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The Best of the Worst #5

It's time! It's the beginning of the month, which means it's about time we had a look at the darkest recesses of the FML submissions page once more. This is installment number 5. Yep, we've had so many batshit submissions that we could probably keep this blog page going for another... Well, let's just say it could on for a very long time. Without further ado, let's meet this week's selection.

As we've said before, anyone can submit an FML anonymously. You can enter anything, tell your story, and no one can trace it back to you. Whatever embarrassing story has happened to you, you can get it off your chest without fear of reprisals or direct contact with laughter. Unfortunately, some people will do anything to get posted on FML, and will either make stuff up, bash the keyboard with their schlongs or just ramble incoherently about whatever is going through their heads. Here's another selection of what seems to be all three. We hope you enjoy them.

 

Ceremony

Today i was told i can give off any more spem from a incodent that happenabout a week ago for a joke my very drunk friends attached a car battery to my balls while i was passed out i woke up screaming and i went to the hospital i can’t have babies for a ver long while maybe never. FML

 

Thieves like us

Today, I stared at the clouds and they didn’t form anything. Maybe because It was just a picture.

 

Blue Monday

Today, I ate Vaseline. FML

 

Age of consent

Today, while I was in my cubical working on my Computer, THE SUPER SEXY GIRL from the accounts department came to get something. She bend over to pick up the file she dropped and farts right on my face and leaves without even a sorry. Now my face smells of her Fart, I Think! FML

 

Leave me alone

So ur with ur honey and yur making out wen the phone rigns. U anser it n the vioce is “wut r u doing wit my daughter?” U tell ur girl n she say “my dad is ded”. THEN WHO WAS PHONE?

 

Bizarre love triangle

Today, I found what appeared to be cobwebs in my vagina. FML

 

Everything's gone green

One day I was in church. I thought blowing gas in church would offend god. So I waited until later and visited the conffesion booth and blew my cheeck apart in the lords face and made him pass out.

 

Confusion

Today, i went to the zoo by MYSELF. Im 28. FML.

 

Mesh

Today I discovered that my mom has 4 inch pubes. FML

 

Mr Disco

Today , we had a school field trip . I was having a great day and it was pretty fun . Finally , we came to a building with mirrors as the flooring . Im penecostal . FML

 

That's it for this month. Next month we'll be back with some more insanity and desperation. We hope you enjoyed reading them as much we liked trawling through the back catalogue looking for them. Don't try sending in your own, these are all compiled from the beginning of the website, so to all you clever people who've tried sending in stuff aimed at this page: Don't bother ! Until next time, be excellent to each other and eat your greens.

 

 

Bonus not-really-hidden, probably made-up track:

 

The perfect kiss

I was taking a hike through the woods wen i was attacked by a homosexual bear named Carlos from Mexico. He raped me for 3 hours and then made me suckk his c0ck. Then i got shot by DIck CHeney in THE FACE. He said i look like a DEAR??? WTF! UGh! FML!!!!!

#1449 - About FMyLife - On 05/05/2014 at 2:03am by Alan - 95 comments

Marie-Lys's Illustrated FML

Most of time, we have to go out looking for the people who illustrate the FMLs, but sometimes we get offers, out of the blue. This is one such case. Not every offer is a good one. More often than not, we’ll get something that looks like it was drawn by someone with… issues. But kudos to them for actually trying, to put it diplomatically. Sometimes, you just have to ask for happiness. Well, not to strangers in the street, I’ve tried that and it can hurt.

 

MARIE-LYS'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"It’s not because we’re artists that we should be sleeping underneath bridges and eating little tiny pebbles!"

Self-portrait Marie-Lys by Marie-Lys

So, how is everyone doing? It’s the weekend again, time to put some comfy clothes on and indulge in your favorite hobby. What’s yours? Drinking heavily and falling over? Watching Grey’s Anatomy in yellowing sweatpants? Personally, I’m getting over a work injury. Working for FML is dangerous business. To get over the pain, I’m knocked out on medication and I’m trying my hand at drawing to see if my talent is growing in stature. As you can see, it’s not. I’m going to leave it to the pros, or those who know what they’re doing.

This week, we’re welcoming the quite charming Marie-Lys, whose good mood in quite infectious. She comes from Lyon in France. She’s 25, her illustrated FML is here, and her blog is there. Her style is located somewhere amongst the translations of life: “I translate life all the time into drawings in my head, and I like to share these translations around me to make people laugh, or to touch them.” Great initiative. Makes a change from people who want to spread their hate (I’m not thinking of anyone specific, except you, you know who you are).

