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The Best of the Worst #9

Veteran's Day has now been and gone. We've done our bit. We've made peace with spelling mistakes, called a truce with grammar and the cold war with syntax is over. Yep, it's once again the time of month to check out the weirdest FMLs we've received over the past few years. Remember, this is exactly how they are submitted, we haven't changed a thing. Here we go. 

As we've explained each time, the people who sent these… things to us are all real human beings. There's no software, no robot, no donkey with a pencil writing these. We pick these out of the FML mailbag out of thousands to show what we have to put with while we are moderating the stories that eventually end up on the main page. It's sometimes funny, sometimes baffling. Read on. 

The Squid

Today, I finally realized who the squid was. My friends have made fun of a kid they call the squid for years, and not wanting to look stupid, I never asked who the squid was. I’m the squid. FML


I had my penis surgically removed. I am getting married next week. I am a virgin, and now I always will be.


Today, my parents sat on the pourch blasting “Play that Funky Music Whiteboy” and screaming things about gay sex…and my crush lives across the street.


Yesterday my sleep-deprived eyes saw Jason and the Argonauts’ ship in the ocean searching for the golden fleece. FML.

In a bubble

Today, i thought it was cool that i had procrastinated from doing my english project the previous day. I thought about it and then I realized how dumb it was that for my prorastinating, I was solving a rubix cube for 3 hours and masturbating with bubble wrap. FML. 

Live long and prosper

Today, I was debating the pros and cons of have sex with my Star Trek obssessed science teacher. FML


Today, my Spanish teacher got her stuffed dead chicken tangled in my hair. FML

Bench mark

I got my penis stuck in a park bench.

Easy Rider

Today, my girlfriend told me she loves me. Explaining her love for me, she told me that last night she had a dream of me dressed up as a Russian vampire driving a motorcycle. FML

Technical issues

Today, I found out I’m going to have to see a chiropractor for the rest of my life because of my wanking technique during my bodies development. FML

That's it for now. We'll be back in December, with more of the same. If you enjoyed reading these, keep an eye for more of them by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website. FYI: these are all compiled from the website started out, so to all of you who've tried sending in weird FMLs to try and get on this page: Don't. Until next time, be excellent to each other and go for a jog.



Bonus not-really-hidden, track:


Public address


#1482 - About FMyLife - On 11/12/2014 at 5:41am by Alan - 93 comments

Sarah Andersen's illustrated FML

I've been told A$AP Rocky regularly reads this page. I'm not sure if this is true or if I just made it up 30 seconds ago, but I want to believe it's true. I heard it through the grapevine, and if even laid-back but hardcore rap artists are starting to check our the illustrated FMLs section, it means we must be doing something right. Or I did indeed make it up to try to impress people. Speaking about the things we do to impress, this week the illustration is all about what women have to go to to look good, to be accepted in today's society, the terrible influence of the patriarchy on… Oh sorry, wrong meeting. Anyway, let's get our hands dirty.


"I currently live in an apartment that has warped floors, so I create my work at a desk while sitting in a rolley chair that's constantly rolling away from the desk!"

Sefl-portrait Sarah par Sarah


Sarah is Sarah Andersen. I've enjoyed her work for quite a while now, especially one cartoon which struck a chord within my soul. her style is immediately recognisable.

Her info:
Age: 22
Location: Brooklyn, NYC
BlogSarah's Scribbles
Her illustrated FML: The one with the legs

So, yet again, we're lucky to have someone who is quite well known on the Internet. I just sent her an e-mail, because I was a fan, then another e-mail to reassure her that I wasn't an Internet stalker weirdo dude, and that I really did want her to appear on FML, and she relented. And did a great job. We also post on VDM, the french website, so I'm quite pleased to be able to translate her work into french.

