What's going on? Something weird is going on. I can feel it in my bones. Can't you? People are acting weird, as if they're short-fused all of a sudden. There's definitely something afoot. Rumours abound that One Direction are at the tipping point where they're too old to be teen-idols and ticket sales are dwindling. The days are getting shorter. The time it takes me to down a pint of Belgian lager is even shorter than before. Everything is shrinking. It's like the whole world has been standing with its knob in a cold lake. And funnily enough, this week's illustrated FML is about short people, so let's check it out before I have to think about any more shortness-related stuff.
FREAKS'S ILLUSTRATED FML
"I have anatidaephobia. I'm terrorised by the idea that somewhere, one way or another, a duck is watching me."
Self portrait Freaks by Lola
This week, we're being joined by Freaks. Not actual freaks, unless you count that guy who keeps posting nasty comments but sends me weird PMs about wanting to show me his love pump. Freaks is also known as Lola. Not that it's got anything to do with the price of eggs but she's a female girl of the womanly kind, yet another one in this column-slash-blog, which is a good thing because it's pissed off all the machos and sexist twits. You can find Freaks pretty much everywhere: on Facebook, her blog, on deviantart, and probably down her local pub, but I don't know which one and I didn't ask.
What are her details then ?
Age : 17
Location : "Lost in Normandy, France, in between a cow and an apple tree."
Blog : The life of a blog punk
Her illustrated FML : The one about the short girl.
Blog Punk. I have to explain that one. In France, there's a certain category of people (that you'll probably find all over the world), the punk guys who hang around on the streets dressed like 1978 never ended and who always have 143 dogs with them. In France they're called "Punk à Chien", which means "Dog Punk". I myself am a Cat Punk, because I have two cats that I spend hours brushing while listening to Black Flag, and... There, I said too much already. Freaks shared her life with her rat called Cunnilingus ("it's not perverted, it's an homage to Mathias Malzieu!"), her cat Isis, her domesticated demon Skrät "who loves apple juice", and "my best friends, a mohawked bear and French-Canadian My Little Pony fan. And I love playpusses." Sounds like a nice home life, but I'm not really sure what a 'domesticated demon' is, and I'm not sure I really want to find out.
She spends most of her life drawing. "To tell you the truth, I've never really thought about it. I just feel the need to draw, that's the way it is, I have stories to tell. If people like what I do, great, otherwise, doesn't matter. And it allows me to mock people without getting caught, too." That's a bit how I see writing some of these articles. But I'm never nasty. Sometimes, someone will say, "What does it all mean, what you wrote?" In that sort of case, I do the head-tilt, smile, get up and go get a Prozac-flavoured sandwich. Or I bash my head against a car, depending on my intake of booze. Billy Idol used to sing, "Face to face and back to back, you see and feel my sex attack." That has nothing to with anything, but I needed a transition.
Lola, sorry, Freaks what do you need ? "Publishers to support my projects. A kneaded eraser. A better tablet. More time to doodle. And some talent, it can be useful." Oh come on, don't talk out yo' ass. Go check out her DeviantArt page to she if she's bluffing or if she's unaware of her talent.
Talent or not, what about your projects ? "I'm working on two comic books which should appear some time in 2015, at least as webcomics and maybe on paper as limited releases. Other than that, I'm praticing 2D animation, and continuing my blog and little strips." She does all this from home, "because I have everything I need, but I also like to settle down outside a café and doodle for a bit." That's what's so good about these sorts of jobs, the portability aspect.
My inspiration comes from buns of steel workout sessions and jokes found on popsicle sticks. And yourself? "Manu Larcenet, Alexis Koleszar and Maliki, to name a few. I like Mirion Malle a lot, even if I don't always like the drawings, the comics are always well-written and send an interesting message." A lot of illustrators seem to mention Manu Larcenet so I guess he needs checking out!
In the middle of the interview, she makes a startling revelation. "I ride ponies! For real, for six years now. And besides drawing, I loooove movies, even if I don't get much chance to go to movie theatres." I stopped listening after, "I ride ponies". Any other vices to declare? "As many people do, I procrastinate a lot... No, I will not mention the three litres of coffee that I chuck down my guts every day." Oh, don't worry about that, most of the world turns on coffee and coffee fumes.
Freaks is currently into stuff that is totally different to mine. "In comic books, I've fallen head over heels for 'Punk Rock Jesus' by Sean Murphy, a real gem. I also like the 'Blast' series by Manu Larcenet, which has just ended. As for the movies, I love the film 'Freaks' (which is where I get my moniker from!). And I LOVE 'The Boy with the Cuckoo-Clock Heart', whether it's the book, the CD or the movie." I'm curious about her selection, because I'd never heard of a few. My favourite things at the moment are... Nah, I've already talked too much about myself as it is.
To end the show, how about your own FML ? "Today, and as always, I'm short. My best friend, as usual, calls me a midget. I defend myself by saying, 'I'm not a midget, I'm a little person.' He replies, 'Tyrion Lannister is a little person. You're a midget.' FML" Hey, well done, it fits in nicely with this week's theme.
OK, that's it for this week. Thanks Freaks/Lola for taking part. I'm going to bail out pretty quickly this time, and leave you with a summery punk-era song by The Undertones, for all those people who are having shitty weather. See you next week for some more of the same but not exactly. Be excellent to each other.
What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to firstname.lastname@example.org but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.