Hi there, young people! I'm back for the first installment of the monthly version of my no-bullshit advice column. You young people certainly have too much time on your hands, judging by the amount of dross you've sent me. Yes, I've ready your puny little messages, and boy, am I miserable now. But never fear, I'm here to cure you through the power of straight-talking, no-nonsense words of wisdom. I'm a bit like Gandhi, doling out simple philosophical nuggets to an ungrateful world. Anyway, time for me to strap on a pencil, and get started on this week's selection of questions.
The basic idea: At the beginning of the summer, I asked those of you with trouble and strife in their life to write in so that I could give you advice. My advice is based on a very simple method, revolving around me getting slightly drunk on whisky and shouting at what I'm reading. The mind boggles at the amount of pity parties you people throw yourselves. Get up off the floor, do something positive about your lives, everybody walk the dinosaur. At least you've not sunk to the level of people who believe in Feng Shui or homeopathy, or other alternative bullcrap. You're here for some stern words and a good talking to. Good.
(The tinfoil based therapies are very popular amongst chemtrail-believing nutjobs)
So, I've poured through your messages. Yes, I also got a few "oh look, I'm so funny-type messages. Just check out the guy who is featured in picture part of this article. But other than them twits, I found a few subjects to have a crack at, and I've written out my replies, hoping I'll be able to help. Please bear in mind that everyone featured on this page is a willing participant, and knows what they are getting into.
How to do it
Our first question of the week is from XBurytheCastleX :
"Dear aunt Bernie, I am a lesbian and my girlfriend and I have been together for almost 8 months. I'm not sure how to proceed with sex. I've done research etc etc and I can't figure out what to do. Please help??"
Interesting question. I used to be involved in a threesome with two cheerleaders in Texas. I can't say which ones for legal reasons, or even confirm or deny that it actually happened, but let's just say I was hoisted in the air several times that night. I'd never been with a woman in the Biblical sense (even though the Bible seems to frown upon people having fun in that way), but that night was a revelation. Yes, that's a Bible pun. So if I could learn in a night how to scissor with two supple, sporty Texan girls, how come you can't work it out after 8 months? Are you what parents call "special"? It's not really that hard, you just have to go with the flow. Unless she's demanding really weird stuff, like… Let's not go into that right now. I mean, you do know what the female body likes, seeing as you've got one yourself. Just do to her what you like having done to you. It's not rocket surgery. Jeez, do you want me to show you how to finger a bowling ball as well?
warrenhoward42 needs advice about a girl:
"So there's this girl, I'd rip a star out of the sky for her if I could, we talk every day but I can't seem to figure out if she feels the same way about me as I do her. I have gone down this road twice before, but this time she's acting way more involved with me. Thoughts? Advice??"
Anyone who starts a sentence with "So..." is already in my bad books! What is wrong with you people? Are you trying to sound like crap stand-up comedians? "Sooooo, what's the deal with airline food?" I'll let that slide for now, but then you say you want to rip a star out of the sky for some broad, and I'm not really happy about that. I get the tacky sentimentality behind the statement, but come on. What's she going to do with a luminous sphere of plasma held together by its own gravity? If you ripped the Sun out of the sky, everything on the planet would die. Is that what you want? To make everyone die? You vicious bastard. Anyway, you can't figure out if she'd commit mass genocide for you too, and that's a shame. But it also one of the toughest things to work out, along with the whereabouts of the TV remote. The best way to find out is just say what you feel. There's no point dilly dallying around, waiting for her to make the first move. Just get on with it. Ask her out. She'll always find a way of making things clear, ie. saying "As friends... right?" If she doesn't, suggest going back to your place to have some hot chocolate and watch Ghostbusters 2 on VHS. That line always works on me. Then you'll know.
Is this thing on?
