April Fool's Headcase Special
Yes, that time of year is back. The 1st of April, with its good-humored japes and misleading statements aimed to confuse and trick people into believing absolutely anything. A couple of decades ago, BBC television in the UK transmitted a short documentary about “pasta trees”, in which we were shown spaghetti growing on trees, and people fell for it. These days, the tricks are more or less subtle. In France there’s a tradition of sticking fish on people, which let’s face it is a bit shit, and not that funny compared to slyly placing a piece of paper with “Kick me up the arse, I’m into that sort of thing” on someone’s back. People won’t always comply, but some will and merriment will be enjoyed all round. Aaah, April fool’s day, so good we should have it every year.
I’m not going to bore you with tricks you could get up to; we might get sued by people who are health and safety conscious (or just spoilsports who’d complain and try to sue anyone and anything if things aren’t up to their tight-assed expectations. Learn to roll with the punches, people). No, my aim for today is to go over some of the weirdly awkward submissions we have received over the years which have made many a moderator (both the in-house staff and the helpful people who use the auto-moderation system on the website) go “WTF?” Sometimes we wonder if these submitters are high, misguided or are just trying to wind us up. The tenuous link to April Fool’s day is that we are so baffled by these submissions is that when reading them we often wonder if we’ve time travelled to another dimension where every day is April Fool’s day.
Without further ado, here’s an example of what we received one day:
Today, i found OUT what shat meant. then i F my cat with my bedazzeled dildo. then i took a steamy piss in the kat box with my VaGINA. FML
See what I mean? It’s like someone threw a scrabble board against a wall and wrote down the result (which coincidentally is also how they wrote the last three seasons of Lost)
Sometimes we get submissions that are like little jokes, but they aren’t really jokes, fooling nobody:
Today, a monkey bit my weiner. Now it smells like a banana. FML
Thanks for that.
Other times we get submissions from totally disturbed people, stuff involving members of their own families and sexual encounters between them which are so odd that I don’t even want to consider posting them here. But we do get things like this:
Today, I had to get an abortion because I scewed my dog. It was a bitch. FML
Then there’s just the “stories” than make you want to face-palm in triplicate:
Today, I walked into my room to see my roommate staring intently at a snail. When she heard me, she jumped up, grabbed the snail, and shoved it into her pocket before rushing past me out of the door. She still hasn’t returned. It’s been 6 hours. I’m worried. FML
Today, while peeing, I noticed my pee smelt like mashed potatoes. I decided to drink it to see if it tasted like mashed potatoes. It didn’t. FML
I just asked my half-asleep mom if she knew which toothbrush was mine and she said no and I was like alright I’ll just brush with my hand and I started to brush with my hand and then I was thinking “WAIT WHAT IF THIS IS SOMEONE ELSE’S HAND” and I freaked out until I realized that wasn’t possible COOL.
Along the same lines we get totally absurd ones that make you lose IQ points just by reading them:
i managed to decapitate an ant by farting
Today my dick turned into a pretzel…FML.
Today, I stared at my turd long enough to realise it looked like a penguin. FML
Last night I got so drunk I fell off my dinosaur. He beat me home and ate my entire stash. Now I’ve got a T-rex in my room yaked out of his crayon….. FML.
Today, I was eating a pineapple when I realized it was really my hamster. Who has AIDS. FML
to day i found out that i have had a dildo inside my stomach since birth
jager bombs+ sauerkraut + applesauce + corn flakes= waking up with a super hairy back? Fml
We also get stories that sort of start off like actual plausible FMLs, but then veer off into uncharted territory at the end:
Today i was hit by a car, it was being driven by some drunk babies FML
Today, I was hugging my mother, and then bubbles came out of my foot. FML.
Today, I realized I like to smell of my own eye fluid. FML
Today, I learned that Scotland is responsible for smelly farts and dried boogers. FML
A lot of them are based around sexual proclivities that make you wonder how many freaks are out there. Not so much because they actually do these things, but because they even come up with these ideas in the first place:
Today, I got aroused by watching a phone charger go into the wall. FML
I was abducted by Aliens, they wouldn’t even give me the anal probe!
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when my penis fell off and my girlfriend’s vagine blew up. I now know I should’ve paid attention in Sex Ed. FML
Today, while on meth, I brutally ripped of my penis in an attempt to kill a fly. FML
Today, I was castrated by a forklift.FML
So there you have it. You now understand that for FML moderators, every day really is April Fool’s day. The weird and wonderful all flock to us to share their innermost thoughts and fantasies, and we have a hard time wondering why on earth they think that we’d ever publish their ramblings, or whether they’re actually trying to mess with our heads.
On another note, if these “FMLs” entertained you, don’t hesitate to join in the fun and click on our homepage’s “Moderate the FMLs” button; you never know, you might get to read some more of these wacky submissions. We’d certainly be grateful for the help separating the wheat from the chaff.
One last one before I go:
today my car keys were stolen, i found them in my brothers butthole…fml
You, my friend, have issues.
Feel free to use the comments section underneath this article to tell us your own insane April Fool's stories!
Enjoy yourselves, and be excellent to each other.