FML: Spring Break Edition
Picture this: You are on the beach surrounded by thousands of other drunk college kids who, like you, are here to celebrate this time-honored tradition of debauchery. You are wearing some neon-colored swim thing and holding a yard glass of watered-down beer. Your wayfarers read "Corona," there are beads around your neck that say "Bud Light," and you have a temporary tattoo that says "Jose Cuervo." You're basically an ad for a liquor store.
The crowd roars. The woo-girls go, "WOOOOO!" the bros go, "BROOOOO!"
You lift your yard glass in the air and absent-mindedly spill beer in some girl's hair. She is unfazed. She has already vomitted twice today; beer-hair will not stop her.
She is a warrior. You are all warriors; capable of withstanding an entire week of junk food, binge-drinking, sloppy hookups, and the absence of morality.
That's right, it's Spring Break. *
*Just to be clear, this depiction is entirely based on my consumption of MTV Spring Break, Spring Breakers, and the final scenes of 22 Jump Street. In reality, I spent my spring breaks chillin' with my puppers at home. No shame.
But is spring break actually anything like this? According to these FMLs, apparently yes. For some of you, it may have already come and gone, but for many of you who are in the midst of it now, this selection of FMLs goes out to you, so you may remind yourself exactly how not to spend your spring break.
Today, I'm on spring break on a tropical island, visiting family I hadn't seen in years. They invited me out to eat, and won't take no for an answer. All of this would be wonderful, if it weren't for the fact that I've been vomiting to the point of expelling bile and dry heaving for the last two days. FML
Today, we started our 17 hour drive to Michigan for spring break. My mom decided to go to Target to buy some music CDs. All she bought was three Nicki Minaj CDs. She has already replayed the first CD four times. 14 hours to go. FML
Today, my friends and I were celebrating Spring Break by going out to a club. I saw a very, very cute girl sipping a drink at the bar all by herself. Trying to be a stud I walked over and said "What are you doing Friday night?" Her response: "Not you." FML
Today, I was enjoying my last day of Spring Break in Panama City. I got up to dance on the stage at the Holiday Inn in front of hundreds of college kids. I tried to be sexy by turning around and bending over. My friends took pictures and my bloody tampon string was hanging out the whole time. FML
Today, the hottest girl in the entire freshman class was telling her friend she was going to Florida for spring break. She said she would be in the same city I would and I couldnt help but say, "Oh, cool! Maybe I'll see you there!" She simply looked at me and said, "I hope not." FML
Today, I tried to surprise my parents by coming home from college for Spring Break. I arrived to find a dark house, with all the doors bolted shut. After calling them, I found out that they have gone on a vacation to Hawaii for a week. I am now locked out of my own house, with no where to stay. FML
Today, I was talking to my parents about feeling insecure with my "beach body" as Spring Break keeps getting closer and closer. My dad warned me by saying, "Don't wear a gray swimsuit. People will try to roll you back into the ocean". FML
Today, while on the way to Florida for spring break, I pointed out to my mom a bright blue car in the rear-view mirror. As the car overtook us, we both got a horrifyingly detailed view of the driver jerking off her passenger. FML
There you have it.
So when you're off on spring break this year, try and keep this list in mind. Remember, while it may be fun to read FMLs, you don't necessarily want to live them. If you're planning to rage, keep yourself in check. If you have no plans and feel like you're missing out, you know, since social media makes you feel like you should be doing something crazy, remember these FMLs and the spring breakers of yore who probably had it worse than you.
If your spring break is already over, tell us what you did (or didn't do) in the comments below! Hearing from you makes our day!