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Illustrated FML (304) - About FMyLife (56) - Videos (34) - Ramblings (18) - Books (9) - Special guests (7) - Competitions (6)

Emily Chan's Illustrated FML

This week, we landed a spacecraft on a comet. Not FML, though. You've got to admit that the human brain is quite amazing when it comes to resources, creativity and inventing new ways to push things forward. On the one hand, there's a dedicated team of people who've managed to do something that seems to be right out of an Isaac Asimov novel. On the other, some twit in a plane flew over the First World War commemorations in France in a plane to protest the gay marriage law that was voted in ages ago, and he can't get over his homophobia. I'm paraphrasing, of course. But it's odd how some people can use their minds for progress and the greater good, and others use it to try and drag us back to the middle ages. Love knows no boundaries, and progress always wins, as does the truth. This week, truth is at the heart of this weeks illustrated FML. So let's check out who's lying, who's telling the truth and who's the third wheel.

EMILY'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"But by night, I am an evil villain whose name shall never be revealed."

Self-portrait Emily by EyChan

 


Emily is back! Wahey! She's already been on FML, you can find her previous work by clicking on this link. Welcome back!

Her info:
Age: 27
Location: Los Angeles, California
Blog : EyChan
Her illustrated FML: The one with the text


So, who is the person behind the cute drawings of foxes and, erm, dinosaurs? She lives in California, the place where hopes go to live and die. Artists are millions out there, and Hollywood is a huge machine that crushes them regardless of whether they are still breathing or not. But Emily seems happy out there. Maybe illustrators are less touched by the madness that seems to inhabit most of the people who flee there, full of dreams of celebrity and fame, you know the type: the people walking around Hollywood Boulevard and around Planet Hollywood wearing sunglasses at night, pretending to be actors, all the while working as waiters during the day. "By day, I'm your typical office employee stuck in front of a computer and surrounded by never-ending paperwork. But by night, I am an evil villain whose name shall never be revealed*.

*...I'm a freelance artist."

What's her current news, work-wise or personal? "I am working on a personal webcomic called StupidFox which I keep saying I'm going to retire from but that somehow never happens because I keep having ideas for it. Aside from that, I have small projects here and there, on and off, and everywhere. And then here's FML hassling me about making illustrations for them. (I'm kidding, please continue hassling me; I'm so lonely)." OK, we will, because we always need quality illustrations for our FMLs. Speaking of which, the other illustrators reading this article, feel free to get in touch to tell us all about your creations and your desire to illustrate an FML. We won't bite, we're actually very nice people. Well, some of us are. So get in touch, we'd love to hear from you.

What inspires you? "Only music can really get me to draw. However, to inspire me, it has to be my favourite song or genre. When I get tired of those songs, inspiration fails me and I'm unable to draw. This is why I constantly need to find new music every month or so to keep them in stock." I think that the worst thing that you can be subjected to when you are trying to work is other people's music. For example, I'm trying to write this article while my colleagues are blaring their godawful musical tastes, and it's like sitting in Hell. Thankfully, I have the self-control of a Shaolin Monk with an opium addiction. Long live working from home is what I say. It's the only way to work if you want to write something properly, because then I can concentrate while listening to John Cage's "4'33"". That, or earplugs.

What does she enjoy in life? "I'm a bit of a workaholic, so I enjoy working and having things to do. I obviously also like to draw (as a hobby), but never considered doing it professionally since I believe that once something gets turned into a job, it's not as fun to do anymore. I'll have days where I will have free time and don't want to do anything, so during that time I enjoy video games and/or sitting around watching cheesy horror movies while eating *everything*." OK, I can see a bit of myself in that description, if you replace the video games by guitars and horror movies by documentaries about ridiculous conspiracies. That's all that's left for us to do before the massive asteroid hits the planet anyway.

How about a personal FML to finish off? "I was lurking around Facebook when I discovered that the bully/enemy that tormented me during my childhood was a mutual friend of my boyfriend." Ah yes, Facebook, bringing you closer to your past, for better and usually for worst.

We'll hop off now for this week. We can thank Emily for her illustration, and grumble a bit because she's in California where I'm sure it's sunny and warm, and most of us are in the cold. Are we? I certainly am. It's so cold where I am, I got to smell that wonderful smell of burning dust and all the dead insects that had piled up inside my electric radiators the first time I turned them on this autumn. Lovely. Anyway, have a nice weekend, a nice week and be excellent to each other. See you next time!

