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Auntie Bernie delivers in 2016

Greetings my young friends! It's 2016 and I'm late. No, I'm not pregnant, I'm way too old for that sort of thing, even though I've been trying a lot recently (hey there Didier, you randy rascal you). Yes, I've still been active in the FML postbag, with the help of my friends over there who give me your messages. I read through them and decide which ones to answer, because a lot of them are a bunch of whining dross, frankly. Oh, I forgot. I've been told to be nicer. Yes, me. Bernie. Nicer. It seems that some of you have sent in annoying e-mails to complain about my "tone" and my "shitty advice", saying that I'm not a "real agony aunt" and that I should be "thrown into a canal attached to some bricks". Well, OK, I'll try to be nicer, if that's what you people want. Let's get on with it.

How does this work again? You know all this already! We asked you wonderful people if you had any problems, whether of the heart, the knob, the boobs or any other part of your body. I'd read them from the comfort of my armchair, and dole out whatever advice I'd deemed necessary. No need for therapy or anything like that.

In therapy, tissues are supplied in case a patient breaks out in tears, or starts masturbating like a gibbon.

I've been reading your complaints. Someone asked how "young" I was. Are you an idiot? It's in my profile, or so I'm told. To write to me, you have to click on my profile, so it's written right there. Is this what it's come to, people asking me to give them answers which are already displayed on the FML website-thing? Just in case people are wondering, the moon isn't made of cheese and Elvis is dead. Anyway, let's get to it. Please remember that everyone featured on this page is a willing participant, and understood what they were getting into.

Cheap shot

Our first question of the year is one from Railroader:

"Dear Auntie Bernie, My fiancée is wonder how you keep yourself looking so young? She is really jealous of your good looks."

Oh you little charmer you. Let's get on with the real questions, shall we?

I am what I am

Catdragon needs to know about shitty parents:

"I really want to get a girlfriend, but my parents are homophobes. if I get a girlfriend, I'll eventually have to tell my parents and introduce them. I don't want to get into a situation where I'm forced to pick between my family and my lover. I've already told them I'm bisexual, but that didn't go down too well. what should I do? I hope I did this right."

The last time around, I said that parents were idiots. I said that as a joke, and some got offended and send me death threats and voodoo dolls as if to prove my point. This question demonstrates that some parents are dangerous. Being hateful and unevolved is by all means everyone's right. People like this will die out eventually, probably after having blown their head off accidentally with one of the guns they love so much, and the rest of us can get on with being a decent, caring society. So, young Catdragon, yes, your parents don't "approve" of whatever it is you get up to in the bedroom, or who you fall in love with. So what? You don't need their approval. Live your life, move out and tell them to read a book every now and again. No, not that one.


Fancy that

An anonymous person is all over the place:

"So I've have taken a fancy on this one girl who is a grade above me (I'm a sophomore and she's a junior) and she's told me about how she plans to graduate early and go to an out-of-state college soon after. I haven't told her how I feel yet, and I will, but I'm concerned on whether or not it's worth it to be with her. After all, even if we were to date, it wouldn't be long before she left me for college. I'm not into long-distance relationships: I find the distance discomforting. Thank you for the advice. :)?"

Hang on, sophomore dude. What's with all this planning ahead? Have you lost your mind? You're debating the pros and cons of dating someone who has yet to graduate, you haven't told her how you feel, you haven't changed your socks in 9 days and you expect an answer right now? You're not into long-distance relationships, you find the distance "discomforting". Hey, I'm not into people who say "on accident". People who say "on accident" instead of "by accident" are automatically put into a category in my brain, people I couldn't trust not to try and fuck my dog. But I digress. Anyway, talk to this girl, tell her what's going on in your mind. Well, not too much. Keep it to the "I fancy you" part. As Funkadelic sort of said, free your mind, the long-distance thing should work itself out.


Trumpetsk is hesitating: 

"My boyfriend left me for my best friend several months ago. I'm still stuck pining over him, I'm trying to move on but even talking to other guys makes me feel like I'm cheating. I had a son with this guy and my weakness is affecting my son. How do I stop pining over a guy who obviously doesn't care about me or his son? How do I stop being so weak?"

