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By Toolate - / Wednesday 21 December 2016 12:26 /
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By  Soninuva  |  40

Normally I'm not one to jump on the dump him bandwagon, but in this instance where it seems like he was cheating on you because your desires didn't match his, I'd be willing to make an exception. Talk to him first, though, and not accusingly. Simply ask about it. It could be innocent, such as an old wrapper from the last time you two had sex and he found it, and picked it up placing it in his pocket, intending to throw it away, but forgetting to.

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By  Soninuva  |  40

Normally I'm not one to jump on the dump him bandwagon, but in this instance where it seems like he was cheating on you because your desires didn't match his, I'd be willing to make an exception. Talk to him first, though, and not accusingly. Simply ask about it. It could be innocent, such as an old wrapper from the last time you two had sex and he found it, and picked it up placing it in his pocket, intending to throw it away, but forgetting to.

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  teaspoon04  |  11

My thought here is, if it was only a few weeks, how is that acceptable? When is cheating on your spouse ever acceptable? I MAY understand if you married someone and they happened to be asexual and only comfortable sharing that after marriage. But definitely not after a few weeks of no intimacy.

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  Soninuva  |  40

@18 it's not acceptable. My comment only explores the possibility that OP's husband may not be cheating, and thus not to act rashly. However, if he is, then I would recommend a divorce, particularly if he turned to infidelity after so short a span of time.

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  wiccaantje  |  20

#18 I didnt read it as a few weeks but that might be because of my experiences. I was a highly sexual person, dating my highly sexual boyfriend and when we started dating seriously I went on birth control. Now it's 5 years later, within a year I lost my entire sex drive gradually, tried to solve it (never concidered birth control to be the problem), 6 months ago I went off birth control and my full sexual drive was back within the week. So while you look at it as a few weeks from the moment she stopped the birth control, I see it as an indefenite period of time since she started using birth control.

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  wiccaantje  |  20

I also don't think that treating cheating as this ultimate betrayel that emmediatly requires divorce is correct (again, because of the experiences I described before). Some cases of cheating are dump that asshole right now, but I think those are rare cases. Humans are sexual and we are programmed to not be monogamous yet we try so hard to go against our own nature. We can because we have the intelligence. We should try because it's better, but failing shouldn't be the hardest sin ever. Especially if your relationship is sexless. People underrate the value sex has in a relationship, it's not just the sex. If you go from a relationship with sex to one without you lose almost all the intimacy you have with your partner. Both of you will be more irritated and arguments will be more difficult to solve. The person without sex drive will feel frustrated, guilty, angry and will have lost a stress relief. Aka a difficult person to live with. The person without the sex drive will forget what was enjoyable about sex and will stop being understanding about the hardship of the person wanting sex, it's just sex. The person wanting sex will try but get snubbed for trying to help what he cant help with and rejected for sex over and over again until he stops asking (or her). And then you stop talking about sex, followed by anything remotely connected to sex, followed by arguing but not making up. Etc etc etc. The person you started dating is rarely an evil horrible person. You started dating right? So I think you should learn the why before terminating the relationship. It won't be a good reason as there are no good reasons but it might be a reason you can understand and rebuild from.

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  Soninuva  |  40

@28 so because we have animal-like instincts, we should succumb to them, and not have to worry about any consequences, right? It's not like you invalidated your own argument when you mentioned us being able to control them or anything.

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  wiccaantje  |  20

#30 In no way did I say that we should succumb to them. You are allowed to in my eyes but ONLY if your partner agrees. Cheating is a horrible thing to do. I'm just saying it's not an unforgivable thing to do. Latest numbers say that 50% of people have cheated in one of their relationships... So is 50% of the population horrible and disgusting or is monogamy difficult and humans not flawless? If a person cheated once and never again in a relationship of 10 years then he/she isn't an asshole undeserving of your love and I think you should give he/she a very hard time but then listen to the reasons and perhaps forgive them. Are you really trowing 10 years away for 1 mistake that is in our nature?

By  WCARlover  |  34

Oh boy...:( well, there COULD be another explanation. But if there isn't, at least since you weren't sleeping with him, you didn't contract anything he might have gotten while he was out being a horrible person...cause he still could've gotten something while wearing a condom. Trying to look at the bright side here..but I'm really sorry that happened :(

By  sweetbliss3  |  32

so it sounds like you already had a conversation and he told you he went elsewhere. get that money in the divorce, they usually look down on adultery. Ohh yeah, and punch him in the face. (people walk into walls all the time when they sleep walk).

