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FML's Single Person's Guide to Valentine's Day

Damn. It's back again. That time of year is slowly creeping up on us again, smelling of patchouli oil and cheap roses. It's all well and good being in a relationship - well, for some people it is - but it's not always like a Drew Barrymore movie, is it? But for single people, it's worse, especially if it's not by choice. A lot of single people will claim to be single by choice. "Yes", they'll say, "I don't have time for a partner or a relationship; I'm too busy with my job. If I'm not there to put glass eyeballs into those fluffy gibbons, who will?" Hmmm. We're not fooled. Most of us want to conform and find the one true love that years of watching The Love Boat and reading Danielle Steel novels has ingrained into our brain-boxes. It might be a fantasy, but so is my dream of having a 30-inch waist. Never going to happen.

(source : Buzzfeed)

To counter the sludge of Valentine's Day dross that we are subjected to, I've decided to trawl through the FML archives to come up with some sort of guide for the single person on how to avoid getting bogged down by all the depressing forced-jolliness that goes with the 14th of February. While the rest of the planet is out with their significant others, we'll be having our own singles parties, trying to get off with one another. OK?

So, where do we start? Well, the usual point where the wheels come off a well planned-out Valentine's Day is usually a point-blank rejection, before you've even started. So what sort of rejection would that be, then?

Today, we wrote Valentine's Day poems in class. I wrote a very depressing poem about how I was rejected by all the girls I like and how it hurt to be alone. When it was read to the class, they laughed and told me it was hilarious. Even the teacher. FML

This story encapsulates everything you need to know about the risks involved in asking someone out for Valentine's Day. Just don't do it. For a start, it's too much of a cliché, and you could get hurt worse than someone jumping into a volcano. It's that bad. So, if you're single, don't count on Valentine's Day to magically make you some sort of sex magnet. You're not, despite those trousers.

But why would you want to put yourself through all that anyway? How does the other half live? If you've never actually been in a relationship on Valentine's Day, what is it like?

Today, I was informed that my boyfriend's mother would be joining us on our Valentine's dinner. I'm not sure if this momma's boy thing is going to work out. FML

Hmmm, sounds like fun. Not sure that I'd enjoy that, even though I've had a few girlfriends whose parents were a lot more fun than they were.

Today, for Valentine's Day, my boyfriend gave me the half-eaten chocolate bar that I left in his fridge two weeks ago. FML 

Right, that's it! Sign me up for a relationship right now! I want one!

OK, these two FMLs are probably worst-case scenarios, but they do show that Valentine's Day is only worth putting up with if both partners are willing to make the required effort. This can be infuriating for single people, who have all at one point been in an unrequited love situation, more specifically been in love with someone who was already in a relationship, and thought, "Hang on, why isn't their partner going out of their way to give them EVERYTHANG?" Unfortunately, this sort of situation if left boiling over for too long can lead to the kind of mindset of the twit who believes in the existence of "The Friendzone" (hint: it doesn't exist; just because you're obsessively nice to someone doesn't mean you get to do sex to their body bits), and who'll spout inane rubbish like "girls only like guys who treat them like crap." No, they don't. They just don't like you specifically in "that way", so get over your teenage crush and find someone who does, dill-hole.

But what about being in a relationship? Why do people actually do it? Why do we, as single people, get all depressed about Valentine's Day? I mean, OK, things like love songs on the radio and TV shows constantly berate us for not being in a relationship, as if we were outcasts. But really, we're not. There's a lot at stake in a relationship, as this story seems to convey:

Today, while out for our romantic Valentine's dinner, my boyfriend of 2 years told me that he believes in women being subservient, and I'm not allowed to have opinions anymore. And that he's "the Alpha Dog" and I'm merely the "Beta Dog", so I have to "get used to it.” FML

Sadly, this is a growing trend. A lot of people believe in this alpha/beta stuff, and applying it to a loving relationship is just plain silly. Even weirder is getting bent out of shape about gender equality. Some guys feel oppressed by the ladies enjoying the same rights as they do. They think that their rights are being taken away, that the mean feminists hate them and want to cut their cojones off and take their Xbox away or something. But they're not losing any rights, they're just losing the privileges that they enjoyed free of charge up until now. Society is becoming fairer. Equality isn't a dirty word - it's great. But try telling them that; it's like trying to explain heavy metal to a wasp.

So be careful what you wish for, single people. Right now, you might very well want to have date set up for Valentine's Day. You might get invited - unfortunately by someone who you'd rather kick in the eye - or maybe even wind up on an actual date with someone you actually like. But would you want this for anyone?

Today, I received a single, hand-made Valentine's card from the weirdest kid in the school. It said, "If you ever get mauled by a bear, I hope he doesn't damage your face.” FML

Actually, I might like it if someone sent me that. But I'm odd in the head since I got whacked in the head with a golf club when I was 5 years old.

