Submit your FML story

  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
  • - CAUTION: Read your message over. Please don't use text language and avoid making too many spelling mistakes.
  • - Please note that spam and nonsensical stories will result in you being blocked from accessing FML.
Your nick:
Categories :
Man or woman?

FML, the follow-up

Spicy details and delicious explanations are on this section’s menu, which contains hundreds of stories commented on by their original posters. The people who share their mishaps return to bring you some clarifications. They tell us all about their FML, and it’s a real pleasure.

Today, I was talking with this cute guy. I mentioned the fact that I'm single. His response, "It'd be awkward, but we can still fuck." FML

#1650776
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56506) - you deserved it (7398)

On 05/05/2009 at 12:41am - intimacy - by penisface69 (man) - United States (California)

penisface69's comment about their FML

he said it would be awkward if we went out cause hes a freshman and im a junior. and it wasnt spontaneous. i told him i was bored and he told me to go masturbate and i told him im sick of masturbating and he was like what? how is taht even possible? and i was like well ive been doing it for half a decade. it gets old. i need a boyfriend.

See all the comments including 2 other original poster's reactions

Today, my parents met my girlfriend for the first time and cooked us dinner. After, I was helping clean up in the kitchen and my dad says to me, "Don't worry, you have to slay a couple of dragons before you get to the princess." and winks at me. She heard. I was going to propose to her tonight. FML

#1579483
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53746) - you deserved it (3000)

On 05/03/2009 at 12:12am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (British Columbia)

dragonslayer's comment about their FML

We met in Europe, and I currently live in England and my parents live in the States, so that's why they haven't met her yet. I still proposed, and she said yes. And yes, my dad was calling her ugly.

See all the comments

Today, I paid 11 dollars to see the new Wolverine movie. I arrived an hour early and waited patiently for the movie to start. 3 minutes before it began, a drunk guy stumbled in and took the last empty seat in the theater... next to me. He talked to me the whole movie. FML

#1518311
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47569) - you deserved it (6298)

On 05/01/2009 at 5:46am - misc - by 21yearoldvirgin (woman) - United States (California)

21yearoldvirgin's comment about their FML

Just to clarify/answer all the questions, I did go with friends, I was on the end of the line of friends. And I was one of the last to show up, people got there 2 hours early. And I do live in CA. Movies are expensive. Like others said though, I don't think it ruined my life, it was just an unlucky occurrence. And yes he did smell lol. And not that it matters, but I'm a girl. And a wimp. ;)

See all the comments

Today, at 4 AM, I locked myself out of my apartment. After calling friends in vain, I decided to just sit on the doorstep and wait for someone to come in. I sat for 10 minutes before a homeless man insisted threateningly that I move. I was kicked off my own front doorstep by a homeless man. FML

#1450891
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44792) - you deserved it (5260)

On 04/29/2009 at 8:38am - misc - by voltumna (woman) - United States (Maine)

voltumna's comment about their FML

As the OP, a few extra points:
I'm female, he was about a foot taller than me, I'd come home from an 8 hour shift, and I called the cops once I'd moved down the street to a safe distance. If there had been people around, I'd have stood up to him, but I didn't want to add mugging to an already shitty day. But, at #29, I'll totally try that next time!

See all the comments

Today, at work I grabbed some customer keys off the board. I was checking out their cool flashlight keychain. At the exact moment I realized it wasn't a keychain, I pepper sprayed myself directly in the right eye. FML

#1415405
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12261) - you deserved it (58834)

On 04/28/2009 at 3:47am - work - by jdubious (man) - United States

jdubious's comment about their FML

OK, here is the story.

I work as an auto service tech at a dealership. We have a big board of keys for the customer cars. It is set up this way because the techs, advisers, valets and wash guys all need quick access to the keys. I was pulling this customers car into the shop for repairs.

Every pepper spray I have ever seen(before yesterday) has come in an upright cylinder. They spray at a right angle and are equipped with a snap down style trigger safety at the top. They often come in a leather holster. There is no mistaking what these are.

This particular pepper spray was in a small torpedo shaped, red case. The case was colored but it was clear as well. I could just make out the cylinder through the plastic. I mistook the cylinder as a AA battery which supported my flashlight theory. The trigger was a spring loaded, slide-forward type and it was located on the side of the case. The trigger didn't have an active safety and it resembled a switch. Also, this device discharged straight out the end. Check out the website I've included
(down at the bottom) to see the real thing. Look at the refills as well and you can see the bottom does in fact look like a battery.

First, I pointed the device away from me and pushed down on the button and nothing happened. Then I noticed that the lever slid forward, again nothing happened. I was starting to wonder what the hell kind of flashlight this was. With the lever still slid forward it I looked into the end(to see if it even had a bulb in it) and it discharged into my eye. In order to discharge you had to slide forward then push down. This is their so called "automatic safety".

