML

Hellooooo everybody! (I'd always dreamt of making that sort of entrance, it makes me feel like a rockstar. Mh. Anyway.) I hope you had an amazing week because today we're hosting an amazing artist. Maybe, dear readers, you're wondering how I pick out all of the Saturday artists. Well, it's very simple, and I'll sum it up in one word:  Zelda. Of course it's like, the best game EVER. So, when I'm lost on DeviantArt or Behance and that I find myself faced with a Zelda fan art, well, I have no choice but to contact the owner of the piece. That's how our artist of the day got here, thanks to this beautiful picture :

 

 

-What are your name, surname and nickname? Why did you choose this nickname?
-Nicolas Rix. Some people call me Nic or Nic Rix.

-How old are you?
-32 years old.

-Where do you live?
-Cape Town, South Africa

-What's your job?
-I'm an illustrator and designer for digital campaigns. Been doing that most of my life.

-What's your journey?
-Since I can remember, I've been drawing. Seldom a day went by when I was not drawing. From a young age I collected comic books, mostly DC and Marvel then in Highschool Image comics came about. My father is a draftsmen so there was never a shortage of art supplies at home. I don't come from an artistic family, so everything I've learned has been from comics and cartoons. I got my first computer with photoshop back in 1999 and since then I started designing things and coloring my artwork once I got my hands on a scanner. Yeh, the dinosaurs were also alive at this time. I never studied art or went to college or university, just went straight into a job. Got a job as a flash animator, then became a web designer/ coder. I then worked as a web marketer, then moved back to web design, illustration, animation and coding on a freelance basis. Few years later I worked as a penciler for a local comic book which was released in a monthly magazine, that lasted about a year. Then I worked for an immigration company that was based in the UK where I was a web designer and coder. Everyone got retrenched when the UK economy went bad. Since then I've been an illustrator and designer for the digital industry.

 

 


-That's an inspiring story! Speaking of which, what are your inspirations?
-
There's too many artists to name, but there are a few staple artists I follow for inspiration. Sam Bosma, Tomer Hanuka (his color choices are amazing), Pascal Campion (Color and story), Fabian Mense, Studio Ghibli Movies, Disney & Dreamsworks Concept artists, Victoria Ying, Mike Mignola (Amazing storyteller)... There's more I just can't remember them all. I find lots of new artists every day that inspire me and I learn new things and try to incorporate it into my art. Games and movies inspire me as well, although I don't get to play or watch movies as much as I used to.

-Do you read webcomics? If so, which ones?
-I can't say I read a lot of comics in general. Web comics, I did read the Abominable Charles Christopher for a while, and I've had a look at a few other random web comics. I spend more time drawing than actually reading comics.

-What can you tell us about your website?
-Let's see. Why does anyone create a website with their art on it? It's the first place I started when marketing my artwork, but I use many other platforms to market my art. I have a Tumblr, dribbble account, facebook fan page, deviantart, linkedin, behance and I sell my prints on various sites. I'm still in the process of revamping my website so it works on various devices. So hopefully when people check out my website it will work on smartphones and tablets. It's not the most important thing to have, but there's no point in having it if no one knows about it, so you still have to get out there and tell people about your work.

 



 

-How do you work?
-I work completely digitally. I've had a Wacom tablet for the about 8 or 9 years now. I use photoshop and nothing else. I've created and found various brushes that I like. Helps me work faster. I keep a few sketch books for ideas, and I have multiple list making apps on hand so I never forget an idea. Very few of them make it to final. I have even more unfinished sketches in photoshop that I yet to be completed. Once I find an idea I like, I sketch out multiple thumbnails and do color keys before I decide whether I want to finish it or not. I always find the reference for things, objects, people, places that will help me with the piece.

-Aaaaah no, last question! Why did you choose this FML story?
-I guess I've had my fair share of experiences with annoying kids. I don't have my own, nor do I have younger siblings. I do have a balcony of my apartment looking out onto a small public park that is frequently inhabited by screaming children and barking dogs. I channeled those moments as well as holidays spent with other annoying kids. I could relate to the plight of this person's FML story. I thought it was pretty funny and tragic at the same time. I had first thought to do a comic strip, because I'd seen a lot of strips on FML, but I thought I'd try and encompass one moment of that terrible holiday that was to come.