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  Saercia  |  6

If it were a tiny dude and a large, strong girl? Hell yes. Men generally have more physical (and social) power than women, which is why violence against women is seen as "punching down" (so to speak).

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  sweetbliss3  |  32

I don't care who you are or what gender, if you have the audacity to fuck around you deserve to get punched. maybe the next go around they might think twice about it.

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  mariri9206  |  32

Or maybe violence isn't the answer and no one - man or woman - should be hitting anyone - man or woman - when someone messes up like this. Not only is it violence but it could possibly be considered abuse.

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  mariri9206  |  32

not only is it violent* ugh, stupid autocorrect. lol

By  cootiequeen4444  |  11

Why in all 9 circles of hell would someone cheat and keep the condom wrapper I'm their freaking pocket rather than throw it out? Their SO is less likely to dig through their trash than their pockets. Especially depending on whom typically does laundry. This just doesn't add up.... Maybe he was just picking up loitered garbage in some place where innocent children's might see it. Or OP's husband could be not only a cheater but a total moron. which would mean double reason to get the heck out. But, yeah, totally investigate this further by confronting him (in a way that won't cause too much conflict for the off chance it was something innocent). What the reason may be that he had a condom in his pocket , it at the very least does not look good. If he gets super defensive and crap you should check his phone. though this is a red alert only thing as its an invasion of privacy. in a way so is cheating though so I think it is warranted IF it truly looks Iike all roads lead to Rome (cheating). It is not a valid thing to do just because you are suspicious despite his potentially very valid reasoning. It's a really rocky road to trust suspicion over your partner. So take my words with heed! On a side note, did he ever complain to you about be sexually frustrated? Not that this would validate cheating, but sex can be a big factor to some people regarding relations and as you seemed to indicate that you used to be frisky than apparently weren't while on the pill, depending on how long other was, you maybe should have done something every now and then to continue the status quo. As its not like you are asexual it seems or sex repulsed, you just weren't feeling up to it? Relationships involve compromise so sometimes you have to do stuff you don't like to make the other person happy. I'm not saying you should Ave kept up whatever the status quo if it was like woo-hoo sexy time all the time... just occasionally fooling around to help maintain peace while you try to figure out how to manage the issue of your low libido while trying to avoid going off the pill... as I can see delaying that.. children are like the responsibility of all responsibilities... so getting pregnant when one is not ready for children (or I'd you don't want children) would be bad.. so I do understand the hesitation too. It's just by saying too late it sounds like you totally abstained from sex while you were on the pill... so maybe a lack of communication and/or lack of compromise led to the unthinkable. doesn't make what he did okay. not in the slightest. nor does it mean you should take any blame. it just might answer some questions though. or again, he could have just been picking up trash or he lent (ok. gave) a friend a condom in the case he carries one around for the sake of you and him getting it on. No answer was a smart move on his part I must say though..

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  Bearsmomma  |  30

First, this read like an ADHD comment. Bounced all over. I was out of breath from simply READING it. Okay, next, I "put out" 4-6 nights a week to "do something I don't want to to keep peace and compromise" (or however you worded it, but it earns nothing in return. My husband STILL cheats and shows zero affection outside of sex. I beg and beg for him to "help me enjoy sex-try to break the low libido". He doesn't even put a finger against my flesh. I'm saying.... That advice sucks in some situations. Some people are just plain TOO FUCKING SELFISH TO STICK IT OUT OR TRY OR EVEN NOT CHEAT regardless of what the other does or says

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  Saercia  |  6

I had the same experience reading that. "He might not have cheated, but if he did, maybe it's your fault. It's not your fault though, but it might be, and he might have cheated, but maybe he didn't, and maybe it's your fault, not that it's your fault."

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#20, if you only see women as pieces of meat to use for your own pleasure, then I don't think anyone should be stuck with you either. You're not going to be young forever, and if you base a relationship solely on sex then you're not going to have anything left when you have to eventually give it up.

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  smrfnlo  |  0

So a guy is to remain sexless? Not happening, if I'm not getting it from someone I marry then I'm going to find another restaurant. I tried going the porn and masterbation route and lost an 8 year relationship because of it.

By  Penguinpuff  |  12

A long time ago, when my boyfriend and I first got together he tried to "be sweet" and absentmindedly put the condom in his pocket. The pants were tossed into the laundry, and not worn again for months. We were out on a date and put my hand is his back pocket and felt the unmistakable squish and nearly lost my mind at him until he started laughing hysterically and explained. I truly, truly hope this turns out to be something similar to my experience. Birth control side effects really suck, but to have a man not be able to understand what you're going through sucks even more. Shame on him if he couldn't have some patience while you're coming out of a rough spot.

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