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Loyd's illustrated FML #2

Friends, the end is nigh. According to our sources (meaning the people on the Internet who freak out about things they don't understand, like vapour trails in the sky or the basic chemistry behind vaccinations), the Ebola virus is right outside our doors. We're all doomed. It's over, people. Luckily, to boost the mood of a world going down the pan, David Guetta is back with a new song to cheer us all up. Wahey! So, let's all stay in the same party mood, and make the most of the time we have left to think about the things that make life worth living. Things aren't so bad, are they? We should all accept that we made some decisions at points in our lives, and now we get to enjoy the consequences. This week's illustration is all about what happens when you're not really careful when selecting a career, a reminding us all to think before signing on the dotted line. Check it, yo. 

LOYD'S ILLUSTRATED FML #2

"To draw, I need my computer, my Dr Pepper and my bag of salted microwave pop corn. It reassures me!"

Self portrait Théo by Loyd

 


Do you recognise this guy? Yep, it's the welcome return of Théo, AKA Loyd. His previous illustrated FML was quite a hit, so we asked him to come and do another one. And he said yes, so here we go again. 

His info:
Age: 19
Location: Lyon, France
Blog : The world of Loyd
Sa VDM illustrée : The one with the phobia


Théo/Loyd is from Lyon, in France. It's a nice city, located over there somewhere, and I think the population is of at least 17 people and a blind cat. What does get up to there? "I spent three years in high school there lounging around with disconcerting disdain, but I managed to get it over with in three years with a diploma in litterature. I had a specialisation in art history, which was nice but was way too long for impatient young man that I was, ready to start out in life (ho hum). Besides that, professionally, I've also been an assitant cook in a restaurant for a whole week. Does that count?" Yes it does, and that's perfect because I'm starving. I need feeding right now, despite the fact that I'm shaped like Homer Simpson. 

That reminds me somewhat of what I was saying in the intro about life choices, and work and all that. Théo/Loyd has seemingly been around the block a bit before finding his calling, his niche, and the most interesting people I've met are usually people who've not yet found out what it is they "want to be". People who "know" what they want to be at a young age usually miss out on a lot of things. It's a shame to stick to your guns sometimes. In love also, potentially. For example, you can find yourself in a relationship for years and then come across the love of your life quite randomly via friends of friends, but life is cruel and you can't just up sticks and change your life, even though you feel electricity every time you're in presence of this new person. I'm not thinking of anyone in particular, no, honest, I'm sure there's a few of you out there who've experienced this. Loyd for example, he's been to an applied art school with a specialisation in illustration, comics and animation, but who knows, maybe in 10 years time he'll be a truck driver who plays in a Nirvana tribute band. Anything is possible. 

I have to copy and paste this bit. Yes, I know, it's a bit lazy of me, but it's the weekend, and I like frightening people with this thing. When I asked him if he had any phobias, this is what he said: "I'm afraid of Scutigera coleoptrata. You don't know what they are? Have a look on Google Images and you'll soon find out. They're everywhere in the summer in my apartment and they can be at least 15cm long. They're AWFUL. And they can bite. And jump." I'd said at the time, "Ew, I'd run a mile in broken glass on my cock to get away from one of those." I stand by those words.

So, what are his inspirations, what makes him tick? "I won't give you the whole spiel about "Oh me I've been drawing since I was little and my mum says that I used to draw beautiful dragons and that I had a gift for drawing and blablabla." What spurred me on was seeing other people create fantastic stuff, and it made me want to do the same. And it's still a big source of what motivates me today! If I had to designate an author who made me want to draw, it would have to be Lewis Trondheim. It's quite simple, I represented 90% of the ratio of his comic rentals at the library." Oh, and without forgetting: "My hero is Johnny Cash. A natural stress-reliever since 1932. A little bit of Daddy Sang Bass, and I'm good to go!" 

He also makes videos on YouTube : "With my friends, we're preparing a web series, called Failures and it'll be on our YouTube channel!" I mention it in passing because it's all in French, so if any of you feel like checking out some odd french guys messing about, feel free to have a look!

