Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs....

By Zack - 01/04/2012 21:36 - United States - Duncannon

Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 746

You deserved it 26 494

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By Tough guy - 04/09/2021 23:00

Today, I was laying in bed when my sister came running in, scared. I took my bat and went into the kitchen where the suspicious noise was coming from. It was a rat, right in the middle of the floor. I jumped on the counter and shrieked, just as my girlfriend walked in, who then actually dealt with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 389

You deserved it 806

By Anonymous - 28/10/2015 15:09 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside my room. I investigated but found nothing. As I went back to my room, I heard a sort of giggling from inside. I was so scared, I grabbed my car keys, got the fuck out of there, and drove to my girlfriend's house in my pajamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 621

You deserved it 3 135

Who goes there?

By dontbadouche - 01/02/2010 13:45 - Senegal

Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking it was burglars I grabbed a baseball bat and hurried down the stairs. I then tripped on the stairs, fell down them and smacked my head on the bat. The sound of footsteps I heard? It was my cat playing in some cardboard boxes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 734

You deserved it 7 261

Rude awakening

By Anonymous - 11/06/2021 16:01

Today, I experienced the fright of a lifetime when I woke up and heard my bedroom door opening. Fearing that there was an intruder, I picked up a bat and opened the door, ready to whack the mystery intruder. There was no one there. No one, except my cat, who apparently knows how to open doors now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 827

You deserved it 127

By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 11:40 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I woke up to noises from downstairs. I practically pissed my pants and called the cops. Turned out it was just my cat being a dickhead in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 727

You deserved it 5 806

By Anonymous - 19/06/2015 19:00 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 970

You deserved it 3 755

By Anonymous - 29/08/2014 15:38 - United States - Hightstown

Today, after moving into my new house, I woke up to strange sounds coming from the kitchen. I panicked and started sobbing, convinced it was either a robbery or a home invasion. Turned out it was just my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 898

You deserved it 12 530

Not a morning person

By Anonymous - 15/07/2021 20:01 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I was woken up by the sound of someone in my room. I started freaking out, thinking someone had broken in, so I kicked them, only to realise it was my boyfriend coming back from the toilet. I'd forgotten he was staying over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 523

You deserved it 732

Caught

By Anonymous - 25/10/2015 02:47 - United States - Apollo

Today, I woke up to noises in my living room. I was scared, but I loaded my gun and snuck downstairs. I burst into the living room, yelled for the motherfucker robbing me to put his hands up, and flicked on the light. My cat stared back at me like I was a moron then calmly walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 596

You deserved it 7 907

By Ohfman117 - 11/08/2009 20:30 - United States

Today, I was sneaking over to my girlfriend's house. I sent her mother a text message thinking it was my girlfriend saying "There's a stalker coming in to make you his play mate ;]" Unfortunately when I got to her window I was greeted by her dad with a bat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 952

You deserved it 71 762

TheDrifter 23

Monday 2 April 2012 2:53

I hope you hit a homer, because you're not getting past first base again for a while.

The_creator_fml 2

Monday 2 April 2012 2:56

So her snack was peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat?

Comments

ravengirl1234 2

Monday 2 April 2012 2:56

You remind me of a certain parrot...

mikeymayhem_87 15

Monday 2 April 2012 3:00

Kudos for you for clocking somebody blindly in the dark with a bat successfully. Too bad it wasn't a burglar!

PoserPunx 0

Monday 2 April 2012 3:01

Serves her right for leaving the kitchen in the first place!!

perdix 29

Monday 2 April 2012 3:03

YDI for having more than one girlfriend! Besides the heavy sleeper and the big eater, how many others are you keeping in that brothel of yours?

perdix 29

Monday 2 April 2012 3:40

#30, it's OK. You know, today is April Fools' Day, so I may be kinda facetious today. Normally, I am very, very serious on here.

evig_fml 16

Monday 2 April 2012 4:53

Perdix I get it.... It's a joke, because your always factitious...

epic13 12

Monday 2 April 2012 5:17

Yeah 26, way to ruin the joke.

coried91 28

Monday 2 April 2012 8:31

I'm sorry but I can't believe someone actually thought you were serious.

bizarre_ftw 21

Monday 2 April 2012 10:54

I honestly got annoyed for a sec, then I saw it was peridix and my reaction did a complete 180 Funny how reputations can affect perceptions huh?

gonad_gobbler 1

Monday 2 April 2012 3:11

You whispered over your shoulder to your girlfriend to tell her to stay quiet, but since she was downstairs that means you whispered to nobody and didn't notice? Or do you have two girlfriends?

Bekll 31

Monday 2 April 2012 3:17

The former; He thought she was sleeping next to him.

perdix 29

Monday 2 April 2012 3:13

A sandwich or a sammich?

zingline89 18

Monday 2 April 2012 3:20

That's not what she meant when before you went to bed she said "I really wanna feel your wood"

codkid15 0

Monday 2 April 2012 3:21

Smooth, FYL

thatfunnyguy77 0

Monday 2 April 2012 3:24

I hope she dumps ur ass

coried91 28

Monday 2 April 2012 8:34

Yes she should dump him because if there were a real intruder he would protect her. He should have checked to see of she were there but he was following instincts and trying to keep her safe. It was an accident.