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The Best of the Worst #6

Hai its FML hear, welcom to da show! Ass yall now, we post everay months FLMS... oh no, sorry. It's just that reading submissions can sometimes wear my reading and writing skills. I lose all notion of what actual grammar is. Isn't he the guy who used to star in Frasier and Boss? Anyway, enough about spelling, it's time once again to delve into the weirdest and frankly most distressing FML submissions we've had over the past few years. I'll stop talking for a little bit now. Here we go. 

As I've said in past article, anyone can submit an FML, but not everyone can do it properly. It takes a certain sense of... What do you call it? Oh yeah, sense. Common sense, brains, coherence. Something like that. This article is all about the FMLs that we've received that contain none of that whatsoever. Things that could've been sent in by your neighbour who eats his own hair while listening to mp3s of gunshots. That sort of thing. Anyway, I'll stop interrupting, and let you get straight down to the nitty-gritty. Here's this month's selection of FMLs: 

 

Replica

today i fucked a cat, turns out it wasnt a cat. it was my grandma. this isnt a lie fml

 

Child soldier

Today my mom called me a good for nothing son and a failure in life I’m 13 years old and I write Poetry in my spare time I’M A PRODOGY. FML

 

Power of persuasion

Ok so ya c dis bitch waz in mai w8 room class at skewl. and im liek all buff and shiznit. SO i was on a masheen and da bitch walked up and i sliped and punched da ho. MAI BAD

 

Sleep dealer

Yesterday, I got out of a felony speeding ticket doing 105 MPH on the freeway, but 20 minutes later at my grandma’s birthday, I reflexively jerked my hand away from a dog I was petting because it was too smooth and felt like a vagina, inducing flashbacks. FML

Up

Today i woke up and found my nipple was cut off and cut up into many pieces…i didnt know what to do so i got up and saw my boyfriend eating the rest of it.FML

 

Explain

Today, a repairman came to our house to fix our vacuum cleaner. He located the problem- the middle of the tube was blocked by high amounts of semen. For the past 4 months Ive been masturbating into it because it feels good and leaves no mess. Now my parents are sending me to therapy. FML

 

Andro

TODAY WHEN I WAS MASTURBAITING AND MY CAT SCRATCHED MY PENISE OFF..!! IT HURT SOO MUCH AND NOW I AM A TRANSBISEXUAL WOMAN…..

 

Submersible

as i ws wlkin in2 wrk i nticd sum1 had lockd ther dog in a car as i turnd 2 wlk into the building i c ths grl i usd to work w/ w/ hr bf so i go up to hr and say “dsnt tht piss u off? that prsn shld b shot!” they glare @ me n i cntinu to wlk insid, as i trn bac i notis thm gettin in2 th car w/ th dog

 

Pelham Island road

Today I went to Germanys air port and got felt up by a 60 year old man because the metal detector went off. I also recieved a 16 year coke and threw up within the next ten minutes. I later asked fora chocolate chip cookie. He gave me muffin so politely told him he was wrong, and he said no u are.FML

 

Stress waves

TODAY MY MOM BOUGHT ME AN ALL CAPS KEYBOARD. NOW I CAN’T TYPE IN LOWERCASE. FML

 

That's it for now. We'll be back next month, same place, same weirdoes. We hope you enjoyed reading these, we certainly enjoyed compiling them. FYI: these are all compiled from the beginning of the website, so to all you clever clogs who've tried sending in stuff aimed at this page: Don't. Until next time, be excellent to each other and stop farting in elevators.

 

 

Bonus not-really-hidden, probably made-up track:

 

Describing bodies

Today, at work, I was getting to know one of my co-workers who i hadnt really befriended in the 3 years I worked there. We decided we would just tell eachother one random fact each time we ran into each other for a while. I told him once my mom was dead. He told me he was a necrophiliac. FML

#1454 - About FMyLife - On 06/04/2014 at 5:33am by Alan - 118 comments

Top comments

"IM A PRODOGY". You obviously aren't.

#1 - On 06/04/2014 at 12:57pm by Rallred32

See in context

How come no one ever reads these anymore? They're quite funny.

#2 - On 06/04/2014 at 1:07pm by Rallred32

See in context

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