He doesn't care about his son? Why are you pining for this dingdong? He's an absolute ass. I know, I'm supposed to keep my composure. But this sort of thing really makes my blood turn piss-yellow. You're not pining for him, you're pining for the idea of the relationship. The whole "my guy, our kid" thing. Move on. If you realize that this ass, sorry, ASS is worth nothing, zilch, you'll soon realize that a new guy is just round the corner, ready and waiting to be there for you and your son. I'm not saying, "Go for the good guys", because that's apparently a "thing" on the internet. My neighbor told me about these twits, and bleh. Just find someone who you get on with. Pining after the past just stops you from moving forward. It's easy to blame everything on the past, stay stuck on amber and think that your best days are behind you. They're not. Move on. Get some!

My sister

Another question from LivToFail, who is concerned about her body:

"I need advice, im trying to get in shape, im eating square meals, and exercising 2 hours a day, but it seems my stress with homework and schoolwork, along with parents and clubs is putting me in a time crunch, is there any way for me to get some shit off my back before I hit the dust under it? I want some hard advice because I just dont know how to juggle it anymore."

Time is like a spiral. It's also a song by Pink Floyd. I remember when I saw Pink Floyd in 1972 and they played "Time", Dave Gilmour was so... sorry, I was having an acid flashback. Some people think that time is elastic. Others think it's a social construct. I've even heard people say that time is an orange peel falling to the floor of a caveman discovering how to eat fruit. But that was my ex, and he was a German electronic musician, and you know what they're like. Anyway, square meals, exercising... Wait, what? Two hours a day? What is wrong with you? Are you mad? OK, I'm all for being sporty and fit and stuff, but isn't that a bit much? You need to work out (pun intended) what it is you want from life. Do you want to succeed in getting a cool job, educating yourself to how the world works, or do you want to run around and lift things for two hours a day? You might as well literally juggle. If your parents are forcing you to do stuff, tell them to back off until you figure out what you actually want to do. Remember: this will change all through your life. What you want to do right now will be totally different in 10 years. I know this is hard to believe when you're 20 years old, but it's true. And people who say any different have no imagination, and can't see any further than their grave. I used to think I was going to be a secretary. Then I discovered Pink Floyd and the blues. Never looked back. Have fun! 

Last question from an anonymous person:

"I have the most incredible boyfriend. We really hit it off and have a lot in common, and he understands me like nobody else. This is turning out to be a long term thing, but the problem is he can never keep a job or leave the house. I'm not shallow and it's not the money that bothers me, it's the lack of motivation and the idea of supporting him that upsets me. Do I stick with it, or start to cut it off? The stress this situation is putting on our relationship is almost to the breaking point. How do I handle this?"

See? This is the Yin to the Yang of the guy from the previous question. Or maybe the wang. Should I set the two of you up. You need to dump this loser, stat. People need to have dreams, ambitions, motivation to do… something. Maybe he's depressed, maybe he's got something going on in his head, we've all been there. I've suffered with crippling depression, but it never stopped me from going out and getting a job. Especially because it fueled my drug habit to combat the depression. But that's another story. Ask him if he's depressed, try and get him to see a specialist. If he won't, well... you have to think of yourself. Don't let him drag you down. The love is important, you've got that going for you. If he understands you the way you say he does, he'll make the effort. Good luck!


There, that'll do for this month. As I've said, if you wrote to me and you're a bit pissed off to see that you weren't featured in this month's column, don't send me any furious messages anymore! You might appear next month. If you want to write to me to appear in the near future, my profile is here, or click on my message in the comments under the article. 

Who let the dogs out?

This is last part of the column: the profile pic. The people who wrote to me also have faces. I don't mean the people who cheat by using pictures stolen from Instagram accounts belonging to other people (In doubt? Google reverse image search) and claim "That's me!", I'm talking about the people who are brave (or stupid) enough to put their real face on FML, and who have agreed to appear here.