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away

 

#1483 - Illustrated FML - On 11/14/2014 at 11:56am by Alan - 3 comments

The Best of the Worst #9

Veteran's Day has now been and gone. We've done our bit. We've made peace with spelling mistakes, called a truce with grammar and the cold war with syntax is over. Yep, it's once again the time of month to check out the weirdest FMLs we've received over the past few years. Remember, this is exactly how they are submitted, we haven't changed a thing. Here we go. 

As we've explained each time, the people who sent these… things to us are all real human beings. There's no software, no robot, no donkey with a pencil writing these. We pick these out of the FML mailbag out of thousands to show what we have to put with while we are moderating the stories that eventually end up on the main page. It's sometimes funny, sometimes baffling. Read on. 
 

The Squid

Today, I finally realized who the squid was. My friends have made fun of a kid they call the squid for years, and not wanting to look stupid, I never asked who the squid was. I’m the squid. FML

Cut

I had my penis surgically removed. I am getting married next week. I am a virgin, and now I always will be.
 

Scream

Today, my parents sat on the pourch blasting “Play that Funky Music Whiteboy” and screaming things about gay sex…and my crush lives across the street.
 

Insomnia

Yesterday my sleep-deprived eyes saw Jason and the Argonauts’ ship in the ocean searching for the golden fleece. FML.
 

In a bubble

Today, i thought it was cool that i had procrastinated from doing my english project the previous day. I thought about it and then I realized how dumb it was that for my prorastinating, I was solving a rubix cube for 3 hours and masturbating with bubble wrap. FML. 
 

Live long and prosper

Today, I was debating the pros and cons of have sex with my Star Trek obssessed science teacher. FML
 

SUPER SEXY

Today, my Spanish teacher got her stuffed dead chicken tangled in my hair. FML
 

Bench mark

I got my penis stuck in a park bench.
 

Easy Rider

Today, my girlfriend told me she loves me. Explaining her love for me, she told me that last night she had a dream of me dressed up as a Russian vampire driving a motorcycle. FML
 

Technical issues

Today, I found out I’m going to have to see a chiropractor for the rest of my life because of my wanking technique during my bodies development. FML
 

That's it for now. We'll be back in December, with more of the same. If you enjoyed reading these, keep an eye for more of them by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website. FYI: these are all compiled from the website started out, so to all of you who've tried sending in weird FMLs to try and get on this page: Don't. Until next time, be excellent to each other and go for a jog.

 

 

Bonus not-really-hidden, track:

 

Public address

I HATE THE FUCKING WORLD YOU KAN ALL GO DIE YOU MASTURBATING FUCKFACES I HHHHHHAAAAAAAAATTTTTEEEEE YYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUU SSSSSUCK MY FUCKING VAGINA YUM YUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DNT YOU ALL HAVE SEX ON MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#1482 - About FMyLife - On 11/12/2014 at 5:41am by Alan - 95 comments

Sarah Andersen's illustrated FML

I've been told A$AP Rocky regularly reads this page. I'm not sure if this is true or if I just made it up 30 seconds ago, but I want to believe it's true. I heard it through the grapevine, and if even laid-back but hardcore rap artists are starting to check our the illustrated FMLs section, it means we must be doing something right. Or I did indeed make it up to try to impress people. Speaking about the things we do to impress, this week the illustration is all about what women have to go to to look good, to be accepted in today's society, the terrible influence of the patriarchy on… Oh sorry, wrong meeting. Anyway, let's get our hands dirty.

SARAH'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"I currently live in an apartment that has warped floors, so I create my work at a desk while sitting in a rolley chair that's constantly rolling away from the desk!"

Sefl-portrait Sarah par Sarah

 


Sarah is Sarah Andersen. I've enjoyed her work for quite a while now, especially one cartoon which struck a chord within my soul. her style is immediately recognisable.

Her info:
Age: 22
Location: Brooklyn, NYC
BlogSarah's Scribbles
Her illustrated FML: The one with the legs

So, yet again, we're lucky to have someone who is quite well known on the Internet. I just sent her an e-mail, because I was a fan, then another e-mail to reassure her that I wasn't an Internet stalker weirdo dude, and that I really did want her to appear on FML, and she relented. And did a great job. We also post on VDM, the french website, so I'm quite pleased to be able to translate her work into french.

So, who is she? "Right now, I'm earning my income through a mixture of balancing freelance projects, syndication contracts, and selling zines and postcards of my webcomic, Sarah's ScribblesEverything is very hectic in my life right now. I just graduated, moved to Brooklyn, and am working on a ton of different things.  I'm experiencing a limbo period where I'm getting settled and figuring everything out." That's interesting, I'm planning on coming to NYC soon to do some sight-seeing. I've never been, and a friend recommended that I find a place to stay in Brooklyn because she lived there and it's supposed to be amazing, so… Nah, only kidding.