She seems to have a healthy and full life: “Music, mountain walks, rock climbing, I sleep sometimes, I eat pizza a lot, I laugh a lot and I draw sometimes.” She’s way too healthy, it seems odd. She must have some hidden vices. What about her projects, any plans to get away with the perfect murder? A closet Black Eyed Peas fan? “I want to live from my passion ! Get people in a good mood ! And go parasailing solo, but that’s got nothing to do with anything…” OK, this girl is nuts. Or just normal. Maybe not, she says she likes “crumbled up ginger biscuits covered with home-made apple sauce”. Now we’re getting somewhere, that’s a sign that something’s not quite right inside her mind.

She claims that illustrators need to be recognized as having a real profession: “It’s not because we’re artists that we should be sleeping underneath bridges and eating little tiny pebbles!” I thought that that was what all illustrators did, isn’t that the people I usually see under bridges? Isn’t that what that shit Red Hot Chili Peppers song was about? She has training as an architect, worked for a couple of years in an agency before being downsized “which allowed me to bounce back towards doing something I like even more.” Good. It’s ideal for her, because it allows her to draw anywhere, “On a trip, in the middle of nowhere, especially complicated situations (standing in the rain, in an SUV on bumpy roads, in the middle of a crowd…).”

She enjoys simple things in life, “drinking a beer on a balcony, camping in the wild, hitchhiking, wild and free. I like being told stories, learning new things every day, eating a slice of bread covered in mayonnaise at 3 in the morning, picking up chestnuts in autumn, making out shapes in the clouds, and laughing for no reason !”

She must get into scrapes and pickles though? Bad things must happen to her, surely? Her own FML would be what? “Today, even though I go once every two years, I asked my hairdresser to give me some highlights. Three hours later, I exited with red hair, a Charles Ingalls mullet, my lungs swimming in ammonia and an astronomical bill. FML” Oh and she does have a phobia, the sound of a fork being dragged against a metal saucepan. I can only agree.

It’s on that note that we’ll leave Marie-Lys, and thank her for her kindness, good vibes and her illustrated FML. We wish her well on her journey through life, because it’s refreshing to meet people with such a positive outlook. I’m not used to it. I need to go lie down now. Next week we’ll be welcoming someone else, I’m not sure who yet, but don’t hesitate, if you want to draw an FML for us, instructions at the bottom of the page. Until then, listen to this and be excellent to each other.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1448 - Illustrated FML - On 05/02/2014 at 5:17am by Alan - 5 comments

Sachimir's Illustrated FML

FML has no age restrictions when it comes to illustrations. Last week we welcomed a lovely young lady; this week is all about crafty old ladies. What do you mean, “all old people are miserable”? Who would say something so idiotic? It’s not true, my dad still sends me texts every time he has a Twix, he’s still full of life my dad, despite his wonky hip and his methadone addiction. This week, let’s hop aboard the speeding train and check out what’s happening with the prankster grannies.

SACHIMIR'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"My phobia ? I’m afraid of the amount of dirty dishes in the sink. It grows from day to day."

Self-portrait Sacha by Sachimir

This week’s artist is called Sachimir, he’s from Belgium, he’s 20 years old, and Sachimir is of course a pseudonym, his parents weren’t sadists. His actual name is Sacha. He has a blog, and has created quite a wonderful illustrated FML, that you can check out here. I get the impression that a lot of illustrators come from Belgium, I don’t know why. Peyo, who created the Smurfs was from there. Hergé, Tintin’s dad was from Belgium. So is Jean-Claude Van Damme, but he’s not an illustrator as far as I’m aware, he’s just a bit of a caricature of himself these days. Why does Belgium have so much talent? Must be a wonderful country, I must check it out one day.

Until then, who is this Sacha guy and what does he want? “I eat and I sleep.” OK, not a good start. “And sometimes when I’ve got the time in between these two activities, I draw (well, I try to) comic books, and gawd it’s easier to read them than to draw them.” Oh yes, I know. My own drawing career is stone cold dead I think. Here’s proof.

He’s quite a funny guy, he likes to “giggle alone in the street when I’ve thought of a funny story to tell in a cartoon format.” I’d like to be able to do that instead of being limited to rubbish Facebook statuses. He’s currently working on projects that he intends on showing to publishers, and has been featured on the website 30joursdebd. He also claims to want to conquer the world, “but it costs a lot of money to set up an army, so until then I’ll keep on making comic books and saving up my money.” He’ll soon be investing in a tank, I’ll bet. He says his main inspiration is his philosophy classes, in which he’ll whip out a pencil and draw while listening to the teacher. He first started wanted to learn to draw when he was 11: “I wound up next to a guy in class who would spend all of his time drawing comics. I was so impressed by his drawings that the very same evening I started doodling.”