This week, we're taking a look at Space_Teddy. Classic "looking up at the camera" pose going on here. I like it. But what's with the tattoo? Is that a tattoo? I'm all for expressing yourself with tattoos and body art, but I can't read it. It says something about Love, which is trite, and I just hope it says "Love is like licking a 9v battery". Which is true. And also like anulingus. Not a fan of the lip ring, but that's a bit of a young person's thing. When I was young, we just had earrings and that was your lot. None of these metal bits all over your body. The idea of putting something through my old titties makes me feel a bit faint. I like the face though. Pretty girl. Must get a lot of guys hot under the collar. Weird musical notes though. Probably listens to crap music, with guys that scream about how their parents won't let them go out. Gah.


That's my first column of the year over with. I hope you liked it. Or loved it. Either way, next time, maybe you'll be featured if you've sent me a letter. Just write if you want to be featured as the profile picture person. Makes no difference. In any case, don't be shy, write to me if you need help and/or need advice on how to live your life. I'll try and help out, in my own special way. Take care, young people of FML that I love <3

Auntie Bernie is dressed by Bénédicte of Bloutouf

#1574 - About FMyLife - On 02/05/2016 at 12:14pm by Auntie Bernie - 18 comments

Maïté Verjux's illustrated FML

Hi there you heteronormative cishets, being all monophonic and whatnot, and hi to all you other deviants as well! Who's up for a game of politically correct Boggle? It's time to take a look at the illustrator of the week, while making sure not to offend anyone. This week, we will be avoiding the issue of stereotypes and other complaints involving the tastes of various nationalities. No xenophobia or discrimination on FML. Our empire extends over several countries. We’re like the modern day colonisers, without the barbarism and submissiveness. To follow the trend, this week we venture outside of France, in many ways, since the illustration takes place in China, and its illustrator is actually there at this very moment. The art imitating life, reality meeting fiction, mirror mirror on the wall, pass me the salt, I’m losing my marbles in all this chaos. Let’s move on.


"If you get me a cat as a gift, you could quite possibly become my new number 1 hero (I'm a simple person)."

Self portrait Maïté by Maïté

This week we will by accompanied by Maïté. If I were president, I would abolish all accents, because typing a name like Maïté takes too much time.

Her infos:
Age: 22
Location: Ivry sur Seine, France
Website: Her blog
Her illustrated FML: The one with the lamp

As usual, Maïté contacted us by email some time ago. One day, it would be nice to start an article saying that we were contacted by the appearance of a hologram beamed by a robot, or a carrier pigeon. For now, this friendly email that was sent to us containing a nice idea, since Maïté was preparing a project involving cartoons in China. A bit like Jean-Michel Jarre in the ‘80s but without the light beam synthesisers. Oh all right, you get the references you deserve. Anyway, Maïté is in China right now, not playing synths, so it’s a good opportunity to publish her illustrated FML today. You never know, a FML reader out there could see it, get slightly miffed and take the piss out of her during a meeting. No, no bad reason to be offended by her illustration, of course. Especially since I always check with my black friend, my Asian friend and my gay friend when I have a doubt about the acceptability of a questionable subject(Hi, Kyf!).

What do you do in life, apart from travelling to faraway places, Maïté? "I got my degree only six months ago, and ever since I’ve been working as a freelance graphic designer for small projects, alongside a more personal editing work."

What do you enjoy about all of this? What do you miss? "I love the idea of visual communication in general, but I really hate typical "yoghurt pot" projects. The world of graphic design is exciting, but sometimes very frustrating. Adapting to a customer and to products may mean putting a hold on your own desires (and adding a healthy dose of violet)." I now understand the joke at the beginning of the illustration. I sometimes have a similar problem when I’m asked to do "more 'haha ??funny' and less 'haha ??weird' stuff, you know?" My mother is my harshest critic. 