The pain was pretty intense! My coworker guided to the water hose where I flushed my eyes and face for about 20 minutes. As long as I had cool water on my face the pain was manageable. As soon as I took the water away it did in fact feel as if my face was on fire. After I felt slightly better, my right eye was all bloodshot and face was all red. One coworker said it looked like I got hit with a softball. Within 45 minutes there was no pain at all and my face had pretty much returned to normal.

THE GOOD:

I only took a short .25 second burst

I sprayed myself in the face and spared my coworkers

There was a water hose nearby

THE BAD:

I took a .25 second burst of pepper spray!

It hit me right in the eye

It burned like a bastard

THE UGLY:

My face just after the whole ordeal


#3 Yep, that's me

#4 I like gadgets

#6 I would post to youtube myself if I had the footage

#10 THANK YOU!

#13 I truly feel your pain

#14 see #13

#19 Sure did, and to top it all off it is called "The Spitfire"

#24 THANK YOU! I guess the rest of you a-holes would pepper spray the key cutting guy for looking at your Welcome to Las Vegas keychain

#31 A guy who totally gets the point of this story

#39 THANK YOU!

#48 A very accurate description

#49 I understand your thinking but this did happen just yesterday, and I'm the jackass who did it

#50 A very valid point

See all the comments

Today, while working at Wendy's my boss approached me and told me the District Manager wanted to talk to me. I had been given a substantial raise the day before so I thought he was going to promote me to manager. Wrong, he told me I was being fired for eating a 99 cent cheeseburger. FML

#1411482
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42025) - you deserved it (14227)

On 04/28/2009 at 12:38am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (South Dakota)

pokandy's comment about their FML

Clear some things up. I had been working there for 4 1/2 years. Everyone at the store eats on the job and I was the only one to get fired. Never had any disiplinary problems before. The Store owners 14 year old son saw me eat the burger while working and told his dad who in turn told the DM. My regular manager didnt even know about it and was as blindsided as me. I offered to pay for the burger even double or triple for it but my DM could not see it any other way and canned my ass. O well. FML

See all the comments

Today, I ran into a girl I used to go to school with. We went out for dinner to catch up, and we ended up at my house, watching movies and cuddling. This fantastic and spontaneous date was concluded with several kisses. I dropped her off at her car and drove off. I forgot to get her number. FML

#1383955
185 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25988) - you deserved it (56919)

On 04/27/2009 at 3:21am - love - by PIRATE_ (man) - United States (Georgia)

PIRATE_'s comment about their FML

Okay, okay, okay. Guys. Let me explain.

I dropped her off at her car, which was left where we bumped into each other. At the convenience store. I don't know where she lives, yet. When she came to my house, it was dark. She might not have remembered how to get there.

She found me again via Facebook anyway. So really the Facebook comments are now completely useless. I had forgotten her last name [It'd been like 3 years.], and I never bought a yearbook from my HS since I felt they were overpriced and poorly done.

Not to mention, now that she's added me, she wasn't even in the network I would have guessed, since she apparently went to some school in AZ for a few months, and is now switching schools.

And, also, I'm moving to FLORIDA [I'm currently in KY], and trying to convince her to at least do an internship at my place of work. I took her out to breakfast one morning before she went to work this week and we're planning on a third date sometime before this week's over. Obviously, we're trying to pack all of this in before I leave. But regardless, it still sucks that we hadn't bumped into each other sooner.

That should pretty much explain any question that has been asked or any point that has been made.

See all the comments including 2 other original poster's reactions

Today, I was on top of my boyfriend having sex and I was looking away doing my thing. When I looked back, my boyfriend had headphones on and was playing air drums. FML

#1192278
224 comments

I agree, your life sucks (64003) - you deserved it (12628)

On 04/21/2009 at 1:37pm - intimacy - by BerryRockstar (woman) - United States (Tennessee)

BerryRockstar's comment about their FML

AAAHH I can't believe I posted this on here and now i have to EXPLAIN myself to you people.

Well there's the thing.
1) This was totally not a "Today" but a totally "Last November"
2) He was wearing headphones when we got into it, so why should i help him any
3) This was the FIRST time we'd done it, so HE was the bad lay
4) We're not dating anymore (I broke up with him)
5) FML anyway for wasting so much time with him

I know i cheated on the "today" thing, but who hasn't. It just says that they all relatively START with "today" and END with FML.

I hope this answers a couple of questions.

See all the comments including 2 other original poster's reactions

Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML

#1135948
253 comments

I agree, your life sucks (123448) - you deserved it (14202)

On 04/19/2009 at 10:09pm - health - by Litterbox (woman) - United States (Texas)

Litterbox's comment about their FML

Wow O_o I can't believe how much of a response this thing is getting(first post ever...)

