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The Best of the Worst #9

Veteran's Day has now been and gone. We've done our bit. We've made peace with spelling mistakes, called a truce with grammar and the cold war with syntax is over. Yep, it's once again the time of month to check out the weirdest FMLs we've received over the past few years. Remember, this is exactly how they are submitted, we haven't changed a thing. Here we go. 

As we've explained each time, the people who sent these… things to us are all real human beings. There's no software, no robot, no donkey with a pencil writing these. We pick these out of the FML mailbag out of thousands to show what we have to put with while we are moderating the stories that eventually end up on the main page. It's sometimes funny, sometimes baffling. Read on. 
 

The Squid

Today, I finally realized who the squid was. My friends have made fun of a kid they call the squid for years, and not wanting to look stupid, I never asked who the squid was. I’m the squid. FML

Cut

I had my penis surgically removed. I am getting married next week. I am a virgin, and now I always will be.
 

Scream

Today, my parents sat on the pourch blasting “Play that Funky Music Whiteboy” and screaming things about gay sex…and my crush lives across the street.
 

Insomnia

Yesterday my sleep-deprived eyes saw Jason and the Argonauts’ ship in the ocean searching for the golden fleece. FML.
 

In a bubble

Today, i thought it was cool that i had procrastinated from doing my english project the previous day. I thought about it and then I realized how dumb it was that for my prorastinating, I was solving a rubix cube for 3 hours and masturbating with bubble wrap. FML. 
 

Live long and prosper

Today, I was debating the pros and cons of have sex with my Star Trek obssessed science teacher. FML
 

SUPER SEXY

Today, my Spanish teacher got her stuffed dead chicken tangled in my hair. FML
 

Bench mark

I got my penis stuck in a park bench.
 

Easy Rider

Today, my girlfriend told me she loves me. Explaining her love for me, she told me that last night she had a dream of me dressed up as a Russian vampire driving a motorcycle. FML
 

Technical issues

Today, I found out I’m going to have to see a chiropractor for the rest of my life because of my wanking technique during my bodies development. FML
 

That's it for now. We'll be back in December, with more of the same. If you enjoyed reading these, keep an eye for more of them by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website. FYI: these are all compiled from the website started out, so to all of you who've tried sending in weird FMLs to try and get on this page: Don't. Until next time, be excellent to each other and go for a jog.

 

 

Bonus not-really-hidden, track:

 

Public address

I HATE THE FUCKING WORLD YOU KAN ALL GO DIE YOU MASTURBATING FUCKFACES I HHHHHHAAAAAAAAATTTTTEEEEE YYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUU SSSSSUCK MY FUCKING VAGINA YUM YUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DNT YOU ALL HAVE SEX ON MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#1482 - About FMyLife - On 11/12/2014 at 5:41am by Alan - 93 comments

Top comments

  • Bubble wrap is practically a gift from the gods, so masturbating with it is probably glimpsing Heaven.

    We should send a box of it to the poor soul who got stuck with the park bench.

    #1 - On 11/12/2014 at 11:31am by Welshite

    See in context

  • how do you get your penis stuck in a bench....never mind

    #3 - On 11/12/2014 at 11:33am by tony1891

    See in context

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