Intimacy: Today, I attended a cooking class with my co-workers. As the...

By Anonymous - 16/05/2013 20:54 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I attended a cooking class with my co-workers. As the chef prepared to cut up a load of onions for his dish, he warned us to be ready for the "typical reactions". Everyone teared up. Meanwhile, I popped a boner. So much for typical. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 289

You deserved it 9 455

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Same thing different taste

Chop chop

By shaz - 27/04/2023 10:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to surprise my girlfriend by cooking dinner. As I was chopping onions, I cut my finger and started bleeding everywhere. She walked in, saw the blood on the onions, and almost passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 673

You deserved it 114

Kitchen Nightmares

By just the tip, though - 28/01/2014 17:06 - United States - Grovetown

Today, at work teaching a cooking class, one of the kids asked if they could use a knife to help me chop vegetables. I said no, because it was very sharp and only staff members are allowed to use them. Just as I said that, the knife sliced through the tip of my thumb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 014

You deserved it 11 923

By xoragebaby - 24/01/2015 01:29 - United States

Today, I realized my job working with food is getting to me. While having sex with my boyfriend, I fell asleep. He asked me what I was doing, and apparently I sleep-talked, saying "I'm chopping lettuce". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 710

You deserved it 5 027

By wordmalfunction - 25/05/2009 21:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I was preparing a dinner for some business associates, in hopes of closing the deal on a promotion. I emailed them with the menu, in case there were any allergies. Hours later, I checked the email again to find that instead of serving the Roast Duck I would be serving the Roast Fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 117

You deserved it 44 782

By Anonymous - 03/08/2009 18:33 - United States

Today, I was handling corrosive chemicals when I accidentally spilled a beaker of Hydrochloric Acid on myself. I had to strip naked and use the emergency shower with my boss and my hot coworker watching. The worst part was when I realized my coworker was laughing at the size of my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 407

You deserved it 7 016

By pootythe5th - 30/08/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I was at my favorite Mexican restaurant when I realized my really cute waiter, along with his buddies kept looking at me and smiling. Trying to be cool, I took a bite of my burrito, choked, and spilled ground beef down my new shirt and in my bra. They laughed the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 532

You deserved it 38 659

By anonymous - 16/02/2010 01:25 - United States

Today, I was really excited to be observing my first autopsy for my forensics class. Apparently so was the guy behind me. He barfed up ramen noodles all over my hair and back. I couldn't leave the room to clean up. For two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 990

You deserved it 1 934

Childish doofus

By -__- - 26/12/2015 13:41

Today, I showed my husband a recipe for the meal I wanted us to make tonight. He saw cumin was an ingredient and broke into hysterics. By the time he managed to stop laughing, he gasped that he couldn't eat something "with cumin it" and broke down laughing again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 390

You deserved it 2 997

By bill219 - 07/12/2012 22:40 - United States - Dallas

Today, I was at the breakfast table when my sister started eating a banana. Before I knew what was happening, I'd somehow popped a boner. I had to wait for her to leave before I could stand up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 228

You deserved it 26 076

Food flight

By ashley_skillz06 - 24/01/2010 05:21 - France

Today, I went to a Japanese restaurant. While the chef was throwing food at us, I was getting ready for my turn. He tossed a piece of broccoli at me, I leaned back to catch it, completely falling off my chair. I knocked everything over and had the packed restaurant laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 358

You deserved it 7 397

MsConfusedd 27

Friday 17 May 2013 1:12

It must be awkward cooking with family at holiday time.

yetanotherginger 19

Friday 17 May 2013 1:13

As long as it isn't typical that you are aroused by people tearing up, I think you'll live

Comments

euphoricness 28

Friday 17 May 2013 1:21

It looks like you'll be whipping up some sausage! And some broiled eggs...

olpally 32

Friday 17 May 2013 1:23

Chef Ramsay to op, "**** off" lol. Literally.

theknozzle 14

Friday 17 May 2013 1:25

George Costanza? Is that you?

Enslaved 36

Friday 17 May 2013 1:30

What guy wouldn't get turned on by seeing a bunch of girls with runny mascara?

Kylienne 5

Friday 17 May 2013 1:31

I hope you were wearing jeans.

thatnucca 36

Friday 17 May 2013 1:42

Onions huh? Better avoid the melon cutting class then...

cycle227 3

Friday 17 May 2013 1:43

I've just added this FML to my favorites :)

rosenkrieger223 21

Friday 17 May 2013 2:45

Me too. haha

TheBrochure 22

Friday 17 May 2013 2:50

Me three! Now I can fantasize about OP's unfortunate situation without having to search further and further each day!

sugarshane007 20

Friday 17 May 2013 1:50

Somebody was certainly happy to see the onion.

Protagonist_ 9

Friday 17 May 2013 1:59

Perhaps you're into people crying, welp look on the bright side at least there are stranger fetishes out there....

groovycrazyjoe 18

Friday 17 May 2013 2:09

your penis trying to be hard knowing it want to cry

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The Top

Today, I was stuck with a coworker all morning while she had the "front farts." I moved to a different area after lunch, only to have another coworker start talking loudly about her boyfriend's skin tags, and how he likes to have her bite them off. I'm so disgusted but afraid to report it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 443

You deserved it 84

Today, I need a remote position due to a disability, but no company will even try to work with me. My car just died. I'll never be able to live on my own, despite being 30. The worst part? All the people who are gonna reply and call me "entitled." FML

I agree, your life sucks 416

You deserved it 125

The Top

Today, my parents asked if they could borrow my car. Why? Because they were going to see someone about a Craig's List ad and wanted to look poor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 219

You deserved it 3 653

Today, I was walking to class, when a kid came up behind me and smacked me in the face a few times until I fell to the ground. I rolled over and he said, "Oh shit! Wrong person, my bad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 578

You deserved it 3 627

Today, I paid £200 for a car service to make sure everything was running okay. I got the all clear that everything was perfect and all necessary fluids topped up. I then wrote the car off 20 minutes later in an accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 159

You deserved it 453

Today, I discovered the top I'm wearing becomes completely see-through when it rains. I just got caught in a storm on my lunch break, and still have 3 hours of work to go in my male dominated office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 551

You deserved it 8 716

Today, the city shut off our water, because they said we didn't pay the bill. Turns out, it was sitting on their desk the whole time. I guess sending someone out to turn off our water was easier than checking to see if we'd actually paid the bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 473

You deserved it 3 221

Today, I was going to give my baby daughter an empty Pringles tin to play with on the floor. I saw some crumbs at the bottom, so I emptied the can in my mouth before I gave it to her. I crunched hard and spat them out, realizing my boyfriend had just cut his toenails into the can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 963

You deserved it 9 982