 

-And you got that FML face perfectly. Thanks Nicolas for taking part!

 

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 


Nicolas's website: http://www.nicolasrix.com/

 

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#1404 - Illustrated FML - On 09/10/2013 at 1:55am by Alice - 11 comments

Rem Broo's illustrated FML

Hello everyone! I hope you had an amazing week because today we're welcoming an amazing artist. The comic we're publishing today was made a month ago, during the hot, reassuring summer, but we kept it, we took good care of it, and we thought you'd like it when the terrible S would be back on track. I mean September, of course. Don't worry, our artist of the day knows just how to make you feel better. Thanks to his comic, we're travelling straight to US Route 66, somewhere between laughter and awesomeness.

 

 

-What are your name, surname and nickname? 
-I'm Remus Brezeanu, but my comic pen name is Rem Broo. I had to come up with a nickname since here in Germany a lot of people can barely say my name, specifically my family name and I don't think in America, where my comics' target market is, it would be any different so I used a simplified version of my name.
 

-So, you live in Germany but you're not German? Where do you come from?
-
I'm originally from Romania and I moved to Berlin in 2008 (and yes, I still don't speak the language).


-Why did you move to Germany then? And don't tell me it's only because of the beer.
-
Surprisingly, since I've moved here, I drink more wine than before. Anyway, the story is quite complex. Back in the days, me, my girlfriend at that time, and a bunch of friends, wanted to move out of Bucharest, the capital of Romania and we wanted to move to another city. After a while we ended up in Berlin... Maybe we had too much beer on the night we decided to do so. We were a group of guys willing to start an animation studio and Berlin seemed fun and cheap. But the animation studio was never realised, and from the bunch of guys just me and my ex-girlfriend survived here. So now I'm stuck in this great city.

 

 

-That's quite an interesting story. What do you do for a living?
-When the animation studio became just a dream, I found myself into a new city, without knowing the language, or anybody around... And bills to pay! So I did what I do best: comics. Even thought it's not easy money. And while cumulating a lot of debts with friends and the bank, I managed to improve my drawing skills and to learn by myself what comics actually are. 

 

-But you don't work alone, right?
-I do the drawing and the colours too but I prefer to have a scriptwriter to pay me for drawing their idea. Luke Herr is one of the scriptwriters I've worked with. The reason I've thanked him in the comic is that he helped me to improve the dialogue. Together we worked on a webcomic called Sociafist, but I've never finished the third issue. Other projects came along and I decided to put Socialfist on hiatus. I also think that during the time I started the webcomic, my drawing skills become better and better, and I felt like the graphic style in Socialfist doesn't represent me anymore. Then I met James Asmus and Jim Festante, the writers I worked with on "The End Times of Bram and Ben"; it was published at the beginning of this year at Image.

 

 

-How do you work?
-
I work both ways. I used to draw traditionally, but the moment my income started to get scarce, I had to find a cheaper and faster way to draw. But what I mostly do now is to use pencils traditionally, then scan it, then add digital ink and digital colours if necessary.

 

-Now, last question! I know, how sad. Why did you choose this story?
-
Initially I made a short list of 4-5 stories. And then I did what I do every time: I took refuge inside my mind and I mentally created the drawings for each story. This one specifically made me feel like it was allowing me to express myself the most, plus I found it the most hilarious. During all this creative process I've connected the cop character to one crazy character I did in "The End Times...". That's how I knew this was the story I wanted to do.

 

-And you turned it into a fantastic comic. Thank you Remus for taking part!

 

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 


Remus' website: http://rembroo.com/
Remus' Facebook fan page: https://www.facebook.com/RemBroo

 

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#1402 - Illustrated FML - On 09/07/2013 at 3:39am by Alice - 11 comments

FML's Post-Summertime Blues

As you all know and feel in your bones, September has begun, which means that summertime fun is over for most of us. Here at FML we’ve been flooded by FASCINATING submissions about how “Today, I have to go back to skool. FML”. We’ve been getting quite a few of these, and it’s scary to see that the word “school” seems to be so hard to spell. If you can’t spell it, you definitely need it.

