FML Select: Talk Dirty To Me
It's sexy time and things are heating up. Do you feel that spark, that raw sexual energy? What do you say we move it on into the bedroom and get this fire going? Because I’ve got the perfect kindling to set it ablaze.
That’s right, baby, prepare your loins because it’s time to break out the impressions.
Who do you want to hear first? What do you say we turn this bedroom into a nature documentary with a little Morgan Freeman? I can be your Alfred with my Michael Caine impression. What about Professor Snape? I’ve got a potion just for you…a love potion.
I mean no offense to those who are into the voices. We’re all sex-positive over here. Do whatever you want, with whomever you want (with consent, of course) in bed, or literally wherever. We don’t care how you get your rocks off. All we ask is this: as soon as things start to get weird and you begin to question when exactly things took a turn for the awkward, let us know. Because we want nothing more than to laugh at and/or empathize with your sexy-gone-sour situation.
The following FMLs are a few examples of folks who found themselves in exactly this kind of pickle. Tell me, which of these naughty impressions would be the biggest deal-breaker for you?
Today, after an amazing sex session, my boyfriend rolls over and stares lovingly into my eyes, puts his hand on my cheek caressing it tenderly... and says "Who's a good piggy?" in his best Homer Simpson's voice. FML
Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Just as I was about to orgasm, he pulled away and said that my vagina is like a mask and that he feels like Bane from Batman. He's been talking in a Bane voice to my vagina for 30 minutes now. I guess sex is over. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to suddenly stop in the middle of sex, just as I was actually starting to enjoy myself, just to bear hug me and exclaim, "Crikey, she's angry!" in the voice of Steve Irwin. He laughed so hard at his own joke that he went soft and couldn't continue. FML
So, which do you think is the worst? My vote goes to Gollum. Even writing "gollum" just now made me cringe. Come on man, knock that out.
Thanks for tuning in, you sexy thangs.