FML's guide to first dates
Today, I was going on a first date with a girl I really like. We were going to see the new Harry Potter movie, and she told me she was getting all dressed up. It was only after I picked her up I realized she meant that she was dressing nicely. I was dressed as Harry Potter. FML
Ah, dates, the dating world, meeting new people, getting to know more about people you’ve already been on a few dates with, then hoping to get lucky or at least get to first, second or if you’re really lucky third base and then a ride home. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, and it’s getting worse by the minute. "All the good ones are already taken" people say. People can be idiots like that, with their tired old clichés, but sometimes they can be right. But then again, they can also forget the FML factor that afflicts some of us. You know the ones, the unlucky souls amongst us who can’t seem to get anything right.
Not all first dates tend to go as well as this one.
My worst first date started with one small mistake: just before leaving to meet her, I noticed that I’d missed a few whiskers while shaving, so I quickly dragged a dry razor across my cheeks, and rushed out of the front door. We met up in the rain, and made our way to the restaurant. Once inside, it became very clear that the place was hot and humid. I don’t do well in this sort of environment, and I start sweating profusely, partly from the heat and humidity, partly from nerves. Halfway through the stilted conversation, I left to go to the bathroom to freshen up and steady my nerves. Looking into the bathroom mirror, I realised that the impromptu shave had left two squarish red traces about an inch wide on each of my cheeks, making me look like a clown drawn by Picasso. I had two solutions, climb out of the bathroom window and flee into the rainy night, change my name and telephone number, or return into the dining room and pretend that I had “issues.” I did neither, and just plopped myself back at the table, admitting defeat and that I’d never see her naked.
FML has a collection of similar horror stories about first dates, but also dates in general that have gone wrong. But first dates are the most stressful; you’ve met that person at the office, at school, at the supermarket, at the STD clinic, or anywhere you’ve managed to socialize. You’ve set up a date in a bar or on a park bench, and then you have to wait until it actually happens. And wait. And think of things to say. And wonder what’s going to happen. And get paranoid that you might say or do something stupid. But so many factors have to be taken into consideration. For example, first impressions are important:
Today, I stepped outside to wait for a cute guy to arrive after arduously preparing for our first date. Just as he rounded the corner, I tripped over the last stair and landed headfirst into my mom's fresh pot of snapdragons. My mom uses compost and manure for her plants. FML
Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying to be polite, I held in a fart until an intense, loud action scene came on. As soon as I let go, the scene went silent and my fart was clearly heard to everyone in the movie theatre. My date went to the bathroom. She didn't come back. FML
It’s also important for the person you’re on a date with to behave themselves, but it seems it’s not always the case:
Today, I went on my first date in nearly a year. A few minutes into the meal, he called me "scrumptious" and made animal noises for the rest of it. FML
Today, I finally got the courage to go on a first date with this guy I had a crush on for months. It was such a big deal for me cause it was my first date ever. The first thing he says when we met was "I have to take a dump." I sat by myself for 10 minutes. FML
Today, I found out that some men think it's ok to clip their fingernails, at the table, in a restaurant, on a first date. FML
Sometimes, dates can be ruined by other people, especially family members:
Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really like. He brought up that there was a person staring at us from a nearby table. That person was my mom. FML
Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house to pick me up for our first date. As we were leaving, my father screams out "Do you still have diarrhea?" I don't have diarrhea. My dad thinks he's so funny. FML
Today, my crush of over a year came over for me to take her on our first date. Today was also the day my drunken parents decided to dance the chicken dance in our front yard, naked. FML
Of course, this shouldn’t deter us from trying again; first dates often turn into second dates, third dates, love, sex, commitment, IKEA furniture, lawns, kinky attire and much more. So, if something goes wrong, and you end up looking like a cubist clown in a sweaty restaurant, just kick back, enjoy the overpriced wine and play Boggle in your head. Maybe next time you’ll actually meet that special someone who doesn’t reach over to pull a hair from your head and use it to floss with, you’ll actually meet someone who makes you feel special, or just makes you feel yourself.
No, I don't mean fiddle with your knob in public, that’s a terrible idea for a first date. I should know.