Anyway, to help with that post-vacation blues which makes a lot of us want to curl up into a ball and weep, here’s a collection of stories that have occurred during the summer. Maybe then we’ll be glad to be back to normal, everyday life, and not outside in the sunshine.

Speaking of sunshine, one thing we won’t miss is heat waves. Granted, not everyone lives in a place where they have heat waves, but then what sort of place is that? Don’t you guys have summer at all? What are you, Scottish?

Anyway, the heat usually means stripping off your clothes and wondering what your sweat glands are actually meant to do, because you don’t feel cool at all; you’re just a dripping mess of sticky confusion from the heat.

It also means that you are more exposed to these sorts of body malfunctions:

Today, I was reading in my apartment. Due to a heat wave and my lack of AC, I was completely naked. My cat jumped onto my lap, and as her claws dug into my stomach, I recoiled. This caused her to retreat, clawing at my nether regions in the process. My pussy mauled my pussy. FML 

Today, I realised in the middle of my shift how useless my deodorant is in the stifling heat wave spreading through my country. It's no longer effective against my awful B.O., which is a problem because I'm a mascot, and my costume traps the smell inside like a portable toilet. FML

Despite the summer being synonymous with vacations for a lot of people, some of us (yes, even here at FML) still have to work during the long, summer days. Usually taking care of other people who are on holiday:

 

Today, I started my job at a kids summer camp. The first little girl to arrive told me to close my eyes and open my hand because she had a "surprise" for me. Yep, a dead, decomposed sparrow covered in all sorts of bugs sure is a surprise. FML

Today, it's day two of my two-month summer job on a Mediterranean cruise ship. I'm incredibly seasick, and the ship is still docked. FML

Love usually blossoms during the spring as they say, but come summer it often goes to pot due to temptation:

Today, I found out that last summer while my girlfriend worked on a Disney Cruise ship, she cheated on me with Tarzan. FML

 

Or other people’s meddling:

Today, my girlfriend and I were being driven home from a date by her mother. She's Jewish and I'm Catholic. Her mother was talking about how my girlfriend was going on a trip to Jerusalem that summer. She finished with, "And you can find a nice Jewish boy while you're there." FML

 

Not every vacation is fun though. The worst I can remember is eating some dodgy seafood in a campsite, then being awoken in my tent by the double threat of food poisoning and a massive storm overhead. These events led to me being huddled with all the other campers under the only stone building in the campsite, which unfortunately also contained the only showers/toilets. I had to hold in my guts, which were at a dangerously high PSI level, all the while sheltering from the wind, rain and flying tents. Awful.

Louis CK's take on family vacations is that, as a father, when he has packed his wife and kids into the car ready to leave and is walking from one side of the car to the driver's side, that short moment is his entire vacation. Family vacations can be some of the most boring and disappointing:

Today, I realized the only reason I was invited to go on vacation with my extended family was so I could babysit everyone's children while the adults go out and have fun. FML

Today, none of my 500 Facebook friends responded to my status about "who wants to hang out during summer holidays?" I created an imaginary person on a different account to respond and ask me to hang out with him. I had a conversation on my status, with myself. FML

Summer also means exposed flesh. Hey, I can’t help it if it’s hot and I want to walk around my apartment in just my flip-flops, you shouldn’t be staring through my window in the first place, pervy old lady across the street. And you can keep those rude notes you shoved through my letterbox, it’s supposed to be that size and colour.

Today, my parents decided that since summer is almost here, it's a great opportunity to start having nude barbecues. I found this out after walking out into the backyard, hoping to sun myself a little, only to see the living nightmare that is my parents' naked bodies. FML

 

But even after all that, we’d still like to go back on vacation. I myself dream of a full week off work on a beach, in somewhere like Tunisia or Morocco. I hear Syria is pretty cheap at the moment. Anyway, who wouldn’t like a week with an open bar and a beach? I know I do (hey boss, are you reading this?).

