“How could she not tell the difference is she Wile E coyotes wife 😐🙄😵” -Charlie Given
8. The results are in, you ARE the father.
Today, I found out that even after having had my tubes tied, I am in fact pregnant. I have an 8-month-old son and his father just remarried another woman 2 months ago. Neither of them believe that the new baby is his. FML
“Maury will straighten that out for you!” -ViviMage
7. I ain't sayin she a gold digger
“Looks like you’re gonna be a gold-digger for the next few days.” -RichardPencil
6. Can't wait to see it.
“Wow the Catwoman trailer looks pretty good” -real life problems
5. Let's just hit her with the cold dark truth.
“Jesus doesn’t love you” -melisssa87
4. *cue the scary music*
“Your genitals sound like something out of a horror story” -slkeithh
3. my BOWEELLLLSS
“My bowels are tellin’ me no but my taste buds, may taste buds are tellin’ me yes” -im Martin
2. This is a very important perspective to consider.
Today, I've been seeing this girl for three months. After asking her if she'd like to go out to eat with me, I realized that she never called me by my name, just "hey you". While we were out, I wondered what she had me saved as, so I texted her when she got up to use the restroom. It was "free food". FML
“Better than "free kidneys".” -PenguinPal3017
1. You know how impressionable they are!
Today, after my washing machine broke yesterday in the middle of a cycle, I went and spent $1400 on a new one. Also today, my dryer started to smoke and almost caught my clothes on fire. There goes another $1000. FML
“Have a talk with your dryer and explain that if it's going to smoke it should do so responsibly and not near dryer lint.” -TheSminty1
META COMMENT BONUS ROUND
Today, I was texting with my childhood crush late at night and we were exchanging secrets. I figured this was as good a time as any to tell her about my long-standing crush on her. Turns out she's a lesbian. FML
“Yeah OP, think how much worse it'd be if she saw your junk in the shower and commented on it.” -Lalala579121