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Illustrated FML (339) - About FMyLife (101) - Videos (34) - Ramblings (18) - Pictures (14) - Books (9) - Special guests (8) - Competitions (6)

FML's Survival Kit #6

Hi everyone ! It's Thursday so it's time again to show you stuff that we've liked over the past week. If you're into all the Black Friday/Cyber Monday rigmarole about fighting over a crap TV, that's your business. We're just suggesting that you stay at home and buy the stuff we've selected this week from the comfort of your own home. Here we go!

Our team is really into gadgets, games and weird objects. This column will allow you to find out what sort of things we like, what makes us giggle enough to buy, but will also give you some ideas for gifts, either for yourself or someone special. Check 'em out. 

 

It's art, OK?

"Next to my house I have a shed in which I get on with all my DIY projects. I also like to decorate with strange things. This week, I added this picture of a woman with an inhaler to my collection of strange but funny decorations. It's a great talking point if you run out of things to say to whoever you have locked in your shed."

 

 

Snail tea

"I love tea. Tea rules. Tea is my life. There's a sort of ritual behind having a cup of tea, which involves hot water, teabags, maybe a spoon or some milk. This week I got myself a pack of these useful little things, which are snails that you attach to your cup, so you can float your teabags with risking any sinking or the string falling into the water. And they're quite pretty, too. Get them for the tea enthusiast in your life."

 

Fart your way to success

"This is one I've used on the ladies. My conquests. My biatches. Girls love unicorns, they can't get enough of them. They also love candy. This product combines the both, so it's got maximum pulling potential if you give one to a girl you fancy. She'll be all over you like rash. Without actually giving you a rash, unless you're trying to seduce a crack whore. Oh, and kids love these too. Delicious."

 


Learning to care

"I'm a prerry irresponsible guy. I can't be trusted with anything! My girlfriend wanted to get a cat for our place, a real live cat. Naturally, I was petrified of having to care of it, so she got me in the mindset of taking care of something with this pet rock. It's funny, and makes me want to take care of a cat, so maybe soon I'll have progressed from a rock to a cat. Sounds like the beginning of a joke about evolution-denying creationists, but it's not. The packaging leads me to believe that it would be a great gag gift."

 

Grind the grass

"I definitely down to chill, most of the time. If there's a piece of wrapping paper stuck under the couch, I could be there for hours. But the relax, I need my catnip. It removes all the stress from my life. But this grinder makes things even easier. It works for all sorts of herbs and spices to increase their potency, so catnip becomes a real bag of fun!"

 

              Foxy mug

"I love coffee. I love puns. I love swearing at people. I love foxes. This mug was made for ME. So I bought it. It's sturdy, nicely designed and does the job it's supposed to. Consider buying one in tandem with the snail tea clips mentioned above if you're a tea drinker, because they would be perfect together!" 

 


It's back

"I love reading and sleeping, and I have a serious back injury that means that public transportation is a real nightmare for me. Especially cheap-arse airlines who squeeze the seats so close together for profit that I can't fit my 6ft2 carcass into. This handy gadget makes traveling an enjoyable experience, because you can actually sleep properly. I love it!" 


 

George Carlin is God

"I love t-shirts with a message. Emma likes one too because it's related to swearing. She's now, like me, a devotee  of the Patron Saint of Profanity, Saint George. George Carlin, obviously. It actually lists the 7 words you (couldn't at the time) say on television. These days you can hear them in most children's TV shows. How times have changed.

 

That's it for this week. Hope you enjoyed our selection, and maybe even bought a few things! See you soon.

#1630 - About FMyLife - On 11/24/2016 at 6:32am by Alan - 5 comments

The Best of the Worst #28

Hello everyone. Well, November is almost over, but it's the last Wednesday of the month, and we've decided that it'll be the day we release the monthly Best of the Worst of FML. Let's take a gander at this week's collection.  

For the people who have never seen this section of FML before: we get sent lots of FMLs, each day, all day. We only publish a few due to the fact that a lot are not very good, copies of old FMLs or just not funny. Amongst those, we also get sent very weird stories, if you can call them stories. That's what we post in this column. Here we go for November's selection.
 

#loveislove 

Today, I love myself. sometimes when I take showers I jump up and down! :-)


Daredevil

go ahead ask me how many painkillers i just took and how many more im about to take. i dare you


Hysterical

my funnys thing ever was went i was 2 year old i wore my dad’s shoes to nursery


My favourite dress

its 725 in the morin and my fuckin liddke couse wont get dress and im dum tired den i have this lady screaming here . Fml


Dog day afternoon

Today… infront of my whole classroom i accidently shouted “Oh my dog!” At that moment i got bitten by the spider that i got scared at and now im sitting im hospital. FML


Pebble Mill

Today I was whacking off in a sock. I felt something hard inside the sock but just whacked it harder. I will have surgery tomorrow for the small pebble in my penis hole. FML


Patrick Duffy strikes again

Today, woke up looked at my phone, saw noo messages, txted patrick ( ex bf) he hasnt respponded!! last nite was he was guna cut if i wldnt go bck wit him but he did me soo bogus idfk wat tah do!!!! he makin me wonder if he did somethin reli bad and is he still alive!!??