Right, that'll do for this week. Quick article, due to a weird week. Strange weather, Ebola making people lose their marbles and loads of people turning up to my apartment. And a chance encounter with someone who came over to take pot shots at my choice of wall decorations. Seriously, who doesn't love Joy Division? Strange girl. She's learning to make jewelry. I go all weird just thinking about… Never mind. Next week we'll hopefully be visited by someone from further north than usual. Until then, be funky, listen to some James Brown, don't forget to call your parents to tell them that everything is OK, that you haven't got Ebola yet. See you soon! 

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1476 - Illustrated FML - On 10/10/2014 at 9:19am by Alan - 6 comments

The Best of the Worst #8

The month is just starting, or ending according to my bank account. What does that mean? Yep, it's time for a trip down crackpot lane. As you may know by now, every month we try to serve up a selection of the kookiest FMLs we have received over the past. We don't change a single thing, not a spelling mistake, not a comma. This is exactly how they are submitted. Here we go. 

As I said, the people who have written these FMLs actually sent them in exactly as they are presented. I just added some smartarse titles. We come across these when moderating FMLs, and you can too if you take part in the automoderation section of the website/app. If you feel you're up to it, psychologically-speaking of course. Anyway, let's get down to business. 

 

The theme from M*A*S*H*

Today my toddler commited suicide. He did not know how to write, so the suicide note was just a frowny face that was crying. FML


No one ever cares about GWB

Today, I went cannobalistic and ate my family, friends, and George bush. FML
 

Oh Icarus...

Today, I realized: When I was a child, I wanted to fly. Then I thought, “hey - if I become a human who can transform into a bird at will, then I’ll be able to fly without sacrificing my ability to communicate!” Later, I decided that maybe it would be easier to just focus on becoming a bird. FML
 

My point, and I do have one

Today everyone! I’ m so me don’ You were bored; t book-reading, you should have said to BYE to or really what…You appreciate, you have known! FML.
 

Magic's wand

WHAT THE F?!?!?!?! David Blaine keeps using freaky ass magic on me! FML 
 

Fraggle Rock

I love complexity I wish I could join them im actually a top fragger in the east coast, but mad people fake because im a jewish muffin. FML
 

Milking it

Today, I was in a grocery store buying milk but they didnt have any. An overweight ugly chic named Cow and she said that she have some milk in the back. I followed her to the back and she jumped at me and knocked me unconscious. I woke up found myself lying naked next to a Cow with 4 tits.FML
 

Granny Smith makes an appearance

i pooped real hard i swear i saw a whole apple come out
 

That song from the '90s

Today I was taking a piss when my detachable penis fell into the toilet and I flushed it. FML
 

When dogs go bad

Today, I got shot in the back several times by a dog who had some how found a paintball, don’t ask me how. FML
 

That's it for this month. We'll be back next month, same time, same place, same oddball people. We hope you'll be back because you enjoyed reading these, we certainly enjoyed looking out for them. FYI: these are all compiled from the website started out, so to all of you who've tried sending in weird FMLs to try and get on this page: Don't. Until next time, be excellent to each other and have a glass of water now and then.

 

 

Bonus not-really-hidden, track:

 

/ThatHappened/

I’m a single father with a 16 year old son, lately ive been waking up with a sore anus, at the moment im on the sleeping pills that help me to fall into a deep sleep. One night i decided not to take the sleeping pills and i was distrotly woken up by my son penetratinng anally.

 

#1475 - About FMyLife - On 10/09/2014 at 6:38am by Alan - 105 comments

Bénédicte's illustrated FML #2

Children are idiots. There, I've said it. OK, I'm joking. Sort of. Usually, people stare at me like I'm from another dimension when I tell them that I don't want to have kids. It's like admitting that I secretly want to push every kid I meet into a tar pit, or that I actively hate their kids. No, that's not it at all. It's just that I don't feel the actual need to reproduce. I'm not lacking anything, it's not a curse. But I can understand other people wanting to have them, and I have a lot of fun watching the kids that my friends have spawned get into all sorts of japes and accidents. They are a source of all kinds of funny stories. And on FML, we have loads of kid-related anecdotes. That's what this week's illustration is all about. 

