FML's Family Portraits
Inspiration for a blog article can come from all sorts of places. For instance, someone sent us a link to these pictures on Reddit:
We’re not sure if the person who took them was thinking of us, but we’d like to think that we’re the ONLY FML IN THE UNIVERSE. Yes, we invented FML. We created everything. Backrubs? We thought of that. Rhubarb crumble? That was us. You know that white stuff angry people get in the corners of their mouths? We invented that so we could giggle at them to make them even angrier. OK, so we didn’t invent the helicopter, but we could’ve, honest. We’re THAT smart (not counting the time we advised Miley Cyrus to twerk her bony ass at Robin Thicke in public. It was a JOKE, Miley, you weren’t supposed to actually do it.).
Anyway, back to the pictures. Whether we like it or not, we can’t choose our family. Well, you can on the Sims, which is probably what makes the game so popular. No longer does your Dad have to be the guy who stands in the front yard in nothing but graying boxer-shorts and sandals waiting for the postman to deliver his latest copy of 'Guns and Trucks Monthly'.
On FML, we could almost create a whole new category called 'Family' due to the amount of stories we receive about them, whether it's parents being heavy-handed, kids being pains in the buttocks or just the general malaise of family life in the 21st century.
Today, I somehow managed to trap myself in a mosquito net. My dad "rescued" me by calling the whole family in and making a big show of cutting me out of it with his hunting knife. I'm never going to hear the end of this shit. FML
Today, I found out that I'm the creepy uncle of the family. FML
Sounds bad, huh? Being eyed with suspicion by the people who are supposed to be the closest to you; I’ve felt like that a lot of the time, but then again I’m single, I don’t have kids, I don’t plan on changing any of that, and I like to party (albeit in a mild-manned, very English sort of way). In a lot of family reunions, beyond a certain age, that’s ground for immediate dismissal. You’re an outcast. It doesn't matter that cousin what’s-her-name is cheating on her husband with a guy from work who chews gravel, or that Uncle thingy has been married three times and his kids are morons who steal hubcaps from moving cars; not adhering to the ‘ideal’ of marriage and the ‘nuclear family’ is somehow worse than standing up at a family gathering and showing your swollen genitals, claiming that you caught something rubbing your knob against the neighbour’s dog. Not that I’ve ever done that. Or ever done this:
Today, I was chatting online with several relatives, discussing our family reunion. Bored out of my mind, I clicked to rename the conversation to "Boring shit with almost dead people." I didn't know it'd rename it for everyone. FML
What’s great about families is that they’re never embarrassing. Oh, the ‘never’ is ironic, for those who don’t ‘do’ irony. They’re not always embarrassing, but they can be a great source of shame, from the 'I was a fat ugly baby' pictures shown to a new girlfriend/boyfriend to this sort of thing:
Today, I brought my Japanese girlfriend home for dinner with my family for the first time. They all got drunk and made heaps of racist jokes right in front of us. My dad forgot her name and started calling her "Rice Ball" instead. FML
Today, I realized my family is the textbook definition of redneck after listening to my grandpa threaten to smash with an excavator the trailer that my uncle lives in behind our house if he didn't return the set of tires he had stolen and pawned from my grandpa's garage. FML
Families are also a great source of strife, hatred and tension, because most people can’t be bothered to get along. A lot of the hate is kept hidden, but if you dare to take a peek behind the curtain, you’ll soon see what people really think of each other and what is actually going on beneath the smiles and cucumber sandwiches:
Today, I was at a big family reunion at my aunt's place. Before dinner, I went outside in the garden for a smoke. Through the kitchen window, I saw my cousin spit in the soup. Twice. My aunt patted his back and continued stirring. FML
Today, my aunt and uncle stole $584 from me, since I'm moving out. Their reasoning? I stole things. When I asked what I'd stolen, my aunt looked me straight in the eye and said "Milk Duds." FML
And of course, your mum and dad. As Philip Larkin wrote in his famous poem ‘This be the verse’:
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
On FML, they do stuff like this:
Today, I held a party for my family so I could announce my pregnancy. In the middle of my speech, my mother stopped me, saying, "Nobody gives a rat's ass, where's the booze?" FML
Today, my estranged father, who is a cop, decided to show up to my 17th birthday party. He immediately began arresting people for underage drinking. Way to mend fences, dad. FML
We could go on; the list of grievances is endless. Here at FML, we’re all inclusive, all encompassing: no matter what creed or colour you are, we’re just a bunch of like-minded individuals, a huge collection of slightly annoyed people. You could call us your family, your big, dysfunctional, badly dressed, halitosis-infected, clumsy, misguided family. And we love you for it. See at the next reunion; bring some of your famous-for-being-awful potato salad.