Hello again, it's time for my weekly whinefest. Yes, I'm back with more of your "wonderful" questions, and some frank and honest answers. I was mentioned in the New York Times* this week and they were saying that my style is somewhat unconventional and rather unhelpful. I repudiate that claim. My work here is mighty precious, and anyone says otherwise can come round my house and get a taste of my fists. Anyway, this week brought more crybabies and strife, so come on down all you lucky winners.
In case you are too thick to understand the basic premise: Two weeks ago, I asked those of you with problems of the heart or of any other organ to write in, so that I could give you advice. My advice is rock solid, based on decades of helping others achive various goals, achievements and orgasms. Hey, I may be old, but I've been around the block. Anyway, these days, people waste their money on "alternative medicine", which frankly is a whole load of tosh, and might as well be paid for in "alternative money" like Monopoly money or buttons. Anyone who has faith in Reiki can fuck off right now. Still here? Good. Anyway, I offer a back to basics deal, less bullcrap, more straight talk. Got it? Let's go.
(The cat psychologist listening to his favourite patient, who smells of catfood)
So, you wrote to me. And what a load of nonsense most of it was. I still got a few "funny" messages, asking me how to get to outer space, request hand jobs or just telling me to fuck off back to whatever circus I came from. But I can't do any of that, because I've got a contract. So I read the realistic responses, got a few written agreements and now I can offer up this week's selection to the rest of you. Please bear in mind that this is for the good of the community, and is in no way a bunch of cheap shots at somebody else's expense.
When is a door not a door
Our first question of the week is from foxytheologian :
"How do I make it so that I can actually open jars without my boyfriend's help?"
Hang on… Is this 1953? Are you stuck in a time warp? I know that the MRA idiots are going to start a backlash if I mention this but women can open jars just as well as men can. You don't need a man to open your jars. Just believe that you can open your jars, and stop being such a wuss. There's also tools you can buy to help you open jars these days, technology is just so wonderful. I know that when I was a little girl, we thought that the future was going to be hover cars and jetpacks, but a tool for opening jars is just as good. And besides, jars are tight because men make them tight. Don't give up the fight, sisters! Don't let the man grind you down. I was there in the '60s, burning my bras and fighting off the oppression of the patriarchy, but nowadays it's creeping back. Don't let it. Don't be fooled by any of it.
An anonymous source needs advice now:
"Auntie Bernie, I need advice. I met this guy and I really like him but we live in different countries and he has a girlfriend.. I don't know what to do especially when he says dirty things to me because I feel guilty but at the same time I like the attention. Any advice?"
Now hold on a minute. What sort of question is this? You've met a guy who lives abroad, you feel sad and lonely and yet you admit he has a girlfriend? Didn't you hear alarm bells go off in your head, or did you just hear wedding bells? I think you need to sit your hiney in a bucket of cold water, AKA the OTHER Ice-bucket challenge. This is wrong on so many levels. This guy is using you a sexual plaything, talking dirty to you behind his girlfriend's back, and you're letting him! Don't be THAT PERSON. Get out, now. Tell him to stick his randy phone calls up his you know what and get on with your life. If you're that desperate for attention, get a wacky haircut and go wander around town. You'll get loads then. Do you need me to kick your butt? Because I will.
Who am I?
Another classic problem for liamwolf792:
"Hey Auntie Bernie, I'm 16 years old and I'm in a not so sexually active relationship. By not so I mean every time I try to have sex with my gf I can't see to keep my erection. I can get one from just looking at her so obviously this isn't a physical problem. She even laughed in my face last time I went soft, any advice??"
Hmmmm. Now. This guy has a famous soccer player as his profile picture. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with that, but it's well known that guys who are really into team sports are secretly a bit gay. I mean, come on, all that sinewy muscle, those toned, athletic bodies. Of course the spectators are watching for the short shorts and the cheeky smiles. So liamwolf792, have you ever thought about soccer players while... taking a shower? There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, I say go for it. I lived in a nudist commune in Austria in the '70s where life was a lot less concerned about worrying about labelling people, so I've tried all sorts of things. Or maybe you're not unknowingly gay, maybe you're just not that into her. Then again, that's never really stopped people from having sex. So what is it with you, huh? Just try something new for a change.
