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The Best of the Worst #2

A few months back, we published an article containing a selection of rejected FMLs, which were all a bunch of odd submissions that probably never should’ve seen the light of day. Some contained terrible spelling, grammar and no actual stories. It was like reading the ramblings of a drunken horse, and most of them were without a doubt just plain weird. All were deemed funny enough to be revealed to the public, so we did. The article was so successful with you lot that we’ve decided to do it again. Yay! 

As we’d said at the time, looking through FMLs for something to publish is a bit like being a gold digger, sifting through the mud. Sometimes you get a gold nugget; sometimes you get a lump of shit. However, in some cases you get shit-shaped gold. Damn fine shit. This is that shit. Read on, but be warned, you might need shades.

 

Fad diets

yesterday, i was eating cats. i ate 3 then i ate 2, then i 1, and then i threw up. it was good. i had hairballs. yay me!

Needs more cowbell

On valentines day I got my girl friend a gift, it was a $899 ring, I looked all around school, and couldnt find her. I called her after school. She said she had moved. Her plane destin for new york had crashed and she was killed.

 

RIP, nutsack

Today, i died by cutting my balls off. FML

 

Goats head stew

Today, i found out that one of my good friends is OK with people drowning goats in vinegar in order to prep them to be eaten. This is not OK. FML

 

Horsing around

Today an asian kid decides to spit on me. So I decide to chase after him. He knows the area around better than I do and he quickly dodges out of the way. Right before a large male horse. I go face first into his rectum. Turns out the horse liked it and started ejaculating on my backpack FML

 

Lonely as a cloud

Today, I was looking out my window and i noticed a very dark cloud. I looked at and said that a big cloud. I leave the room come back and its the biggest cloud I’ve seen in a year, and the stupid thing is, i got scared of a cloud. I though it was gonna hurt me. FML

 

Robin Thicke writes an FML

So, it has been a while since I have had a proper lay. Tonight I was watching TV and just honey as fuck! So I started masturbating. Right as I was getting into it……. “adopt a starving third world kid” commercials come on. Man can’t I just get some real dick and not deal with this crap?

 

Captain Sensitive

Today I walked out to my car to get my generic vicodin. I took a look around at my old, small, home town. 20 minutes later I wrote a poem. FML

 

The ghost of horniness past

Today, a man in a powdered wig claiming to be the past life incarnation of myself propositioned me for sex. FML

 

The Emma Delusion

Hard to believe but im in a relationship with a famous actor. She is in actor for the Harry Potter Series! Well, unfortunatley she doesnt want to come out to the public about our relationship. I continuously tell her i LOVE HER. BUT she never replies with the same answer.FML FML FML FML FML FML

 

There. Will that do for now? Do your eyes and brainbox hurt like after a Mogwai concert? The good news is that as of now, once a month, we’re going to publish another selection of 10 oddball submissions from the recesses of the FML mailbag. Happy now? 

Oh, and another thing: these stories have all been carefully collected since the beginning of FML in 2009, so there’s no point trying to submit weird FMLs to try and get published in an upcoming article! Now that that's clear, see you next time. Now go outside and kick a ball or something.

 

 

Bonus not-really-hidden track:

 

One born every minute

Today, I will kill myself if my message doesn’t appear on Fmylife. If you click no, I will haunt your nightmares.

#1431 - About FMyLife - On 01/29/2014 at 6:15am by Alan - 112 comments

Top comments

Thank the gods none of mine ended up in here. You guys actually had me worried.

#1 - On 01/29/2014 at 10:53am by ManInTheMachine

See in context

I want whatever drugs they're taking.

#2 - On 01/29/2014 at 10:54am by Welshite

See in context

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