BÉNÉDICTE'S ILLUSTRATED FML #2

"I love drawing cocks. I know, it's weird, but that's the way it is! Any sort, wooden cocks, April Fool's cocks, garden cocks, any pretext will do." 

Self-portrait Bénédicte by Bloutouf

 


This weeks sees the welcome return of another former FML artist. Well, she's returning to FML, because she's already a constant in my life, like the North Star, guiding me (usually towards sin). She's back with a new illustration, after having created one at the start of the year, which you can check out here. Hello Bénédicte !

Her info:
Age: 31
Location: Capbreton, France
Blog: Her Facebook page
Her illustrated FML: The one with the checkout lady


Bénédicte is young french MILF. Oh yes, I went there. She lives in a nice area of France, down by the ocean where all the surfers go to hang out and hang ten. She lives with her husband, their kids, their pets and her illustration workshop-type-thing called Bloutouf. Yes, it's a joke on how the french pronounce Bluetooth. She's inspired by the world around her, and I'll never get tired of the story about her son taking a dump in a fishing net. The last time she was with us, she mentioned something about making a comic book that would consist of illustrations of these real life events, but I tend not to listen to her when she comes up with grand ideas because she's often talking bollocks. But she's back on FML because it's actually happening: "I'm making a comic book about my life and my kids in particular, because they're an endless source of stupid stuff. They do more and more stupid shit as days go by. It's like they're battling to see who will come up with the worst thing to do."

That's exactly what I was saying in my intro, kids are idiots. On, no, not that bit. I said something about how it was funny to watch them do daft stuff. I invited her to come back to FML to tell us all about it, and maybe do some promotional work, get the word out. "This is why I chose to illustrate this particular FML, my son could've been behind it. I thought it would be great to illustrate it with him in the FML. Because that's him that I've drawn, and me too!"

And what's in store for her now? "I'm giving myself a year to produce more illustrations… My ideas come quicker than my illustrations. But I also have to eat, and most of my time is used for work." It may not seem like it, but Bénédicte works a lot, for lots of different clients and… OK, I'll let her tell the story. "There's a lot of them, and they're always in a hurry, but when it's time to pay me, they're not so much in a hurry all of a sudden! I'm still working for our environmentalist friends and soon I'll be working for a Moroccan youth magazine. People call me more and more often to do comics, the transition is going smoothly, and that's cool. I used to illustrate nothing but environmentalist stuff, my dream was to create comics. Now I illustrate environmentalist comics… That's some form of progress! Soon, I'll only illustrate things that make me laugh!"  Aaaah, to make a living doing what you love, that's the dream. If I could do that, I would be making money writing Facebook statuses like, "I've just eaten an apple". But there's not much money in that sort of creativity. Although, I did just write it on here, so you could say that it's the same. 

We might as well have a chat, since we know each other pretty well. What did you do during the summer? "I was like one of the Gypsy Kings in my caravan all summer. I went from beach to beach tanning my ass. I also wrote and drew a lot in my little travel notepad. I spent the time I had left drinking beers, playing pétanque and eating chistorra in Spain." We didn't even get to see each other, I was in her neck of the woods while she was away, which almost made me cry. 

Speaking of families, she has started a blog"My family and I are attempting an adventure that I'd like to illustrate all year, and it's an opportunity to unite all of my passions. I may talk a lot of bullshit all day long, but I'm very preoccupied by our environment. Everyone seems to think that it's boring, but it's not true… well, not always. This blog will allow some people to learn stuff, all the while being entertained by the humorous and committed side of the whole endeavour. Come and check it out! It'll motivate me to put more illustrations and articles online." 

Anything else to add? "Do you know that Georges Clooney 2 is about to be released? I'm a huge fan and I'm not just saying that because my friend draws it!" Ah, great news! We had Philippe Valette on VDM (our french website) a while back and we love his humour, so maybe he could come back and do another one to coincide with its release? Could you ask him, Bénédicte? And tell him I want to cuddle him? Thanks. 

