Animals: Today, I had a near-death experience. Went to print a document...

By Canonlizardjet - 13/02/2017 08:00 - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, I had a near-death experience. Went to print a document and a lizard shot out of the printer right out at me. Gives a whole new meaning to a Canon printer, a fricking lizard Canon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 571

You deserved it 588

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Same thing different taste

I'm Jim Morrison, I'm Dead

By lizardhater - 12/03/2020 22:09 - Singapore

Today, a lizard got caught in some loose duct tape in my office. A perk of working alone, I get to clean up. Lizards scare the Bejeezus out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 181

You deserved it 269

By Anonymous - 17/07/2011 20:44 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike and swerved to avoid hitting a lizard. I ended up sliding into a bush and skinning myself, only to find my tires had still managed to cut the lizard to pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 624

You deserved it 8 869

Spooked

By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 05:08

Today, I thought my house was being broken into in the dead of night. Frightened, I dismounted a floor lamp as a makeshift weapon and crept through the house, channelling my inner Ellen Ripley. It turned out to be the wireless printer with a paper jam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 791

You deserved it 6 770

By LP - 16/02/2015 03:25 - United States - Madison

Today, I was at work copying some papers. The copier is below a shelf with lots of paper and signage, which suddenly flew off the hinge and hit me in the head as well as the copier. My boss ran in, asking, "Is the copier okay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 618

You deserved it 2 378

By OhaiiKid - 07/03/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I was home alone. It was very dark and so I went to turn on the lights, when I heard the sound of a gun loading. I dropped to the floor but never heard a gun fire. I got up and heard the sound again. When I got lights on, I discovered it was only my printer telling me it was out of paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 480

You deserved it 26 051

By Anonymous - 17/03/2017 19:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, something in my shoe was bothering me at work. After about 30 minutes, I finally had a chance to fix it. There was a squashed lizard in my shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 900

You deserved it 524

By Anonymous - 02/03/2017 12:00

Today, I used a blanket outside for a picnic. Later, while throwing it in the washer, I noticed a lizard jump out to land inbetween the bowl and the side. Then I noticed a wasp had joined it. I'm scared to open my washer now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 049

You deserved it 597

By bad luck Bianca - 17/01/2015 22:30 - United States - Houston

Today, I saw a stick in my car and picked it up to throw it out the window. The "stick" turned out to have eyes. It was a dead lizard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 838

You deserved it 10 193

By Anonymous - 03/09/2013 19:50 - United States

Today, I had to visit a client because his printer had broken down. After driving for an hour, then being screamed at about how horrible my company's service is, I walked over to his printer and found the problem: there was no paper loaded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 396

You deserved it 3 125

By Anonymous - 23/12/2015 17:11 - Germany

Today, as I passed a printout over my shoulder to my mum, I managed to give myself a papercut on my tear duct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 649

You deserved it 2 684

foolest 7

Monday 13 February 2017 14:33

geico's new advertising tactics are amazing

eaglerob 20

Monday 13 February 2017 15:00

Canon's new 3D printer...almost too good

Comments

False_Stupidity 41

Monday 13 February 2017 20:07

True to life printing!

GIJoefan 6

Tuesday 14 February 2017 2:28

And here I thought that only happened in Australia!

Kalhenwrath 13

Tuesday 14 February 2017 2:30

I'd like to know what about this qualifies as "near-death" you over-sensitive snowflake.

rgetting 24

Tuesday 14 February 2017 5:13

Near death? Grow up.

rgetting 24

Tuesday 14 February 2017 5:15

Tell your sob story to a Marine.

jokesonthebat 0

Tuesday 14 February 2017 6:05

This is the best FML I've read in ages!

Geckosrock99 33

Tuesday 14 February 2017 23:46

On the bright side, free lizard.

Geckosrock99 33

Tuesday 14 February 2017 23:46

On the bright side, free lizard.

LunaMyst 19

Friday 17 February 2017 1:55

I actually lol'd, well done, OP

Keywords

Work Awkward Parents Relatable Job interview Facebook Social Media Jealousy Love Relationship advice Friends AITA Kids Shoes Annoying Roommate Music Names Customers Education Capitalism Money Gamers Weird Bodyshaming Coworkers Landlords Allergies Dogs Singing

The Top

Today, while playing paintball, a shot ricocheted off a wall and slammed into my nuts. I told the other team I was out and tried to run out of the field, but as I was jogging to the door I was hit again in the balls. My friend saw this and dropped his gun, laughing. It hit me too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 031

You deserved it 705

Today, my 58 year-old mother told me she’s having a baby. Apparently she hasn’t started menopause yet, but assumed from her age she wouldn’t get pregnant when she started seeing a man she goes to bingo with. 58 years-old. My little brother/sister is going to be 36 years younger than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 492

You deserved it 82

The Top

Today, my mother brought my sex life in front of an entire family gathering. I lost my virginity at 17 and when she found out she called me a whore. This time, she told the family I'd slept with 100 men by the time I was 18. I’m 40 and my body count is 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 631

You deserved it 234

Today, after a month at my new job, my boss fired me because I didn't have enough experience. She hired me with full knowledge of this fact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 957

You deserved it 934

Today, knowing that I have been in a lot of stress lately, my friend tried to teach me how to meditate. Eventually, I ended up in a deeply relaxed state in which my mind was completely clear. When I snapped out of it, I realized I'd peed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 806

You deserved it 3 592

Today, I felt comfortable enough to invite the guy I’ve been seeing over to my apartment for the first time. Things immediately got weird when he started to inspect my place top to bottom to make sure it was “clean to his standards”. I told him to leave when he started going in my closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 110

You deserved it 106

Today, we've been saving for months. I thought we were saving for a down payment. Apparently, to my wife, "down payment" means "Amazon Prime Day savings fund." We had over thirty grand, now we've got less than five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 319

You deserved it 139

Today, I set my AIM status to be the currently-playing file on my iTunes. I've downloaded a lot of porn to my iTunes, and I wanted to watch some. My status changed to "Girl in Latex gets fucked in the ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 498

You deserved it 158 502

Same thing different taste

I'm Jim Morrison, I'm Dead

Spooked

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