 

Some people will actually agree with this

Today, I found out my sister is gay/lesbian. As a scientists I can’t comprehend why a human could even want another that can’t procreate to, more often than not, better society. On a side note I feel cheated of a biological nephew or niece.


BBall boy

Effing Perverts!!! Those bastards keep passing comments while i play bball!?! WTF! No unity in my batch!?!! WTF is wrong with ppl!?! SELFISH EGOIST EFFING PPL! . I hate this new place , FML :|


Sexy Shrek

Today, I was drawing a “Sexy Shrek” because my friend dared me to. My little brother came in, and, upon seeing the drawing, got a massive erection. FML.


That's it for November. We'll probably be back next month, on the last Wednesday of the month, for some more weirdness because there's plenty more in our backlog. You can probably see some yourself while they are sent in by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these all have been collected from the website right from the very beginning, so don't bother trying to send in your own weird ramblings to try and get them published in here, it won't work. We can spot the phonies. Take care!
 

 

 

Bonus track: The dog decides, or you do.

 

Swear again

Today, FMLers, your call: my dog appears to prefer my daughters used maxi pads over mine. The dog is a bloodhound. I swear I am not making this up.

#1629 - About FMyLife - On 11/23/2016 at 5:38am by Alan - 10 comments

Another FML Photo to caption, quick!


Hello everyone! It's the beginning of the week, everyone's sad and lonely after breaking up with our significant others this weekend, so we thought we'd cheer you up with a picture to caption. We're in full procrastination mode too, so here's a fun little thing to do while you wait to go home. Enjoy!
 

How does this work?

We're giving you a picture to caption. Nothing containing famous people or anything familiar. It's up to you to tell the story behind it, using the "Today, (…) FML" template that we all know and love. Then, according to your votes, and a totally arbitrary choice on our part, we'll post the FML Photo in the category and credit the author of the caption.

The FML Photos are a colourful addition to FML. You can make them legendary. To do so, we're once again appealing to your creativity and sense of humour. Show us what you've got, if you've got it. There's no reason why you shouldn't be able to come up with a great caption to go with this photo.


Get on with it. Show us the photo already.

Here it is:


Feeling inspired?
If so, add your suggestions and captions in the comments below, in the best FML style you can think of. The funniest will be published in the FML Photos category, and the author will be showered in the glory of having their name mentioned alongside their creation. Ready? Go!

Subtle warning: Captions posted in response to top-voted captions, or in response to the captions in the first few positions will be disqualified/deleted/hissed at. Comment on the article, not the comments, so your votes actually count!

#1628 - Pictures - On 11/21/2016 at 9:24am by Alan - 81 comments

S-Kro's illustrated FML #35

Hi everyone! It's Friday, time for another illustrated FML. Yes, it's been a while, but we've been working on stuff that will soon all make sense. Anyway, as you may know, it's getting cold (in certain parts of the World it is) and Christmas baubles have started to appear, even though it's more than a month away. Yep, we're going to have to endure the family torture of presents, meals and all that jazz. Well, some of you will. I'm not, I've finally told everyone to piss off, and I'm going off to a hotter climate, solo, on my own. Just me, the beach and some books. This week's illustration is all about what could've happened to me if the illustrator hadn't warned me not to do it. That's enough blathering, here's the interview with the illustrator.

S-KRO'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"I really love finding ways to link science with FML, ha ha ha…"

Self-portrait S-Kro by S-Kro
 


This week, S-Kro is back amongst us for another great scientifically correct illustration. He has already been on here many, many times, so you could say he's part of the family. 

His info:

Age36
Location: The Internet
WebsiteHis blog and his Facebook page
His illustrated FML: The one with the jellyfish

 

Who are you?
If anyone asks, just tell them that you don't know.

What do you do?
Well, I'm answering your questions.

Where do you come from?
The south of France.

How old are you?
36! (Yes, I've grown a year older since my last illustration for FML)

What's your favourite self-penned illustration? 
I'd have to the one explaining Star Wars scientifically, just because it's the last one I posted. Speaking of which, if anyone knows Roland Lehoucq (the astrophysicist that I quote in the comic), I'd be glad if they'd show it to him. 

Who is your favourite illustrator?
Hmmmm, there's quite few, so it's going to be tough to mention everybody. I'd say that the first that come to mind are Maëster, Coyote, Gotlib, Eric Powell, Toriyama, Todd MacFarlane, Greg Capullo, Eric Herenguel, Fabcaro, Julien Solé, Mo CDM, Monsieur le Chien…
 
Your passion, besides illustrating?
I discovered that science could be exciting and fun thanks to Bill Bryson's books in 2014, and I decided, at my very humble level, to launch myself into popularizing things that I understood (meaning not a lot, actually). I also read a lot of books and scientific articles during my spare time. And comic books too, obviously. 