Let’s all look forward to our next vacation; doing so will help us put up with the daily slog of work, school, being human. As The Jam sang, “Watching the telly and thinking 'bout your holidays” is our entertainment until then.

In the meantime, we’re here to help put a smile on your face (but we don’t have an open bar at FML, you’ll have to pay for your own cocktails).

#1403 - Ramblings - On 09/04/2013 at 12:58pm by Alan - 9 comments

Krista Nicholson's illustrated FML

Good morning everybody!... Good morning everybody!... I SAID GOOD MORNING FOR CHRIST'S SA- oh hi, you can hear me now. I'm sorry for yelling at you dear readers but with your headphones on, I was sure you weren't listening. That's actually a theme that our artist of the day understands pretty well. Headphones are the best (the worst?) when it comes to awkward moments. But for now, let's interview the wonderful Krista.

 

-What are your name, surname and nickname? 
-My full name is Krista Nicholson (soon to be Krista Marie Staggs) and I'm known as Kuitsuku everywhere online. Kuitsuku was the name of the first character I created for a website way back in high school. They ended up not wanting her so I made the unique yellow dog a symbol of my websites, and eventually adapted the name to my username. 
 

-How old are you?
- I'm currently 24! I started my websites back in 2002 when I was 13. (side note: we aged really suddenly)

-Where do you live?
-I recently moved a little bit outside of Orlando, FL, but I spend most of my free time in the city. I went to school at UCF and never wanted to leave. My home town is so spread out that my morning bus rides were 40 minutes long, after walking half a mile to my bus stop.

-What's your job?
-I'm a graphic designer and animator on the side, which always keeps things new and interesting. My degree is in animation, but my first job out of college was for graphic design in the apparel printing world and I've excelled so much that its easy and fun now. I went from knowing nothing about merchandise to being able to separate files for screen printing and creating character programs for theme parks. My true love is the iPad/iPhone games I draw and animate for on my free time as well, such as Ollie Goes and Tea Story.

-What's your journey? 
-My journey is to inspire and work on projects that inspire others. I have met such wonderful people in my field so far and the opportunities keep expanding with every new project I work on. Ultimately my goal was to be a storyboard artist, and I would still love to, but the possibilities are endless!

-What are your inspirations?
-A lot of my inspiration comes from some of my favorite Disney artists such as Glen Keane, and old classics like Vilppu. I could spend an entire day looking at concept art for animated films and cartoon shows.

-Do you read webcomics? If so, which ones?
-I stay up to date with Cat Vs. Human because cats are just awesome.

-Tell us more about your website(s)?
-I have a line of different websites actually! Suta-Raito, which is my oldest site at 10+ years, was known back in the day for its Pokemon Graphics and multiple drawings boards. I made it before Google images existed and there were very little image sources for unique poses, so I decided to draw my own. Thankfully the graphics got better over time! Now I focus on Sutaro.com, which holds my portfolio, sketch folders, and silliness.



 

-How do you work?
-At home I work in an office with lots of natural light, a blanket, and some tea. Occasionally I'll have either a cat or a skunk in my lap. We recently painted what we call our 'art room' (my home office) so the walls are green and turquoise with paintings and cork boards everywhere. There are some shadow boxes hanging up with my most treasured designs that I made for Disney, Six Flags and Cedar Fair.

-Why did you choose this FML story?
-
I chose this FML story because I remembered reading it years ago in college when I first came across FML. I was so excited to have the opportunity of drawing one of the old stories that made me laugh so much!
 

-Thank you for taking part Krista!

 

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 


Krista's website: http://www.sutaro.com/

 

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#1401 - Illustrated FML - On 08/29/2013 at 12:56am by Alice - 10 comments


FML's blog

  • Matteor's illustrated FML #2
  • So, is everyone back from their vacation? Can we get back to regular programming? No? OK, I get it. You're all still crying about not being at the beach any more, well, I am anyway. And this time of year…

Thursday 11 September 2014

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