Health: Today, I purchased a cactus in a cute little pot and put it on...

By Anonymous - 27/10/2017 06:03

Today, I purchased a cactus in a cute little pot and put it on my windowsill so it could get sun. Unfortunately, that's also where I have my alarm clock. Guess which one I grabbed in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 228

You deserved it 2 675

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Same thing different taste

By Username - 15/07/2011 19:51 - United States

Today, the plant on my windowsill fell and landed in my face while I was napping. It's a cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 195

You deserved it 7 942

By Ouchhh - 25/05/2010 06:54 - United States

Today, I leaned back and bumped into one of my mom's plants in the window. The good thing was that I caught it before it fell and shattered. The bad thing was that my mom likes to keep cactii in the window. I can still feel thorns I haven't managed to pluck out yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 899

You deserved it 4 542

Kill it with fire

By Anonymous - 31/05/2022 06:00 - Germany - Moormerland

Today, my dad reactivated a digital clock we had lying around, and accidentally set an alarm on it. For 1 a.m.. So guess who went hunting for that noise in the middle of night. And guess who banished the thing to the living room, then forgot about it, and slept on the sofa in said living room. Or tried to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 636

You deserved it 211

Quick quick

By NoorFML - 13/09/2013 13:24 - United States

Today, I woke up and saw that my alarm clock had fallen on the floor. It read 9:05 am. I panicked because I was late for work. As I frantically got ready, I went to pick my alarm clock up to place it back on my nightstand when I realized it was upside down. The actual time was 5:06. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 030

You deserved it 7 526

By TheSublime - 21/10/2009 13:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping a friend redecorate. She had put up some shelving, that we presumed was stable. It broke, and all the expensive vases and collectables fell to the floor. On instinct, I leapt forward to catch the closest thing. It was not the expensive vase. It was a cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 852

You deserved it 4 644

By tarheels526 - 08/02/2009 00:53 - United States

Today, the alarm on my phone went off. I picked it up, hit snooze, and dropped it back on my desk without looking. I woke up an hour later to find that I had dropped it directly in a full glass of water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 621

You deserved it 27 463

By thanksdad - 16/03/2014 19:28 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I found out what it feels like to be slapped in the face with a potted cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 810

You deserved it 6 278

Here I go again

By Anonymous - 03/01/2013 05:02 - United States - Austin

Today, after I finally laid down from a long day and was about to fall asleep, I realized I forgot to set my alarm. I don't own an alarm clock and my alarm is on my phone. Which was in my car. I live on 15th floor of an apartment building and our parking garage is across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 033

You deserved it 10 102

Bang on time

By Anonymous - 05/04/2022 10:00

Today, I proudly put on display the custom clock I'd spent 3 months building from scratch. It struck the hour and promptly fell off the wall, breaking my wife’s antique vase that she'd inherited from her great nana. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 016

You deserved it 236

By prickly - 11/10/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 029

You deserved it 2 857

tonyfan00 38

Friday 27 October 2017 7:23

If that didn't wake you up, then I don't know what will...

RichardPencil 30

Friday 27 October 2017 6:49

So, before you had your morning coffee, you had to start dealing with pricks!

Comments

Donut_Wizard 23

Friday 27 October 2017 6:44

But your awake now, right? So it worked.

almost_there44 26

Friday 27 October 2017 6:52

You*re.

RichardPencil 30

Friday 27 October 2017 6:49

So, before you had your morning coffee, you had to start dealing with pricks!

tonyfan00 38

Friday 27 October 2017 7:23

If that didn't wake you up, then I don't know what will...

Madrias 36

Friday 27 October 2017 8:53

I suppose that's one way to avoid hitting the snooze button.

Mightytall 35

Friday 27 October 2017 10:03

I guess you then had the stinging realization, that the choice of placement was suboptimal.

Lobby_Bee 17

Friday 27 October 2017 11:11

Now that's a wake up call I need.

davecross 11

Friday 27 October 2017 21:03

Well that was a painful lesson.

ProperPengTing 15

Saturday 28 October 2017 10:38

Daf

GhostFox 33

Monday 30 October 2017 3:02

Well, that's one way to wake up in the morning...

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The Top

Today, I was going to have sex with my Hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say, "Fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was "Pollo frito". I then had sex, constantly saying "Pollo frito" for an hour. I later realized I was saying "Fried chicken." FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 483

You deserved it 183 628

Today, according to my husband of many years, he was actually planning to ghost me after our boring first date. It was only the fact that I shagged him senseless that night that kept him around long enough for us to actually get to know each other. Hooray for me being a "loose slut" back in 1998. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 131

You deserved it 552

The Top

Today, I taught a kid piano for a two hour lesson. The mom left to do some errands, and by the time two hours was up, she texted me asking to watch the kid for another "15 minutes" while she returned home. No problem, she had the money too, so I stayed. Four hours later, she showed up, and refused to pay me extra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 702

You deserved it 101

Today, my best friend got engaged. To get his girlfriend to say yes, he had to agree to dump me as a friend because she doesn't want him being best friends with a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 735

You deserved it 1 598

Today, I am 10 years clean from an opiate addiction. It’s also been 10 years since I began suffering from severe restless legs syndrome, to the point I cry from frustration and sleep deprivation almost every night. I’ve tried several medications, they don’t help. A recent injury has made me realize opiates do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 911

You deserved it 114

Today, I found out that I've been paying student fees for the wrong account. Apparently I have been paying for some other student's tuition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 065

You deserved it 8 013

Today, I've had the exact same dream every night for a month. I'm sick of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 772

You deserved it 91

Today, my 9 year-old daughter had really bad constipation. When I took her to the doctor, he had to 'break it up' with a gloved finger, and then he sent me home with directions on how to administer an enema. I do not recommend trying to give an enema to a kid that doesn't want one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 468

You deserved it 1 022