Does this mean any particular news? "Just for a little escape from this "graphic prison," I’ve given myself a year to freelance to get into illustration and comics projects. Besides that, I’m finally getting over the holiday season and I’m eating loads of vegetables with vitamins in them."

What are your plans? "I'm going to China in a few weeks for a graphic novel project. After graduation, I said to myself, “Hey wouldn’t it be fun to go to the other side of the world now that I’ve got nothing better to do." But I took my joke too seriously and my tickets are non-refundable. So I'm going to spend three months in Beijing without speaking a word of Mandarin and publish in my illustrations over the course of time on my blog. The main theme of this adventure will be : “How to communicate via drawings?” I'll go to meet people through sketches, illustrated cards, and answer a number of questions: How do they react? What do they reply? Are European design codes understandable in China?" Obviously, this interview took place a few weeks ago. She’s now actually in China, so to find out the answers to these last questions, head on over to her blog!

And how did you get to where you are today? Without replying, “A plane, then a bus," I mean academically. "After a science diploma, it was impossible to enter directly into an art school, so I did two years of prep in applied art, before finally entering a graphic design school in Paris." Classic. It's less like an Indiana Jones route for someone who is in China, but it's something.

What are your inspirations, is there someone, event or something that made you want to get into drawing stuff? "Before I learnt to read, I spent hours leafing through comic books. I think my obsession with this format started very early, and it’s never left me so far. Today I have read more than 3000 different albums, and that's what really made me want to try my luck in illustrations."

And you did the right thing, and have done very well, your illustrations are really top toupee. And I’m not mincing my words. I’m crap at being an art critic. Can you tell? Anyway, when we saw your blog, here at FML, we immediately yelled: "OH YES!" In the sense, “Come do an illustrated FML” eh, not in a weird or perverted way. We’re not like that. Well, not during office hours anyway. Speaking of perversions, Maïté us that, "My old roommate used to make a very good ‘Grateau’, which is basically a cake-lasagne oreo-cookie-brownie.” That's sounds gross. And dirty. But it sounds delicious. We want it. Does he do home deliveries?

Tell us what you love in life, your passions, your hobbies, your vices, your little pleasures of everyday life? "I like horseback riding on the beach watching the sunsets, all while reading comics and eating Grateau." And the last things you enjoyed in cinema, music, comics and all that hoopla that people seem to enjoy but leave me cold? "I'll stay with comics... The latest Cyril Pedrosa “The equinoxes” is absolutely brilliant, I also loved “Lune l’envers” by Blutch and I reread with pleasure “Dream of the Rarebit Fiend” by Winsor McCay." Speaking of which, to stay with comics, are there artists whose blogs you follow and which you want to talk about, to push our fabulous readers to follow as well (and me too as well)? "I don’t miss any drawing by Geoffroy World, I love his absurd humour, and besides that I follow the best known comics bloggers, Laurel, Boulet, Cha, etc."

Boulet is the one that comes up most often amongst all of them when I ask the question. It’s true that he’s got quite the talent. He was on VDM once, a long time ago, long before we had illustrations on FML (so he’s never been on FML). We got him out of the gutter, we turned him into a dignified and proud boxer, we showed him how to counter an uppercut, we even gave him his first Everlast gloves. We turned him into a champion. He rose through the ATP levels with our continued support. Since winning the Golden Globe featherweight title, he took that belt home and stopped calling. We get a card at Christmas, and sometimes a postcard when he’s on holiday in Corfu. And that’s when he remembers about us. Come home baby, we miss you.

Speaking of beginnings, if you were to give advice to someone starting out in illustrations, what you would say to motivate them? “Seeing a good quality healer to bring good luck to you and your family. If that doesn’t work, work 12 hours a day for 5 years, and it should happen." It's a tough world trying to break into illustrations, it seems. When you're a musician, you can succeed even when you’re crap. Many crap musicians sell a lot of records. I’m not talking of technical proficiency, I mean lack of musicality and sensitivity. D’you see what I mean? Savages, for example.