Your favourite place in the world?
I was going to say something vulgar…

What gets on your nerves?
Loads of things. The list would be too long.

What makes you happy?
Simple things: a child's smile, my friends' laughter, the smell of a forest, the roundness of a pair of breasts… 

Who is your hero?
In the extraordinary people sense, I'd say Nikola Tesla, Richard Feynman or Stephen Hawking, but he's crap at basketball. And to avoid being a misogynist, I'd add Marie Curie, due to two Nobel prizes and lives saved on the battlefields!

Your favourite word?
"Ornithorynque" (French for Platypus), because I know how to spell it, and because it's worth loads of points at Scrabble.

What's your favourite smell?
Freshly cut grass.

The job you wouldnt've liked to have done?
The person who has to eviscerate trout or a worker in a factory line, because I hate repetitive tasks. 

If you had to take a book, a record, a comic book or movie on a desert island, which one would it be?
For the record, it would be a compilation with bands like Motörhead, Slayer, Nirvana, Bowie (yes, that's not a band, I know), Queen, Metallica, classical music (I strongly recommend the 3rd movement of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, I'm not kidding, it's really good). For the book, "A short history of nearly everything" by Bill Bryson, don't miss it. 

What would you like to sell to us this week?
I don't have anything to sell, not this week anyway…

If God exists, what would you like him to ask you after you die? 
"Hey, so is this how I created the Universe... Oh shit, I just deleted my back-up!" 

That's it for this week, my friends. I'm ready to go on holiday and lounge around avoiding jellyfish. Next week, there might be another illustration. I don't know. But until next time here's Japan repairing a sinkhole in 7 days and a shit place for a hand dryer. Be excellent to each other, and see you soon. 

What about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated FML? Send us an email to [email protected] not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1627 - Illustrated FML - On 11/18/2016 at 6:17am by Alan - 2 comments

FML's Survival Kit #5

Hi everyone ! It's Thursday when we show you stuff that we've liked over the past week. Buying stuff makes us feel alive and less like failures, and we like things that allow us to avoid thinking too hard about the void in our lives. Anyway, here's the stuff that we liked this week! 

Our team is really into gadgets, games and weird objects. This column will allow you to find out what sort of things we like, what makes us giggle enough to buy, but will also give you some ideas for gifts, either for yourself or someone special. Check 'em out. 

 

Where have you been?
 

"I really love foreign countries, traveling abroad and discovering new cultures. I've been all over the world, so this map is great fun for keeping tabs on the countries I've been to by scratching them out. I almost used it for checking all the countries I'd had sex in, but it wouldn't have as much fun."

 

Wipe the pain away
 

"Everyone uses toilet paper. Well, unless you're from some distant tribe in the Amazon, or someone stuck in woods with only poison ivy nearby. And fun, printed toilet paper can be quite a giggle. I chose this one because of obvious reasons. And I can do to the paper what he'll be doing to the USA over the next four years."

 

 

My F(ML) life
 

"I've been ill recently so I've been stuck at home with my mom, who doesn't have a TV or the internet. So I went out and bought this book, which is hysterically funny, and reminds me of the last time I was at school, on my 13th birthday. I was terrible at school stuff, so this funny book brought back many strange memories."

 


 

I've used it 79 times today
 

"Ever feel annoyed, whether at work, or at home, but mainly at work, this is the fun gadget you should be getting. It's a button you can press whenever you feel like life is getting you down, or just to get someone to shut up. Carry it around with you, it can do all the talking for you!"

 


Catwoman returns
 

"My human tried to get my girlfriend to try these on, and she duly complied. It seems that humans get turned on by this sort of thing. All I see is a flesh-filled scratching post, which got me into trouble when I tried to test my theory out. Get them for that extra pussy sexiness. Or something like that."


 


Can't get rid of the smell of failure, though
 

"My place stinks. It's awful. I live over a vegan restaurant and the stench that emanates from that place is unbearable. Added to that, my current boyfriend is trying to keep warm by eating cheese fondues non-stop. So this stuff is perfect for making your bathroom smell nice, but not in a shitty "Pinecone hanging on a rear-view mirror" way. Get it if you want your bathroom, and home, to smell better than a dumpster.  

 


Hipster's paradise

 

"This selection is a bit more expensive than the rest but no too much. If you enjoy music and like the sound of crackling vinyl, or want to convert your mum's old Duran Duran records into mp3 files, this thing can do it. "


 

Cleanliness is nuts

"This is funny AND useful. What more could you want from life ? It's great when, like me you have to take the dirty subway to work every morning, and I can't do that without cupping my nuts, so when I get to the office I whip out my hand sanitizer and the day can begin. Also works as a gag gift, or a gift to someone who needs to get the message about their personal hygiene."

 

 

That's it for this week. Hope you enjoyed our selection, and maybe even bought a few things! See you soon.

#1626 - About FMyLife - On 11/17/2016 at 8:56am by Alan - 4 comments