Another long question, this time from TallMist:
"OK, first, I just want to say I'm not exactly sure if this is where I should send in my message. I'm just going to try it out anyways and hope for the best. Anyways, I had this friend of many years. I considered him one of my best friends. One of my only ones, no less. He was a fantastic friend. We'd always laugh together, watch movies on Netflix, he'd support me and, the few times he'd tell me about his problems, I'd support him. Or, I try to, anyways. But one thing he couldn't just support me on was the idea of gay marriage. See, I'm bisexual as well as transgender. And, despite my friend being a Mormon, he said he was completely accepting of the LGBT and supportive of gay marriage. But then a few months later, we watched a movie on Netflix about the LGBT and he said how he was beginning to be uncertain of his support. This is when things were getting shaky. This is also during a time period where NONE of my other few friends were talking to me, so I considered him my only friend at the time. Keep in mind we were only pen pals, though that didn't stop us from being close friends. We pretty much knew most things about each other. Anyways, he told me that, by Friday that week, or I believe it was Friday, that he wasn't sure if he'd be able to support the idea of gay marriage. So we got into a little fight about how on Earth his church could convince him that love was wrong, that God would be against love, him telling me how I should respect his beliefs, etc. And, while I wound up apologizing, I got depressed. He knew I only had him. I told him before how everyone else cut contact with me. Yet, he'd still refuse to apologize for telling his friend, who had no other friends, that she shouldn't be allowed to get married. So I got depressed for a few days. Who wouldn't? I've got no one as a friend except someone telling me that my love was weaker than everyone else's and shouldn't be allowed. And he eventually told me he had enough and that once I was stronger and not as depressed, he'd talk to me again. So, my last friend just cut off all ties with me. I tried Skyping him, e-mailing him, etc. trying to talk to him again, but he'd refuse to ever reply. And he still is, after I got some of my other friends back, apologized for anything mean I may have said or anything that may have offended him, told him I'd talk with the LDS, which he has been trying to get me to do for so long, even crossing my own line and telling him I'd be willing to agree to disagree on the matter, which he has been asking me to do. A week or two later, I even told him how I wasn't depressed anymore over anything, which was true. I have met literally all of his conditions and even went beyond them to get him to talk to me again AND MORE and he STILL isn't talking to me. I've told him I was done with him and he can talk with me when he decides he wants to keep his promise, acting like I was really, truly detached from him now, but the thing is? I still miss him. So much. It saddens me how easy it was for him to throw our friendship away, even willing to cross HIS line and lie about talking to me again just so he wouldn't talk to me. I got no idea how to go about this. Should I just wait around and hope for him to talk to me? Should I try contacting him again?"
A classic from Kneejerker:
"How do I get over a girlfriend that broke it off through text??"
Stop thinking about her, you idiot. Someone who breaks up with you via SMS is mean and isn't a very brave person. I'm guessing that you feel the itch to send her a message, whether an insult, or a message begging her to get back together. But you're only doing this to get a reaction, good or bad. Don't do it. The best policy is to grow a pair of gonads and respect yourself. Ignore her. Tell her to fuck off if you meet her in the street. Poison her plants. Call her parents to tell them that she deals drugs out the back of her car. Only kidding. Delete her number. Eat your feelings, gain 30 pounds like I did when I broke up with Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead. Pretend that she's dead. She might as well be dead, go on, imagine that she is. In a few months, or maybe years depending on how long you were together, you'll have moved on. But don't be a twunt and send her begging or insulting messages, it's the worst thing you could do. Otherwise I'll come round and belt you round the earhole, got it?
Last question from Novadi, who is feeling neighbourly:
"Hi Auntie! I'm a 17 year old going into my second year of college. I really want to major in Astrophysics, but my dad is trying to force me into a medical program. Is there anything I can do to be supported financially and still get the future I want? Thank you!?"
You're old enough to make your decisions, young person. Parents can be a real pain in the backside sometimes. They think they know what's best for you, but they don't. Most of their advice is based on bad decisions they made in the past. They say they want the best for you, but sometimes their opinion of what's best is just that, an opinion. It doesn't make it fact. So tell your dad to shove his medical career up his ass, he'll have to get free Vicodin from someone else. As for financial support, if your parents are paying for everything, that's great, but it still doesn't mean they get to decide what's best and plan out your whole life. If they're not, well, get a job, wash cars, spin round a pole, make dresses for cats. There's a wealth of opportunity out there, so just get on with it and tell dad to fuck off, otherwise you'll fuck his shit up.
There, that'll do for this month. As I've said, if you wrote to me and you're a bit saddened to see that you weren't featured in this month's column, don't despair! You might appear next month. If you want to write to me to appear in the near future, my profile is here, or click on my message in the comments under the article.
Who are you? Who who?
This is last part of the column: the profile pic. The people who wrote to me also have faces. I don't mean the people who cheat by using pictures stolen from Instagram accounts belonging to pretty people (when in doubt: reverse image search on Google) and who lie and claim "Yes, that's me in the photo!", I'm talking about the people who are brave (or stupid) enough to put their real face on FML, and who have agreed to appear here.
This week, we're taking a look at notcarwyn. This person has sort of agreed to be here. I'm actually getting some revenge because he sent me a message that said "Repeatedly spamming the fuck button so I'm fucking Auntie Bernie." Charming, right? He added underneath, "Please don't put this in the article." Too late. That sort of thing gets an automatic black spot in my list of rude people, so I put his picture up, for a laugh. He probably shouldn't be on FML, he looks about 12. Nice bathroom tiles, though. And what the hell is he wearing? What is that, a sweater, a t-shirt? The colors are all over place. Too much green. And wind your eyebrows in, son. At least he's not staring at himself in his phone. Can't stand pictures of people in front of a mirror staring into their phone. But still, he's looking harmless enough, and definitely gormless. Do people at school beat you up a lot? Can I beat you up? Stop smirking!
That's my second column over with. I hope you don't mind if I leave you in peace now, it's time for my medication. Don't hesitate to write to me if you need help seeing the light and/or need advice on how to lead your love life. I'll try and help out, in my own special way. Take care, young people everywhere.
Auntie Bernie is dressed by Bénédicte of Bloutouf