What sort of diploma was it? "I just graduated a few months ago from an art school called the Maryland Institute College of Art, and so far being an artist has been challenging but exciting. I'm very lucky to have found work as a cartoonist/illustrator, even if it comes in the form of working on a ton of different things at once!" It seems quite fulfilling: "I love connecting with people by making them laugh. Cartooning is something that comes naturally to me and I enjoy doing it a lot. In the future, I want to create more editorial and lifestyle illustration work.  I illustrate under a pen name (Sofia Christiansen) because the style is so different from my cartoons."

Has she always scribbled? What inspired her, and who does she currently like? "I always drew since childhood, but when I was in Middle School, I loved anime and manga and it made me really excited about drawing. That excitement stayed even as I got interested in other things.  Anime still influences the way I draw facial expressions." What about artists-as-heroes? "As a cartoonist, I have to say Bill Watterson. A lot of people cite him, but he set a very high standard for cartoonists. Reading his comics as a child really taught me a lot about cartooning before I ever knew I wanted to makes comic. As an illustrator, Ernest Shepard, who made the original Winnie the Pooh drawings. I keep a book of his illustrations open almost every time I draw more serious pieces so I can learn from his style."

What's her thing? "I love podcasts. When I have a couple of hours to just draw and listen to podcasts, I'm in heaven. A good one is the new podcast Serial." What about music and stuff to pass the time? "My favorite singer is Lana Del Rey.  Anyone who knows me knows that I've spent an embarrassing amount of time listening to her latest album Ultraviolence.
In terms of movies, books, TV, and comics, these are the last of each that I've seen/read; Gone Girl, Factotum by Charles Bukowski, The Office (late, I know), and Mutts by Patrick McDonnell." Hey, I'm currently reading "Hollywood" by Bukowski. Love that guy. And when I come to Brooklyn, where should I get something to eat? "If you're ever in Brooklyn, NY, go visit a place called Brooklyn Kolache.  A lot of people don't know what Kolaches are, but once you have one, your life will be forever changed." Duly noted, but now I'm hungry for something that I don't even know.

How about a personal FML to finish off? "I actually submitted one a few years ago. My parents left me alone in the house over the weekend, and right before they came back a squirrel somehow got in and knocked over all the dishes!" Yep, that's an FML alright. I had a pigeon fly in and take a dump all over my sweaters in my cupboard once. I had to get it out with a broom and a lot of shouting at it. Halcyon days…

That's it for this weekend. We can all go back to our normal activities, like helping people in need, painting an old chair, dancing around your living room with your cat, calling your parents to tell them that you love them, smoke some catnip, go to a jazz concert and laugh at the fart noises and the people with the serious expressions on their faces scratching their beards. Anything is possible this weekend. Be excellent to each other, and have fun.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1481 - Illustrated FML - On 11/07/2014 at 5:36am by Alan - 5 comments

On FML, it's Halloween every day

As you know, we never pass up the chance to open up a light beer and plunge into the depths of the FML archive to come up with some sort of theme. Most holidays, national or otherwise, are pretty well represented. Christmas, New Year's, Labor Day, Fozzie Bear's birthday… OK, Valentine's Day was a bit messy because we're cynical romantics, we take potshots at it, we had a laugh, but deep down we like the idea that somewhere out there, in a galaxy far far away, there's pure love waiting for all of us. But what should we make of Halloween? What's going on there? People dressing up as goblins and lawyers and all sorts of scary beings? Some countries have it, some countries don't. My old neighbour who hates everything, especially people having fun, would say, "Why can't people just leave me alone and stop ringing my doorbell?" But what about FML? Where do we stand on this issue? 




Let's be honest: life is scary. So why should we go that extra mile and disguise ourselves as the shit one from One Direction and go running around the neighbourhood to bother people for sugar products? Isn't that the basic idea? The disguises are supposed to be frightening, the movies and pranks are supposed to scare the poopoo out of our buttpipes, but why do we inflict it on ourselves? A lot of people seem to use it as an excuse to reveal a little too much about what's going on deep down inside their psyche. The guy bumbling around the subway with blood all over a messed-up doctor's costume, well, either he's watched The Human Centipede too many times or he's got some pent-up issues against the world. The girl dressed as a pony is probably pleased to have one day in the year where the strange smell coming from her hair doesn't seem out of place. On FML, people are afraid all year round. Don't believe me? You just have to read the stories we publish.