There, that'll do. As you can see, the comic book's cover is ready to go. Yes, it's in french, "Histoires Vraies" means "True Stories". The title goes well with FML, because we also publish true stories; well, we try to. The fake and stolen stuff is removed as soon as it's proven that the story is bullshit. I'm only pointing this out because a lot of people ask me about this when I tell them what I do for a living, and I'm supposing that people who are reading this article might be wondering about this too. So Bénédicte and FML were made for each other, it's impossible to deny. And I'm not just saying that because she's my friend. The day the comic book is released and is on the shelves of local supermarkets, we'll ask her to come back and tell us all about how it feels to have her work in between the sausages and the cereal. And to find out whether her son has taken a dump elsewhere. As for me, I'll leave you with a song by a Swedish singer/songwriter that everyone should check out, and it's a special dedication as well. Have a great weekend and be excellent to each other. 

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1474 - Illustrated FML - On 10/02/2014 at 11:35am by Alan - 5 comments

Gragrou's illustrated FML

One day, cats will rule the world, but not today, there's a bit of tin foil stuck under the couch. The Internet and cats is quite the love story, everybody knows that. A very serious study that was done recently but that I completely made up has shown that if all the pictures of cats were removed from the Internet, all the computers online would shut down, unable to communicate due to a wrecked network. It would collapse like a plastic camping table being hit by a Chipotle burrito. Ancient Egyptians venerated cats like gods because they thought they were funny. This week we're taking a look at the relationship between cats and their owners, thanks to an illustrator who has captured the very essence of what it's like when people go a bit overboard. Here we go. 

GRAGROU'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"Procrastinate. Eat. Cats. Take a dump. Sleep. Geek out. Cats. Procrastinate."

Self-portrait Gragrou by Julie-Anne

 


What on Earth is that moniker all about? No but seriously, Gragrou ? What a strange name. In real life, when you meet her in the street, her name is Julie-Anne, "Not Julie. Not Anne. Not Julianne, or Juliane. Julie-Anne." So now you know, write it down somewhere.

Her info:
Age: 26 
Location: Metz, France
Blog: Her Facebook page
Her Illustrated FML: The one with the naughty pussy


Julie-Anne reminds me of someone. When I asked her what she does for a living, she replied, "Does procrastinating count? Besides that, I like putting off until tomorrow what I could be doing today." Yeah, I know, she reminds me of me. I know all about dossing about. I look like one of those people that isn't doing anything. It's an affliction, even though I'm actually like a spinning top inside my head. People just assume I'm doing fuck all, but I'm incapable of being inactive. "On a more serious note, I've just set myself up as a freelance illustrator, but I lack the self confidence to go out and find clients in a serious way. So, this means that I eat a lot of pasta." With a bit of blue cheese melted into some cream, pasta can be really great. The lack of money part sucks, though. I'm sure something will come along, just... get out there! 
 

Does she enjoy her situation in life? It certainly seems that way: "Drawing is really my whole life (I know, you probably can't tell graphically). It allows me to empty my mind (I needed to find a substitute to drugs!). What's missing from my life? Work! A job! I'm quite available for designing kittens for toilet paper for example." OK, so let's use this opportunity to send out an SOS: if anyone wants to hire Julie-Anne to draw kittens on toilet paper, or anything else on a different medium, she's available. 

So tell us Julie-Anne, where do you come from, where are you going? "Ermmmm, nothing amazing… I got a high school diploma, then I went to art school, but I didn't like it so I quit, I did a few odd jobs here and there, then I set myself up as a freelance illustrator (my life is a series of misfortunes)." Hey, the whole "my life is a series of misfortunes" is MY schtick, OK? Speaking of which, this morning I did something... No, I can't tell anyone what exactly happened, but it involves having to flee a scene due to an intense need to take a dump. TMI, I know. OK, I'll be quiet now. Let's talk about Julie-Anne's projects: "For a start, I'd really like to find a job in illustration, so that I can buy proper pasta, instead of store-brand rubbish. Then, I'd like to win the lottery so I can do nothing for the rest of my life. But to do that, I have to start by buying a ticket, I know." 

So, as you can see, she's a girl who's got ambition, a plan, she knows where she's going. Speaking of which, she's preparing something: "An exhibition (my first ever, wiiiiiiiiii) which should take place at the start of 2015. It'll be a big deal, something serious. Not pictures of me naked going apeshit while playing with my Gamecube (I'm an old-school geek, but I do have a PS3)." That's great, you'll just have to tell us where and when, because it's a bit vague for now.