To finish off, if you had to tell us your own FML, the most FML-esque thing that happened to you, what would it be? "My first outing on my scooter: I went shopping, it started to snow, I didn’t find what I was looking for, I lost the key to the lock in store the parking lot (which was covered in snow), I broke my lock with a clamp, and then I ran out of gas on the way back. It was really bad." Riding a scooter on snow is SUPER dangerous! I’m a biker, well, I have a motorcycle licence and a motorcycle, I can’t say that I’m really part of the whole biker fraternity, and I’ll even balk at the idea of driving a 200kg piece of metal on rain-covered roads. Definitely an FML, anyway! So many things happening at once is a screwball comedy moment, but as the great Morrissey said, “I can smile about it now but at the time it was terrible.”

That's it for this week! Many thanks to Maïté for taking part and her very funny illustration. Yes, yes. Sometimes I say things that aren’t ironic, you know. I hope she will return one day to give us another example of her sense of humour, the door is always open. Until then, I leave you with a love song that I like that I dedicate to you, and the difference between FML during the week and FML at the weekend. See you next week for another illustration, so stay beautiful, shiny and funky fresh! Be excellent to each other.

What about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated FML? Send us an email to [email protected] not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1573 - Illustrated FML - On 01/28/2016 at 11:13pm by Alan - 9 comments

FML Pics : Another Top 4 of your pics

They say that a picture is worth a boring bunch of words thrown at you by a corporate robot. That's true. Corporate robots are the worst. Anyway, the FML Pics app is still being downloaded all over the world! We've even got users in the southern hemisphere, and rumoffffffur has it that the singer Adele used it on her latest album (probably not true though). Everyone can fffffempathise with the crapness of the situations, a lot of us have blown a gasket in a supermarket parking lot; a lot of us have put our feet through a pane of glass while off our faces on PCP. Or maybe that's just us.

As previously, the FML app has been adding to its catalogue of pics. People have been taking more and more pictures with the app, editing them, adding the FML logsfsdfdsfsdfdo, text, writing captions, voting and commenting on each other's pics… Just like the FML app, but with pictures.

Last time, we had a hit parade of our favourite user submissions so far. We've created what we called the FML Pics Top 4 Best Pics! We mentioned that a Top 4 was weird. So, this time, it's still a Top 4. Because FML is weird and wonderful, and we don't give two hoots what people think. So here's this month's Top 4, featuring the actual FML Pics user's caption underneath each photo.


#4: So that's why they don't pay tax

"Look how well my IKEA bed was made. Flimsy cardboard."


#3: Scratch cards, not smash cards.

"Smashed the lottery case at work while putting away items."

#2: The Built to Spill remix album

"Bought a new seal joint, forgot to fit it, switched it on anyway."


#1: The saddest of them all

"Was feeling single as fuck so I decided to hold hands with mannequins
and take pictures.


So, what can you do now? Get the FML Pics app for your iPhone or iPad by clicking on the icon below of course, and then join in the fun. It's free of course, it's easy to use and we're here for any questions you may have about it. Oh, and no point using pictures from imgur or anywhere else. It's for your own pictures, not other people's.


We'll be posting more Top 4 pics in due time, so get snapping, you may be featured soon!

#1572 - About FMyLife - On 01/26/2016 at 9:31am by Alan - 0 comments

Lamisseb's illustrated FML

Hello everybody! So, who died this week? That’s the question that everyone seems to be asking. We had some complaints that some FMLs treat diseases and death in dark humour fashion. Is this kind of topic not entitled to coexist with regular jokes on FML? Can we laugh at everything? Stay calm. You will never see sexist or racist jokes on FML. But we can laugh at death because as Pierre Desproges said: “Doesn’t death to laugh at us? Is death not a practitioner of dark humour? " Offended by dark humour, but seeing no evil in sexism and racism is in no way FML’s style. This week’s illustrator knows a lot about dark humour and funeral jokes. Let's check him out right away.


"I love the long cookies you dip in glasses of milk. It's a lot less nice to do it with branches of celery."

