Here at FMyLife, we always wanted to be journalists, but we suck at it, so these are the only questions we could come up with for the Jackass crew:
Who's your least favorite neighbor and why?
My next door neighbor. He never cleans up his yard, it looks like crap, and he's not very friendly.
What the longest you've gone without having a drink?
Hmmm, too drunk to remember.
My mum can't use a computer without panicking, any tips on how to teach her?
Tell her to head on over to jackassworld.com, the kids there will explain it all.
What's the hardest, heartbreak of testicular torsion?
I don't have any personal experience, but I'd think un-twisting your balls would be the worst part.
Do you Google yourself?
Not as much as you do.
Do you have any pets, and do you talk to them when no one's around?
I'll ignore you and talk to them when you are around.
What's your favorite Christmas memory?
My mom and dad made pot brownies while I went to church with my grandmother on Christmas Eve in 1977. The house smelled like brownies when I got home and I demanded one immediately. Who can deny a kid a brownie on Christmas Eve?
Do you still own a VHS machine?
Yes, I like to watch my VHS copy of Thrashin’. I hook it up to my video projector, project Thrashin’ on my wall, put on my demin jacket, and think how rad it would be to be a Dagger.
Is Facebook the first installment in the end of the world?
"F" that, jackassworld.com is most definitely the first installment. Just check out the community members you'll see what I mean.
Is Billy Idol a forgotten genius, and should be reintroduced as a positive role model?
Don't know if he's a genius, but more of a gnarly dude in tight leather pants. Hotness. His Generation X material should be reintroduced to the public.
Where does wind come from?
The shifting of cool and warm air masses and your mama's butt.
Do think that we're all going to be okay, or will a meteorite kill us all eventually?
We'll be just fine. And if you don't believe me, just take three of these on a full stomach once you begin feeling nervous and worried. Let me know when you run out and I'll get you more.
What song got stuck in your brain recently, despite all efforts to avoid such an occurrence?
The emergency broadcasting system tone is a bitch.
If Elton John dialed a wrong number and ended up calling you, what would you ask him?
What number did you dial?
Why do people listen to Nickelback?
To find out what hell sounds like.
Is happiness at the bottom of a glass?
I don’t know about a glass, but when I was a kid there used to be this soda pop company called Jolly Good. One of its key marketing points was that at the bottom of every can a printed joke could be found. Despite the tried-and-true nature of many of these jokes, I was still a pretty morose kid. So don’t go looking for happiness at the bottom of an aluminum can. If anything you’ll probably just get Alzheimer’s.
If we gave you 50 dollars, what would you spend it on?
Well, if I didn’t already get this crap for free, I would log onto the jackassworld.com online store where you can buy all sorts of hot shit merchandise with exclusive designs created by Johnny Knoxville and the other artistic a-holes on the jackassworld crew. You can customize everything from T-shirts to postage stamps (but not canoe paddles) and have shit like “Wolfie Noodles” and “Suck It” printed on them. America, what a country!
Are strippers overrated?
Human beings in general are overrated.
Are people who own iPhones cool or assholes?
Discounting the fact that most all of my friends are assholes and own iPhones, I would have to say they’re no better or worse than the people who express concern over such things in the first place.
Do you know the way to San José?
No, but you know how there are all those sites like www.guesshermuff.blogspot.com and www.isshefilthy.blogspot.com? Low-grade porn they may be, but I find there’s a certain amount of sociological relevance in the pictorial questions posed. First and foremost: Never judge a book by its cover, no matter how wholesome it may appear to be. That said, I’ve always wondered if Dionne Warwick gave “nosejobs” in addition to blowjobs. Damn those nostrils are fierce.
How soon is now?
Wait no more! The Disposable Skateboard Bible is out now and available from Gingko Press. It took me over two years to compile and produce, but it was well worth the amount of work that went into it and I’m more than happy with the end printed result. For further information: www.disposablethebook.com.
Who's your most popular hate figure?
When it comes to hated clowns, no one beats the KKK. Grand Wizards? How can they take themselves seriously? That sounds as silly as a bunch of middle-aged men sitting around and stressing over what players to pick for their Fantasy Football draft.
Do you have any irrational fears?
Yes. I cannot order anything off of a menu that has an obscenely cute or clever name. Denny’s is an absolute nightmare for me.
Do you have a current project that you'd like to talk about to the FML users to generate some publicity, make some money, and spend it all on margaritas?
Margaritas aren’t necessarily my cup of tea—I’ll take a top shelf vodka and cranberry, thanks—but yeah, here you go: The all-new jackassworld pranks application is available now! Download this Facebook compatible app for free at: http://www.jackassworld.com/pages/prank-application
What's the nicest compliment you could make about FMylife so that people will think we're really cool people?
Look, just because you’re scratching our back doesn’t mean we have to give you a courtesy reach around. Just be glad you didn’t name your site PMSLife. Period blood can be a real drag.