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed. I opened it up; it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

Not too sure about that one, though. Goat skins are hard to come by where I live.

A common theme amongst the Valentine's Day FMLs is the supposed loneliness of us single people. But that's got to stop. This sort of wank has to stop:

Today, I arranged to have some flowers delivered at work for Valentine's Day so that my colleagues will think someone likes me. FML 

We're better than that. Stop pretending. We deserve better. So, this Valentine's Day, let's all meet up somewhere and have a party. A big singles party. I can even host it in my hovel. And NO non-single people pretending to be single so they can get off with someone because they're bored at home. You made your bed, now lie in it. We're single, not sad. OK?  So, bring the booze, I'll make sure there's some plastic cups and something to eat, and maybe this year's Valentine's Day will be less of a snoozefest. Oh, and we'll avoid playing that annoyingly patronizing Beyoncé song as well, because being single and being unmarried are two different things. That stuff about having to put a ring on it? You don't need to put rings on people you love; you need to put love on people you love. 

Until next time, here's a great love song, and remember: be excellent to each other, and if you've got it, flaunt it.

#1432 - Ramblings - On 02/13/2014 at 8:30am by Alan - 53 comments

Kira's illustrated FML

Helloooooo darlings! Yes, I know, it's been ages since we welcomed a new amazingly-talented-artist together! One week? Well, okay, maybe not ages but it's certainly felt like it. Plus, today's artist is one of our current crushes, so we can't wait to introduce her (we even thought about publishing the article on friday, but you know, TFIF, party, beer, etc.). She's young, she's canadian, she has a unique and poetic artstyle and she draws Sherlock fan-art... basically she's the perfect woman. Anyway, there are other things to know about her, so let's start the interview!

-What are your name, surname and nickname?
-My name's Kira Buro, and the only thing I've ever had in the way of nicknames is "Kiwi", which dates back all the way to elementary school and my Neopets age... a little bit embarrassing. 

 

-How old are you?
-I'm 17!

 

-Where do you live?
-I'm from Alberta, Canada.

 

-What do you do?
-I'm currently a full-time student in highschool, but in the free time I can garner I do freelance artistry! Most of the money I make comes from commissioned work that I advertise through my tumblr. I'm thinking of starting a print shop or selling originals of my sketchbook pages but I'm not sure how to get that set up quite yet.

 

 

-What's your journey?
-What a question! Well ... I think I'm just starting to understand what it means to be an artist in a world of so many relentlessly talented people. After having attended the CSSSA Animation 2013 program, I realized that a community of artists is an amazing thing, full of creative energy and endlessly inspiring - and that's the kind of vibrancy I want to surround myself with and contribute to. Personally, I've overcome a lot of personal pitfalls and setbacks and I'm trying to learn that no matter how many mistakes you've made in the past, every day is a new opportunity to recreate yourself and improve. I think it's okay to be a completely different person from one day to the next - you don't owe anyone an explanation for trying to find out who you are. I don't know. It's all a big mess at the moment, but I'm doing my best to find my way through everything and come out on the other side knowing that I've grown. Some things just take time.

 

-What are your inspirations?
-I find inspiration everywhere I go - I try to turn the every-day into art. If I'd have to pick an all time favourite artist, it would have to be Gustav Klimt. 

 

-Do you read webcomics?
-No I don't, sorry!

 

 

-Tell us more about your presence on the web!
-I originally made a tumblr as a space for me to post the doodles and fanart that I'd do periodically- eventually, though, I got very tired of dedicating so much of my time and energy into art that I wasn't serious about, despite a small fanbase that had grown accustomed to it. I started posting my original works: paintings, both digital and traditional, and my sketchbook pages. These started getting far more recognition than I had ever expected and I've been posting solely original work ever since. It's a really great confidence booster knowing people like my original work as much or even more than they liked my fanart! What I'm doing in the way of selling my art hasn't gone beyond commissioned work - but, again, I'm working on setting up a print shop if there's enough interest.

 

-How do you work?
-For my traditional work, I typically just go straight to ballpoint pen. I find the finality and the dark quality of the ink poses more of a challenge and a richer end result than my pencil work - and it's taught me to try to make every line count. Occasionally, I dabble in watercolour paints and pencil crayon. My digital media is created primarily in Paint Tool SAI using a very beat-up 7-year-old tablet that I am hoping to replace! Methodically, I just work from one line to the next.

 

-Why did you choose this FML story?
-It reminded me of my own brother, a little bit, when we were kids.

 

-Thank you very much Kira for taking part!