Self portrait Sébastien by Lamisseb

Here we go for the illustrator of the week called Lamisseb. It's a strange nickname that hides a certain Sebastian. Let's find out together.

His info:
Age: "34, but it changes every year so I'm not sure."
Location: La Rochelle
Webite: His blog
His illustrated FML: The one with the divorce

It's always nice to receive emails from talented and funny people. Sébastien contacted us some time ago with a very enthusiastic email, and looking at the content of his blog, we jumped for joy in our the office because we had found a new gem. Yes, yes, we did. Clear drawings, lines as proud as a morning breeze on a Welsh beach, and funny dialogue. All we need here at FML. At first, I was a bit puzzled due to his nickname because I mostly saw "miss" in it, and I thought he was a girl. We exchanged a few emails and via these exchanges we have brought the world the wonderful illustration that we present to you here today. Certainly my creative contribution to the illustration itself was quite small, the glory goes to Sebastian for his legwork and his talent. Now comes the difficult task of establishing who is behind this talent. Who is this dude, since we have established that it is a dude?

So who are you, and what do you do in life, Lamisseb? "Pasta with tomato sauce, hide and seek games with my children and comics. This last element is what I do to feed my family, I dream of making a living from the first two activities."

Already making a living out of comics, that's a good start. It’s not any old scribbling doofus with a pencil that can get to do that. No offence to the unemployed artists I get in this columns.

What do you enjoy about all this? What do you miss? "I like to draw things to tell stories and make people laugh, that’s it really. I like to find a funny idea and put it into pictures. I like to enjoy life as it is and, in that sense, I want for nothing. I have dreams, though, loads! As in publishing news-related drawings in newspapers, make a humorous science fiction comic or parachuting off a stool."

He lives off his passion, he wants for nothing. I'm already starting to hate this guy.

Tell us you were at school you slapped about a bit, and your whole school career was a total sham? "I went to school and then I became a heart surgeon at the age of 12. My parents then insisted that I get a “real job." That's when I decided I start off in comics." Parents, always there to spoil the mood. Amirite, teens?

What are your plans ? “I’m working on the sequel to my dark comedy series "Et Pis Taf!”. In each of them someone dies stupidly, death and stupidity are two inexhaustible topics that go together very well. Volume 2 is due in 2016. I’m also working on a new project with The Noeils, my little favourite characters." We can see that by browsing your blog, those little eye guys (see opposite) are everywhere. Go take a look at his blog, it's really good. Come on, hop hop hop. Do it now


What are your inspirations, is there someone, an event or something that made you want to get into drawing? "I met Fane when I was a kid, author of the series ‘Joe Bar Team’. Seeing his studio and his boards in progress, hearing him talk about this job with such passion and kindness... I was already doing comics at the time but I honestly don’t know if I would’ve carried on without meeting him like that. I would love to see him today." Fane, if you are reading this, you know what to do.

Tell us what you love in life, your passions, your hobbies, your vices, your little pleasures of everyday life? "I like simple and accessible pleasures like caviar battles with a spoon or piloting fighter jets..." And what do you like listening to / watching / reading? “Do you have all day? In no particular order or completeness: the classic Count of Montecristo, the TV shows Daredevil, the movie Nightcall, "Happiness, desperately" by André Comte-Sponville, or the last comic opus, which is as excellent and always as addictive of The Walking Dead." Any other comic book artists you care to mention? "I do industrial espionage on blogs by Ben Dessy (Macadam Valley) and Le Cil Vert. I also monitor some cartoons that are published on Facebook by the excellent Lasserpe, Deligne, Na and Pierre Samson." Noted. I really have to look into The Walking Dead, zombies annoy me in general, except in Dead Set (but only because it’s a Charlie Brooker thing). Next.

A personal FML perhaps? “Returning from a bachelor party with a tooth missing, having to explain to my wife that no, it wasn’t just to "be just like in the movie The Hangover"." Hmmmm. A few more details about the events leading to the tooth and the extraction would have been welcome. Maybe in the next illustration. Given the quality of this week’s, we hope you’ll come back soon to do another! The door is always open!