Today, I woke up because of a weird noise. Scared, I turned on my bedside lamp. I saw my older, 17-year-old brother peeing in my bedroom doorway. He was hoping I'd step in it in the morning. FML


There's loads of stories like that. OK, it's fun to watch scary movies (except 'Scary Movie') because it allows a little escapism, and you can think to yourself that it'll never happen to you and feel safe. It's true. The Walking Dead isn't a documentary, despite what thousands of nutjobs around the world seem to think. The whole thing with the guy in the Scream mask calling you from right outside your house never happens. Except to my parents, every Christmas week. But I have to do it to them, it's become a tradition, it the only entertainment they get now since M*A*S*H* was cancelled. 

Today, my son was crying because he's afraid he might get Ebola. We live in Maine, and he's 16. FML

Halloween, it's time for pranks as we've just seen. It's great to prank people, especially my old neighbour, the one who hates everything, but who loves to wake everyone up with Cyril, her stupid daschund that barks at thin air in the stairwell. Pranks can be done all year round though. April Fool's Day is supposed to be all about pranks. If you take pranks away from April Fool's, he'll start getting all sulky and stroppy and you know what that's like. And besides, some pranks aren't funny. Waking up next to someone who says, "Oh, by the way, I'm married," that's not funny. 

Today, at the pool, I decided to face my fears and go off the high dive. I slipped off the edge and did a barrel roll into the pool while screaming like a little girl. FML

And by the way, I agree with my neighbour for once. Stop ringing my doorbell for candy. I don't have any. I'm on the Atkins diet. I have banned all carbohydrates from my apartment. And I don't like small children coming into my airspace when I'm trying to watch Gogglebox. So leave me alone. I don't care if you're dressed like R2D2 or a police officer coming to complain about the smell of the corpses under my floorboards, you're not having any of my food. Capiche?  

Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML

It must be quite stressful for the parents of small children who get to see yet another reason to spend money turn up on their social event planner. Christmas, birthdays, the birthday of the new friend from the new class whose parents are quite well off, so yet more money to fork out for disguises because Courtney's parents got her a princess costume and some candy shaped like dragons, so you have to keep up… It must be exhausting being a parent. And expensive, if you're competitive. That's why I've chosen to have cats rather than children. Cats have no concept of disguises. Or calendars. Cats rule. Kids suck. Yay! 

Today, my psycho neighbor finished building a cannon. An honest-to-god, on-wheels, could-be-on-a-pirate-ship cannon. And now he's testing it in the forest by my house. I'm pretty scared for my life, to be honest. FML

It's a bit like Saint Patrick's day. It's an Irish thing, from Ireland, and all the booze-hounds from the world over have jumped at the chance to be a part of it (no, having a great-great-aunt who once went to Dublin doesn't make you Irish, stop it). Halloween is also a Celtic thing, even though children a bit less enthusiastic about Saint Patrick's Day, there's a lot less alcoholics to be found amongst the under-10s if you leave out the Cub Scouts. A lot of parents these days are scared stiff for their kids thanks to the scaremongering business the media deals in, so why inflict even more fear onto them with a festival dedicated to weirdness and the BOO! factor? Parents are scared, kids are scared, and the happiest people on Halloween are agoraphobic paedophiles.

Today, my daughter was scared to go to the bathroom because she thought there was a person behind the shower curtain. There actually was a person behind the shower curtain. FML

It can be fun to scare people, just be reasonable. Don't go overboard. Telling your boyfriend that you can't come to his slide show evening because you've been abducted by terrorists doesn't even qualify, unless you've got a really stupid boyfriend. Telling your boyfriend that you want to organise a slide show evening, with 2000 slides of your trip to a sausage factory, that's just cruel. Especially if he's really stupid.

Today, as a prank, a friend and I tied a 10 dollar bill to a fishing line, and yanked it away from people as they reached for it. It was going really well until one of our victims pulled a knife and chased us around the block. FML


In any case, I'm not saying that people shouldn't go out and have fun with disguises and fake blood and pranks and stuff. I'll get stuck in, no matter what the occasion. Maybe not the sausage factory slide show, well, maybe if there's a BBQ and some JD's… This Friday, I'll be dressing up as a someone who's happy with life in general, and I'll be watching some really scary movies, like anything with "Big" and "Momma" in the title, Gigli, or that one where Sylvester Stallone tries to do comedy. Gruesome. I hope you have fun, and please do drop in on my annoying neighbour, ring her bell, get her dog to bark. I don't care, I sleep with ear plugs. Happy Halloween!

