My shitty New Year's resolutions
Perusing the FMLs recently, I came across a few related to the New Year. Happy New Year my ass, check out this sad case:
Today, I changed my 2009 new year's resolution to lose my virginity to my 2010 new year's resolution. FML — stillavirgin
Poor guy, I wonder if in 2010 or 2011 he actually got it on with another human being besides his own hand. You see, January is finally over, which means we can finally go back outside without having to avoid all the idiots who keep banging on about their new year’s resolutions. These people make me want to fry my own fingers. What’s the point anyway? Once January is over, they forget all about them. Come February they slide back into their old obnoxious habits and throw the exercise bike and free-weights into the storage unit. Why should we have to wait for the first day of the year to make these sorts of commitments? I make these sorts of commitments everyday. Which doesn’t mean I actually stick to them. But in the spirit of the whole shebang, I’ll compile a list of my own, and try to stick to them. Here goes:
1) Stop hitting on girls on the Internet
Ok, I’ll admit it, sometimes I’m lonely. So I scour the chat rooms and comments sections of various websites, and I try to engage with girls by talking about things I have absolutely no interest in to score points with these people. It never works, except that one that one time with the girl who actually thought I was The Situation from Jersey Shore. I should cut it out, now. It’s getting ridiculous, and besides, those pictures taken in bathroom mirrors they all have are so annoying, it’s like scraping my eyeballs with a stick.
2) Stop trying to try to save the planet
I used to believe that we could all live in harmony, in beautiful fields, on beautiful beaches. Then I actually talked to actual human beings, and watched them build all sorts of contraptions that spew crap into the air, the sea and my eyes. Ever since, I couldn’t care less about the environment. We’re all part of a failing species, living on a lonely, dying rock in the middle of space. We’re going to die out soon or later (sooner would be better). So instead, I’ve thrown rocks at eco-friendly dune buggies. I’ve openly mocked hippies for talking to trees. But I guess I could do more to not save the planet. Punch a dolphin, burn tires, convert my car to nuclear fuel. I’ll think of something.
3) Stop teaching my friends’ and family’s kids bad language and pranks
I’ve had many complaints from my friends and my brother’s miserable wife about minding my language around their kids. I can’t help it, children bring out the worst in me, and they make me want to wreak havoc in their brains. So I spread some evil. I teach them to put saran wrap over the toilet. I teach them rude words, and how to say them without getting caught. I have to stop doing it, because they’re at an age now where they’ve forgotten our friendship, they’re being rude to me, all because they now see me as an authority figure. Little shits.
4) Stop drinking so much booze
(Although, like sticking a firecracker in your underpants, it's not very clever and is dangerous for your health. Even though it can be fun waking up in a ditch in an unknown location. With your nuts in tatters.)
5) Stop correcting people’s grammatical and spelling mistakes
People are idiots. We all went to the same schools, had the same textbooks, pencils and teachers. So why can’t most people spell or conjugate? It’s not that hard to know where to stick an apostrophe. People who misuse it need a huge apostrophe shoved up their collective poo-pipes. As for your/you’re and there/their/they’re, it’s enough to make me want to hide under the couch and cry. But, in the spirit of not being such a pain in ass, I’ve decided to let it slide, be more flexible, let idiots and morons run the world. The thing is, most of us make up our own rules as we go along. One day, I made up the rule which dictates that I can't wear the same underpants more than three days in a row. So sometimes, when I’m drunk, I want to let people write whatever they want, as long as people can understand what each other are saying. And then I sober up, and fear the day will come when a President will mess up an age-old saying like “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”
I do however hope that you’ll be part of the 3% of people (I pulled this figure out of thin air, based on no scientific research whatsoever) who manage to actually stick to what you decided to do, make the world a better place and stop annoying me. I’ll probably never accomplish any of mine; I never do anything besides sit at my desk in my underwear and moan about stuff. I’m even surprised I’m writing this right now, and I’m almost disappointed in you for reading it. Now clear off before I call the taste-police on you.