When did she start drawing? "I've been drawing for too long to remember the actual thing that made me want to start, I fell into drawing when I was little. I remember that I read comics like the Smurfs and Thorgal (yes, complete opposites, I know) and that the first sentence I learned to read was "We're all going to diiiiie" from "Destination Moon", the Tintin book." And what about your inspirations? "My inspirations change from day to day, but like many bloggers, I adulate Boulet. I like Trondheim for his cynicism. Blacksad for his darkness. Calvin & Hobbes for the poetry, Don Rose for posterity. I have varied tastes, it all depends on my mood!" I can understand that, I feel the same way about music. Sometimes, I feel a bit melancholic, so I listen to some sad music, like The Cure, and other times, I want something happy and joyful, so I put a song on by... The Cure. What a band.

What about Julie-Anne's tastes, do you like The Cure? "Not long ago I saw a movie, but not in a movie theatre, called "God Bless America". Its humour was really edgy, I loved it. In music, I like Steeleye Span, an obscure band from the '60s-'70s. My boyfriend runs a record store, which helps me discover loads of new things. I recently read "Pardonne-moi" (Forgive me) by Jodi Picault, a really touching novel, but also very sad, so I'll avoid talking about it, it'll bum everyone out. As for TV shows, Black Mirror is chilling. And the latest comic book I like was "Fables Nautiques" (Nautical Fables) by Marine Blandin, a real gem!" I like the fact that Julie-Anne mentioned Black Mirror, it gives me an opportunity to mention once again Charlie Brooker, one of my favourite people ever, and a very funny guy

So, what about your own FML to finish off? "I'd saved some money to buy a new computer (mine was made in the year 1000 at least). A short while after having it, and after my best friend had gone to the trouble of getting rid of Windows 8 (let's not beat about the bush here, Windows 8 is shit), my boyfriend had the great idea of leaving the blinds on the window too low, which stopped one of my cats from getting to its bowl. So, for revenge, he pissed on the computer (the cat, not my boyfriend), who didn't take it well. But this isn't the cat's fault, it's my boyfriend's (what a daft idea to put the shutter down so low!)." So, cats don't like computers? I knew it, it goes nicely with my opening statement about cats ruling the world one day, this time by urinating on our computers. 

There, now, it's time to go off and enjoy our weekend.  Thanks Julie-Anne for your illustration. Next week it'll be the welcome return of someone who's already illustrated an FML. If she manages to get her arse into gear. Yes, she's a friend of mine, and I can talk to her in such a cavalier way because she sends me awful, insulting text messages. She's releasing a comic book soon, so she's coming back to tell us all about it. Maybe. We might have a fight between now and next week, and she won't ever get to publish anything on here ever again. So, I'll leave you with a song by a little known band called The Cure, with an apposite song called Pictures of You. See you next week, and as Bill and Ted said, be excellent to each other.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1473 - Illustrated FML - On 09/26/2014 at 4:44am by Alan - 7 comments

Korrig'Anne's illustrated FML

So, have you ordered it? Have you got it? No? Yes? Do you have any idea of what I'm talking about? OK, for the normal people, I'm talking about the new iPhone 6. Apparently, it came out today. I'm not advertising it, it's just that grown adults with actual mental faculties are queuing up for hours to get their hands on one of these things, even if they have a phone that works perfectly well. Why? I don't know. I shouldn't be too cynical. I was like that once. I bought a Smurf figurine. Then another. Then another. Then I had twelve of them. Then I wanted the Smurf house in the shape of a mushroom. It just never stops. Well, in my case it does, I was 10. This week's illustration is about the arrival of something you've been waiting for, but in this case it's a baby. The Apple cult members would probably put the iPhone on par with the baby, I'm not too sure. 

KORRIG'ANNE'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"My hero? My uncle's cousin's hairdressers' cousin's little brother is a great guy!" 

Self portrait Korrig'Anne by Anne

 


Korrig'Anne sounds weird to anyone living outside of France.  It sounds weird to a lot of people who live in France. It's a play on words on a demon type creature from Brittany where Anne is from (the Korrigan) and her name. Still sounds weird. 

