Miscellaneous: Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean....

By Anon - 05/12/2015 23:15 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean. And by drunk clean I mean put my things away where I won't be able to find them, like my car keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 325

You deserved it 4 123

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Same thing different taste

What am I like?

By Joe - 01/11/2009 16:35 - United States

Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 806

You deserved it 50 839

By ishouldntdrink - 10/01/2010 15:11 - United States

Today, I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 911

You deserved it 39 282

Stuck

By crap - 19/06/2009 17:34 - United States

Today, I woke up extremely hungover. I couldn't find my car keys so I went out to my car to see if I had locked them inside. I walked back to the door of my apartment barefoot and empty handed, only to find that I had locked myself out of the apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 878

You deserved it 44 891

By FailedEngineer - 20/10/2009 21:31 - Australia

Today, I lost my house keys while staggering home drunk, so I decided to climb through an opened window and promptly went to bed. Twenty minutes later the police wake me up while attempting to search my place. The neighbors thought I was a burglar and called the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 266

You deserved it 35 647

By Chedder - 26/06/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, I tried to keep a drunk girl from driving by holding her keys, but she had a spare set in her purse. She hit me with her car when I was walking home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 002

You deserved it 3 495

By SDCore - 12/02/2015 00:40 - United States - Glenview

Today, I got drunk at a party. I didn't want my parents to know, so I took out my phone, called my parents, and asked them not to tell them I'm drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 831

You deserved it 39 891

By TragicallyAnxious - 10/05/2019 08:00

Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 462

You deserved it 640

By PatientlyDying - 15/06/2015 23:07 - United States - Plano

Today, while talking to my parents, I dropped an ordinary drinking glass. After I apologized and cleaned the mess, they told me that they had decided that if I couldn't be careful at home, I certainly couldn't be careful on the roads. They took away my keys. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 647

You deserved it 2 783

By Sebastian20 - 08/05/2013 11:05 - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, after a night of heavy drinking, I woke up handcuffed to my bed. My friends who are responsible for this think it's hilarious and claimed not to remember where they put the keys. They took pictures, then left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 324

You deserved it 15 609

By Anonymous - 31/05/2012 19:03 - Canada

Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 627

You deserved it 34 411

organizse 28

Sunday 6 December 2015 16:30

Solution: keep getting drunk until you clean enough of your house to find them

Tripartita 44

Sunday 6 December 2015 16:49

Time to make a drunk videographer friend, so you'll have an account of whatever happens when you're both inebriated.

Comments

rabid_otaku 29

Sunday 6 December 2015 17:56

Better than that one person on FML who drink adopts cats.

igg125 30

Sunday 6 December 2015 18:24

I bet it'll be in the last place you look.

freddygasman 18

Sunday 6 December 2015 23:54

I'd hope its in the last place you look. If you keep looking after you found them that's just foolish.

Kiernan151 25

Sunday 6 December 2015 18:24

Ydi, just don't get drunk. It's easy not to do. And if you have problems with moderation you should get help

littlekellilee 45

Sunday 6 December 2015 20:50

Wow, you just turned a funny problem into possible alcoholism. Too far.

KILJOY310 11

Sunday 6 December 2015 19:40

You should start leaving yourself clues to the location of items you have hidden.

RageWolf16 31

Sunday 6 December 2015 20:30

You need a Tile

warrenhoward42 20

Sunday 6 December 2015 21:07

that's probably a good thing

Saraishi 24

Sunday 6 December 2015 22:50

That's more drunk hide than drunk clean.

russfml 31

Monday 7 December 2015 0:05

Real life Monica from Friends? Lol

wmayrhofer 18

Monday 7 December 2015 1:25

Check the fridge.

Murilirum 23

Monday 7 December 2015 1:42

I might be a hybrid breed of human because I do both.

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The Top

Today, I realized my success rates for sex in my committed relationship were really, really low, so I've decided to stop trying for a while. I also recently have learned Excel. I made a pretty complex tracker if I ever decide to try again to monitor failures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 263

You deserved it 169

Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 936

You deserved it 1 334

The Top

Today, I finally summoned the courage to ask my roommate to chip in for electricity costs. She called me a bitch, proceeded to tell me she can't afford it despite working full time and I part time, and blocked me on all communications. Uhm, what ? FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 243

You deserved it 337

Today, I learned that there's a billboard-sized photo of me and my ex hanging in the airport advertising my college. Travelers from all over the world have now seen me smiling at graduation with the guy who cheated on me after 3 years together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 797

You deserved it 324

Today, I was saying goodbye to my boyfriend before I got on my bus. As I turned to get on, the door closed on my face. I knocked on the door. The driver looked at me, and while still staring at me, drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 056

You deserved it 5 433

Today, I was taking my architecture project to school. I'd spent days preparing my little model house. I stepped outside with it in my hand, and right at that moment a gust of wind ripped it away. It's currently lying in my neighbour's garden, smashed to pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 564

You deserved it 4 115

Today, I farted so loudly in my sleep that it woke myself, my husband, and our cat. The cat let me know he was startled by clawing and biting the perceived threat, my bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 307

You deserved it 728

Today, the Star Wars Cantina song had been stuck in my head since I woke up, as my brother was humming it. I finally managed to get it out of my head. Then my mom started to whistle it. It's stuck in my head again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 179

You deserved it 4 267

Same thing different taste

What am I like?

Stuck

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