The Best of the Worst #20
Here we are in November! Winter is here, for most of us, it's dark, grey and depressing and if you're the kind of person who watches network news 24/7, you're probably going to need some cheering up. So, as it's almost time to start putting up the Christmas tree, or to complain about people who have put their Chistmas trees up too early, here's the welcome return of the monthly trawl through the FML postbag for more strange stuff to show you guys. Here's this month's selection.
For the people who have never seen this column before: we get sent heaps of FMLs, each day, every day. We only publish a few due to the fact that a lot are copies of previous FMLs, or are simply too crap. But we also get sent really weird stories, if you can call them stories, and that's what we post here. This is a collection of the best of the worst FMLs that people have sent in to us. Check this month's selection!
10:15 on a Saturday night
Today, I was hearing what sounded like water dripping from somewhere, turns out wasn’t even water my bottle of RC didn’t close all the way
Today, i realized the governments controlling hurricane sandy through wheather control HAARP (proven) & they authorized martial law. im in PA, worst state for all wheather conditions. im fucked. this is for elections & depopulation. may be dead in 24-48, 72-144 hours. & flat broke. just greeat. FML!
Johnny Johnny ouuuh
Today, my mom raped me and when she did me she said oh johnny and that’s my dads name.my name is jacoby when i said that she looked down at me and said your not johnny
Baby got back
Today, my friend had my phone I got it back on a porn site
Today I had sex with a clown. When i woke up, my penis was twisted into a giraffe. FML
Today,my boss scolded me bcz I tried 2 correct him. My boss is a diploma holder,Im a degree. FML
Today, I saw my manager and she is just hot as fuck. I literally want to fuck her at work
just casually sitting, a small foreign man appears from behind me. Instead of asking or talking, he screams. DO YOU WANT COCK TONIGHT? i think i got spinach or something fucked on my face. My boss has since proceeded to call me prawnstetiute.
I like to sing French nusery-rhymes. Le Pont D'Avignon is a favorite of mine. So, while I was singing – quite loudly – with my friend in the park, I somehow managed to mess up “et puis encore comme ca” and say “et puis encore circumcision.” The Rabbi sitting next to us heard me. FML.
Today, my penis felt really awkward. It kind of itched and stung a little, all at the same time. I went to the doctor and they told me I had three days to live so I ate my own penis. Then I found out the doctors were just making a joke so I killed myself by chomping on my testicles. FML.
That's it for this month. We'll be back in the new year, or around New year's for some more bizarre FMLs, because there's plenty more in our backlog. You can probably see some yourself by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these all have been collected from the website right from the very beginning, so don't bother trying to send in your own weird ramblings to try and get them published in here, it won't work. Take care!
Bonus track: Another important message, which we should all enjoy for it's positivity.
Peace, Love and Harmony
Today, I farted on a cat it was nice