His main passions and likes are chocolate, chess, philosophy, wearing slippers in the winter, scratching mosquito bites in the summer, jazz and having a guest over who helps him with the washing up. All of which is very healthy, except for the mosquitoes. Can’t stand them. They come over here, they can’t speak the language, they don’t have jobs, they bleed us dry, I say build a wall, build a fence, get bigger defence systems against these invaders!
He mentions a few artists he admires, like Skottie Young, Boulet, Bruce Timm, Julien Loïs and Lewis Trondheim. Oh, and he’s catching up on The Wire, which I can only recommend you do also, if you haven’t seen it.

As for his own personal FML: “Something that happens to me a lot is that I’ll start looking for something for hours, and the further I get, the more I’ll forget what I’m actually looking for. It’s very frustrating.” His phobia? “I’m afraid of the amount of dirty dishes in the sink. It grows from day to day.”

Ah, I now understand why he likes having guests over to help with the washing up. He should get someone in to do the cleaning. I’ll ask my butler if he knows anyone. Thank you Sachimir for your illustrated FML and for taking part and for talking to me despite my lack of social skills. I’ll leave you with a song of love, a song of hate and I’ll see you all next week I hope. Take care.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1447 - Illustrated FML - On 04/25/2014 at 11:22am by Alan - 6 comments

Zoé's Illustrated FML

Hey there, young whippersnappers. Yes, you, the youth. I’m talking to you, sitting at home, scratching your asses. Why aren’t you doing something more constructive with your lives? Stop watching that shit show about the guys who are supposed to be scientists and one of them has OCD and the audience is laughing way too much. Make something out of your own hands. Why am I saying this? Meet this week’s artist.

ZOÉ'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"He was waiting for the bus, a finger up his nose, all the while repeating, “I’m not here, I’m not here…”"

Self-portrait Zoé by ZLGM

So, who is it this week? Well, this week, boys and girls, we have Zoé, AKA ZLGM, who is not yet 16 (“I will be in just over a month”). She lives in Quimper which is on the west coast of France. It’s quite refreshing change to be welcoming someone so young. The usual cast of illustrators are older characters, and are a bit more jaded and miserable. The eternal optimism of youth is nice to hear for once, even though Zoé isn’t very talkative, she’s straight to the point.

So, what does she do? “Not a lot”. See, what did I tell you? That’s the thing with the youth of today… No, I’m not going down that road. As a matter of fact, can we all agree to never utter the word “the youth of today” or “this generation” again? It’s really annoying, especially when it’s really young people saying it. As if past generations didn’t have their fare share of idiots and bad seeds. Anyway, Zoé is in high school and is doing quite well, and she intends to pursue her career in illustration and all things drawing afterwards. We can only encourage her to do so, because the most important thing when creating this is having a bunch of ideas, and looking at her illustrated FML, her blog or her Facebook page, she certainly seems to already have a lot of those bashing around inside her head. She also says that she's currently learning to paint and to use Photoshop, which will obviously come in handy. I'm also learning to use Photoshop, but for the moment I'm just swearing at a computer screen with it, it won't do what I want it to do, so kudos to Zoé. Unlike the other illustrators I’ve had on here, she doesn’t seem to have a job to get in her way, just school, but just the same as the others, she lacks time to get her drawings done. They all seem to want to have longer days.


Where does all this come from? “I’ve always drawn. A lot, or not much depending on my mood, but it’s a friend who draws very very very well who made me want to get better at it.” She draws anywhere, as long as there’s a window to sit by. And who inspires her? “Adolie Days, I really like her work and it’s her blog that made me want to share my drawings on the internet. And Boris Vian as well. I should illustrate one of his songs.”

She also appreciates fellow artists such as : “Samkat, Aquasixio, Joysuke, Mahaut Lemoine, Madmonkey, Lou Lubie and many many more.” She seems like quite a normal girl, our Zoé: “What I like in life… Loads of things. Coming home from school, seeing that the weather is nice, drawing for hours and hours, listening to music and not doing anything. Eating sweets too. But not too many.” Very reasonable. Oh, and she says she’s afraid of pollen. I can recommend a good anti-allergy pill if she’s afraid of sneezing, but I’m not really sure…
When I asked her if she had her own FML to tell us, she told me this: “I see funny things sometimes, today I was in the street, the city was quiet, but one individual stood out from the norm. He was waiting for the bus, a finger up his nose, all the while repeating, “I’m not here, I’m not here…” FML Hmmmm. Seems like she met me in the street without realizing it.
It certainly seems that Zoé has a great career ahead of her, if she sticks with it, her ideas and illustrations are certainly great so far. Here at FML we’ll keep in touch, and maybe in a few years she’ll return and make another illustrated FML so we can see how her style has evolved. Until then, and until next week, we’ll leave you with a song, a dance and a painting dog. Have a nice week, and be excellent to each other.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1446 - Illustrated FML - On 04/18/2014 at 11:21am by Alan - 12 comments

Bénédicte's Illustrated FML

"If drawing stuff is the food of love, then get a better pencil." That's not a real expression, I just made it up because I needed a good opening line. It's not even that good of an opening line, but this week's illustration is quite good. However, this week's artist is a bit of a loose cannon, temper-wise. Everything's going to be fine, don't worry, I'm just warning you. Put on a helmet or something.