 

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 


Kira's tumblr http://scrickiras.tumblr.com/

 

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#1434 - Illustrated FML - On 02/13/2014 at 1:37am by Alice - 7 comments

Leonard's Illustrated FML

Hi gang! Another week, another illustrator! Once again, we're going over to France to meet someone from VDM, our sister website, or should I say, the mothership! This week it's Leonard's turn.

Yes, I know what you're all thinking. No, it's not that guy from that awful TV show, it's a cool twenty-something French guy who lives in the wonderful city of Paris (I'm only saying that because I live in Paris too and it's such a cool place to live, it's like a Disneyland for boozehounds). 

So, welcome Leonard! Who is this guy, and what does he want from us? Nothing much, really. He doesn't work in a field that has anything to do with comics, unfortunately. Which means that, "What I lack is time. I wish that there were more that 24 hours in a day. 48 hours would be nice." He likes telling stories, though. "Knowing (a little) how to draw allows me to create my own stories and that's cool! I use my imagination, culture, desires and use all that to create a story and make it into something quite personal." He gets quite a kick out out the fact that he's made it all by himself, with his own two hands. And also the fact that sometimes people pay actual money for his drawings!

Newswise, what's cooking? Well, as his amateur status is still in place, he doesn't have much going at the moment. He has his blog, and he has a comic book called "Pirate2.0" which he posts once a week on his blog and on webcomics.fr. He has projects though, especially one which he intends to put in a lot of work for: a total overhaul of Pirate2.0, the plot, the drawing, characters... "There won't be a lot left in common with the first version!" he reckons. He then intends to present it to publishers. Fingers crossed.

Oh, one extra quality to Leonard: he owns a cat. Or he is owned by a cat. Or is he? The eternal conundrum. Or is it? Limmy has the answer to that question. "I used to prefer cats," says Leonard, "but ever since I've got one and he's pissed on my bed and clawed at my Calvin and Hobbes collection, I think I prefer dogs."

Hmmm. We can all empathize with that, even if you don't live with a cat.

Leonard is an ex-History student, so we can expect some historically accurate comics from him in the future. We can't wait. In the meantime, we present you with his illustrated FML, and what a corker it is:

 

To see Leonard's illustrated FML, click here.

 

That's it for this week! I know, short article but Leonard isn't much of a talker, he's a thinker, see? Instead, I'll leave with a song, an old clip of Charlie Brooker on "My Sweet 16", and a link to the best old-school troller on the Internet. See you next week!

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#1433 - Illustrated FML - On 02/06/2014 at 5:49am by FMyLife - 9 comments

The Best of the Worst #2

A few months back, we published an article containing a selection of rejected FMLs, which were all a bunch of odd submissions that probably never should’ve seen the light of day. Some contained terrible spelling, grammar and no actual stories. It was like reading the ramblings of a drunken horse, and most of them were without a doubt just plain weird. All were deemed funny enough to be revealed to the public, so we did. The article was so successful with you lot that we’ve decided to do it again. Yay! 

As we’d said at the time, looking through FMLs for something to publish is a bit like being a gold digger, sifting through the mud. Sometimes you get a gold nugget; sometimes you get a lump of shit. However, in some cases you get shit-shaped gold. Damn fine shit. This is that shit. Read on, but be warned, you might need shades.

 

Fad diets

yesterday, i was eating cats. i ate 3 then i ate 2, then i 1, and then i threw up. it was good. i had hairballs. yay me!

Needs more cowbell

On valentines day I got my girl friend a gift, it was a $899 ring, I looked all around school, and couldnt find her. I called her after school. She said she had moved. Her plane destin for new york had crashed and she was killed.

 

RIP, nutsack

Today, i died by cutting my balls off. FML

 

Goats head stew

Today, i found out that one of my good friends is OK with people drowning goats in vinegar in order to prep them to be eaten. This is not OK. FML

 

Horsing around

Today an asian kid decides to spit on me. So I decide to chase after him. He knows the area around better than I do and he quickly dodges out of the way. Right before a large male horse. I go face first into his rectum. Turns out the horse liked it and started ejaculating on my backpack FML

 

Lonely as a cloud

Today, I was looking out my window and i noticed a very dark cloud. I looked at and said that a big cloud. I leave the room come back and its the biggest cloud I’ve seen in a year, and the stupid thing is, i got scared of a cloud. I though it was gonna hurt me. FML

 

Robin Thicke writes an FML

So, it has been a while since I have had a proper lay. Tonight I was watching TV and just honey as fuck! So I started masturbating. Right as I was getting into it……. “adopt a starving third world kid” commercials come on. Man can’t I just get some real dick and not deal with this crap?