But for clarification:(Skip if you want...Blah)
a) Since my mother was willing to beat me with a metal end of a broom for claiming Hitler and the events of the holocaust were wrong and has a machete at the ready underneath her bed, the threat was/is to be taken seriously, wouldn't you think...
(Is she still hilarious?)

b) Kill me, sure, but THE KID???

c)I would've loved for my mother to have been concerned/open enough with me to have an actual conversation about sex...

Blegh -_-

See all the comments

Today, I went for a jog. I had stopped at an intersection to let a car go by. The car stopped and the driver waved me on, so I started jogging again. After a few steps, I feel a sharp pain in my side, then wake up in the hospital. The driver 'accidentally' hit the gas. FML

#987396
175 comments

I agree, your life sucks (110518) - you deserved it (4664)

On 04/15/2009 at 10:10am - misc - by I_Hate_Cars - United States (South Carolina)

I_Hate_Cars's comment about their FML

To all, thanks for your concern. Don't worry, I'm fine, it was just a bad concussion when I hit the ground that knocked me out. I hope I don't disappoint anybody, but I am not going to sue. A few years in jail ought to be enough for the driver- it was a drunk. Luckily, there was a black and white across the street and got the driver in time. Again, thank you all for your concerns.

See all the comments including another original poster's reaction

Today, my friend drove me me to catch the 8 pm train. Running late, we screeched into the parking lot at 7:57, stopped the car in a 'no stop' zone. I said goodbye to my friend, sprinted to my train and barely made it. Then, with the train in motion, I noticed my friend's car keys in my hand. FML

#983205
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42983) - you deserved it (16185)

On 04/15/2009 at 1:14am - misc - by Lo (woman) - United States (California)

Lohbj's comment about their FML

ATTENTION: I AM THE ONE WHO POSTED THIS FML

1. I think it's hilarious how many of you think it is fake.

2. If you've ever posted on FML before, you'll know you can only put 300 characters which means details are left out.

3. We were running so late that my friend ran inside to scan my ticket (I bought online so I had to get the actual ticket from the counter) while I got all my bags from the car. I grabbed the keys out of the car because I met her in the lobby to exchange keys for tickets (I didn't want her car to sit there running in the middle of the street.) We were so flustered about catching the train , I snatched the ticket and took off running for the train. We didn't even realize we didn't switch back the keys.

FML

See all the comments

Today, I took the bus home. A bum sat next to me. Reeking with alcohol and sweat, he pulls out a pair of nail clippers and clips his grimy finger nails. With every clip, the nails would fly up and hit me. As I was about to ask him to stop, a nail flies into my mouth. I swallowed it. FML

#978628
137 comments

I agree, your life sucks (113259) - you deserved it (10177)

On 04/14/2009 at 8:19pm - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Florida)

acutedisaster's comment about their FML

I am the author of this post, and no, I could not move to a different seat. The bus was packed like a can of sardines. My seat was actually the only seat open. Lol. I wanted to be nice, so I let him sit next to me. When he was clipping his nails, yes, they were flying EVERYWHERE. I didn't mean to swallow the nail, by the way. It was accidental. Completely. Lol. I can only fit so much in that little submit box. I couldn't explain the entire story.

:)

Now you all know. Trust me, if I had the opportunity to move, I would've. . . .

See all the comments

Today, I stumbled upon my boyfriend's Facebook. His second Facebook. On which I also stumbled upon his second girlfriend. FML

#971571
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (82300) - you deserved it (4121)

On 04/14/2009 at 2:41pm - misc - by Moisdone - United States (Florida)

mdoodo12's comment about their FML

As OP I'd like to say a few things:

-yes, there were pictures. very. very. clear cut. disturbing pictures. as well as equally disturbing comments and wall posts.
-creating a second Facebook account, people, is as easy as creating a separate email address and using that for registration of a new account.
-i was not stalking. we all have random bored moments where we start plugging in random names to see if it will come up. his friend's name came up. one of her friends was my boyfriend. hence the click on his profile. hence....all the rest that followed.
-bizarrely, i did find it amusing. way way deep down. way way after i was finished gagging at work when i found it.
-and to all: deception only creates more problems. whether with other people or with yourself, you'll fuck yourself over at the very least and barest minimum, psychologically.

peace to all.

See all the comments including another original poster's reaction



FML's blog

  • Zoé's Illustrated FML
  • Hey there, young whippersnappers. Yes, you, the youth. I’m talking to you, sitting at home, scratching your asses. Why aren’t you doing something more constructive with your lives? Stop watching that shit…

Friday 18 April 2014

The whole blog

FMyLife, world tour

Available on: