World Beard Day: To Shave or Not to Shave, that is the Question. Here are 15 Cheeky FMLs about Beards!
IT’S NOT DIRTY!
They say in certain websites and magazines that beards are as dirty as abandoned truck stop toilet seats. That’s a load of baloney. As long as a body part is washed frequently, it’s clean. Public hair, armpit hair, your mom’s toe hair, is that all dirty too?
Let’s get to the point, shall we? Let me leave you with these 15 FMLs:
1. Nothing like kissing a pube-y beard.
2. Facial profiling
Today, while I was doing my job as a groundskeeper, a couple of kids wearing MAGA hats threw garbage and rocks at me, then told me to "go back where you came from". I'm American, but I guess my beard makes me look like an immigrant or something, as this isn't the first time this has happened. FML
3. I think this beard is actually a moustache. Otherwise this is the most horrifyingly long nose hair imaginable.
Today, the first thing I noticed about my blind date was the clump of nose hairs sticking out and mingling with his beard. In an effort to not stare, I periodically glanced away. After a while, he asked which guy I was into at the table next to us, because I was spending so much time looking in that direction. FML
4. A walking before and after photo.
Today, my electric razor broke down during shaving. So now I have a face which is shaved on the right hand side and has a beard on the left. I don't own blades, so I'll have to go to work looking like this. FML
5. Beard flambé.
6. A sign you should stop smoking.
7. Sounds like you shaved yourself from a bad relationship.
Today, I finally told my boyfriend I have a medical condition that makes me grow an unusual amount of hair on my face, so I shave every day. He said he was leaving me because he refuses to be with a "bearded lady". FML
8. Dude looks like a lady.
Today, I was talking to a friend and bemoaning the fact that my new coworkers keep mixing up my gender. She looked at me critically and said, "Yeah, until you can grow a decent beard, people are going to keep thinking you're an intern or a butch lesbian." FML
9. Ladies and gentlemen, she has a type.
10. It's me, boy!
11. Now there's a man who has honed his beard powers.
Today, it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus beard" and gone out asking for donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ. I've been trying and failing to get a job for 2 years, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots. FML
12. The most hipster family puts "deconstructed beards" in jars.
13. A buggy beard.
Today, I got dragged to dinner with my grandparents. It was awful from the start, but things took a turn for the worse when my grandpa went to give me a kiss on the cheek as we left. I could clearly see lice crawling around in his beard, and I couldn't stop it from touching my face. FML
14. Easier than saying it to your face.
Today, my girlfriend discovered subliminal messaging. She thought that whispering "you want to shave your beard" under her breath while I'm not looking at her, then denying ever saying it, would eventually make me shave my alleged upper-lip hair FML
15. Everyone knows the key to his secret Santa powers is his beard!
Today, I brought my 6-year-old to the mall to sit on Santa's lap. She told him what she wanted and smiled for the picture. When the lady told her that her turn was over, she began throwing a fit, pulling off Santa's beard in the process. This caused all the kids in line to begin sobbing. FML
They say that people with beards have something to hide…and when I say “people,” I mean my mom.
In my case, I’m just hiding my double chin. It’s nice because it gives the impression that I might have a square jaw. Or a neck. Beards are like leg warmers or Birkenstocks. One day they’re in fashion, the next day they’re not, and so it continues in an infinite spiral of time lest the sun implode and the universe cease to exist.