 

Captain Sensitive

Today I walked out to my car to get my generic vicodin. I took a look around at my old, small, home town. 20 minutes later I wrote a poem. FML

 

The ghost of horniness past

Today, a man in a powdered wig claiming to be the past life incarnation of myself propositioned me for sex. FML

 

The Emma Delusion

Hard to believe but im in a relationship with a famous actor. She is in actor for the Harry Potter Series! Well, unfortunatley she doesnt want to come out to the public about our relationship. I continuously tell her i LOVE HER. BUT she never replies with the same answer.FML FML FML FML FML FML

 

There. Will that do for now? Do your eyes and brainbox hurt like after a Mogwai concert? The good news is that as of now, once a month, we’re going to publish another selection of 10 oddball submissions from the recesses of the FML mailbag. Happy now? 

Oh, and another thing: these stories have all been carefully collected since the beginning of FML in 2009, so there’s no point trying to submit weird FMLs to try and get published in an upcoming article! Now that that's clear, see you next time. Now go outside and kick a ball or something.

 

 

Bonus not-really-hidden track:

 

One born every minute

Today, I will kill myself if my message doesn’t appear on Fmylife. If you click no, I will haunt your nightmares.

#1431 - About FMyLife - On 01/29/2014 at 6:15am by Alan - 112 comments

Mr.Deathbulge's illustrated FML

Hello everyone! How was your week? So-so? Cool? Great? Let's hope it was as amazing as today's artist. Last week we received Jeff Mumm, who inspired us with his unique journey; today, it's all about Dan Martin. His web comic Deathbulge is one of our favorites. Absurd, dark humor; simple art style, but oh-so-very expressive; we'd like to think he's a worthy successor of Cyanide & Happiness. Let's check his interview out, you'll see for yourself!

 

 

-What is your name, surname, as well as your nickname on the world wide web?
-My real name is Dan Martin. Though a lot of people don't know that and call me things like Mr. Deathbulge, which is FINE BY ME. I love it. I picked the name Deathbulge because the comic was originally a story about a death metal band, and I just wanted to think up a metal band name that made me giggle, and that was the only one that managed to. Check out Mr. Standards over here.

 

-How old are you?
-I am 25.

 

-Where do you live?
-I live in Surrey, UK. The town I live in is actually German for MURDERING. Which is pretty cool/foreshadowing.

 

-What do you do for a living?
-My job is the webcomics at the moment. I quit my little retail gig back in August 2013 to pursue the dream and make a living out of drawing comics. It's a tall order and I'm still a long ways off yet, but hopefully the merchandise I plan on selling in the near future will help. Failing that I'll most likely have to get a part-time job to help me out a bit.

 

 

-What's your journey?
-I don't really know! But as long as I'm pursuing creative urges, always challenging myself and making people laugh, it's all good. It would be great to branch out with Deathbulge at some point, break into animation or something. In fact I really REALLY want to make some sort of Deathbulge RPG game at some point. It's ambitious, but I'm determined to get one done before I snuff it.

 

-What are your inspirations?
-The readers mostly. Knowing that there's so many people checking out my comics. It's the greatest motivator ever to keep doing my thing no matter what. Especially when they take the time to send me mail or Facebook/Twitter messages saying how much they like the comics, ah man. I love that Deathbulge has gone down so well with people. I really do. I LOVE YOU ALL THERE I SAID IT.

 

-I think they love you back (including me) Do you read web comics? If so, which ones?
-
Before Deathbulge (or pre-bulge as I like to call it) it was all about Perry Bible Fellowship, Nedroid and Cyanide & Happiness. I pretty much read NOTHING outside of those three. But once I started making my own comics, before I knew it I was super involved with the community and there's all sorts of comics I check out on the regular. Mercworks, Up and Out and Whomp! to name a few, and maybe Pandyland if he updated more often >: (.

 

 

-What else can you tell us about Deathbulge?
-There's not much to say about the site other than that I update it with comics every Monday and Friday. Though I do like to throw in a few surprises to keep things fun, every once in a while you'll see an animated comic, or a comic with some dodgy experimental shading techniques. As for why I started webcomics, it's strange. Deathbulge just felt like something I had to do. I felt that I could make a decent webcomic series if I just went for it. So I did. But to actually reach the level of popularity that I have and in such a short space of time. Bloody fantastic.

 

-How do you work?
-I like to be prepared. I've never liked leaving things till the last minute. I'm always striving to work up a backlog of comics as much as possible, so the comics are done and ready to post days/weeks before they are due. Less stressful that way! It's especially handy for when I get an idea for a comic that is particularly lengthy, I have time on my side so I can afford to be super fussy with the details and get it done properly, rather than rush it and not do the joke justice.

 

-Why did you choose this FML story?
-It just sounded like the most fun to draw in terms of visuals. It painted quite the picture! I threw in a fish for good measure. Sega Bass Fishing representin'.

 

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 


Hell yes Deathbulge is here http://www.deathbulge.com/

 

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#1430 - Illustrated FML - On 01/24/2014 at 1:37am by Alice - 12 comments


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