So, who is she? "Right now, I'm earning my income through a mixture of balancing freelance projects, syndication contracts, and selling zines and postcards of my webcomic, Sarah's ScribblesEverything is very hectic in my life right now. I just graduated, moved to Brooklyn, and am working on a ton of different things.  I'm experiencing a limbo period where I'm getting settled and figuring everything out." That's interesting, I'm planning on coming to NYC soon to do some sight-seeing. I've never been, and a friend recommended that I find a place to stay in Brooklyn because she lived there and it's supposed to be amazing, so… Nah, only kidding.

What sort of diploma was it? "I just graduated a few months ago from an art school called the Maryland Institute College of Art, and so far being an artist has been challenging but exciting. I'm very lucky to have found work as a cartoonist/illustrator, even if it comes in the form of working on a ton of different things at once!" It seems quite fulfilling: "I love connecting with people by making them laugh. Cartooning is something that comes naturally to me and I enjoy doing it a lot. In the future, I want to create more editorial and lifestyle illustration work.  I illustrate under a pen name (Sofia Christiansen) because the style is so different from my cartoons."

Has she always scribbled? What inspired her, and who does she currently like? "I always drew since childhood, but when I was in Middle School, I loved anime and manga and it made me really excited about drawing. That excitement stayed even as I got interested in other things.  Anime still influences the way I draw facial expressions." What about artists-as-heroes? "As a cartoonist, I have to say Bill Watterson. A lot of people cite him, but he set a very high standard for cartoonists. Reading his comics as a child really taught me a lot about cartooning before I ever knew I wanted to makes comic. As an illustrator, Ernest Shepard, who made the original Winnie the Pooh drawings. I keep a book of his illustrations open almost every time I draw more serious pieces so I can learn from his style."

What's her thing? "I love podcasts. When I have a couple of hours to just draw and listen to podcasts, I'm in heaven. A good one is the new podcast Serial." What about music and stuff to pass the time? "My favorite singer is Lana Del Rey.  Anyone who knows me knows that I've spent an embarrassing amount of time listening to her latest album Ultraviolence.
In terms of movies, books, TV, and comics, these are the last of each that I've seen/read; Gone Girl, Factotum by Charles Bukowski, The Office (late, I know), and Mutts by Patrick McDonnell." Hey, I'm currently reading "Hollywood" by Bukowski. Love that guy. And when I come to Brooklyn, where should I get something to eat? "If you're ever in Brooklyn, NY, go visit a place called Brooklyn Kolache.  A lot of people don't know what Kolaches are, but once you have one, your life will be forever changed." Duly noted, but now I'm hungry for something that I don't even know.

How about a personal FML to finish off? "I actually submitted one a few years ago. My parents left me alone in the house over the weekend, and right before they came back a squirrel somehow got in and knocked over all the dishes!" Yep, that's an FML alright. I had a pigeon fly in and take a dump all over my sweaters in my cupboard once. I had to get it out with a broom and a lot of shouting at it. Halcyon days…

That's it for this weekend. We can all go back to our normal activities, like helping people in need, painting an old chair, dancing around your living room with your cat, calling your parents to tell them that you love them, smoke some catnip, go to a jazz concert and laugh at the fart noises and the people with the serious expressions on their faces scratching their beards. Anything is possible this weekend. Be excellent to each other, and have fun.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1481 - Illustrated FML - On 11/07/2014 at 5:36am by Alan - 5 comments

On FML, it's Halloween every day

As you know, we never pass up the chance to open up a light beer and plunge into the depths of the FML archive to come up with some sort of theme. Most holidays, national or otherwise, are pretty well represented. Christmas, New Year's, Labor Day, Fozzie Bear's birthday… OK, Valentine's Day was a bit messy because we're cynical romantics, we take potshots at it, we had a laugh, but deep down we like the idea that somewhere out there, in a galaxy far far away, there's pure love waiting for all of us. But what should we make of Halloween? What's going on there? People dressing up as goblins and lawyers and all sorts of scary beings? Some countries have it, some countries don't. My old neighbour who hates everything, especially people having fun, would say, "Why can't people just leave me alone and stop ringing my doorbell?" But what about FML? Where do we stand on this issue? 

Let's be honest: life is scary. So why should we go that extra mile and disguise ourselves as the shit one from One Direction and go running around the neighbourhood to bother people for sugar products? Isn't that the basic idea? The disguises are supposed to be frightening, the movies and pranks are supposed to scare the poopoo out of our buttpipes, but why do we inflict it on ourselves? A lot of people seem to use it as an excuse to reveal a little too much about what's going on deep down inside their psyche. The guy bumbling around the subway with blood all over a messed-up doctor's costume, well, either he's watched The Human Centipede too many times or he's got some pent-up issues against the world. The girl dressed as a pony is probably pleased to have one day in the year where the strange smell coming from her hair doesn't seem out of place. On FML, people are afraid all year round. Don't believe me? You just have to read the stories we publish.

Today, I woke up because of a weird noise. Scared, I turned on my bedside lamp. I saw my older, 17-year-old brother peeing in my bedroom doorway. He was hoping I'd step in it in the morning. FML

There's loads of stories like that. OK, it's fun to watch scary movies (except 'Scary Movie') because it allows a little escapism, and you can think to yourself that it'll never happen to you and feel safe. It's true. The Walking Dead isn't a documentary, despite what thousands of nutjobs around the world seem to think. The whole thing with the guy in the Scream mask calling you from right outside your house never happens. Except to my parents, every Christmas week. But I have to do it to them, it's become a tradition, it the only entertainment they get now since M*A*S*H* was cancelled. 

Today, my son was crying because he's afraid he might get Ebola. We live in Maine, and he's 16. FML

Halloween, it's time for pranks as we've just seen. It's great to prank people, especially my old neighbour, the one who hates everything, but who loves to wake everyone up with Cyril, her stupid daschund that barks at thin air in the stairwell. Pranks can be done all year round though. April Fool's Day is supposed to be all about pranks. If you take pranks away from April Fool's, he'll start getting all sulky and stroppy and you know what that's like. And besides, some pranks aren't funny. Waking up next to someone who says, "Oh, by the way, I'm married," that's not funny. 

Today, at the pool, I decided to face my fears and go off the high dive. I slipped off the edge and did a barrel roll into the pool while screaming like a little girl. FML

And by the way, I agree with my neighbour for once. Stop ringing my doorbell for candy. I don't have any. I'm on the Atkins diet. I have banned all carbohydrates from my apartment. And I don't like small children coming into my airspace when I'm trying to watch Gogglebox. So leave me alone. I don't care if you're dressed like R2D2 or a police officer coming to complain about the smell of the corpses under my floorboards, you're not having any of my food. Capiche?  

Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML

It must be quite stressful for the parents of small children who get to see yet another reason to spend money turn up on their social event planner. Christmas, birthdays, the birthday of the new friend from the new class whose parents are quite well off, so yet more money to fork out for disguises because Courtney's parents got her a princess costume and some candy shaped like dragons, so you have to keep up… It must be exhausting being a parent. And expensive, if you're competitive. That's why I've chosen to have cats rather than children. Cats have no concept of disguises. Or calendars. Cats rule. Kids suck. Yay! 

Today, my psycho neighbor finished building a cannon. An honest-to-god, on-wheels, could-be-on-a-pirate-ship cannon. And now he's testing it in the forest by my house. I'm pretty scared for my life, to be honest. FML

It's a bit like Saint Patrick's day. It's an Irish thing, from Ireland, and all the booze-hounds from the world over have jumped at the chance to be a part of it (no, having a great-great-aunt who once went to Dublin doesn't make you Irish, stop it). Halloween is also a Celtic thing, even though children a bit less enthusiastic about Saint Patrick's Day, there's a lot less alcoholics to be found amongst the under-10s if you leave out the Cub Scouts. A lot of parents these days are scared stiff for their kids thanks to the scaremongering business the media deals in, so why inflict even more fear onto them with a festival dedicated to weirdness and the BOO! factor? Parents are scared, kids are scared, and the happiest people on Halloween are agoraphobic paedophiles.