BÉNÉDICTE'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"Anyway, when I've got some spare time, I go out to party, I drink way too much alcohol, I smoke joints and I piss off the people I meet."

Self-portrait Bénédicte by Bloutouf

I have to admit something. I know this week's artist personally. Don't accuse me of nepotism, she really does have talent. As a human being, she's awful, a real pain in the ass. To put up with her for more than a few hours I have to take medication, so to get through this article I'll focus on her drawing talent. Because she does have talent. To convince yourselves, check out her blog, the illustrated FML she made, or for those of you who want to keep in touch regularly, she has a Facebook page (in French). She's also done an illustrated FML before.

Her name is Bénédicte, her nickname is Bloutouf. She's from Lyon, but lives by the ocean in the south west of France. I won't say the name of the town, because she says I'm rude and "did I ask you if you sleep with your socks on?" See what I mean about her temper and stuff? What does she get up to? "Shit, mostly. If I have time during the day, I'll draw or do graphic-design for the shithead ecologists (of which I'm a part, I only drink organic rum) and I draw for kids, which I love." Bénédicte also works to making the planet a better place: "I first started working for a green association called Mountain Riders and its partners. That's how I got a reputation in the field, and then got to work with bigger associations like the Nicolas Hulot foundation and Corabio." She takes care of Mother Earth, which is honorable. I don't care, myself. I don't intend on having kids or leaving any trace behind on the planet, but Bénédicte has kids, which leads to an interesting anecdote when I ask her about what her current news is: "At the moment I'm working on a comic book. I got the idea the time my son took a dump in a fishing net. I thought that with all the stupid things he does, I'd have enough material to fill a book. So that's in the pipeline. I need time to finish it, and then I need a publisher." So, if there's a publisher out there...

She's an excellent cook, she makes excellent cookies. She recommends that we all make our own and, "STOP BUYING ABSOLUTE SHIT FROM THE SUPERMARKETS." Yes, she's anti-bad food and she's a bit tetchy. Can't say I didn't warn you. It is interesting to see that illustrators can work in areas that suit their political agendas, if that makes any sense.

Her passions are very much lady-like (her words), she goes for shoes, clothes, bags and "huge brightly colored things to attach to my hair". She says she loves bars. At any time of the day. "In the morning, 12 cups of coffee with my friends after having dropped my kids off at school, feeling real freedom! At the end of the afternoon for a quick drink in the last of the sun's rays. And especially at night because you get to meet weird, stupid or great people." By the way, her and I met in a bar one evening. I wonder which category she put me into... Speaking of which, her inspiration can come at any moment: "Usually, I have a small notebook on me to write down whatever thought pops into my head. I quickly realized that it was indispensable because the lifespan of an idea was pretty short. It's quickly replaced by another one. Surprisingly, I noticed that it was during drinks with friends that my ideas would come thick and fast... I wonder why." Yeah yeah, we all know why. Oiler.

Bénédicte has her own FML story to tell: "It was about 10 years ago, I was in Ghana for work and I found myself invited for dinner at the French ambassador's place. I wasn't really comfortable being around all those rich people who did nothing but talk about business and money. I was at the dinner table next to an older gentleman, who was quite kind. We started joking around, and, feeling at ease, I talked about the interior design. Mentioning a sculpture hanging on the ceiling, I said, "That for example, it's typical of people who've got too much money. Under the pretense that things cost a lot, they think they're buying something beautiful. But let's be honest, it's just a huge ugly piece of wood that a so-called artist has hung to the ceiling!" The man next to me burst out laughing, asked me my name, and then introduced himself: "Pleased to meet you, I'm the ambassador's brother." Like a slap in the face! His wife craned over his shoulder and said, "You're right though, it is ugly."

A story doesn't surprise me at all. How many times has told me off for going to McDonald's when she drinks beer by the gallon. But I have to admit that she does have talent. I would never ask her to teach me to draw, because she'd probably hit me in the head for not obeying her orders or something. I'd like to thank her for taking part this week, so don't forget to check out her illustrated FML. Next week we'll be welcoming... you'll see. Until then, listen to this song, look at this picture, and try to get along with people. Everything will be OK.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1445 - Illustrated FML - On 04/10/2014 at 10:00am by Alan - 11 comments


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