The illustrations for this article were done by Bénédicte from Bloutouf

#1479 - About FMyLife - On 10/31/2014 at 11:32am by Alan - 29 comments

Enutil's illustrated FML

It's Halloween. I didn't know how to broach the subject, but then the woman who intermittently shares my life (I'm kidding, she's my ugly, smelly cousin) remarked that the FML mentions blood, and that I should link it to Halloween. So now I'm going to pretend that I came up with the idea all on my own. Talent borrow, genius steals and all that. Living together is complicated enough without having to be careful about intellectual property laws. You can borrow each others ideas without becoming a plagiarist, surely? In any case, this week's illustration is all about partnerships, living together, the problems that can arise, communication issues and the ensuing bloodbaths.

ENUTIL'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"I like violence, debauchery, lust, alcohol, depravity and all the photos of those cute little baby iguanas that are so cutesy cute."

Self-portrait Enutil by Enutil

 


Enutil is a mysterious person. He only wants to be known under that one moniker. In French, it sort of sounds like "inutile", which means "useless". Already, his first personal FML is : "Turning up to a festival with this name."

His info:
Age: 30, "but it's not your age that counts, it's what you do with it."
Location: Rouen, France
BlogParadis d'anges heureux
His illustrated FML: The one with the cut


So, who's behind the name? I like discovering people, except in the shape of dead bodies under my bed. I could explain the story behind that remark, but it's still under investigation, and my lawyer has told me to shut my shitting mouth (apparently, it's legalese, I'd never heard it before). So, what have I learned about Enutil? He's from Rouen in France, he's 30 years old, he's "just passing through" life, and that he's never bored of what he does. OK, that's something.

What does he do? Where does he come from? "I'd always been more interested in literature. I hated maths and physics, and I was a total embarrassment in biology (a teacher once told me that she "pitied my girlfriend" when handing me back a paper I did on contraception. FML) So, I followed my destiny and did a diploma in science. Once I got the diploma (with a 4/20 in biology, the second time, because the first time I got a 5.... FML) I hadn't really asked myself what I wanted to do with my lift, so I did a course in computer science. It taught me a lot, mainly that it really wasn't for me. I stopped the bloodbath at the end of the school year to study thermic engineering, because I'd heard there were job openings. And it was true, once I had my diploma, I already had work." OK, that's a nice résumé. 

What about current news, what's breaking? "I'm going to have my first comicbook collection! Well, it's going to be 4 pages in the middle of a collective work of 330 pages, but... IT'S FANTASTIC!! (Envies d'ailleurs) Besides that, with people I used to collaborate with on "30 days of comics" we're working on a website project: Case libre. It'll of course be centred on comics, in all shapes and sizes, with a team of authors selected for the quality of their work. The team will regularly publish strips, comics and illustrations. The aim is to create a space where everyone gets their say, whether they're an author (amateur or confirmed), reader, or even publisher. The community aspect is the most important for me. There will be a forum as well."

Who is he inspired by? "Steven Seagal." 


Let's get down to the nitty gritty: your projects. "
Filling my blog, as always, investing my time with Case Libre and turning down a collaboration with Tarantino. Basically carrying on my series of strips "Bête", my stories about Jean-Paul Parfait. Ah and importantly, start my Al Killer (moron destroyer) strip again, of which a sequel should be with us soon. I need to get ahead on the drawing, to avoid making the reader wait for the story to move along."

What does he like? He seems to like Katy Perry a lot, seeing as he says that he misses her. So they must know each other. "Book: The Little Prince. Film: Prince of Persia. TV Show: The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Comics: Bernard Prince. So, musically, obviously, everyone will have seen it coming: Nolwenn Leroy." If you didn't get the punchline to that one, Nolwenn Leroy is a french singer who does dirge-like ballads.

To finish off, do you have a phobia? The same as a lot of people, uselessnessphobia, the fear of becoming useless. An irrational fear that pushes people to share the gaping hole that their life has become across facebook all the while collecting as many "friends" as possible. There aren't any self-help groups that we can join to help with this kind of phobia. However, if you want to show your support to this cause, you can do so on this facebook page." Duly noted! 

Another week, another weekend. Now go get dressy-dressed for Halloween, that's an order. My thanks go to Enutil for everything, I'm off to the coast to check out the sea and to drunkenly throw rocks in the water while cursing at the sky. Take care, be excellent to each other, and see you next week.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1480 - Illustrated FML - On 10/31/2014 at 11:04am by Alan - 1 comments


FML's blog

  • Pauline's illustrated FML
  • Come on, no need to make that face ! Yep, it's sadly the last, mournful days of Summer. People are packing up their beach balls and flip flops, putting their caravans back into storage and trying to forget…

Friday 28 August 2015

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