Today, my daughter was scared to go to the bathroom because she thought there was a person behind the shower curtain. There actually was a person behind the shower curtain. FML

It can be fun to scare people, just be reasonable. Don't go overboard. Telling your boyfriend that you can't come to his slide show evening because you've been abducted by terrorists doesn't even qualify, unless you've got a really stupid boyfriend. Telling your boyfriend that you want to organise a slide show evening, with 2000 slides of your trip to a sausage factory, that's just cruel. Especially if he's really stupid.

Today, as a prank, a friend and I tied a 10 dollar bill to a fishing line, and yanked it away from people as they reached for it. It was going really well until one of our victims pulled a knife and chased us around the block. FML

In any case, I'm not saying that people shouldn't go out and have fun with disguises and fake blood and pranks and stuff. I'll get stuck in, no matter what the occasion. Maybe not the sausage factory slide show, well, maybe if there's a BBQ and some JD's… This Friday, I'll be dressing up as a someone who's happy with life in general, and I'll be watching some really scary movies, like anything with "Big" and "Momma" in the title, Gigli, or that one where Sylvester Stallone tries to do comedy. Gruesome. I hope you have fun, and please do drop in on my annoying neighbour, ring her bell, get her dog to bark. I don't care, I sleep with ear plugs. Happy Halloween!

The illustrations for this article were done by Bénédicte from Bloutouf

#1479 - About FMyLife - On 10/31/2014 at 11:32am by Alan - 29 comments

Enutil's illustrated FML

It's Halloween. I didn't know how to broach the subject, but then the woman who intermittently shares my life (I'm kidding, she's my ugly, smelly cousin) remarked that the FML mentions blood, and that I should link it to Halloween. So now I'm going to pretend that I came up with the idea all on my own. Talent borrow, genius steals and all that. Living together is complicated enough without having to be careful about intellectual property laws. You can borrow each others ideas without becoming a plagiarist, surely? In any case, this week's illustration is all about partnerships, living together, the problems that can arise, communication issues and the ensuing bloodbaths.


"I like violence, debauchery, lust, alcohol, depravity and all the photos of those cute little baby iguanas that are so cutesy cute."

Self-portrait Enutil by Enutil


Enutil is a mysterious person. He only wants to be known under that one moniker. In French, it sort of sounds like "inutile", which means "useless". Already, his first personal FML is : "Turning up to a festival with this name."

His info:
Age: 30, "but it's not your age that counts, it's what you do with it."
Location: Rouen, France
BlogParadis d'anges heureux
His illustrated FML: The one with the cut

So, who's behind the name? I like discovering people, except in the shape of dead bodies under my bed. I could explain the story behind that remark, but it's still under investigation, and my lawyer has told me to shut my shitting mouth (apparently, it's legalese, I'd never heard it before). So, what have I learned about Enutil? He's from Rouen in France, he's 30 years old, he's "just passing through" life, and that he's never bored of what he does. OK, that's something.

What does he do? Where does he come from? "I'd always been more interested in literature. I hated maths and physics, and I was a total embarrassment in biology (a teacher once told me that she "pitied my girlfriend" when handing me back a paper I did on contraception. FML) So, I followed my destiny and did a diploma in science. Once I got the diploma (with a 4/20 in biology, the second time, because the first time I got a 5.... FML) I hadn't really asked myself what I wanted to do with my lift, so I did a course in computer science. It taught me a lot, mainly that it really wasn't for me. I stopped the bloodbath at the end of the school year to study thermic engineering, because I'd heard there were job openings. And it was true, once I had my diploma, I already had work." OK, that's a nice résumé. 

What about current news, what's breaking? "I'm going to have my first comicbook collection! Well, it's going to be 4 pages in the middle of a collective work of 330 pages, but... IT'S FANTASTIC!! (Envies d'ailleurs) Besides that, with people I used to collaborate with on "30 days of comics" we're working on a website project: Case libre. It'll of course be centred on comics, in all shapes and sizes, with a team of authors selected for the quality of their work. The team will regularly publish strips, comics and illustrations. The aim is to create a space where everyone gets their say, whether they're an author (amateur or confirmed), reader, or even publisher. The community aspect is the most important for me. There will be a forum as well."

Who is he inspired by? "Steven Seagal." 

Let's get down to the nitty gritty: your projects. "
Filling my blog, as always, investing my time with Case Libre and turning down a collaboration with Tarantino. Basically carrying on my series of strips "Bête", my stories about Jean-Paul Parfait. Ah and importantly, start my Al Killer (moron destroyer) strip again, of which a sequel should be with us soon. I need to get ahead on the drawing, to avoid making the reader wait for the story to move along."

What does he like? He seems to like Katy Perry a lot, seeing as he says that he misses her. So they must know each other. "Book: The Little Prince. Film: Prince of Persia. TV Show: The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Comics: Bernard Prince. So, musically, obviously, everyone will have seen it coming: Nolwenn Leroy." If you didn't get the punchline to that one, Nolwenn Leroy is a french singer who does dirge-like ballads.

To finish off, do you have a phobia? The same as a lot of people, uselessnessphobia, the fear of becoming useless. An irrational fear that pushes people to share the gaping hole that their life has become across facebook all the while collecting as many "friends" as possible. There aren't any self-help groups that we can join to help with this kind of phobia. However, if you want to show your support to this cause, you can do so on this facebook page." Duly noted! 

Another week, another weekend. Now go get dressy-dressed for Halloween, that's an order. My thanks go to Enutil for everything, I'm off to the coast to check out the sea and to drunkenly throw rocks in the water while cursing at the sky. Take care, be excellent to each other, and see you next week.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1480 - Illustrated FML - On 10/31/2014 at 11:04am by Alan - 1 comments

Krumla's Illustrated FML

It's Friday, so a bold font is required. I was sitting in my caravan by the side of busy road cooking cocktail sausages over a gas stove when I realised it was time to start writing something about this week's artist. This week we're travelling, we're going international once again. This time it's a bit more exotic than Canada or Belgium. We're going to Iceland, with a slight detour through California. What's the caravan for? It's very useful when your main accommodation-slash-hovel has been invaded by thousands of kittens or damaged by children. All this is the theme of this week's illustrated FML. Let's check out what it's all about.


"My desk is 10cm from my bed and I mostly work at night so the sound of my partner’s snoring has become standard part of my work process."

Self-portrait Sandra by Krumla


Krumla is Sandra. Sandra is Krumla. Sandra is from Iceland, she lives in California at the moment, but is moving back to Iceland in December. Got all of that?

Her info:
Age: 27
Ville: San Francisco, USA, but soon in Reykjavik, Iceland.
Her illustrated FML: The one with the towels

This is all very international. I like it. A British guy who lives in Paris, France interviewing someone from Iceland who lives San Francisco. So, what does she do? "Pfff, who knows? Right now I’m transitioning from trying to work as a visual development in the animation industry to being a comic artist. It was getting tiring to wait for studios to realize how awesome I am, so being able to work independently on my own projects is very nice. It allows me to finally tell my own stories and I really enjoy it.  Right now I’m creating a weekly webcomic called Brainiacs (or Ofvitar in Icelandic). It’s about two nerds, Erna and Arnar who live in Reykjavik and their daily adventures. They are mostly inspired by myself, my boyfriend and our friends. I started making them for an Icelandic website called Nerd of the North and people seem to really like it. It is available to read in English here.

What sort of projects does she have? "I have two ideas floating around in my head, I can’t really talk about them at this stage. One is going to be a graphic novel that I want to pitch to publishers soon. I want to test my skills as a writer with it because I love stories that marry humor and tough subjects and this is definitely that sort of story.
The other idea is going to become a fantasy webcomic that might take years to complete. It’s going to be epic! Spanning years and continents, lives ruined, blood shed, epic."