The Not Knowing
A real heartbreaker from patts_:
"Hi Auntie Bernie. So I have a crush and he is so adorable. When we are together, it's so great. So great , people thing that we're dating. But we're not. He is protective and kind and I adore him. Okay point is: I need advice on how to tell him I like him without ruining our friendship if he doesn't feel the same way. I wouldn't wanna throw what we have away but I don't wanna live with regrets. Thoughts? Thanks"
Oh, it's one of those situations. Patts, be very careful. You're not being a very good friend in keeping this from him. So there's two ways to deal with it. Either you tell him how you feel, and it can go either way, or you can say nothing, suffer in silence, eat and drink your feelings in fast food joints and eventually watch him get engaged to someone else, meet up years later, admit that you liked him "back then", he'll say, "why didn't you say anything?", you'll embark on a half-hearted attempt at an affair, but will ultimately fail because you both have children with other people, and that'll be the end of that. What sounds like the simplest solution ? I know, so get on and say something. Or just kiss the guy, stop being such a wuss! A small rejection is better than years of not knowing.
Last question from Angi22, who is being hounded:
"Hey Auntie Bernie, do you think you can give me some advice on how to tell people to leave me alone and that I'm not ready to marry! I'm only 24, I got plenty of life left in me right? Who needs to settle down, I just can't find a way to tell folks off, any thing helps! Your the best?"
Angi22, you've come across a situation that is afflicting a lot of people these days. When you admit to not being "ready" for marriage, or for kids, or for whatever, some people can get really offended. Like you're criticising their life-choices. But you're not. The best thing to do is to tell them to back off, in a voice summoned from far beneath the ground. Or prepare some better comebacks. Tell them that you don't want to ever get married because marriage is an outmoded institution that you wouldn't invent if it didn't exist, because love is a spiritual thing that doesn't need a piece of paper or some else's blessing, be it another human or a mythological being. That'll shut them up. Maybe. People can be such dickwads sometimes. I never got married, I'm more of a free spirit myself. Don't tie yourself down, live life. Get on with it. Stand up for yourself.
There, that'll do for this week, I've definitely helped those youngsters. As I said last time, if you wrote to me and you're a bit sad that you weren't featured in this week's column, don't panic! You might appear next week. If you want to write to me to appear in the near future, my profile is here, or click on my message at the top of the comments under the article.
Who are you? Who who?
This is last part: the profile pic. The people who wrote to me also have faces. I don't mean the people who cheat by using pictures stolen from Instagram accounts belonging to pretty people (when in doubt: reverse image search on Google) and who lie and claim "Yes, that's me in the photo!", I'm talking about the people who are brave enough to put their real face on FML.
This week, we're taking a look at Hildy93. I don't where to start. The glasses? The hat? The t-shirt. Either this was St Patrick's Day, or he just likes dressing like a twit. I really hope he's from Ireland. There's nothing worse than someone from Long Island going, "Oh I'm Irish" based on the fact that their grandmother's great cousin once bought an apple in Dublin. It's a weird US tradition and it's got to stop. This guy looks like he knows how to party. Or get drunk after two weak beers and then fall over into a bush. With a bit of luck, he lost that hat and those glasses, or he got beaten up by some angry leprechauns. It's not going to do, is it? I hope by next week he has deleted that profile pic, and put on a suit and tie, the green-infested tosser.
That's my second column over with. I hope you don't mind if I leave you in peace now, it's time for my medication. Don't hesitate to write to me if you need help seeing the light and/or need advice on how to lead your love life. I'll try and help out, in my own special way. Take care, young people everywhere.
Auntie Bernie is dressed by Bénédicte of Bloutouf