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If someone knocks while my one cat is shitting, she'll get scared and run away to her hiding spot while dropping a few turds on the way over. Thankfully it's not the same cat that takes such foul smelling dumps that it actually wakes me up at night whenever he drops a deuce. Such majestic creatures.

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This is why I just leave my cat tied up and in the litter box next to a food dish. I use a similar strategy (and a bit of clothesline) to ensure loved ones cannot abandon me. If you're willing to fi—oh, hold on, somebody is knocking on my door, and I can hear sirens…

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