How does one end up in San Francisco when you come from Reykjavik? "I studied Multimedia design in a Icelandic college called Borgarholtsskoli. Then I moved to San Francisco and graduated with a B.F.A in Animation: Visual Development from the Academy of Art University about a year ago." It was that simple. The first time I went to California, I was pulled out of the line at passport control and I really thought I was in for a rectal exam. I wasn't, they just wanted to look at my bag for some reason, but I didn't feel really welcome. I didn't leave with a diploma or anything.

What is the inspired by? "Everyday life, books, movies, random trivia… It is hard to pinpoint how where the ideas come from. Sometimes it takes me a few days to figure out what I want to say, other times it flashes before my eyes instantly and I have to draw quickly before it goes away." Was there an event or a person that made her want to pick up a pencil and start doodling? "I’ve always drawn. Nothing really exciting to say about that. I tried to study something normal at a regular college and thought about becoming a lawyer or economist but that was ridiculous. I would have just been doodling in the courtroom." I can understand that. I've got a degree in psychology. I almost was a work psychologist. I swear this is true, with a specialisation in ergonomy. It just goes to show that you start your adult life thinking you're going to become something, and then a few years later you realise you were right to take a left at one point in your life instead of going the opposite direction. It's the same in love, you think you'll never change your mind about something, that it's impossible. That it'll never happen. Then a few years later, you wake up to realise that you should've tried, and things have passed you by. You have to pay attention. Hashtag YOLO. 

What about her influences? What does she enjoy in life? It seems that her hero is Faith Erin Hicks. "About 15 years ago she taught herself how to draw by making a giant webcomic called Demonology 101. This year she just won an Eisner award for another comic she wrote and drew by herself. She’s also made a few collaboration comics like the Last Of Us: American Dreams. She just really seems like someone who has worked her ass off, was able to do her own thing, and seems like she really deserves tons of success." How about the little things in life? "My friends and I started to play Pathfinder recently. It is like a beginners version of Dungeons and Dragons and we are all total n00bs. I don’t have much pastime lately. I’ve mostly been working and stuff but I have been replaying Dragon Age. It is a RPG fantasy video game that I love more than any other game. The 3rd part Dragon Age: Inquisition is coming out in November and I’m really excited about it (and worried about how much time I’m going to waste playing it). If I could have any job in the world, it would be to be a character designer for that game.

To finish off, how about the usual personal FML? "
Maybe that one time when I managed to lock myself in my own apartment. I was going to class and already running a bit late. My front door has one of those surface mount deadlocks where you have to turn the knob to unlock it from the inside. When I try to open my front door the lock had jammed and wouldn't budge. I was starting to panic because this was the last class of the semester and my grade depended on my turning in my assignment. After about 10 minutes of texting people in my class that I might be late, texting my building director to see if he was in the building, and trying to loosen the knob on my own I grabbed a hammer and banged on the knob until it loosened. It finally got me free and I was able to make it to class. Of course, the teacher didn't show up that day. FML" Classic case of wanting so much protection from the outside world that you get locked inside from it. Great story nevertheless, have a golf clap.

It's Friday and I'm love. That's The Cure again, not me. I'm not in love, as 10CC said. Thanks Sandra for patience and your great illustration. It's now the weekend, so it's time to go out to get some JD's, some coke and some Pringles. Or just stay inside and meditate while listening to whale music. That's what I'll be doing all weekend, because I'm poor. Next week is Halloween, so who knows what could happen. It'll be a surprise. Be excellent to each other until then.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1478 - Illustrated FML - On 10/24/2014 at 9:41am by Alan - 15 comments

Scarlatine's illustrated FML

The Artist's interview

All illustrated FMLs

FML's blog

  • Scarlatine's illustrated FML
  • Are your abs well-toned and look like you’re made of metal? Feel like a machine ready to take whatever the crossfit fad can throw at you? Do you scream, ”Bro, do you Even lift?" at people during…

Monday 5 October 2015

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