And finally, do you have any advice for budding new artists? "Start with 500 pushups, newbie!” Yeah, you need to knock these young whippersnappers down a peg or two, you're right.

Yep, that’ll do for this week. It’s almost cocktail o’clock! I warmly thank Lamisseb for taking part in this whole shebang. Perhaps he’ll be back one day with some other illustration. Here at FML we’re hot to trot, to use an expression that hasn’t been used since 1963. Until that happens, I’ll leave you with one member of the FML team in the snow, and me I when I try to do the splits. See you next week for further illustrations, be groovy, be excellent to each other and don’t fear the reaper

What about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated FML? Send us an email to [email protected] not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1571 - Illustrated FML - On 01/22/2016 at 3:46am by Alan - 4 comments

The Best of the Worst #21

Yay, it's 2016 and it's the first Best of the Worst of the year! This year has started with a bunch of sad deaths, and it uncharacteristically begins with the month of January, so we're here to cheer you up on what is known as Blue Monday. We've prepared a bunch of posts from the bottom of the FML mailbag that are bound to slap a smile on your face. Let's get straight to it!

For the people who have never seen this column before: we get sent loads of FMLs, each day, every day. We only publish a few a day due to the fact that a lot are simply too bad. And not in the Michael Jackson meaning of the word. In amongst those, we also get weird stories, if you can call them stories. That's what we post in this column. This is a collection of the best of the worst FMLs that people have sent in to us. Check this month's selection!

Holy non-sequitur Batman! 

Today, I was blowing my nose and a knife flew through the air and stuck into my nose, my dog has cancer FML


Today, I woke up and looked at my Dick. To my surprise there was fuzz there! I was excited and smiling until it blew away… I hate lintballs. FML

Nice strawman

Today, a gay man saw the cross necklace I was wearing and tried to beat me up. I defended myself, and he ended up in the hospital. Guess who is being accused of hate crime. FML.

Mountains, molehills…

i took a bite of an oatmeal raisin cookie that i thought was a chocolate chip cookie…this is the only reason i have trust issues

LOL WTF indeed

Today, I get so shitface that I fuck a girl with Down syndrome man yo yo lol wtf. FML


Today, I had an Interview at Microsoft. After interview, they asked if I have any question for them. I asked with weird smile, “which browser do you use at office? Internet Explorer really?”. I don’t think that was well received question. FML

Robot wars

Today, On my way to a 4500$ job offer a man cut infront of me by a robot,i decided screw this shit and go out and keyd his car.As i walked back he called me a bi*** so i threw a rock that i found through his window and drove off….i later got to the place and there he was…i said nothing and left!


Today, Today, I found out that thoughts,do indeed,do become things….i was lying on my bed while imagining someone jumping onto thier pillow nkt know their was a needle inside and dying(#1000waystodie)i luaghed then i turned over onto my pillow and noticed a 12cm needle piercing my ass!!!#LMAO

Product placement

Today, I realised Nike is not a lie……My mom asked(TOLD) me to wash 1 of our 2 cars so i asked:“which 1?” so she replied “make it both” OMW,So much for a relaxing saturday…..Now u know “JUST DO IT” is not just a phrase…. #NIKEFORDAYS!!

Sausage fingers

Today, I had a dream about my bestfriend getting fingered with a sausage by her boyfriend. My boyfriend was in the background eating salad. My bestfriend kept asking me why i was looking so weird. It was so awkward. FML.

That's it for this month. We'll be back in February for some more bat-shit insane FMLs, because there's plenty more in our backlog. You can probably see some yourself by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these all have been collected from the website right from the very beginning, so don't bother trying to send in your own weird ramblings to try and get them published in here, it won't work. Take care!


Bonus track: Another important message, which tells it like it is. Only badly.

Takes one to know one

Today,i realized half of the people trying to post fml’s,dont know how to spell or make sense.fml

#1570 - About FMyLife - On 01/18/2016 at 9:45am by Alan - 47 comments