Her info:
Age: 28 in a month
Location: Rennes, France
Blog : Korrig'Anne's blog
Her illustrated FML: The one with the dream about the baby


Anne is a mom, so maybe that's one of the reasons she chose this particular FML. Who knows? People who have kids, they've got it bad. It's supposed to be "the hardest job in the world", but thankfully, not everyone defines themselves through their progeny. So what else does Anne do besides raise kids? "After a first professional experience which lasted for 6 years and which wasn't very fulfilling (with a Tour Operator as part of reservations), life brought me towards drawing, and I started out on my own as a freelance artist this year." So, this is a brand-new career we have here. It's a good idea to come and spend some time on FML to show your work, a lot of famous people started out here. I won't name names. Oh, alright then. For example, David Duchovny and 50 Cent both started here. What does she think of her new life? "I love it! As my 4-year old daughter would say, "When I grow up, I want to do the same job as mommy, stay at home to colour". She gets it. My job is to do what I enjoy, what I like, when I like. If I'm not inspired, it's not a problem: I go for a walk, I do some cleaning, I have a nap and my inspiration will turn up later. When I put it like that, it sounds like I lounge around a lot, but I actually spend about 8 hours a day drawing (3 in the morning, 3 in the afternoon and 2 in the evening). I'm probably missing out on the "social" aspect of working in an office, but for now I'm not too bothered by it." I can fully understand this point of view. I spent 7-8 years working in an office, and now I can say that whenever I can work from home, it's the best thing ever!

What's Anne's latest news ? "Well, the second tome of the Anita Casse-Cou (Break-neck Anita) which is being written by Aurélie Desrumaux is going forward smoothly, and I'll be starting the illustrations next month. I'm currently working on a 2015 calendar with 11 other illustrators, but that's a surprise. You'll know more in October!" I wouldn't mind a free calendar actually. Yes, every week I try mentioning something to get free stuff, but it never works, I've never gotten anything from this blog, besides chlamydia. Only joking. And what about projects, what's in the pipeline? "Getting better at drawing, finding my style, knowing my software better so that my work seems more professional. Maybe release my own book one day?" 

What started her off in this line of work? "I took some time off work to have a second baby in 2012, and after that I decided to change direction, career-wise. I couldn't find what I initially enjoyed in the tourism business: art and heritage. Everything had become too much of a business. I started drawing as a form of therapy against a maternal burn-out that was starting to rear its head, I created my blog, I got my first orders and I was off." I know all about burn-outs. I've come close, but I've learnt to recognise the signs and my form of therapy is shouting, crying and rude hand gestures.

How about Anne's tastes? "The thing that I like the most recently is Caroline Simon's work. I love history, especially the renaissance era. I'm always up for Trivial Pursuit even if I lose all the time. I paint when I'm not drawing. I like taking time off in the countryside to listen to the frogs at night and the goats during the day. I'm really into TV shows, I watch a lot of them while drawing. I'm a huge fan of Game of Thrones, Rome, Spartacus, The Tudors, but also Veronica Mars and Desperate Housewives (older shows, but love watching them over and over again). I love Veronica Mars, and not just because of Kristen Bell. I swear! 

How about a personal FML to finish up? "Every time someone asks me this sort of question, I always think of the time I was about 15. I wanted to get changed at the beach, and being modest and shy, I try to find a quiet spot, between two big rocks. It's when I heard the laughs and remarks that I realised that I was giving the people on the walkway up above some sort of show. I think I still haven't gotten over it..."  

Right, that's enough for this week. Thank you Anne for your illustration and all the rest. Brittany, or Bretagne to give it its proper name, is cool, I've always thought so. I loved a girl in Brittany once. In fact, I think I loved her twice. Next week we'll be publishing a study about migrating yaks in Mongolia and... well, probably not. It'll be a surprise, like most weeks. Until then, don't forget to go out and buy a new iPhone, you know the illuminati want you to. Have a great week, a great weekend and be excellent to each other.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1472 - Illustrated FML - On 09/19/2014 at 8:52am by Alan - 8 comments


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